My family hurts me deeply

March 21, 2005

I need scriptural advice about how to deal with my family. I have a sister and mother who profess to be Christians. However, they are constantly saying and doing things that hurt me deeply. If I try to address the issues with them, they deny it, or laugh at me insinuating that there is something wrong with me. If I push the issue, they will "freeze me out," sometimes for years at a time. (They also treat each other like this.)

I want to keep God's laws. I want to honor my Mother and keep peace with my sister. However, I also feel that God probably did not put me on this earth to be someone's doormat.

Does anyone have any scripture that deals with these types of rejecting/disappointing relationships?

This is very painful for me. I don't know what to do.

March 21, 2005

HELP!!!!!!!!!

I really need help here! Anyone out there?

Willow · March 21, 2005

I am going to grab my bible and see if I can jot some down for you. But let me tell you this.....

........I know exactly what you mean and what you sound like you are going thru.

I have had for years, pain from a mom and dad (no siblings) that do the same thing to me. They are getting more in touch with God as Christians......but I have years, my whole life really, of scars to deal with. Actually for God to deal with. I can't heal myself.

That is one thing to remember - you cannot heal yourself. You can certainly take steps to help yourself, but God has to do that inner healing. You know, the place deep inside where nobody else sees the hurt done to your heart, spirit, self esteem, self worth, and self image. The things that hurt how you look at yourself, and in turn how you treat yourself and how others can treat you. No you don't have to be a doormat. You do have to honor your mother and father, and family. LOL my friend once told me that the verse that speaks of honouring your parents, it also mentions that you will live a long life? or a long life will be granted to you?......I will find it. Anyways, she said if that was the case, I have stored up enough years on this earth to rival Methuselah (he lived 969 years ) LOLOLOL

There is a book called Boundaries. Here is a link to see about it. It covers more things that I can talk about.....I highly recommend it.

Boundaries book

I am walking this road right now with you. As we speak.....like today I had to deal with more of it. The thing is.....I am realizing as painful as it is for me, and as much as I love and honour them, I can honour people and still not talk to them. I can honor someone and still not be around them. Honouring comes in many forms......like not back talking about them and all they do to you. Now if you have a spouse or someone you trust, of course you can share for support and encouragement, but you can still choose how you say it, not to protect them necessarily, but that what is coming out of your mouth is true, unexagerated, and not slanderous. It is possible and like I said, I am learning this too.

I will run and grab my bible and get some verses for you. But in the meantime, just keep praying the Lord's grace in helping you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Willow

seraph · March 21, 2005

These verses are not specifically addressing family situations, but imo how we should conduct ourselves in any situation despite persecution. *praying for you*

Acts 5:29b

We must obey God rather than men.

John 15:18-19

"If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you.

"If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you.

"Remember the word that I said to you, 'A slave is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also.

"But all these things they will do to you for My name's sake, because they do not know the One who sent Me.

Matthew 5:43-45

"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.'

"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

2 Timothy 3:10-14

Now you followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, perseverance,

persecutions, and sufferings, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium and at Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of them all the Lord rescued me!

Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.

You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them,

1 Timothy 4:12, 15-16

Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.

Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all.

Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.

nebula · March 21, 2005

However, they are constantly saying and doing things that hurt me deeply. If I try to address the issues with them, they deny it, or laugh at me insinuating that there is something wrong with me.

This is a classic defense strategy known as blame-shifting. People who are too insecure with themselves throw out defenses rather than acknowledge they have anything wrong with them. Blame-shifting is one of those. Adam used this one - "That woman which You gave me . . . ."

And yes, it is sin to do so.

The first order of business is to pray. Pray for them that they be healed. And pray for yourself that you may be healed and retain a humble spirit through it all.

I know it's not easy - my father blame-shifts, too. But you must pray for them - not against them.

Likewise, you need to stop letting yourself be "the victim." To do so, you need to be healed and strengthened in your faith. Healing means you are not bound by your own insecurities which prevent you from truly loving. I know this because of my own life - I could never stand up to my father's anger. I'm getting better, but I'm not there yet. Strengthened in your faith means your trust and hope are in the Lord to deliver and sustain you; when attacked, you do not see yourself but you see Jesus - "Christ in you, the hope of glory."

Prayers for your strength and deliverance (whether physical deliverance, or deliverance from the prison of your soul).

LORD bless!

Dad Ernie · March 21, 2005

I need scriptural advice about how to deal with my family. I have a sister and mother who profess to be Christians. However, they are constantly saying and doing things that hurt me deeply. If I try to address the issues with them, they deny it, or laugh at me insinuating that there is something wrong with me. If I push the issue, they will "freeze me out," sometimes for years at a time. (They also treat each other like this.)

I want to keep God's laws. I want to honor my Mother and keep peace with my sister. However, I also feel that God probably did not put me on this earth to be someone's doormat.

Does anyone have any scripture that deals with these types of rejecting/disappointing relationships?

Greetings G Cooper,

In addition to the scriptures which have already been given to you, I am reminded of these:

Matthew 10:36-38 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

Luke 14:26-27 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. 27 And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.

You appear to be the "sensitive" type. Which is fine, but you inflict wounds upon yourself because you don't have your priorities in order. Once you get the above priorities straightened out in your life then:

Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Ponder upon these verses too:

Romans 12:18-21 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Blessings,

Dad Ernie

Leonard · March 22, 2005

Sis: Some people are just jerks; and always will be. There's nothing you can do, except love them, and stop expecting them to live up to some higher expectations you have for them. IT PROBABLY AIN'T GONNA' HAPPEN. The sooner you let it go, the better.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!

March 25, 2005

Praise God for you Willow. I am so relieved that someone else deals with the same thing. Thank you for your kindness.

GCooper

I am going to grab my bible and see if I can jot some down for you. But let me tell you this.....

........I know exactly what you mean and what you sound like you are going thru.

I have had for years, pain from a mom and dad (no siblings) that do the same thing to me. They are getting more in touch with God as Christians......but I have years, my whole life really, of scars to deal with. Actually for God to deal with. I can't heal myself.

That is one thing to remember - you cannot heal yourself. You can certainly take steps to help yourself, but God has to do that inner healing. You know, the place deep inside where nobody else sees the hurt done to your heart, spirit, self esteem, self worth, and self image. The things that hurt how you look at yourself, and in turn how you treat yourself and how others can treat you. No you don't have to be a doormat. You do have to honor your mother and father, and family. LOL my friend once told me that the verse that speaks of honouring your parents, it also mentions that you will live a long life? or a long life will be granted to you?......I will find it. Anyways, she said if that was the case, I have stored up enough years on this earth to rival Methuselah (he lived 969 years ) LOLOLOL

There is a book called Boundaries. Here is a link to see about it. It covers more things that I can talk about.....I highly recommend it.

Boundaries book

I am walking this road right now with you. As we speak.....like today I had to deal with more of it. The thing is.....I am realizing as painful as it is for me, and as much as I love and honour them, I can honour people and still not talk to them. I can honor someone and still not be around them. Honouring comes in many forms......like not back talking about them and all they do to you. Now if you have a spouse or someone you trust, of course you can share for support and encouragement, but you can still choose how you say it, not to protect them necessarily, but that what is coming out of your mouth is true, unexagerated, and not slanderous. It is possible and like I said, I am learning this too.

I will run and grab my bible and get some verses for you. But in the meantime, just keep praying the Lord's grace in helping you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Willow

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

March 25, 2005

Thank you to all who replied.

I really appreciate it. I was also very healed by knowing that others have dealt with the same thing.

Just an update: I started praying that God would heal me from my anger that I was accumulating from the insults and put downs.

God delivered!! One evening, rather than being angry, I was overcome with grief, instead. I cried like I haven't cried in years. I accepted the truth that these people are flawed and that God is still working with them on their issues. I let my fantasy go of what I wanted my Sister and Mother to be and what they used to be. I let them go, and started praying for them too.

God healed me through grief. The next morning, I felt a tremedous weight lifted from me and a sense of freedom. I am no longer angry and even feel some pity for them.

I will continue to honor God's law by honoring my Mother and keeping peace with my sister. I will always be there for them if they ever needed me, and I will never retaliate or even express anger at them. However, I will also no longer volunteer to be the family whipping post. Those days are over.

***Healed*****

Thank you for your prayers...