Marital Abuse

[missmuffet]

If either party are abusive you are always open for a legal separation.If the abusing party wants to get counseling to improve the abuse that would be the Christian thing to do.God does not want anyone to be used as a human doormat.God wants us to live in peace.

[GoldenEagle]

If either party are abusive you are always open for a legal separation.If the abusing party wants to get counseling to improve the abuse that would be the Christian thing to do.God does not want anyone to be used as a human doormat.God wants us to live in peace.

Here is the problem. What constitutes abuse? In addition to that, what scripture do you have to show that God is ok with separation in those circumstances?

Butero how do you define abuse? I think this is important for the discussion. For example, you had a very different definition of legalism on another thread. We need to understand if we're talking about the same thing?

God bless,

GE

[GoldenEagle]

This thread has been split to another topic here:

If you're missing your posts please see the split thread.

[Sevenseas]

If either party are abusive you are always open for a legal separation.If the abusing party wants to get counseling to improve the abuse that would be the Christian thing to do.God does not want anyone to be used as a human doormat.God wants us to live in peace.

Well that's the thing...most abusers also lie, so counselling...if they even agree to go...does not always help. But I sure agree that God wants us to live in peace!

It is also an issue of unrepentant sin as Ninhao points out in his post # 21:

Overall I see no grounds where a woman would be restricted from removing herself from an abusive husband. If the husband does not repent of his actions, and make reparations, it appears he is the one caught in sin.

Again, this thread is about professing Christians; therefore, the offending spouse is indeed living in ongoing sin...I believe the Bible is very clear on that

[Sevenseas]

From the outset of the thread, abuse was defined by and accepted and acknowledged by an understood definition that did not need to be expressed with a dictionary reference.

The commonality of it assures that most people reading and participating in this thread will know exactly what is being discussed. Abused women have made very plain what abuse

is...not that they needed to...but the reference to abuse did not bring about any questions...abuse is defined as either emotional, spiritual or physical and can be

all three.

Denial of an abusive situation is usually the perception of the instigator. We are each responsible for our own behavior...in order to acknowledge what the Bible has to say about

a marriage, each partner must first surrender their life to the Lord and understand that marriage is not one spouse dominating another...that is hardly Christian behavior.

Another interesting fact, is that abusers often do not show their true intentions until after the marriage whereupon they assume or try to assume dominance over the other through

violence, threats of violence, punishment...as in 'if you don't do this, I won't do that or if you do this, I will not let you......fill in the blank. This type of bullying will engender confusion,

fear and if it goes on long enough, despair with the abused party needing help to be able to separate from the ongoing erosion of their personality and will.

These tactics are devilish and have nothing to do with God or the Holy Spirit. Hurting another on an ongoing basis, the one you are in fact supposed to love, shows a lack of character

and self control...self control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit...abuse is evidence of no relationship with God or a failure to submit to Christ as Lord.

Abusers have often been abused them self and very much need help...the first step towards receiving help is acknowledging the deception they are living in...often presenting

a godly persona to the world and making the home life of their spouse a living hell.

The behaviors of those who abuse are well documented as are the effects on the person who is caught in the storm of the abuser's acts. Those who abuse are often acting out of

fear of loosing control and they believe that controlling another or those around them, is through force in order to bring about what they perceive, wrongly, as the desired result(s)

Spiritual abuse has been identified on a broader scale of church affiliation, but it can and does also occur within the home:

In speaking of the Pharisees, Jesus said, "For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers" (Matt. 23:4). The Amplified Bible paints an even clearer picture. It says, "They tie up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men's shoulders, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them." Jesus is referring to the people's being weighted down by rules and regulations that needed to be performed in order to gain the acceptance of the Pharisees. In the same way, many believers today have found themselves crushed beneath the religious baggage of an abusive system. Each day thousands of church members find themselves struggling to earn the favor and approval of a modern-day Pharisee.

Jesus cared deeply about His people and how they were treated. When He saw the multitudes, "He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd" (Matt. 9:36). The Amplified Version expands on the word weary by saying, "They were bewildered (harassed and distressed and dejected and helpless), like sheep without a shepherd." from this article

Here is another example of a very common practice of abuse:

2. Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. (This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.) Ten signs you may be in a bad relationship with another 'Christian"

Women in these toxic relationships may have a real struggle to break free because they will confuse truth...such as wives respect your husbands, or wives be obedient as unto the Lord...as meaning 'no matter what your husband does or says, he is your husband and you must submit...that is not what those verses mean. The catch, is that the husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church and GAVE Himself for it.

In other words, your husband should exhibit sacrificial love for you...not demand things, slap you around, bully you or tell you that you must obey him because that is what the Bible says.

If your husband is abusive (and I know you know what that means if you are living in that situation) then understand that he is not treating you as Christ would have him treat you. He

is NOT loving you as Christ would have him love you. What he is actually doing, is abusing the Word and using it to control you. That, is not love.

[GoldenEagle]

I think two forms of clear abuse is limiting contact with other people and limiting information.

]

Abuse #1-Limiting contact with people.

Biblical refutation of this point: While the Bible does call Christians to live pure lives and avoid contamination from sinful influences, the New Testament also encourages openness to outsiders (John 4:7-10, 39, 40; Acts 10; Acts 17). When the Apostle Peter closed himself off from Gentile believers (“outsiders” in Jewish terms) he was rebuked openly by Paul for his hypocrisy (cf. Gal 2:11-14). Peter accepted the rebuke and later acknowledged Paul’s wisdom as a man who even wrote scripture (2 Peter 3:15-16). Jesus was so connected with the local community and engaged with “sinners” that he scandalized the Pharisees (Matthew 9:11; Luke 5:30). He understood that God loves the world (John 3:16) and that he wants mercy rather than self-righteous sacrifice (Matthew 9:13).

In regard to family members, Matthew 10:37 shows that the “hate” in Luke 14:26 does not mean to truly hate family members—instead, it is a matter of preference and degree. We should love our parents and relatives, but we must love God to a greater degree. Indeed, the Pharisees tried to use biblical justification to dishonor their parents, but Jesus called the Pharisees hypocrites (cf. Matthew 15:15ff).

Abuse #2 - Limiting Information

Biblical refutation for this point: While the Bible does call Christians to avoid corrupting influences and to respect the judgment of true, trustworthy leaders, I Thessalonians 5:21 says that believers should “examine everything carefully.” Acts 17:11 commends the Bereans who listened to Paul and then searched the scriptures diligently to see if what he said was true. And in Galatians, Paul chastises the Galatian believers for putting up with unsound doctrine and allowing false teachers to take them captive with a gospel which was really no gospel at all. In his concern for their lack of critical thinking, Paul exclaims, “You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you?” (Gal 3:1).

See full article.

[Sevenseas]

It is common for an abuser to ignore his wife's pleas for a place in the marriage. An abuser blames the women is his life for his problems. For example, many will complain that their wife does not want to have

sex with them. Well, who would. These men then go so far as to state that it is the woman's fault because God must have made her physically incapable or some such. It should be noted, that while such

a problem may exist, it is the exception rather than the norm.

Men who call themselves Christians and yet abuse their wives, will state it is their right to have sex and will even force themselves upon their wife...that is hardly a picture of Christ sacrificing Himself. A man

who is willing to actually see another side beside his own, will put his wife's well being above his own. The actual problem is that the abuser does not see his wife as equal in the eyes of God....yet, God does

in fact place as much value on women as He does with men.

Having a great marriage means that both people are submitting to each other as Scripture teaches in Ephesians 5: 22-33. Chapman believes that Christian couples have abandoned these principles, with many women especially not favoring the “wives submit to your husbands” verse.

“The problem is that we’ve gone outside the Bible and used non-biblical models, for headship,” Chapman says. “For example, we use military models. The husband is the general. Or we use business models. We say the husband is the CEO. But the biblical model is Jesus.”

The picture of submitting that Paul paints in Ephesians is the same as Jesus giving His life away for the Church. And this submission doesn’t only apply to women, Chapman says.

“I like to say that submission is not a female word. We’ve latched it to the females because of that verse, but the fact is, in the context, submission is for all of us,” he says. “You can’t have harmony in a church if you don’t have people submitting to each other, and you can’t have harmony in a marriage if you don’t have people submitting to each other.”

You see the truth of the matter, according to the Bible, is that we each must also submit to one another. So, if a husband is telling his wife to do something he would never do, then he absolutely has no

​concept of grace, forgiveness or love. He may have an idea of lust, ownership and control, but the love of God has utterly escaped him. A husband can easily defer to his wife by listening to her and

respecting her viewpoint and the fact that God has given him someone to share his life with. The abuser operates out of fear among other things, and has an almost impossible task in believing that

God does not see his wife as less then he is. Oh, he may state otherwise...but as they say, the proof of what you believe is not in what you say...but in how you act.

Be sure that the abuser will state that submission is the very last thing God would expect and that it is the wife who must obey...insert 'family dog'...while the husband is free to comtemplate

such other misconstrued biblical concepts as a plurality of wives.

Against love, there is no defence, but the defence of the abuser in his own eyes never ends because he is always put on the defence and uses aggression and bullying to try and negate

the truth put before his eyes. It really must be terribly difficult to control the thoughts and minds of a good number of people who utterly disagree with you...that is, from the perspective

of an abuser...quite frustrating and angering...yet, the abuser will continue in defence of their own actions by constantly blaming others and twisting words.

I would encourage a woman who finds herself to trying to cope with a husband who fits the description of an abuser, to seek help. You are never going to be able to please or appease

your abuser. His demands are endless, godless and do not have your well being in mind.

There are some excellent articles being referenced in this thread...articles based on scripture and written by Christians. I would recommend reading them as a starting point in realizing that

it is not God's will for your husband to abuse you...emotionally, spiritually or physically. Such men are cowards and cannot face the truth about themself.

You know, if you expose the darkness of the lie in the light of God's word, you will have taken that first step towards freedom in Christ. God understands what you are going through. He has heard

the lies, seen the beatings, knows His word is being twisted....but just as you decided to marry your abuser, only you can end the abuse. End the abuse today and reach out...God is on your side...

He has not forgotten you.

[Sevenseas]

As an aside, I would like to make it abundantly and very clear that I started this thread with no thought in mind other than that some woman may recognize that help for her painful situation is available.

It was my wish to try and provide a safe place to dialogue and exchange but, and understand I am regretful that this has happened, I would imagine that a woman might have a problem with

writing as this thread has become far less than I had hoped, whether through design or ignorance, God knows, but I do know that God is able to save to the uttermost parts of the earth and

that he loves and is concerned with each of us. Every single one.

However, it is wrong to assume that a woman must stay in a hellish marriage. I do not share that viewpoint and neither do the majority of contributors to this thread.

If I have ever been serious, you can be assured that I am at my most serious right at this moment and prayerfully submit this post and post 32

Make God bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.....I love that blessing and I pray it for all who read.

[Guest ninhao]

As has been the case with most of the posts in this thread, there is not one bit of scripture to back anything up. It is nothing but opinion, and much of it is false.

Presented in post # 21 is a plausible argument which could allow a woman to remove herself from her husband in the case of abuse.

Do you believe under the conditions of Matthew 18: 15-17 and 1 Corinthians 5: 11-13 the charge of unrepentant sin can be held against an abusive husband ?

Let us assume the Church has deemed the husbands behaviour is abuse and not us.

[sourberry]

I think we can approach marital abuse from another angle. The relationship between Jesus and the Church is likened to the relationship between husband and wife.

I would rather omit "likened". I think the relationship between Christ and his people is a genuine marital relationship.