How to deal with overly sensitive family member

[Shy Christian]

My sister and I are both middle aged but she is ten years older.  She has three grown children and several grandchildren who are indeed great kids but in her eyes they can do NO wrong.  She has always been quick to defend them and takes offense if you say anything that suggests they are less than perfect.  One of her sons now has two stepdaughters.  During a family visit on Thanksgiving the teenager was mouthing off to her mother (my sister’s D-I-L) and nothing was said to the girl at the time. 

While speaking with my sister after Christmas I asked if the girl was “better behaved” during Christmas than the last time we saw her.  My sister acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about even though she was in the room while her step granddaughter was being sassy.  I repeated a few of the disrespectful comments the girl had said to her mother and merely mentioned to my sister that she shouldn't have been talking to her mother rudely and embarrassing her in a group.  My sister shrugged off what I said about the girl and quickly responded that I also talked back to OUR mother....40 years ago….really??  What does that have to do with anything?  To that I said, “And I got slapped for it.”

Anyway, I’m upset because my sister has done this previously.  She is super sensitive and defensive about her family and will deflect every and any minor perceived criticism and try to make ME look bad, for things that happened decades ago.  How can I let her know to stop when she gets offended so easily?  I might add that she is quick to go on and on criticizing OTHER people's kids...     

Edited December 27, 2016 by Shy Christian

[LadyKay]

5 hours ago, Shy Christian said:

My sister and I are both middle aged but she is ten years older.  She has three grown children and several grandchildren who are indeed great kids but in her eyes they can do NO wrong.  She has always been quick to defend them and takes offense if you say anything that suggests they are less than perfect.  One of her sons now has two stepdaughters.  During a family visit on Thanksgiving the teenager was mouthing off to her mother (my sister’s D-I-L) and nothing was said to the girl at the time. 

While speaking with my sister after Christmas I asked if the girl was “better behaved” during Christmas than the last time we saw her.  My sister acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about even though she was in the room while her step granddaughter was being sassy.  I repeated a few of the disrespectful comments the girl had said to her mother and merely mentioned to my sister that she shouldn't have been talking to her mother rudely and embarrassing her in a group.  My sister shrugged off what I said about the girl and quickly responded that I also talked back to OUR mother....40 years ago….really??  What does that have to do with anything?  To that I said, “And I got slapped for it.”

Anyway, I’m upset because my sister has done this previously.  She is super sensitive and defensive about her family and will deflect every and any minor perceived criticism and try to make ME look bad, for things that happened decades ago.  How can I let her know to stop when she gets offended so easily?  I might add that she is quick to go on and on criticizing OTHER people's kids...     

Hello, I would say that if you know how she is going to respond then just don't say anything to her about any of her children's or grand children. Sometimes it is best to keep things to yourself.  

[missmuffet]

7 hours ago, Shy Christian said:

My sister and I are both middle aged but she is ten years older.  She has three grown children and several grandchildren who are indeed great kids but in her eyes they can do NO wrong.  She has always been quick to defend them and takes offense if you say anything that suggests they are less than perfect.  One of her sons now has two stepdaughters.  During a family visit on Thanksgiving the teenager was mouthing off to her mother (my sister’s D-I-L) and nothing was said to the girl at the time. 

While speaking with my sister after Christmas I asked if the girl was “better behaved” during Christmas than the last time we saw her.  My sister acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about even though she was in the room while her step granddaughter was being sassy.  I repeated a few of the disrespectful comments the girl had said to her mother and merely mentioned to my sister that she shouldn't have been talking to her mother rudely and embarrassing her in a group.  My sister shrugged off what I said about the girl and quickly responded that I also talked back to OUR mother....40 years ago….really??  What does that have to do with anything?  To that I said, “And I got slapped for it.”

Anyway, I’m upset because my sister has done this previously.  She is super sensitive and defensive about her family and will deflect every and any minor perceived criticism and try to make ME look bad, for things that happened decades ago.  How can I let her know to stop when she gets offended so easily?  I might add that she is quick to go on and on criticizing OTHER people's kids...     

I can not see the whole picture on this since I am only hearing one side. Have you ever sat down and had a nice long honest talk with your sister and told her exactly what is on your heart? She may be very angry and you may not see her again but everything will then be out in the open.

[The_Patriot21]

well in the end her kids are her responsibility....id just let that one go...and pray for a better relationship. if she wants bratty kids thats her deal, and if her daughter mouths off to you in your home ask her to leave...and if your sister has a issue with it, politely tell her that its your house and you wont be disrespected like that in your own home. And if she makes a issue ask her to leave. otherwise id leave her parenting style alone.

[Jacobson]

8 hours ago, Shy Christian said:

My sister and I are both middle aged but she is ten years older.  She has three grown children and several grandchildren who are indeed great kids but in her eyes they can do NO wrong.  She has always been quick to defend them and takes offense if you say anything that suggests they are less than perfect. 

Do you have kids, and grand kids?  If you don't, your sister might think you're not qualified to say anything negative about the kids.  In any case, just leave it be.

[Shy Christian]

I didn't think she would get defensive over her step granddaughter.  If someone else's kid talked like that, my sister would have something to say about it, but since it's her "son's", I guess it's OK...   What made me so upset this time is that she changed the subject saying that I also talked back when I was young and making me look foolish in front of MY son.  

[Shy Christian]

Redemption, you seem to have gotten the wrong idea.  I don't "keep criticizing" her family.  I used the words "perceived" criticism (meaning in HER eyes) and "suggesting less than perfect".  It's early so I can't even think of examples, but I'm just talking about making a passing comment in conversation and she will jump on her child's bandwagon when I didn't even mean any harm.  She clearly overreacts.  It happens maybe once every other year.  What bothers me most is, like I said, quickly switching the topic to something "I" did in the past to try to make ME look bad.       

Edited December 29, 2016 by Shy Christian

[Sing40King]

I think most families have someone like that. I have an uncle who's kids won't obey them, talk back, and sware and they won't correct them. They even do it at family gatherings and if anybody comments about the kids behavior they'll just say they don't need any advise on how to raise their kids. People just stopped inviting them to gatherings.