Toxic Friendship Aftermath

[chrysanthemum]

I'm seeking biblical and Godly advice on a very tough situation that I've been dealing with for years now. I'll try to make it as short as I can.

 

I was best friends with a girl for roughly 8 years, I'll call her Jane here. Jane and I were really close, she seemed very sweet, and just a really great person to be around. We did everything together, and I poured my heart out to her over all those years. We seemed to have more ups than downs, but things weren't exactly what they seemed. After Jane had an affair, she abandoned our friendship because I disapproved of her cheating on her husband. We went from talking everyday, seeing eachother several times a week, to only talking once every three weeks, and seeing eachother roughly every six weeks or so. I realized my importance to her, or lack there of, at that point. When she called, she only called because she wanted/needed some thing from me. We would have idle chit chat for a few minutes, then she'd cut to the chase. It was always money for this or that, or watching her children, or a ride somewhere. As a very giving and caring person, I went out on a limb numerous times to help Jane, not expecting a thing in return, while also hoping that helping her would repair our friendship.

 

After several months of doing this, I finally tested her. I stopped calling and texting just to see if she would make any effort in our friendship. I eventually didn't hear from her at all. I was kind of relieved, because it was quite a burden worrying about her, and wanting so desparately to have our old friendship back to the way it was, yet I was angry because I felt abandoned and alone. After a few months of no contact with her, God opened my eyes to how our friendship was all along. Just how toxic and one sided the friendship was the whole time. I couldn't believe I had let myself be so blind. I cried for weeks because I felt so broken. She used me up until I was completely dry, and had nothing left to give. She manipulated me in so many ways. She lead me to believe that she loved me and cared for me while she spoke terrible things about my family and me behind our backs, and spread awful lies about us. I realized that she made many attepts to ruin my good name, and make me look bad. I felt all alone because she got extremely jealous if I tried to have other friends and not include her, so I eventually had no friends at all. She completely alienated me from all of my old friends, and even attempted to alienate me from my family by speaking ill words about me to them. The list goes on and on, I could write a long novel about it. All these things were being revealed to me in sudden waves over time. I felt so angry towards her, confused, broken, alone, empty, dry, dead inside, and even angry at myself for allowing it all to happen. I guess that's what a "loyal to a fault" person, such as myself, gets. On the other hand, I was very grateful and thankful that God opened my eyes to see what others around me were seeing. It was my way of knowing that God has my back, and He's looking out for me.

 

It has been over 8 months since I last spoke with her. I'm finding it so hard to cope after such a toxic friendship. I feel so dead inside, still, even these days. I feel like I have nothing to give, and I'm so burnt out and so scared to make an effort in most of my friendships, and even my realtionship with my husband because I'm afraid It'll all happen again. I spent most of my adult life being controlled, pushed around, and trampled on by her that I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to live my life. Gosh, seeing that in writing makes it seem so pathetic and ridiculous.

 

Now, let me get to the, I guess the hardest part of the situation. I'm trying hard to move on with my life, and be happy, yet Jane's just around every corner keeping tabs on me like I'm a child. When we first stopped speaking, she moved just around the corner from me. Then, a while back, my husband and I moved to another town, one that she said she'd never live in. Yet, low and behold, she moved to the same town, exactly one month later...

You see, Jane is a beautiful girl, and she knows it. She loves knowing that men find her attractive. Before my husband and I even started dating, she wrapped him so tightly around her little finger, even to this day, she has him wrapped. My husband continues texting secretly with Jane on a somewhat consistent basis. I have explained to him why she and I are no longer friends, and I have prayed and prayed that God would open my husband's eyes and heart just as He did mine. My husband doesn't understand at all, and anytime we talk about it, it ends up in a fight. I am sick of feeling like I have to compete with some one who's so narcassistic and manipulative. I literally have a headache and am sick to my stomach as I write this. I'm not the type of woman to dress up everyday, do my hair and make up real nice everyday. I'm more of a natural look, with ponytail, and jeans and tee shirt kind of woman, while Jane the opposite of me. I know deep in my heart that my husband isn't cheating on me, he's not like at all. He's just severely blind to it all.

 

I wish I knew what to do. Since my husband and I can't seem to agree on this situation, and I cannot talk to Jane about all this. I tried once, and it all blew up in my face. I so desperately want to move on, and be happy. I don't want an enemy out of her, I don't want to be her enemy, but I surely do not want to be friends. I just want us to be nothing to eachother, and for her to leave my husband alone, and for him to leave her alone.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any advice to give? Thanks in adavance!

 

God Bless

 

P.S. If you ever notice any warning signs of a toxic friendship, please get out while you can. Please don't let it consume your life and your being! <3

[Guest LadyC]

oh man. i don't really know what to say except that your husband has NO BUSINESS talking to her privately. texting between them should be off limits. it would be inappropriate even in the best of situations, but this isn't. it's a bad situation. he knows that it hurts you and yet he continues to do it, which is disrespecting your marriage and is a form of unfaithfulness...

 

he may not be cheating physically, but he's cheating you out of total devotion to his marriage.

 

you can't do anything about her. personally i suspect she moved to your new town because she has a thing for your husband. you said she had him wrapped before you married him and that he still is. chances are, her previous friendship with you may very well have been more about him than you. i've had "friends" like that before. well, only one. she's not my friend anymore.

 

you need to get some pastoral counseling. if he'll go with you, all the better.

[chrysanthemum]

Thanks LadyC. Everything you said just confirms all the things I've been saying and thinking. He wonders why I get so upset when I find out he's been speaking with her, and you worded it perfectly. I've been so scared to seek counsel out of fear of being judged because I feel like I brought most of this on myself. I don't know maybe it's time to get over that fear and just go. It'd probably do me a world of good, even if I went by myself. As for my husband going, I don't think he would go, he's not big on couneling and therapy, especially when he thnks there's no reason for it.

 

I love my husband to the moon and back, I've had his back on just about everything, but certainly not this...

[jmlusa2000]

I am praying for you! 

[pawz]

me too dear lady

[Guest LadyC]

Thanks LadyC. Everything you said just confirms all the things I've been saying and thinking. He wonders why I get so upset when I find out he's been speaking with her, and you worded it perfectly. I've been so scared to seek counsel out of fear of being judged because I feel like I brought most of this on myself. I don't know maybe it's time to get over that fear and just go. It'd probably do me a world of good, even if I went by myself. As for my husband going, I don't think he would go, he's not big on couneling and therapy, especially when he thnks there's no reason for it.

 

I love my husband to the moon and back, I've had his back on just about everything, but certainly not this...

 

he's a man.  men hate counseling because they hate admitting there's a problem that they might be held accountable for. and men are also clueless and rarely recognize the come-ons of other women. (actually, i think that's a farce. i think they play dumb in that department.)  

 

that's why i suggested you go, even if he doesn't. but it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask your pastor to maybe do a sermon on the appearances of evil? my pastor when i lived in vegas had a policy that he enforced among anyone who was in ministry, and he encouraged it strongly to his congregation... and that is that at no time should any married person be in a situation where they were alone with someone of the opposite sex that they either weren't related to or married to. he stressed that wasn't just 'physically' alone, but that there should never be any private communication that their spouse was not a part of. so no giving someone a ride, no stopping by the house (certainly not going inside the house), no stepping out of the office for lunch, no texting, chatting, skyping, or private messaging, with anyone whom feelings could possibly develop, or with anyone who could cause people to speculate. that's what honoring a marriage is all about.... keeping temptation and gossip at bay by always honoring the spouse. that's what "forsaking all others" means. 

 

seriously, ask your pastor to consider doing a sermon on the sanctity of marriage, and make sure your husband is there that morning. maybe that will sink in, since counseling is (and i use this term tongue in cheek) unmanly. 

[Fez]

What your husband is doing has no excuse. No reason he gives can explain away secretly texting another woman, especially when you have spoken to him about it.

 

He simply has to stop. If he does not this will end in more than tears.

[jmlusa2000]

I'm seeking biblical and Godly advice on a very tough situation that I've been dealing with for years now. I'll try to make it as short as I can.

 

I was best friends with a girl for roughly 8 years, I'll call her Jane here. Jane and I were really close, she seemed very sweet, and just a really great person to be around. We did everything together, and I poured my heart out to her over all those years. We seemed to have more ups than downs, but things weren't exactly what they seemed. After Jane had an affair, she abandoned our friendship because I disapproved of her cheating on her husband. We went from talking everyday, seeing eachother several times a week, to only talking once every three weeks, and seeing eachother roughly every six weeks or so. I realized my importance to her, or lack there of, at that point. When she called, she only called because she wanted/needed some thing from me. We would have idle chit chat for a few minutes, then she'd cut to the chase. It was always money for this or that, or watching her children, or a ride somewhere. As a very giving and caring person, I went out on a limb numerous times to help Jane, not expecting a thing in return, while also hoping that helping her would repair our friendship.

 

After several months of doing this, I finally tested her. I stopped calling and texting just to see if she would make any effort in our friendship. I eventually didn't hear from her at all. I was kind of relieved, because it was quite a burden worrying about her, and wanting so desparately to have our old friendship back to the way it was, yet I was angry because I felt abandoned and alone. After a few months of no contact with her, God opened my eyes to how our friendship was all along. Just how toxic and one sided the friendship was the whole time. I couldn't believe I had let myself be so blind. I cried for weeks because I felt so broken. She used me up until I was completely dry, and had nothing left to give. She manipulated me in so many ways. She lead me to believe that she loved me and cared for me while she spoke terrible things about my family and me behind our backs, and spread awful lies about us. I realized that she made many attepts to ruin my good name, and make me look bad. I felt all alone because she got extremely jealous if I tried to have other friends and not include her, so I eventually had no friends at all. She completely alienated me from all of my old friends, and even attempted to alienate me from my family by speaking ill words about me to them. The list goes on and on, I could write a long novel about it. All these things were being revealed to me in sudden waves over time. I felt so angry towards her, confused, broken, alone, empty, dry, dead inside, and even angry at myself for allowing it all to happen. I guess that's what a "loyal to a fault" person, such as myself, gets. On the other hand, I was very grateful and thankful that God opened my eyes to see what others around me were seeing. It was my way of knowing that God has my back, and He's looking out for me.

 

It has been over 8 months since I last spoke with her. I'm finding it so hard to cope after such a toxic friendship. I feel so dead inside, still, even these days. I feel like I have nothing to give, and I'm so burnt out and so scared to make an effort in most of my friendships, and even my realtionship with my husband because I'm afraid It'll all happen again. I spent most of my adult life being controlled, pushed around, and trampled on by her that I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to live my life. Gosh, seeing that in writing makes it seem so pathetic and ridiculous.

 

Now, let me get to the, I guess the hardest part of the situation. I'm trying hard to move on with my life, and be happy, yet Jane's just around every corner keeping tabs on me like I'm a child. When we first stopped speaking, she moved just around the corner from me. Then, a while back, my husband and I moved to another town, one that she said she'd never live in. Yet, low and behold, she moved to the same town, exactly one month later...

You see, Jane is a beautiful girl, and she knows it. She loves knowing that men find her attractive. Before my husband and I even started dating, she wrapped him so tightly around her little finger, even to this day, she has him wrapped. My husband continues texting secretly with Jane on a somewhat consistent basis. I have explained to him why she and I are no longer friends, and I have prayed and prayed that God would open my husband's eyes and heart just as He did mine. My husband doesn't understand at all, and anytime we talk about it, it ends up in a fight. I am sick of feeling like I have to compete with some one who's so narcassistic and manipulative. I literally have a headache and am sick to my stomach as I write this. I'm not the type of woman to dress up everyday, do my hair and make up real nice everyday. I'm more of a natural look, with ponytail, and jeans and tee shirt kind of woman, while Jane the opposite of me. I know deep in my heart that my husband isn't cheating on me, he's not like at all. He's just severely blind to it all.

 

I wish I knew what to do. Since my husband and I can't seem to agree on this situation, and I cannot talk to Jane about all this. I tried once, and it all blew up in my face. I so desperately want to move on, and be happy. I don't want an enemy out of her, I don't want to be her enemy, but I surely do not want to be friends. I just want us to be nothing to eachother, and for her to leave my husband alone, and for him to leave her alone.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any advice to give? Thanks in adavance!

 

God Bless

 

P.S. If you ever notice any warning signs of a toxic friendship, please get out while you can. Please don't let it consume your life and your being! <3

 

When people distance themselves from a particular person or situation, it usually means that something is going on they don't want you knowing about. People are quite observant though, and they do pay attention to the details more than what other people think. People are smart enough to figure things out.  She was thinking that if she stop speaking to you, that you won't notice... 

[alien224]

Praying

[gdemoss]

The greatest thing about this life is learning to truly love. The hardest thing about this life is learning to truly love.

The situation is tragic at best but the best I can say is Christianity is about learning to live a life based upon rigorous honesty. I have found that my problems have usually been of my own making. At some point in time I made decisions based upon self that later put me in a position to be harmed. In all my conflicts I have found that I played a part and needed to address my part and make amends for my behavior. I have learned much about the pun in punish over time. Today my life and my relationships are better for it. Peace.