What do I do or say to him?

[paperflower]

Guys I was here a few days ago asking for men to tell me how they deal with a sick parent. Two days ago his father passed away. I have dealt with the death of my mother seven years ago but have not been in a relationship where the man I loved lost a family member. I don't know what to say or do for him. We live in two different states and traveling is not a problem for me at all. I just don't want to force myself on him or his family. Please understand as I write this I don't know which way to turn outside of prayer. I am just a little shocked. My first normal words are saying to God please protect and comfort the family. However it was never a man I was in love with. This is so different for me. I remember how I wanted to shut myself off from others when my mother passed and I took a whole month off from work. I even asked him the crazy question of did he need some time alone....I didn't know what to say once he told me. At 44 years old this is not something I am good at. I was numb for a while after my mother's death so imagine that I don't know much about helping others throught this.

Does anyone have suggestions?

[ladypeartree]

praying for both of you

A lot depends on just how close you actually are both in emotion and distance.

Also on how much he has in the way of family support.

If you feel you want ( and can ) go to visit to be on hand for anything the please make sure you have accomodation and dont expect the family to find you a bed. The last thing he needs is to have to think about visitors no matter how close they may be.

LISTEN to him when he wants to talk about his dad ..encourage hiim to remember funny things and special moments with his father.

Again ... a LOT depends on what family he has ..if there are lots of them they probably have all the major things sorted ( or will have ) but if he is an only child he may appreciate you offering to do any practical things he may not be good at ( here we normally have a gathering after the funeral and it can be helpful to have someone to make tea / sandwhiches etc or do the shopping .)

Just let him talk through what ever is worrying him or his memories,

[paperflower]

Hi, and thanks for praying for us.....we have been together for three years.....I am closer to him than any man I have ever dated. He is the one who gives me the support I desire in a mate....now it's on me to show that I can be there for him. He is not an only child and there was a family member on 24 hour watch at all times once his father's vital signs started going down. As for the distance it would be a two hour flight and I would not burden anyone.....not even him. I just wanted him to know I am there for him. He went through my grandmother's death with me when it happened and it is because of him that I was able to see the good in her life. I called him every spare moment between visiting her and once she was buried it was him who allowed me to see that life continues.

Thank you for saying that the last thing he needs is to think about visitors....that shed some light and made me feel better. I know that if he wants me there he will ask me to do so.

praying for both of you

A lot depends on just how close you actually are both in emotion and distance.

Also on how much he has in the way of family support.

If you feel you want ( and can ) go to visit to be on hand for anything the please make sure you have accomodation and dont expect the family to find you a bed. The last thing he needs is to have to think about visitors no matter how close they may be.

LISTEN to him when he wants to talk about his dad ..encourage hiim to remember funny things and special moments with his father.

Again ... a LOT depends on what family he has ..if there are lots of them they probably have all the major things sorted ( or will have ) but if he is an only child he may appreciate you offering to do any practical things he may not be good at ( here we normally have a gathering after the funeral and it can be helpful to have someone to make tea / sandwhiches etc or do the shopping .)

Just let him talk through what ever is worrying him or his memories,

Edited July 12, 2010 by paperflower

[Fez]

Talk to him, ask him what he needs from you.

Whatever you do don't try and ignore or skirt around the subject. Be open and honest.

We lost my nephew when he was 14, and we still, 15years later, speak about him in the most natural manner. "Mathew would have loved this", or when there is a good surf and the guys are out, "Mathew would have been ripping these waves today".

I have always been direct when it comes to a friend or a family member losing someone. Ask what you can do, and then assess what you actually can do (sometimes people will say, "I am fine", but really they are not). if you know them well enough you will discern this.

Blessings

[paperflower]

Well here is the update....his father passed away. I have been asked the ulgiest question that one could ask....are you sure his father died?????? This did not come from a friend shall we say but from a lady who I had not spoken with much for a month. She is much older and I thought to be wiser..... I was calling to check on her health for she was being tested for a results of her heart transplant.

I have received some crazy comments......even had one guy who dropped by my job to shop and he asked how things were going. I informed him of the death and next thing I knew he was touching my hair and telling me how nice I looked.......the old me would be typing words unworhty of being printed. I want to throw up right now. I asked him to please stop and he did it again......Let the words out my mouth edify God.

I came asking for explanations of men's emotions verses a female's when it comes to death.....He took two days to even tell me....and boy have I been bashed for even sharing that with someone.......I have been told that it doesn't matter if you are male or female you go through the same emotions.....listen that may be true for someone that you know...but I have a father that has yet to talk about my mother's very own death. I guess I should have thought about that before I even posted that....but I wanted to see how others thought about my topic. I didn't get much but God was with me the whole time. Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too.

[Leonard]

Send a card, and before the card arrives, phone or see him in person, and simply say: "I just wanted to offer my condolences on the passing of your father."

[MorningGlory]

Well here is the update....his father passed away. I have been asked the ulgiest question that one could ask....are you sure his father died?????? This did not come from a friend shall we say but from a lady who I had not spoken with much for a month. She is much older and I thought to be wiser..... I was calling to check on her health for she was being tested for a results of her heart transplant.

I have received some crazy comments......even had one guy who dropped by my job to shop and he asked how things were going. I informed him of the death and next thing I knew he was touching my hair and telling me how nice I looked.......the old me would be typing words unworhty of being printed. I want to throw up right now. I asked him to please stop and he did it again......Let the words out my mouth edify God.

I came asking for explanations of men's emotions verses a female's when it comes to death.....He took two days to even tell me....and boy have I been bashed for even sharing that with someone.......I have been told that it doesn't matter if you are male or female you go through the same emotions.....listen that may be true for someone that you know...but I have a father that has yet to talk about my mother's very own death. I guess I should have thought about that before I even posted that....but I wanted to see how others thought about my topic. I didn't get much but God was with me the whole time. Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too.

I'm afraid I've lost the thread of this topic, apparently. You seem upset about responses to your topic and, yet, I don't see any that are anything but helpful. Unless of course someone bashed you by P.M. If that's the case, don't worry about it. You're right that men and woman often handle crises differently. Just follow your boyfriend's lead; let him talk and offer to come to him. If he turns the offer down, then accept it and move on. I don't understand what you mean by "Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too." You're praying for those who didn't offer you advice? ? ?

[ladypeartree]

Try not to be hurt by the remarks of someone who maybe in a great deal of pain and even confused by drugs that are needed after a transplant.

It really doesnt matter if you are male or female it is just that EVERYONE will react in a different way and what works for one person wont for another. Adding your dad to my prayers

[paperflower]

@MorningGlory....I am one who will view a topic and leave a comment....plain and simple. If you view my "past" on here you will find that I don't leave very many topics so those I post I take seriously. If I come on and view something left by someone I have intentions to leave a message. I don't come on for the fun of it. So to see views without comments is upsetting to me. You don't have to share my thoughts on the number of views verses the comments.....It is how I feel. Just like the guy who choose to ignore what I said about my boyfriend's father....he choose to ignore how I may be feeling and touched me when it should not have been done.

It takes many personalities to make up this world...those who listen to what you say and those who don't care if you just said something serious or not...they aren't listening....My supervisor just told me I was in the wrong profession I am one who cares about the needs of others.....so I am the one people will talk to if they really want someone to listen to their story......it would be nice if someone once in awhile did the same for me......so I come here for the comfort of other Christians......plain and simple.

Well here is the update....his father passed away. I have been asked the ulgiest question that one could ask....are you sure his father died?????? This did not come from a friend shall we say but from a lady who I had not spoken with much for a month. She is much older and I thought to be wiser..... I was calling to check on her health for she was being tested for a results of her heart transplant.

I have received some crazy comments......even had one guy who dropped by my job to shop and he asked how things were going. I informed him of the death and next thing I knew he was touching my hair and telling me how nice I looked.......the old me would be typing words unworhty of being printed. I want to throw up right now. I asked him to please stop and he did it again......Let the words out my mouth edify God.

I came asking for explanations of men's emotions verses a female's when it comes to death.....He took two days to even tell me....and boy have I been bashed for even sharing that with someone.......I have been told that it doesn't matter if you are male or female you go through the same emotions.....listen that may be true for someone that you know...but I have a father that has yet to talk about my mother's very own death. I guess I should have thought about that before I even posted that....but I wanted to see how others thought about my topic. I didn't get much but God was with me the whole time. Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too.

I'm afraid I've lost the thread of this topic, apparently. You seem upset about responses to your topic and, yet, I don't see any that are anything but helpful. Unless of course someone bashed you by P.M. If that's the case, don't worry about it. You're right that men and woman often handle crises differently. Just follow your boyfriend's lead; let him talk and offer to come to him. If he turns the offer down, then accept it and move on. I don't understand what you mean by "Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too." You're praying for those who didn't offer you advice? ? ?

[paperflower]

You didn't loose any part of the thread......I was bashed over the phone. I choose to tell someone I knew and that was the reaction I got......interesting that someone who had heard he father had been sick since April had said that to me. But "oh well".

Well here is the update....his father passed away. I have been asked the ulgiest question that one could ask....are you sure his father died?????? This did not come from a friend shall we say but from a lady who I had not spoken with much for a month. She is much older and I thought to be wiser..... I was calling to check on her health for she was being tested for a results of her heart transplant.

I have received some crazy comments......even had one guy who dropped by my job to shop and he asked how things were going. I informed him of the death and next thing I knew he was touching my hair and telling me how nice I looked.......the old me would be typing words unworhty of being printed. I want to throw up right now. I asked him to please stop and he did it again......Let the words out my mouth edify God.

I came asking for explanations of men's emotions verses a female's when it comes to death.....He took two days to even tell me....and boy have I been bashed for even sharing that with someone.......I have been told that it doesn't matter if you are male or female you go through the same emotions.....listen that may be true for someone that you know...but I have a father that has yet to talk about my mother's very own death. I guess I should have thought about that before I even posted that....but I wanted to see how others thought about my topic. I didn't get much but God was with me the whole time. Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too.

I'm afraid I've lost the thread of this topic, apparently. You seem upset about responses to your topic and, yet, I don't see any that are anything but helpful. Unless of course someone bashed you by P.M. If that's the case, don't worry about it. You're right that men and woman often handle crises differently. Just follow your boyfriend's lead; let him talk and offer to come to him. If he turns the offer down, then accept it and move on. I don't understand what you mean by "Thanks for those who left a word but for those who didn't I am still praying and talking to God about that too." You're praying for those who didn't offer you advice? ? ?