Fed up with wife!

[stilllearnin']

Hi Carlos.

Your post sure came at a timely time for me, let's see, where to start...

I was married for nearly 21 years, my husband was killed in an accident and I was left with 2 children, I was single for nearly 6 years, then was married last January 31st.

It was not at all what I expected and I fought every step of the way, my husband and I had so many arguments! He was so adamant that he was right, that I argued with him even if I knew he was right!!

I had known for a long time that the wife was to submit to her husband, but I never really thought about it, I just didn't want to do things his way so I fought until I realized I'd have no peace until I gave in. This was definitely not submission!!

I complained to everyone who would listen about how mean he was and how tough I had it, and they listened sympathetically, and even a Christian told me I should divorce him!!

I heard about this book called, "LIES WOMEN BELIEVE" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, two people who don't know each other at all mentioned it to me on the same day. Just before I read all of the posts in this thread I finished a chapter on Lies women believe about marriage. One was that our husband was there to serve us and we deserved to be served.

Another was that submitting to our husbands would remove our freedom or some such thing, anyway we are called to submit and to reverence our husband, and husbands are called to love their wives and live with them in an understanding way, but neither of us can make the other do what God wants them to do, that decision comes from each individual as God reveals His will to them.

How I wish I could reccommend that book to your wife!! I am sure you reccommending a book to improve her would not sit to well with her.

All that to say this, I believe God showed me this today to make me realize that I was being very disobedient to Him by not submitting to my husband with the right attitude; that by submitting just to keep him from getting angry with me, was not true submission, that telling everyone how awful he is is not reverencing him as I am told in Scripture to do.

I know this won't be easy, I go from 'okay LORD, I won't react negatively no matter what he says or does' to 'how dare he talk down to me like that' in less than half a second.

I know Satan loves this; he enjoys seeing me riled up and talking bad about my husband, it makes the instute of marriage look bad, the very thing that is an earthly example of Christ and the church.

I don't really know if this pertains to you, or why I keep going on, but I hope it does encourage you in some way, Colleen

[carlos123]

Hi Colleen,

What you said may not apply to me directly but what you said is an example of true Christianity more than many I have seen. It is the expression of someone who has surrendered to Christ and wants to do what He wants no matter the cost. Your words are the words of someone who says "Not my will but Thine be done!".

You love God more than your comfort. You desire Him more than the temporal happiness that may come from leaving your husband and easing your pain. You desire Him in the innermost recesses of your heart.

THAT Colleen is Christianity at it's finest! And I would travel far and wide if I could to be with people such as yourself. In fellowship with one another. Would that the Church was full of Christians such as you who have seen the way of the cross and who said I will follow still!!

No matter how difficult the road. No matter how much pain we must suffer. Divorce is not an option short of our spouses being adulterous with others and even then there is room for remaining still. For loving still. Only the grace of God at work in our hearts can bring out a love that we in our natural selves are incapable of giving to the glory of God.

You are the kind of Christian Colleen whom the Lord will say to on that day ... "Well done good and faithful servant! Well done!"

Carlos

[Catsmeow]

Hi Carlos,

[ Keep in mind that women are designed to respond and men to lead.

[Guest angelhair]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I have been having the same problem w/my husband except I am growing closer to the Lord and he is growing away(not that he has alot of faith to begin with) He is miserable, yelling at my son and I and swearing and using a very hateful tone of voice when he talks to us. I feel the same way Carlos. He gets very mad when I don't argue w/him. He wants to try picking fights all the time and I refuse to fight. I say"I rebuke the evil thats in you making you act this way" and he gets madder. I don't know what to do. My flesh wants to run but my spirit(and faith says no) I have been praying for him for the last month and that's all I can do.

The only thing I can say is KEEP ON PRAYIN' and TRY not to let her steal your joy-it's hard sometimes for me to not lose my cool but I just pray to myself in the midst of the fire(his arguments) and I say to him "life is too short if you want to be miserable go ahead but as for me I'm gonna be happy and glad

Hope I could help, God Bless You and Hang in there

Angie

[Work in Progress]

Hi Carlos. I'm sorry you are having this trouble, I really am. I know it hurts and you wouldn't choose to be going through this. Sigh - why do we have to go through the valleys? Wouldn't it be great if we just had PEAKS??? But, thankfully, God is with us in the valleys - perhaps moreso than the peaks.

I went through a terrible time in my marriage. I was considering divorce, and I literally could not stand to be around him anymore. I felt like, if I had to spend another second with him, I would jump out of my skin from anger, or frustration, or just pure disgust. I know how you feel.

A friend shared a life-changing thing with me, and I want to share it with you. It may sound too simple, but I urge you to try it.

Don't pray for God to work in her life, pray for God to work in your life. Give up all sense of trying to control her and her actions, and that includes sarcastic replies to her, angry reactions, manipulation etc, and leave her in God's hands. Focus only on you - lay yourself at God's feet and ask Him to change you. Even though you feel like the victim, even though you are being treated poorly, still ask Him to change you. It is very hard to do, especially when you are being treated badly, but you can do it. Completely surrender her and her actions to Him and refuse to take back the hurt and accusations. (And you WILL take them back - regularly. Just be conscious of it and keep laying it back at His feet.) Just ask Him to work in your heart. He will work wonders.

Also - don't mean to lecture - but get to church. You can't find the peferct church, with the perfect Pastor and the perfect people. But you need to be fed. I'm not big on structured church either, but, thankfully, my husband is insistant that we go regularly. And every single time, without fail, I'm glad I went, because I could hear God talking to me. You don't know what you are missing until you get there. If you dont' want to get involved with people for whatever reason, then don't. There's no rule you have to. But go and hear the message. You will be blessed.

I sincerely hope things are looking up for you soon.

[Work in Progress]

BTW, Carlos, I want to add that you are a very special person. You obviously care, and want to do what is right. That is a rarity nowdays and you are to be commended. How many people just walk away when things don't go 'right'? Most. Your posts have touched me. How much more must God be touched by your desire to do what is right, and by your commitment to your wife and marriage. God bless.

[carlos123]

Keep in mind that women are designed to respond and men to lead.  When you take the initiative in a godly way she will follow in a godly manner.

I didn't realize it before but now that I have read this statement again LT I must point out that there is something decidedly unscriptural in it. Let me explain...

That women are designed to respond and men to lead is indeed true and I believe Scripturally sound.

BUT "When you take the initiative in a godly way she will follow in a godly manner." is NOT! Why do I say this?

What happens if a man does not take the initiative in a godly way? Does that mean that the wife now is justified in not following in a godly manner?

Is a wife's godliness directly tied and proportional to the godliness to be found in her husband?

The implications of that last statement are ripe with unscriptural pseudo-truths that on further reflection are not Scriptural.

How does one explain the following verse?

1 Peter 3:1

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Peter is addressing the wives here. The husbands do not believe the word. The KJ says "do not obey the word". Yet what is Peter's admonition to the wives? To follow God in the same way that Jesus did.

1 Peter 2:20

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.  To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

"He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth."  When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

We are all called to suffer in our flesh. Just as Jesus did.

Wives are exhorted by Peter to suffer "in the same way..." that Jesus did when He submitted to the will of His Father.

Jesus committed no sin and no deceit was found in his mouth. Yet when they hurled insults at him anyway, he did not retaliate. When he suffered he made no threats. Instead he looked to his Father in heaven and entrusted himself to him who judges jnustly.

THAT is what wives are to do when they suffer under an unjust and unrighteous husband. Their godliness is NOT dependent on how godly or not their husbands are but rather it is dependent on whether, like Jesus, they are entrusting themselves to him who judges justly!

The concept that wives will behave godly if their husbands do but that if their husbands don't they won't is straight from the pit of hell. It is a justification for sin in wives who do not want to yield to God and suffer in their flesh just as Jesus did.

Perhaps I am reading more into that statement than is warranted and I apologize if I am but the belief that the godliness of wives is directly proportional to that of the husband is a lie of the devil and must be spoken against in no uncertain terms.

Don't get me wrong. Husbands who behave badly will have to answer to the Lord and will suffer in this life as a result of their disobedience. For the Father of the wives is looking down and seeing the suffering of his female children.

I may in my ignorance not be very loving to my wife but woe is me if God shows me something and I do not repent. Woe is me! And woe is every Christian husband who does not yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in his heart! For God as the Father of his wife is looking on.

We are all called by God to trust Him and obey Him. There is absolutely no guarantee that the wife of a husband who acts in a godly manner will cause the wife to do likewise and vice versa. It's a nice comforting thought to believe that this is the key to changing the other but it is a lie.

Sometimes godliness in the husband will result in the wife following. Sometimes not no matter what the husband does. Any such ungodliness on the part of the wife is NOT the fault of the husband in any way shape or form. The responsibility to obey God lies squarely on her shoulders. Just as it does on the husbands.

None of us in our flesh wants to take up our cross and follow Him. All of us want easy answers and none of us wants to suffer but whether we suffer as a result of an ungodly spourse or not, wether our marriages are oceans of happiness or not, we are ALL called to suffer in the flesh as Jesus did. To be misunderstood and rejected by others unjustly as we live godly lives in this present age. We cannot escape the suffering inherent in following Christ if we truly follow Him.

That we are ALL called to suffer should be a source of GREAT comfort for us who may be stuck in less than perfect marriages. And I would encourage any wife who has an ungodly husband to take comfort in this. That EVERY Christian is called to suffer. Whether that is as a result of being in a bad marriage and getting emotinally abused by a terrible husband or as a result of being persecuted for living godly in an ungodly world all of us are in the same boat. You are NOT alone!

While there is some room Scripturally I believe to seperate from bad spouses (not divorce mind you just seperate) that will not prevent suffering if we are truly living for God. We are going to suffer as Christians no matter what we do. If we are truly following the Lord that is. There is no way around it. If we are not suffering in some way, shape, or form as Jesus did then may I suggest that we are not living as Jesus did?

If the world hated Jesus they will hate us as members of His Body. Instead of trying to get out from under godly suffering when we do what is right let us rather draw near to God and entrust ourselves to Him. He sees all. He cares. And He will sustain us.

Please forgive me for such a long post but I wanted to give comfort to those who are suffering under unjust husbands and to give hope to husbands with unjust wives. There is no comfort in giving false hope that if you change your ways your spourse will change. You are going to suffer as a Christian. Whether in your marriage or not you are still going to suffer. But you are not alone. Christians throughout the world are suffering. Rejoice that you are following in Jesus's footsteps when you try to do what is right and suffer still.

I myself needed to be reminded of these truths! My wife may never change but praise God anyway. I can learn to love and share in Christ's sufferings as I do the right thing with my wife. Assuming she continues to taunt me and seemingly spit in my face for doing so. If not I will suffer somewhere. Either way praise God!

Carlos

Edited December 3, 2004 by carlos123

[stilllearnin']

Thank you for your kind words, Carlos, I am no where close to be that godly of a person; my flesh gets in the way. It is easier to say I will do the right thing for the right reason, then to actually do it.

I wondered about something; you mentione pornagraphy in one of your posts, did you look at this while you were married?

My first husband had a heavy addiction, we didn't have the Internet, but he had lots of magazines and paraphenalia (sp?) around the house, when he died, I had to take it all and put in the trash before people starting coming to the house. I didn't want anyone else to have to see it. Anyway it is quite devasting to a wife to think that because she isn't 'enough' her husband has to turn to an airbrushed picture. Looking at pornography is like having an affair of the mind, a woman would naturally feel betrayed knowing her husband was doing such things.

I also wanted to tell you that I suffer from depression, in my case it began when I slept with a man I wasn't married to; I continued this for about three weeks, even though I knew it was wrong, I kept saying to myself; well we will be married in a few months and it will be okay, but I knew it wasn't okay and never would be.

I finally broke off the relationship because I knew I couldn't continue on like I was, the guilt was overwhelming. I also knew I had no business marrying him because I was a Christian, he was not, he claimed to be and I wanted him to be, but he simply wasn't.

I thought the guilt and awful feelings I had would cease when I broke up with him, but they got worse and worse. I felt like God couldn't forgive me because I had sinned too willingly for too long a time. I resisted going on medication because my mom had been for 30 years and I didn't want to be, well I finally did and it helped a lot.

My husband happens to be bi-polar so he understands depression, he has been to depths in his that I nor many others have ever gone; so he is very understanding about mine.

I hope this helps you understand your wife's depression a little more, I think some of us our genetically predisposed to it. It may come on by a particular incident, or it may just happen, I don't really know about that, but I know it is an awful feeling and you cannot just shake yourself out of it.

Carlos I appreciate your heart for God and wanting to do what is right in HIs eyes; that is why Satan tells you that you cannot change how you feel about her. From reading your last posts it sounds like you are on the right track.

How did the dinner go?

As part of a bridal shower gift a friend slipped a note in with her card, it talked about womens needs vs men's needs, of course I cannot find it now that I want it, but I remember that women need to feel cherished, and men need to feel desired, there is a lot more to it, but hopefully that little bit will help you, Colleen

[carlos123]

I just now checked the thread and lo and behold someone had written on it (you Colleen). What a great way to get some daily fellowship!! Just previous to checking I had been thanking God from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to be used of Him to bring some encouragement to others either by my openess and the wisdom imparted to me through what others have said or by words that I may have been led to say.

Thank you for your kind words, Carlos, I am no where close to be that godly of a person; my flesh gets in the way.  It is easier to say I will do the right thing for the right reason, then to actually do it.

That is probably true of all of us Colleen. But you are sticking it out with your husband and wanting to do the right thing. No matter how costly that is for you. Because of your relationship with God. You might indeed fall and often into reacting in the flesh but the Word says a righteous man is one who falls seven times and gets back up again. Whereas the wicked never even bother to get up and instead wallow in sin. Don't sell yourself short Colleen. In the eyes of God you are His beautiful bride!

I wondered about something; you mentione pornagraphy in one of your posts, did you look at this while you were married? 

Well I still am married . And yes I have looked at it while married. My wife knows this.

My first husband had a heavy addiction, we didn't have the Internet, but he had lots of magazines and paraphenalia (sp?) around the house,

I have been fortunate in never having fallen to that degree. I have looked at some on the Internet but have never paid to get greater access into pornographic sites nor have I ever had such things in our home. I just couldn't do that Colleen. It would tear me up inside and I could not look at my wife if I had stuff like that hidden around the house. My conscience would eat me alive.

I am sorry to hear about your experience. That must have been terribly hard for you.

...Anyway it is quite devasting to a wife to think that because she isn't 'enough' her husband has to turn to an airbrushed picture.  Looking at pornography is like having an affair of the mind, a woman would naturally feel betrayed knowing her husband was doing such things.

It is definitely a bad thing Colleen and I am most certainly not proud of falling into it at times. I know that this hurts my wife terribly so and I agree with you about it being an affair of the mind. Hopefully the relationship with my wife will be healed enough to the point that even the temptation to do it again will greatly diminish. As it stands right now we have no secual relations in part because we get into so many arguments and hurt each other so often that it's difficult to get past all that to be with each other sexually.

I also wanted to tell you that I suffer from depression, in my case it began when I slept with a man I wasn't married to; ....

I appreciate your sharing your experience Colleen. Your description makes it more evident to me that depression starts from adhering to wrong beliefs that lead to wrong choices. Which tells me that the way out is to start believing the right things leading to right actions.

I thought the guilt and awful feelings I had would cease when I broke up with him, but they got worse and worse.  I felt like God couldn't forgive me because I had sinned too willingly for too long a time.  I resisted going on medication because my mom had been for 30 years and I didn't want to be, well I finally did and it helped a lot.

It sounds as if the reason you went on medication was because you felt as if God could not forgive you and the guilt and aweful feelings continued. The problem I see is that many women seem to go on these types of medications to alleviate similar bad feelings. But those bad feelings result from not choosing to believe what God says and walking it out. When I say believe I do not mean just intellectually but walking in faith such that we act on what we say we believe. Biblical faith is the kind that bears fruit. Wordly belief does nothing and accomplishes nothing. It is just an intellectual assent to certain truths without walking as though those truths are really true.

My husband happens to be bi-polar so he understands depression, he has been to depths in  his that I nor many others have ever gone; so he is very understanding about mine.

That is good that he can understand and sympathise with you Colleen.

I hope this helps you understand your wife's depression a little more, I think some of us our genetically predisposed to it.  It may come on by a particular incident, or it may just happen, I don't really know about that, but I know it is an awful feeling and you cannot just shake yourself out of it.

I think I understand my wife's depression. The problem I have is being supportive without feeling that I am accepting her beliefs about it.

How did the dinner go?

Well...wouldn't you know it? We didn't go. Why? Because we got into some arguments (or more accurately in this case and after having received such excellent input on this thread my wfie carried on several arguments without too much in the way of my participation ).

So she didn't want to go anymore because she did not feel good about it. I was willing to still go and had no bad feelings toward her but she felt otherwise. The Lord enabled me to walk away without getting too involved in the arguments which was neat!

Carlos

[stilllearnin']

Sorry dinner didn't work out, but what a blessing that you were able to hold your tongue!