woman has a crush on my husband

[romans828]

Hi! I will get straight to the point. I need to know what to do about a woman at my church who has a crush on my husband. She used to work with him, and got to know him well through their job. I would not call myself a friend of hers - we are more like acquaintances. However, I do know enough about her to know she is having problems in her marriage and that she thinks highly of my husband. (She confessed this to a mutual friend of ours, and of course the friend got suspicious and told me.) Also, she was getting personal with him at work - sending him text messages, emails, and private messages ... stuff like that. Nothing sexual, but her communication was playful and flirtatious in nature. Also, she was going to my husband for spiritual guidance. My husband has no feelings of attraction for her (she is not his type), but he did admit that she gave him an ego boost. When I told him I thought she was interested in him, he immediately distanced himself from her and cut off all personal communication with her. She was not happy about this, and basically told him she didn't understand why he no longer felt comfortable being her friend since they were both Christians and attended the same church. Thankfully, she moved to a different job, and she no longer sees him every day. 

My problem is, we still have to deal with her at church. She will come up to my husband to speak with him whether I'm present or not. While I don't know her personally very well, others have told me she is Godly, and I really don't think she would purpose to try and make her own life better by leaving her husband to pursue mine. I do think, however, that she is happy to continue to make her presence known in my husband's life in the hope that she will be the one "next in line" for him if something were to happen to me. 

Here's my question - what do I do with my negative feelings toward her? 

Edited July 5, 2017 by romans828
clarification

[wingnut-]

I think one important thing that you don't want to do, is to allow these thoughts to cause problems in your marriage.  In other words, don't get angry with your husband over this, if you do what you are sending him is a message that you don't trust him.  So, if this woman continues to approach him, don't take your frustration out on him.  The only other suggestion I have is that maybe you go to this woman yourself and express your concerns, not in a confrontational sort of way, but just to let her know from one Christian to another that you're not comfortable with this.

God bless

[romans828]

Thank you! I am not upset with my husband - I trust him completely. I just don't like it when she comes around him and gives him a certain smile or looks at him a certain way or tries to engage him in a lengthy conversation. I just think she should stop initiating contact with him because she is not friends with me, and I don't believe married Christian women should pursue friendship with married Christian men ... it's too easy for the devil to sneak in and stir up problems. 

I have been praying for an opportunity to do what you suggested and speak with her about things, so I appreciate the confirmation of that!

[Anonymous Aristotle]

49 minutes ago, romans828 said:

Hi! I will get straight to the point. I need to know what to do about a woman at my church who has a crush on my husband. She used to work with him, and got to know him well through their job. I would not call myself a friend of hers - we are more like acquaintances. However, I do know enough about her to know she is having problems in her marriage and that she thinks highly of my husband. (She confessed this to a mutual friend of ours, and of course the friend got suspicious and told me.) Also, she was getting personal with him at work - sending him text messages, emails, and private messages ... stuff like that. Nothing sexual, but her communication was playful and flirtatious in nature. Also, she was going to my husband for spiritual guidance. My husband has no feelings of attraction for her (she is not his type), but he did admit that she gave him an ego boost. When I told him I thought she was interested in him, he immediately distanced himself from her and cut off all personal communication with her. She was not happy about this, and basically told him she didn't understand why he no longer felt comfortable being her friend since they were both Christians and attended the same church. Thankfully, she moved to a different job, and she no longer sees him every day. 

My problem is, we still have to deal with her at church. She will come up to my husband to speak with him whether I'm present or not. While I don't know her personally very well, others have told me she is Godly, and I really don't think she would purpose to try and make her own life better by leaving her husband to pursue mine. I do think, however, that she is happy to continue to make her presence known in my husband's life in the hope that she will be the one "next in line" for him if something were to happen to me. 

Here's my question - what do I do with my negative feelings toward her? 

Were it me, the next time I saw her approaching my husband in church, I'd intercept her. Then I would look her in the eyes and very firmly but gently tell her that he's married. What she's doing is unseemly, and not within the confines of how a woman should behave toward a married couple. 
And then I'd be very direct and tell her to stop harassing my husband, get over her crush, it is a sin and it is not in any way going to be reciprocated. I'd tell her, if necessary I'll have our pastor talk with you. And if that does not work, I'll get a restraining order against you. This of course will appear on your permanent record for life. It tells anyone who see's it that you are unable to comport yourself in a decent manner when told to stay away from someone. And as a consequence of that behavior you've been threatened by the law, the court, and the police who will be called if you violate that order, to stay away from my husband. 

I'd close with, do we understand one another?   

And that would not be a threat. I would get a restraining order if it came to that. There is something very wrong with a woman who stalks a married man. 

Watch your back. 

 

[romans828]

1 minute ago, Anonymous Aristotle said:

Were it me, the next time I saw her approaching my husband in church, I'd intercept her. Then I would look her in the eyes and very firmly but gently tell her that he's married. What she's doing is unseemly, and not within the confines of how a woman should behave toward a married couple. 
And then I'd be very direct and tell her to stop harassing my husband, get over her crush, it is a sin and it is not in any way going to be reciprocated. I'd tell her, if necessary I'll have our pastor talk with you. And if that does not work, I'll get a restraining order against you. This of course will appear on your permanent record for life. It tells anyone who see's it that you are unable to comport yourself in a decent manner when told to stay away from someone. And as a consequence of that behavior you've been threatened by the law, the court, and the police who will be called if you violate that order, to stay away from my husband. 

I'd close with, do we understand one another?   

And that would not be a threat. I would get a restraining order if it came to that. There is something very wrong with a woman who stalks a married man. 

Watch your back. 

 

Thank you! I agree there is something wrong with her. I feel badly for her because I know she is starved for a Godly man due to her marital issues. I just think she needs to get help for her own marriage rather than seeking attention in a dangerous manner. I certainly hope a restraining order wouldn't be necessary - I'm not sure if her behavior is what would qualify as stalking at this point as she is only trying to speak with him at church. (Initially, after she quit working at the same place he works, she did drop by there, but he ignored her when she showed up, and she hasn't shown up at his workplace since.) 

[romans828]

9 minutes ago, Anonymous Aristotle said:

Were it me, the next time I saw her approaching my husband in church, I'd intercept her. Then I would look her in the eyes and very firmly but gently tell her that he's married. What she's doing is unseemly, and not within the confines of how a woman should behave toward a married couple. 
And then I'd be very direct and tell her to stop harassing my husband, get over her crush, it is a sin and it is not in any way going to be reciprocated. I'd tell her, if necessary I'll have our pastor talk with you. And if that does not work, I'll get a restraining order against you. This of course will appear on your permanent record for life. It tells anyone who see's it that you are unable to comport yourself in a decent manner when told to stay away from someone. And as a consequence of that behavior you've been threatened by the law, the court, and the police who will be called if you violate that order, to stay away from my husband. 

I'd close with, do we understand one another?   

And that would not be a threat. I would get a restraining order if it came to that. There is something very wrong with a woman who stalks a married man. 

Watch your back. 

 

Also, I do my best to try to intercept her when I see her coming, and I think that works very well since I'm the one in charge of the conversation and eye contact. The last time, however, she got to him before I could intercept, and she ended up conversing with him for several minutes. I'm just waiting for that opportunity for her to ask why there is tension ... I get the feeling she senses it, and I've told God if she asks, that's my signal to move forward with a discussion. 

[Anonymous Aristotle]

31 minutes ago, romans828 said:

Also, I do my best to try to intercept her when I see her coming, and I think that works very well since I'm the one in charge of the conversation and eye contact. The last time, however, she got to him before I could intercept, and she ended up conversing with him for several minutes. I'm just waiting for that opportunity for her to ask why there is tension ... I get the feeling she senses it, and I've told God if she asks, that's my signal to move forward with a discussion. 

You're waiting for a woman trespassing on your space as a wife, because she's crushing on your husband, to give you the signal to tell her she's out of line? 
She pushes because she can. And if your husband isn't interested he shouldn't lead her on by conversing with her at all. He's the one that owes you the loyalty. He should tell her in no uncertain terms to step off because he's not interested. She keeps coming at him because he's giving her signals just by talking to her. 

You're here asking us how to back off a woman who's flirting with your husband. Why doesn't your husband step up and defend his relationship with his wife? 

 

[romans828]

1 minute ago, Anonymous Aristotle said:

You're waiting for a woman trespassing on your space as a wife, because she's crushing on your husband, to give you the signal to tell her she's out of line? 
She pushes because she can. And if your husband isn't interested he shouldn't lead her on by conversing with her at all. He's the one that owes you the loyalty. He should tell her in no uncertain terms to step off because he's not interested. She keeps coming at him because he's giving her signals just by talking to her. 

You're here asking us how to back off a woman who's flirting with your husband. Why doesn't your husband step up and defend his relationship with his wife? 

 

Hi! I did not ask how to get her to back down ... no offense!  I was mostly asking how to deal with the negative feelings I have toward this woman. I don't like harboring bad thoughts about people - especially those who claim Christ. That's what I need help with.

I do know how to stand up for myself and my marriage, and I will do so when the Spirit opens the door. I don't want to act rashly. I have prayed, and I trust that God will let me know when I need to be a little more forceful with her. As for my husband, of course God only knows his true thoughts toward her, but I trust him when he says he doesn't have feelings for her and that he isn't attracted to her. When he does get "stuck" talking with her, he tells me he keeps things to one or two word answers, and he tries to exit the conversation as politely as possible. 

[Culinary]

I'm going to just chime in here with my 2 cents for what it's worth. I think that as human beings, Christians,  and maybe just being women makes more...errr likely to want to believe the good in people especially people with whom we worship with and whom also profess to be Christians. 

This is off topic but I feel relevant to making my point. I had been attending our church for about 7 years at the time. My children were in children's choir which met numerous times a week. There was a father who brought his daughter and you we were all a big church family spending a fair amount of time together over the years. At the end of each practice we'd all get together and pray... except one day he didn't join us and while we prayed my purse was next to him. He stole my credit card and proceeded to buy over 5k worth of merchandise from stores in the area in the next 12 hours. 

I like you thought on numerous occasions that something seemed off about this individual...yet I assumed because we were both Christians and in church regularly together that my gut was wrong...when all along it was right.  He was caught on video at several stores using my card. As well as on church cameras taking the card out of my wallet. He was caught and charged by the stores and sent to prison.

It's not rash in anyway to listen to your gut.  That's God's voice within us that something isn't right. He wants us to listen to it. That is the spirit opening the door. Maybe He wants you to stand for your marriage. The devil comes into our lives dressed in a whole lot of different ways. Sometimes it's even in our churches, worshipping right next to us, professing the word of God. It's sad but true.

[wingnut-]

2 hours ago, romans828 said:

Thank you! I am not upset with my husband - I trust him completely. I just don't like it when she comes around him and gives him a certain smile or looks at him a certain way or tries to engage him in a lengthy conversation. I just think she should stop initiating contact with him because she is not friends with me, and I don't believe married Christian women should pursue friendship with married Christian men ... it's too easy for the devil to sneak in and stir up problems. 

I have been praying for an opportunity to do what you suggested and speak with her about things, so I appreciate the confirmation of that!

 

You are most welcome, and just to be clear I wasn't under the impression you were upset with him at all, just a reminder that it's a direction you want to avoid, no matter how frustrating it may be.  I agree that she should stop this as well, which is why I think appealing to her as one Christian woman to another is the way to go.  Maybe she doesn't realize she is hurting you, and as a sister in Christ that should matter.  So I would go with the biblical approach to resolving issues within the body, first go to her one on one, and if that does not stop it then go with two or three others.  Will be praying that this is resolved quickly and peace is restored to you.

God bless