Mom had a stroke.

[Berean]

My mom had a massive stroke last night and it's likely she won't survive. Oldest sister said she's brain dead. I went to the emergency room where the family was gathered. I said my goodbye albeit briefly. Everyone seems to be holding up well, especially dad. He's 89 years old. While waiting in the lobby with the rest of the family I was pacing back and forth and dad asked if I'd like to leave. He actually asked me this a couple of times. I asked if he would be OK with that and he said yes. I asked my two sisters that were there if they would be OK with that and they said that it would be OK with them. I asked each of them twice and they said yes each time. There was nothing to do anyway except wait. So I left and came back to work. They're going to take her off life support at 2:30 CT and they think that she should go pretty fast after they do. 

What do you think? Do you think it was OK for me to leave or stay? 

[Still Alive]

My father died last year of a brain tumor. He was 90. He died in hospice a week after he was hospitalized and completely unresponsive during that time. He was in Seattle and I'm in Kentucky. We flew there when he was admitted. I was not there when he passed, but I was there a few hours before he passed. I'm REALLY glad I went. It brought closure.

Interestingly it has not been a particularly emotional experience to me because he lived a full life and I fully believe he's simply gone somewhere where I will be going myself not to long from now. But I'm really glad I was with him in that last day. Not for his sake, but for mine.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Still Alive

[johnthebaptist]

3 hours ago, Berean said:

My mom had a massive stroke last night and it's likely she won't survive. Oldest sister said she's brain dead. I went to the emergency room where the family was gathered. I said my goodbye albeit briefly. Everyone seems to be holding up well, especially dad. He's 89 years old. While waiting in the lobby with the rest of the family I was pacing back and forth and dad asked if I'd like to leave. He actually asked me this a couple of times. I asked if he would be OK with that and he said yes. I asked my two sisters that were there if they would be OK with that and they said that it would be OK with them. I asked each of them twice and they said yes each time. There was nothing to do anyway except wait. So I left and came back to work. They're going to take her off life support at 2:30 CT and they think that she should go pretty fast after they do. 

What do you think? Do you think it was OK for me to leave or stay? 

I flew out to my mother when she was dying. She hung on quite a while - nearly a week had gone by. It was starting to look like she might hang on quite a while longer, and I had to think about flying back home. The fact of the matter is that we had all gone out on errands so that only my sister-in-law was with her when she finally died, about a week after I arrived.

It would be good if you are with her when she dies, and it sounds like she might die quickly when she is taken off life support. Still, you can't be with her every second. I would suggest you just use your best judgment.

Edited May 13, 2021 by johnthebaptist
spelling error

[OneLight]

Loosing a parent is not easy to watch.  I've lost both of mine.  My mother hung in there for a very long time after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, which gave me some time to visit as I lived a couple of hours north of her.  My sisters lived in the same town so she was never alone, until the time she passed.  My father went during an open heart surgery, which we all were at the hospital for.  My heart goes out to you during this time.

[Charlie744]

5 hours ago, Berean said:

My mom had a massive stroke last night and it's likely she won't survive. Oldest sister said she's brain dead. I went to the emergency room where the family was gathered. I said my goodbye albeit briefly. Everyone seems to be holding up well, especially dad. He's 89 years old. While waiting in the lobby with the rest of the family I was pacing back and forth and dad asked if I'd like to leave. He actually asked me this a couple of times. I asked if he would be OK with that and he said yes. I asked my two sisters that were there if they would be OK with that and they said that it would be OK with them. I asked each of them twice and they said yes each time. There was nothing to do anyway except wait. So I left and came back to work. They're going to take her off life support at 2:30 CT and they think that she should go pretty fast after they do. 

What do you think? Do you think it was OK for me to leave or stay? 

Somehow, I imagine seeing you outside looking up to the sky and thinking so many wonderful thoughts and memories you had with her during her life! Enjoy them.... she gave you them so you can have her for all your life! This life is so much more spiritual than we imagine.... even in these bodies.  God bless and please keep us updated, Charlie

[Willa]

Both of my parents have been with the Lord for over 40 years.  I still miss them.  Remember the good times and the love they gave you.  

[ladypeartree]

To answer your question YES it was fine to leave ...speaking as a mum I do not ever want my children to stand around feeling useless when they have things to do . IF you could have helped in any way by being there I am sure you would have been told what to do but as it was she was not alone ( and it sounds as if she was not even aware of who was or wasnt there ) so you were just taking up space and making others feel more agitated. If you did all you could for her when she was alive then there was nothing you could do at that point so remember her with all the good memories and dont taint them by your last memories being of your own distress 

[Berean]

21 hours ago, Charlie744 said:

Somehow, I imagine seeing you outside looking up to the sky and thinking so many wonderful thoughts and memories you had with her during her life! Enjoy them.... she gave you them so you can have her for all your life! This life is so much more spiritual than we imagine.... even in these bodies.  God bless and please keep us updated, Charlie

She was declared brain dead today at 11:15 am while we were waiting. It pains me to say this but she wasn't a nice person. Few good memories. We were (are?) a dysfunctional family and it was mostly due to her. 

[Charlie744]

12 minutes ago, Berean said:

She was declared brain dead today at 11:15 am while we were waiting. It pains me to say this but she wasn't a nice person. Few good memories. We were (are?) a dysfunctional family and it was mostly due to her. 

I am so sorry to hear that! I have no problem believing that is even more devastating for you and your family. Now you maybe reliving too many terrible memories and so many bad feelings coming up from deep inside you. Yet she is still your mother and you should not be having these kind of thoughts at her passing......You would like to grieve like most people do when they lose a parent, but you can't because of all these terrible memories coming forward....

This isn't normal - you should be crying and feeling so sad because you are losing your mother, but it is just the opposite - this person who should have been kind and loving to you was not and she caused so much damage in you. 

There is ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS - this is what God does!!!!! He has seen everything that was done to you when it happened, He knows the reasons behind her words and actions. This is when YOU must run right into His arms... God is the only one to get your through this... it is too big for you! Go tell Him you need Him now and surrender your memories, your thoughts, your guilt and your sorrows for what was, what could have been and what should have been during your life with her. 

Ask God to take away those memories and pain and to give them all to Him... He will take them from you.... I do really mean this... You will find it absolutely impossible to cleanse yourself from the past memories and feelings... but they should not be a part of your future... but only God can remove them as though they never happened and you will be free from them! He is God and knows how you struggled - God bless always, Charlie

 

[Marathoner]

6 hours ago, Berean said:

She was declared brain dead today at 11:15 am while we were waiting. It pains me to say this but she wasn't a nice person. Few good memories. We were (are?) a dysfunctional family and it was mostly due to her. 

I understand. My late mother despised me and my younger sibling; she refused to let us see her when she was in hospice care. She disowned me long ago and there wasn't a thing I could do to change her mind. My parents' house was a living hell and while my late father underwent a miraculous change before I escaped their roof (we grew close before he passed on), my mother never changed. She resented me for dropping everything to seek Jesus Christ and nursed a grudge until the end. 

I would have preferred to say goodbye but I honored her wishes, the only way I could honor my mother regardless of the nightmare I endured in her house. I let go of those things a long time ago. My father's passing was traumatic in comparison; I was homeless on the other side of the country when I learned about his swift decline, but the Lord made it possible for us to connect one last time before he passed away. 

I called and a sibling advised me that he couldn't speak and didn't remember anyone before putting my father on the phone. When I said something my father unexpectedly came to life: "Son, it's so good to hear your voice. I love you, son." Those were his last words to me and apparently to anyone before he passed away a few weeks later.