As A Christian How Should I Handle This?

[LadyKay]

I have an on going problem. It is my stepson. He is 26 years old and ever since he has been old enough to work; for whatever reason he as not be able to keep a job longer then a few months. He lies about having jobs. He will get a job then something happens like he gets hurt, or let go or something that is never his fault. He was living with us for a time but then deiced to leave. Anyway, he keeps calling us asking for money. And every time he calls it is like he is in dire need of the money. For example he called one night saying he needed $150.00 to pay a speeding ticket fine and if he did not get it with in 24hrs, he was going to have to go to jail for unpaid fines. These phone calls for money cause me to become very very angry and causes arguments to break out between me and my husband. My husbnd feels bad because we can't help him. I feel like he needs to get a job and keep it. I hate to sound like my parents but back when I was 26 years old I was working 2 jobs to support myself. There is nothing wrong with my stepson that would prevent him from working. Somehow he is able to get people to buy him things and support him. I do not know how he does this. But then it seems the people he is using get wise to him and kick him out. Then he calls us wanting money. I don't want to help him. I see him as nothing but another problem that I have to deal with. Sometimes I think if I had married someone else, this unemployed, 26 year old would be someone else's problem and not mine. I know this is not a very good Christian attitude but it is how I feel. My husband and I are not not wealthy and we have a 7 year old girl to take care of. I get so anger every time he calls up here wanting money. Yet I am trying hard to be a good Christian. 

Edited July 22, 2013 by LadyKay

[BFP]

I am not making any accusations here, but he sounds like he *may* have a drug or alcohol problem. It that is the case you are enabling him. I suggest that when he says he needs money Like for the traffic ticket, ask to see the ticket. If he asks for money for food, buy him groceries. It just sounds to familiar to me. I sincerely hope that is not the case.

[Guest]

Praying~!

[nebula]

I don't know all the circumstances, but your husband needs to take the responsibility for disciplining his son.

 

At this point, all he can do, really, is tell him something like, "Son, I will always love you, but I cannot allow you to continue this behavior. Therefore, here's the rules. ..."

 

And there explain how you cannot afford to bail him out. If he wants your help, then he needs to do something in return - do some work that benefits you two (as in, he has to work for your money). Something like that. But the big thing is your step son needs to be honest with himself and with you as to what is going on with him.

 

I know how it feels to have no direction in life, and how hard it is to live on your own when depressed, clueless, identity-less, etc. If such is the case, then he really needs to be under the counsel of a professional counselor, and that may be a suggested option for him. Counseling centers do provide for low income people to get the therapy they need. Unfortunately, he has to want the help for this to work.

 

Anyway, that's the best 2 cents I have to give.

 

Other than seeking the Lord on his behalf.

 

Blessings and grace!

[coheir]

I have an on going problem. It is my stepson. He is 26 years old and ever since he has been old enough to work; for whatever reason he as not be able to keep a job longer then a few months. He lies about having jobs. He will get a job then something happens like he gets hurt, or let go or something that is never his fault. He was living with us for a time but then deiced to leave. Anyway, he keeps calling us asking for money. And every time he calls it is like he is in dire need of the money. For example he called one night saying he needed $150.00 to pay a speeding ticket fine and if he did not get it with in 24hrs, he was going to have to go to jail for unpaid fines. These phone calls for money cause me to become very very angry and causes arguments to break out between me and my husband. My husbnd feels bad because we can't help him. I feel like he needs to get a job and keep it. I hate to sound like my parents but back when I was 26 years old I was working 2 jobs to support myself. There is nothing wrong with my stepson that would prevent him from working. Somehow he is able to get people to buy him things and support him. I do not know how he does this. But then it seems the people he is using get wise to him and kick him out. Then he calls us wanting money. I don't want to help him. I see him as nothing but another problem that I have to deal with. Sometimes I think if I had married someone else, this unemployed, 26 year old would be someone else's problem and not mine. I know this is not a very good Christian attitude but it is how I feel. My husband and I are not not wealthy and we have a 7 year old girl to take care of. I get so anger every time he calls up here wanting money. Yet I am trying hard to be a good Christian. 

11 Thess 3;10 come to mind.

My youngest brother ( an adult ) is worse than that he will not work for long has stayed with all six brothers and 4 sisters and two uncles  and grandparents two neighbors; everyone throws him out once they catch him stealing. Its a hard thing but some time you got to say no; you have obligations other than a 26 year old grown man. blood kin I might help 5 or 10 times before I catch on but not 10 or 20 times.

If you can not say no then make him sign an iou and pay direct do not give him money, but get iou each time even if you never plan use them against him let him know you can enforce the iou. it may discourage his borrowing. If it really is borrowing in cases like this it often become money written off not really borrowed.

sorry for my strict code of conduct. i always been told; you can not help someone who will not help their own self.

[Guest man]

You and your husband need to learn to say no. He'll never stop calling unless you give him a reason not too. 

 

As long as you keep feeding the bears, they'll keep coming back.

 

I know this is your husband's child but he needs to stand strong. He needs to come to the understanding that he's not helping his son by giving him handouts. The older that boy gets, the harder it will be for him to accept responsibility for his actions. He'll never grow up.

 

You're not helping him by helping him.

[Mcgyver]

I have an on going problem. It is my stepson. He is 26 years old and ever since he has been old enough to work; for whatever reason he as not be able to keep a job longer then a few months. He lies about having jobs. He will get a job then something happens like he gets hurt, or let go or something that is never his fault. He was living with us for a time but then deiced to leave. Anyway, he keeps calling us asking for money. And every time he calls it is like he is in dire need of the money. For example he called one night saying he needed $150.00 to pay a speeding ticket fine and if he did not get it with in 24hrs, he was going to have to go to jail for unpaid fines. These phone calls for money cause me to become very very angry and causes arguments to break out between me and my husband. My husbnd feels bad because we can't help him. I feel like he needs to get a job and keep it. I hate to sound like my parents but back when I was 26 years old I was working 2 jobs to support myself. There is nothing wrong with my stepson that would prevent him from working. Somehow he is able to get people to buy him things and support him. I do not know how he does this. But then it seems the people he is using get wise to him and kick him out. Then he calls us wanting money. I don't want to help him. I see him as nothing but another problem that I have to deal with. Sometimes I think if I had married someone else, this unemployed, 26 year old would be someone else's problem and not mine. I know this is not a very good Christian attitude but it is how I feel. My husband and I are not not wealthy and we have a 7 year old girl to take care of. I get so anger every time he calls up here wanting money. Yet I am trying hard to be a good Christian. 

 

Good morning...

 

I see several biblical precepts that would apply here...but before anything can be resolved, you and your husband need to be on the "same sheet of music".

 

For that reason I would ask: Have you and your husband (together) sought pastoral counseling in the matter?

[justpeterlim]

Dear Lady Kay,

 

Being a christian is not just do works of virtue, it is also do what is pleasing in God's eyes. You should stand up to your stepson, challenge him, and cut off the money supply. You have to confront your stepson and leveled up with his situation. Your husband might have to involved as well, depends on the situation.

[Leonard]

Seen it a thousand times! the boy needs to be told 'no.' That simple. A few nights at a skid row flop house, or sleeping on the streets, and he'll probably be convinced to turn it around. Maybe not.

either way, YOU are NOT responsible to enable a lazy adult.

[Guest LadyC]

before my kids were born (and then throughout their entire lives, even as kids) i would say if they ever got thrown in jail for any reason, even if it was just being in the company of the wrong people, they would have to sit there behind bars. i would not bail them out. as a result, they knew not to do stupid things. or at least not to call me if they got caught doing stupid things! today, at the ages of 25 and 26, they'll both come right out and say that my words had always guided them. well, they may not word it that way, but they've brought it up a number of times in their adult lives. 

 

maybe you should talk to your husband when there is no money-hungry crisis going on, and discuss the options of letting him suffer the consequences. maybe it will be jail for unpaid parking tickets. maybe it will be eviction (and if it is eviction, will you allow him to move in with yall and under what circumstances). whatever you discuss with the hubby, you need to make sure to not approach it in a critical manner. be encouraging and supportive and try to make him realize that the only REAL way to help his son is to let him learn the hard way. kids need boundaries... and if those boundaries aren't clearly set during childhood, kids grow up to be irresponsible 26 year old brats with no concept of boundaries, because they know someone will always bail them out. and for your step-son, he knows that daddy is the sucker. my guess is that your husband wasn't the custodial parent, and that he will forever be trying to make up for it. he needs to learn that there are better ways to accomplish that.

 

BUT... in the end, it's his son, not yours. and if after you've had one last talk (perhaps in the company of your pastor or a counselor), your husband still wants to be the pushover that bails his kid out every time, you need to learn to say nothing to him. take your complaints to God in private, but stay out of the middle of the father/son relationship. and believe it or not, if you will stay out of their relationship and just go scream at God in a closet about it every time, your marriage will improve and you will find yourself way less resentful of both your husband and his kid.

 

and in doing that, you'll be staying out of God's way so He can intervene, letting the Holy Spirit gently teach your husband how to parent an adult child. whenever it seems that God isn't "teaching" fast enough, just remember... He doesn't need your help! and the more you try to help God along, the longer it will take for your husband to learn.