Wife fell out of love

[Amanda Frances]

 

God has the answers .. your crying out for help from the body of Christ.  Let's all pray for this man and his wife.  

Would you like me to put this on the prayer list or you can do it?

Please stay strong and wait for God to answer your prayers... ask him for wisdom ... 

Let me share a couple verses I like.

Proverbs 3: 5 &6 

Trust in the Lord with all thy heart lean not on your own understanding in ALL your ways..

acknowledge HIM and he shall direct your path. 

Praying for you and her and your situation...

Edited October 16, 2018 by Frances

[onedirection]

sorry ya'll, I was trapped in about day and a half of depression that I couldn't control, so that's where a lot of that wrestling is coming from

tuesday afternoon the depression just sort of faded away, without any prayers or anything (from me)

i've been feeling pretty positive since then and I started seeing a new counselor

it's hard to stay graceful when something your wife is doing (or not doing) causes you physical and mental anguish, but I recognize I can't do it upon my own strength, and that is probably the point I'm struggling to absorb the most

i'm actually considering depicting this in an info graphic, something like - The Following Jesus Playbook; maybe I'll draft one and post it here for feedback

Frances, I posted on the prayer list awhile back, I really appreciate everyone's prayers

[onedirection]

In my depression, I'm being too hard on myself. Everyone has seen our married history and her own family and my family have re-assured me I have done nothing wrong. Her own sister and father have commended me and said its not me, its her, and that I'm treating her better than she deserves. That is their measuring stick however, in grace, you can never treat someone too well.

It is important to understand the timing too. Now that some of the smoke is clearing, I believe this situation was unavoidable.

1. I swooped in and sort of rescued her from a crappy single mom life
2. We rushed to get married
3. We rushed to have our first kid
4. She fell out of love (secretly)
5. We both started a dysfunctional cycle of being angry and demanding - this is where I'm being too hard on myself. Yes I did some crappy things, but it happened AFTER she fell out of love, or what seems like no reason. My research suggests its a combination of immaturity and honeymoon phenomenon. I forgive her every day for it and start fresh.
6. Then her real feelings finally all came out, and that's what I've been wrestling to fix the last 5 months.

I'm doing the best I can to put myself in her shoes, so I can understand her. It is really hard on many levels, particularly because she has some weird guard up and you can't get a read on her. What do I mean by lusting? Its a common guy thing, just too much emphasis on sex. Some of that is a result of our over-sexualized world. It takes a lot of praying and discipline to make the urges go away and be healthy, I've made great strides.

As for her support, there is none. She refuses counseling and does not discuss this with her own family or closest friends, it is a secret to all.

My counselor believes she needs trauma therapy to deal with baggage from the past. So the next steps are she is going to show me how to create a safe place for her to begin that counseling.

[onedirection]

Will she begin counseling? I have no idea. We tried it for a couple months when I basically made it an ultimatum, and she went against her will. Now she quit and I haven't asked her to go back. I do think I have found a better counseling center now, they are more christian-based. She was trying to avoid the christian talk, and I went along with it because it was all I had. She refuses to discuss this before the church or a pastor.

Been together 7 1/2 yrs married 5 1/2 years.

According to her she "fell out of love" 3 1/2 years ago, so basically 2 years into the marriage. It doesn't entirely add up because there are many moments where she was clearly happy and in love, but it was here and there. I'm not exactly certain how to quantify it.

I know she has the wrong definition of love, and you know that, but she doesn't. I understand the companion love concept. It isn't hard for me to love her at all, I still do love her every day, and I forgive her every day. What is hard is to not be depressed / disappointed / resentful for lack of reciprocation. It's my Achilles heel.

[onedirection]

Thank you for the prayers. An army is praying for me/us!

It is funny you mention that, it was exactly my prayer this morning. I started out admitting that I was confused, frustrated, hopeless, and I prayed for direction, understanding, and patience.

No one can love unconditionally like Jesus. We can practice it, but we'll fail, and we'll get back up again and try. I pray to be able to do it. And many times I do quite well, but there are still times where I will fail.

[onedirection]

I thought things were going good this weekend. My wife was engaging with me a lot in conversation and did some sweet things for me like order me dinner so I could eat when my plane landed, saved a place for me in line at the doctor, and picked up my medicine.

Then it all goes south today. I casually let her know my parents would be visiting around the holidays, she had a falling out with my mother 5 months ago. She told me that my mother is evil, is a horrible person, and she hates her. Yikes! Little background on my mom, she is a follower of Jesus, but she can be overbearing at times.

Then she went onto remind me that she does not love me and things are "awkward enough around here", and that we should get a divorce. But she says she will stay here because this is her home too and for the good of the kids.

The positive side to all of this is I got some really good practice being Christ-like. I did not fight. I did not judge. I did not invalidate her feelings. I did not talk about her, I only talked about my feelings and what is best for us. I told her I still love her (after she said she didn't love me). And I told her I have enough love for the both of us.

I also affirmed for her that I will put her wishes ahead of my mother, and if we have to make alternative visiting arrangements, I would. I told her that God is first, she is second, the kids are third, and I am last.

I really can't see my way out of this thing, it just seems like there is no hope and it is so sad. I'm taking this opportunity to be a servant leader, we'll see what Jesus wants to do with all of this. I hope I can muster the stamina to keep this up. Whew this is hard!!!

[onedirection]

maryjane, yes I knew about the falling out. I brought the topic up so we could get this conversation started, but I framed it as "my parents are planning to visit end of November", as opposed to "do you mind if my parents visit". I let her know that plane tickets aren't booked and if she wanted to handle this an alternative way, that I would put her wishes ahead of my own.

Yes Pepper, I backed off quite a bit, but when I have the opportunity to speak truth, I take it. I'm not chasing her around like a dog looking for a bone. In the early going I didn't do a good job of that, so that's probably what you're reading.

[HikerMom]

You’re getting some good advice here and I hope you are listening.   

As for you “speaking truth” to her, you are still trying to be her parent rather than a partner.  You can’t be th Holy Spirit for someone else.  You need to be more humble.   You need to work on your own heart rather than obsessively trying to fix her as you are STILL doing.  Give up this control!!

[Amanda Frances]

Listen to God and do what he tells you.  Trust God and stop worrying about it.  Love and forgive be patient.  

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.  LOVE NEVER FAILS!

[onedirection]

things seem to be changing over here, in all of our collective hearts, i've been praying so hard, the Holy Spirit is doing something, I can't quite put my finger on it

here is a run down of all the happenings in no particular order

• I invited my parents without discussing with my wife - yes, but my wife did the same thing (invited her parents for thanksgiving and never told me). Not making any excuses, but as a couple we are still not that great at communicating because we each fear one another's reaction. This seems to be subsiding, the last 2 big talks we had were very productive and graceful.
   
• I now have a decent amount of evidence that it is possible that my mother has been lying during our entire marriage. Starting conversations that are inappropriate and then denying them. I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. I mean, it's my own mother! How do you think that makes me feel? I'm just giving it to grace. The chips fell where they landed, I'm not going to try to defend, investigate, prove, or blameshift about anything. Not my wife, my mom, her mom, myself, etc... as Frances states 'Love never fails', starting this week I've ascended to a new level of peace and love that I have never felt before.
   
• End result, my wife and mom are not going to be on speaking terms. Who knows if they will ever reconcile; it's out of my hands, but I do have hope.
   
• On Saturday my wife said things are 'awkward enough as it is around here'. I said 'why?'. She said "we don't love each other". I corrected her, I told her I loved her. She said that we should just get a divorce. My wife has a habit of saying things she doesn't mean, I feel like she is testing me for validation. A few minutes later I told her I have enough love for the both of us. I also told her that God is first, she is second, the kids are third, and I am last. Then I followed up the next couple days living that truth.
   
• She has been warming up to me lately. We're engaging in a lot of conversation, eye contact, and being comfortable in each other's space. We also started watching our TV shows together again after about 5 weeks of her avoiding me. There is just something different going on about how it all feels, but I can't help but be confused that she used the divorce word so recently, plus the rift with my mother, it really puts a dent in things. The anger and resentment that I couldn't control before seems to have subsided. The yearning for physical contact, automatic rejection, and depression cycle has also temporarily subsided. I'm starting to understand what it feels like to be fully plugged into Jesus. I feel like there is a battery in my chest that is buzzing me on full.

My counselor said something that really opened my eyes. She said, I can't do this unconditional love thing on my own, that's why I keep failing. It comes from God. But when you pray, the effects aren't immediate, but one day you wake up, and if you've been following his teachings, you get rewarded with a peace that your mind cannot comprehend.

I don't know if this is permanent change or just temporary. I pray for the self-control to keep my hands off the wheel.