Never Thought I'd Have an Affair

[barnabas]

Faithful or unfaithful...it seems that you are focusing on you and your sin , i.e. the affair and lust.

May I suggest that you focus on your husband and your relationship. What does the affair give you that your husband does not? What needs are being met by this other man?

Confess your sin to your husband. Repent. Discuss your needs. Maybe you can involve a third party (counsellor).

I'm afraid that stopping this affair might only be a temporal solution if you do not resolve the issues with your husband.

Do you talk to your husband? If you do not or can't, you can write (but not in accusing form).

[Guest revelations]

The other day I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom thinking about what I wanted for dinner.  I opened the door and found my wife standing in front of the full mirror crying her eyes out. 

 

I held her for a while, and when she calmed down I asked if she had fallen down or bumped her head? 

 

She turned and looked at her behind in the mirror and then asked me, "Honey am I as big as a cow?"...her voice choking back tears...

Do I tell the truth? 

 

Am I going to be honest? 

Am I going to say the right and honest thing so I don't live a lie? 

Am I going to tell the truth as fast and as nice as I can? 

 

Am I going to say to my bride: "Yes you are as big as a cow, but you are still my cow"???? 

 

James Dobson once gave a talk about how to stay married...one of the most important things to do to stay happily married is to "Close one eye" 

 

sometimes you just have to turn away from both the things your mate does, as well as a few things you have done,,,,and shut one eye.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

D Smith.... please tell me where in the Bible does Jesus say it is ok to close one

eye in a marriage? I can tell you, i would not want my spouse saying one thing to me and thinking another, just to save my feelings. Sure you try to soften the reply, but don't lie.

[Orr v'emet]

The other day I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom thinking about what I wanted for dinner.  I opened the door and found my wife standing in front of the full mirror crying her eyes out. 

 

I held her for a while, and when she calmed down I asked if she had fallen down or bumped her head? 

 

She turned and looked at her behind in the mirror and then asked me, "Honey am I as big as a cow?"...her voice choking back tears...

Do I tell the truth? 

 

Am I going to be honest? 

Am I going to say the right and honest thing so I don't live a lie? 

Am I going to tell the truth as fast and as nice as I can? 

 

Am I going to say to my bride: "Yes you are as big as a cow, but you are still my cow"???? 

 

James Dobson once gave a talk about how to stay married...one of the most important things to do to stay happily married is to "Close one eye" 

 

sometimes you just have to turn away from both the things your mate does, as well as a few things you have done,,,,and shut one eye.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is not even the same thing. You are trying to compare apples and oranges. Do you read the Word of God and do you even care what it says? Maybe you should before giving out advice that clearly contradicts the bible.

[Gerioke]

The other day I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom thinking about what I wanted for dinner.  I opened the door and found my wife standing in front of the full mirror crying her eyes out. 

 

I held her for a while, and when she calmed down I asked if she had fallen down or bumped her head? 

 

She turned and looked at her behind in the mirror and then asked me, "Honey am I as big as a cow?"...her voice choking back tears...

Do I tell the truth? 

 

Am I going to be honest? 

Am I going to say the right and honest thing so I don't live a lie? 

Am I going to tell the truth as fast and as nice as I can? 

 

Am I going to say to my bride: "Yes you are as big as a cow, but you are still my cow"???? 

 

James Dobson once gave a talk about how to stay married...one of the most important things to do to stay happily married is to "Close one eye" 

 

sometimes you just have to turn away from both the things your mate does, as well as a few things you have done,,,,and shut one eye.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Your wife is as big as a cow?

I've seen some big women before but that's gotta be a guinnes record

[Guest Bro David™]

D. Smith,

Firstly, understand...

That beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

My mother is fat, but ask my father and he will tell you that she is the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. You might think he is lying, but actually in his eyes my mother indeed is.

That James Dobson is totaly wrong, In a marriage importantly the couples need love.

Which breeds understanding, which breeds harmony.

Not closing one eye. Which leads me to the question why not close both ?.

That my dear lad is how to stay married.

Not avoiding the fact that God gave us both eyes.

Now try this, close your eyes only in sleep, and open them when you start thinking.

With Love

David King

[Deez131]

I swore I wasn't going to get into this, but here I am getting into it. I think some of the replies are getting a bit nasty - which is uncalled for. This is a very emotional issue for many people and it's easy to get worked up. I hope everyone can step back and breathe for a minute and realize how we should be talking to our brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm not condemning anyone in particular, just a gentle reminder TO BE NICE!!

Anyway, that being said.....I can't come down on if she should or shouldn't tell her husband. I would be interested to know if the Bible specifically states to confess TO YOUR SPOUSE about an affair. I don't think it does. I'll have to check it out. I know we shouldn't lie, but I can also understand D Smith's point about not placing a burden on the spouse when the burden should be yours to bear, and not your spouses. I do think the spouse should confess to someone though. For accountability.

Personally, and I think that's what it boils down to (unless the Bible says otherwise - which I'm not sure at this point), I would want to know. I'm one of those people who wants to know - everything. I want to be able to make an informed decision. I want the respect of knowing my spouse will be honest with me and not hide anything from me. Of course, if he had an affair....well, there goes the honesty, and respect for that matter. I would want to know - regardless of the damage it would do to me. I don't think everyone is like that.

I was married for 11 years to a man - and I use that term loosely - who consistently had affairs. I could never prove them, but I knew. He wouldn't admit to it. Consequently, I never trusted him. I finally found concrete proof (when one of the girls got pregnant and had a DNA test). He admitted it, finally, but then took it back and said it never happened. I might have been able to gain an ounce of trust in him SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW if he would have told me. Bottom line is that I suspected, he wouldn't admit, I never trusted him.

That, along with other things in my life have led me to the point that if someone isn't COMPLETELY honest with me, I tend to think they're hiding other stuff. Maybe that's my issue, maybe it's not. Maybe it's just years of experience that hightened my senses. I tend to say everything about what I'm thinking and feeling. I wish everyone would. It's never gonna happen.

So, to the original poster.... Has your husband ever stated that he would or wouldn't want to know? Did he encourage you to tell your previous husband?

[Imamom]

So, to the original poster.... Has your husband ever stated that he would or wouldn't want to know? Did he encourage you to tell your previous husband?

Previous husband? I don't recall anything about a previous husband.

[Guest bbs71]

So, to the original poster.... Has your husband ever stated that he would or wouldn't want to know?  Did he encourage you to tell your previous husband?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm not sure what you're referring to w/ the "previous husband". This is my first marriage. When we have talked about a situation like this is years past, he's never really said one way or the other if he would want to know. I told him explicitly that I would never want to know, provided it was just an isolated, one-time thing and he was indeed regretful that it happened. I can only dare to imagine how much finding out something like that would hurt and forever change a relationship, even if you can make it work and stay together. No matter what, it will never be quite the same. But if I had to guess, I think he would prefer the same course himself, as long as it wasn't habitual behavior.

I know that what I've done is one of the most disrespectful things that you can do to someone you say that you love....not only to him, but to God and the rest of the people that I took a vow in front of on my wedding day. At this point, I'm just trying to reconcile what I've done with God before I go any further. And I'm not trying to tell a sob story or have a pity party. I'm the last person who should ask for that. But as some have said, it truly is a heavy burden to bear, especially by yourself. You go home and you know that you don't deserve anything good in your life because you've tried to throw it all away with really foolish decisions.

But out of curiosity, I have a question for you all who advocate telling the spouse. Suppose you're with someone that you don't really realize how fragile/unstable they are mentally/emotionally. You confess your sin and they commit suicide. I know this is an extreme example but I'm sure it has happened somewhere and by no means do I foresee this happening in my own case. But I'm just curious as to how you all feel about responsiblity and not perpetuating a lie in that case??

[craig911]

I know we shouldn't lie, but I can also understand D Smith's point about not placing a burden on the spouse when the burden should be yours to bear, and not your spouses. 

Knowing what I do about affairs and how they can affect a relationship. I Have to say without a doubt you must discuss this and confess it to your husband. This is a burden to you every day as you deal with feelings that rise up inside you because of what you have done. That being your burden to carry may be true but when you joined together with you husband it was to be as one. You took it upon yourself to set that aside to meet a need you felt you had to meet. It does not however mean that your husband does not or should not have the right to decide if he wants to continue the marriage with you. Last but not least some of the sexually transmitted diseases that are out there show up when you least expect them. You have no right to conceal this from your husband as there are many ways this could get worse. I am not trying to be rude but the bottom line is this should be brought out in the open. Take your husband, go see your pastor and bare your soul to the man you swore to love, honor and cherish til death did you part.

I think that's what it boils down to (unless the Bible says otherwise - which I'm not sure at this point), I would want to know.  I'm one of those people who wants to know - everything.  I want to be able to make an informed decision.  I want the respect of knowing my spouse will be honest with me and not hide anything from me.  Of course, if he had an affair....well, there goes the honesty, and respect for that matter.  I would want to know - regardless of the damage it would do to me.  I don't think everyone is like that.

Absolute truth with a spouse is one of the hardest things to deal with on both sides. And trust is even harder. But it is called for and expected. Again I have to say if you are not willing to share all of it then why even bother staying married. Just forgive yourself and leave him. I am not trying to be mean just brutally honest. True love is not just there it is earned , given, shared, worked for, heart breaking it is many many things. But it has to be given by both and taken with all that may test its strength otherwise it is not a marriage.

I have been on the other side of this in more ways than one. My ex-wife had a five month affair with my brother which, started before my wedding and lasted into the first couple of months of the marriage. When I found out two years later I was beyond crushed. I survived it but to even think that I could have not had a choice in deciding to stay in the marriage or not scares me. Mainly because she would have never told me. It was the brother that confessed and she finally admitted once confronted.

It has taken me forever to really trust another woman again. I finally have. It is still not easy. I have to always tell myself to not listen to the voice that tells me to doubt or not trust. It is hard but I refuse to burden my wife with something she does not deserve. She is given my all, blindly until there is a reason to think otherwise. She does not have to prove her love or commitment to our marriage to me.

On the same hand I do not do things that would put myself in a position that something has a higher potential to go wrong or fail in me giving my all to our marriage. Why? Because I am with someone that I can love completely. I am always going to have the fear that something may happen. I also have to realize that I can face my fears my wife should not have to live them down. As that is my cross to bear not hers.

That, along with other things in my life have led me to the point that if someone isn't COMPLETELY honest with me, I tend to think they're hiding other stuff.  Maybe that's my issue, maybe it's not.  Maybe it's just years of experience that hightened my senses.  I tend to say everything about what I'm thinking and feeling.  I wish everyone would.  It's never gonna happen. 

Your probably right about the "It's never gonna happen" not everyone can. I do have to say this. If one cannot give the trust a marriage deserves to your husband or wife. And just like your faith in christ, have faith in your marriage How will it grow? It is that trust and faith and commitment to each other that creates the bond between you. It in turns brings you together as one. The truth is if this is not present in a marriage if you take the time to be honest with yourself you will know. How could you not.

To the original poster. The affair was not only about you. It is about your marriage. The fact that you had the affair shows your relationship was not being tended. Now you have to let your husband know and it will be up to the two of you to both decide if the other is the one you truly want to be married to. Your husband is not totally without fault here. Granted he shares a very very small portion in the affair itself but he shares it just the same. Tell your husband and get it over with for both of you. God willing you will grow from this and have a stronger marriage for it.

[craig911]

I'm not sure what you're referring to w/ the "previous husband".  This is my first marriage.  When we have talked about a situation like this is years past, he's never really said one way or the other if he would want to know.  I told him explicitly that I would never want to know, provided it was just an isolated, one-time thing and he was indeed regretful that it happened.  I can only dare to imagine how much finding out something like that would hurt and forever change a relationship, even if you can make it work and stay together.  No matter what, it will never be quite the same.  But if I had to guess, I think he would prefer the same course himself, as long as it wasn't habitual behavior.

You are correct it will never be the same. It will be over or it will grow stronger. It has been narrowed down to the two.

I know that what I've done is one of the most disrespectful things that you can do to someone you say that you love....not only to him, but to God and the rest of the people that I took a vow in front of on my wedding day.  At this point, I'm just trying to reconcile what I've done with God before I go any further.  And I'm not trying to tell a sob story or have a pity party.  I'm the last person who should ask for that.  But as some have said, it truly is a heavy burden to bear, especially by yourself.  You go home and you know that you don't deserve anything good in your life because you've tried to throw it all away with really foolish decisions.

It is Christ who can wipe away our sins. It is in asking for forgivness that we receive it. I would be the first to say if I were in your shoes I would tel land expect my marriage to be over. I would never consider it a choice I could make alone. I would have to tell her. I would be very afraid of losing the only person I have ever loved blindly but I also feel it would have to be her choice.

But out of curiosity, I have a question for you all who advocate telling the spouse.  Suppose you're with someone that you don't really realize how fragile/unstable they are mentally/emotionally.  You confess your sin and they commit suicide.  I know this is an extreme example but I'm sure it has happened somewhere and by no means do I foresee this happening in my own case.  But I'm just curious as to how you all feel about responsiblity and not perpetuating a lie in that case??

I find it hard to believe that you could be married for more than a couple of years and not know that your spouse was unstable. I would still do it. Again I did say start with counseling and getting your pastor involved and then I would still confess. Living with that much guilt can just as easily ruin your marriage by ruining your feelings of belonging. I am praying for you. I know Gods will, will be served.