rose tinted glasses of nostalgia

[creativemechanic]

Theres a saying- when we look back at things with roses tinted glasses of nostalgia, we tend not to see the red flags.

I had an amusing  example of this recently.

Married people have been seen disparaging the practice of dating , saying it wasnt in biblical times. Peoples parents chose the spouse for them and they acted as if that was a better option. To back this up, they said Muslims do it still and they say that - you learn to love them eventually. As nice as it sounds, they  left out some key parts.

1)  They dated their spouses that they are so happy with, noone chose them for them. So why do they think arranged marriages are better now that theyre out of the dating game?

2)In Biblical times, as with Muslims today, men could and would divorce quickly for frivolous reasons- eg meeting a prettier woman, wife burned the food. Thats probably why Jesus set up the principles in Matthew 7.

3) Many of the girls as with Muslims today were  often married very would, early to later teens. Sometimes. to much older men. Would you want that done to you or your kids?

 

4) Throughtout history many arranged marriages were done for parents political or material gain, not because of the kids loving each other or being compatible. Would you want that done to you or your kids?

 

It was a hilarious moment. People often forget that not everything mentioned in the bible was an exact principle that  were to be followed. sometimes the bible mentioned events as they happened whether good or bad.

[FJK]

Lotta things need to be supported in this post, so that it doesn't seem like unsupported conjecture.

[AdHoc]

8 minutes ago, creativemechanic said:

Theres a saying- when we look back at things with roses tinted glasses of nostalgia, we tend not to see the red flags.

I had an amusing  example of this recently.

Married people have been seen disparaging the practice of dating , saying it wasnt in biblical times. Peoples parents chose the spouse for them and they acted as if that was a better option. To back this up, they said Muslims do it still and they say that - you learn to love them eventually. As nice as it sounds, they  left out some key parts.

1)  They dated their spouses that they are so happy with, noone chose them for them. So why do they think arranged marriages are better now that theyre out of the dating game?

2)In Biblical times, as with Muslims today, men could and would divorce quickly for frivolous reasons- eg meeting a prettier woman, wife burned the food. Thats probably why Jesus set up the principles in Matthew 7.

3) Many of the girls as with Muslims today were  often married very would, early to later teens. Sometimes. to much older men. Would you want that done to you or your kids?

 

4) Throughtout history many arranged marriages were done for parents political or material gain, not because of the kids loving each other or being compatible. Would you want that done to you or your kids?

 

It was a hilarious moment. People often forget that not everything mentioned in the bible was an exact principle that  were to be followed. sometimes the bible mentioned events as they happened whether good or bad.

I agree with what you have said and would like to add.

The best "Matchmaker" is God Himself. But there is a drawback. We usually marry when we are young and are equally young Christians. That means we are not so schooled in following, or hearing, the indwelling Spirit. But God knew this and so He created "Eros". English is rather a poor language. It has one word - "love". Greek is rich and has three - 1. Eros - the good old feeling of a weakness in the knees as you see one woman in a room full of them. 2. Philadelphia - the virile love for a wife once you know her or another Christian. 3. Agape - is much the same as Philadelphia but is used in connection with God's love - the kind of love that you can love an enemy with.

I'm not an authority on marriage being still with my fist wife of now 44 years, but I've observed a few things.

1. You better be in love when you marry. The tests can be quite severe and a loveless marriage is easy to get out of.
2. You better be in love because in Genesis 3:16 God decreed an unending desire for the woman to try to rule the man. Having observed my own marriage, and that of siblings and friends, this is a major test. On the one hand God has created government, but on the other hand He usually chooses a "help MEET" for the man. The word "help" means a companion and the word "meet" mans "up to the standard of". Have you ever noticed how many strong men get strong wives and how man retiring men get retiring wives? But have you also noted how a stronger wife COMPLIMENTS a more retiring man.
4. This brings us back to arranged marriages. God is the Master of circumstances. Even in your youth, with youthful inexperience, you mostly see a man get the right woman and visa versa. My wife and I have a total of 11 siblings. True to the times we live in, half are divorced. Except for one, whose husband is an alcoholic and an abuser, ALL the divorced agree that in retrospect they could have made a better effort and still been with the first.
5. God is the Grand Matchmaker. If you've got a tough wife, it's probably because you are a tough husband. Marriage is a training ground. It is mean to be both a pleasure and an obstacle course. Don't sweat the small things. Remember the 80/20 rule. Even if you are the most accommodating person you're going to only have 80% satisfaction in your marriage. With 20% effort you will achieve 80% satisfaction. If you want 100% satisfaction you will be dissatisfied for 80% 0f the time. If you accept 20% failure you'll be 80% satisfied.
6. God is always right. Marriage is not joined by a priest, judge or marriage officer. It is joined by God when a man and a woman make love and stay together after that. Since it is joined by God in reality, a broken marriage will never leave you unless the marriage was abusive. But you'll still ave a past together - and probably children.
7. Marriage works almost equally as well among the unbelievers. The divorce rate is only about 5% better among Christian marriages. Don't marry your partner's religion. Marry because you're deeply in love. But if you can get a Christian partner - wonderful. I know I'll get flack for this one, but I've been watching Christian marriages for 50 years. Marry first for love but be under no illusions. The marriage will have some drawbacks if one is not a Christian. Let's say you'll have to settle for a 70/30 marriage. I've watched the saints for decades. If you got a good Christian for a partner - they're gold worth. But you might have a religious one who makes new Laws of Moses every week. And then the never-ending nagging starts. Our Lord Jesus should be the reason for fellowship, not for bending a marriage partner to your will.

Marry for love FIRST - and ... don't make religion an issue. Let it happen - WITH MUCH PRAYER

[AdHoc]

43 minutes ago, FJK said:

Lotta things need to be supported in this post, so that it doesn't seem like unsupported conjecture.

Yeah. It's going to be a controversial one ...

[Neighbor]

1 hour ago, creativemechanic said:

Would you want that done to you or your kids?

 

I call my present wife my child bride. Not because we married young, but for the age difference. Would I want that done to me? Sure! Seems to be working out very nicely too.

Did I actually pick her out of a Russian Bride catalog?  Not say'n. LOL

[Neighbor]

People fall in lust and grow into love. Some do so under God and His will, some do not and some get turned about  even in the midst of life and it's adventures, marital adventures and others too.

Rules; though perhaps nice to know, they don't matter all that much for  success, as the score is not recorded till the game is ended.

[creativemechanic]

4 hours ago, FJK said:

Lotta things need to be supported in this post, so that it doesn't seem like unsupported conjecture.

how so

[Willa]

15 hours ago, AdHoc said:

Even if you are the most accommodating person you're going to only have 80% satisfaction in your marriage. With 20% effort you will achieve 80% satisfaction. If you want 100% satisfaction you will be dissatisfied for 80% 0f the time. If you accept 20% failure you'll be 80% satisfied.

1Pe 3:5 AMP For in this way in former times the holy women, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands and adapting themselves to them;

We women are called to adapt ourselves to our husbands.  That is part of the definition of submit in the Greek.  It means that we are called to 90% effort to change ourselves, come under, adapt to, admire and cherish our husbands.  This also takes a great deal of determination to make our marriages work.  

 

[kwikphilly]

18 hours ago, AdHoc said:

I agree with what you have said and would like to add.

The best "Matchmaker" is God Himself. But there is a drawback. We usually marry when we are young and are equally young Christians. That means we are not so schooled in following, or hearing, the indwelling Spirit. But God knew this and so He created "Eros". English is rather a poor language. It has one word - "love". Greek is rich and has three - 1. Eros - the good old feeling of a weakness in the knees as you see one woman in a room full of them. 2. Philadelphia - the virile love for a wife once you know her or another Christian. 3. Agape - is much the same as Philadelphia but is used in connection with God's love - the kind of love that you can love an enemy with.

I'm not an authority on marriage being still with my fist wife of now 44 years, but I've observed a few things.

1. You better be in love when you marry. The tests can be quite severe and a loveless marriage is easy to get out of.
2. You better be in love because in Genesis 3:16 God decreed an unending desire for the woman to try to rule the man. Having observed my own marriage, and that of siblings and friends, this is a major test. On the one hand God has created government, but on the other hand He usually chooses a "help MEET" for the man. The word "help" means a companion and the word "meet" mans "up to the standard of". Have you ever noticed how many strong men get strong wives and how man retiring men get retiring wives? But have you also noted how a stronger wife COMPLIMENTS a more retiring man.
4. This brings us back to arranged marriages. God is the Master of circumstances. Even in your youth, with youthful inexperience, you mostly see a man get the right woman and visa versa. My wife and I have a total of 11 siblings. True to the times we live in, half are divorced. Except for one, whose husband is an alcoholic and an abuser, ALL the divorced agree that in retrospect they could have made a better effort and still been with the first.
5. God is the Grand Matchmaker. If you've got a tough wife, it's probably because you are a tough husband. Marriage is a training ground. It is mean to be both a pleasure and an obstacle course. Don't sweat the small things. Remember the 80/20 rule. Even if you are the most accommodating person you're going to only have 80% satisfaction in your marriage. With 20% effort you will achieve 80% satisfaction. If you want 100% satisfaction you will be dissatisfied for 80% 0f the time. If you accept 20% failure you'll be 80% satisfied.
6. God is always right. Marriage is not joined by a priest, judge or marriage officer. It is joined by God when a man and a woman make love and stay together after that. Since it is joined by God in reality, a broken marriage will never leave you unless the marriage was abusive. But you'll still ave a past together - and probably children.
7. Marriage works almost equally as well among the unbelievers. The divorce rate is only about 5% better among Christian marriages. Don't marry your partner's religion. Marry because you're deeply in love. But if you can get a Christian partner - wonderful. I know I'll get flack for this one, but I've been watching Christian marriages for 50 years. Marry first for love but be under no illusions. The marriage will have some drawbacks if one is not a Christian. Let's say you'll have to settle for a 70/30 marriage. I've watched the saints for decades. If you got a good Christian for a partner - they're gold worth. But you might have a religious one who makes new Laws of Moses every week. And then the never-ending nagging starts. Our Lord Jesus should be the reason for fellowship, not for bending a marriage partner to your will.

Marry for love FIRST - and ... don't make religion an issue. Let it happen - WITH MUCH PRAYER

Agree,in retrospect":youth is wasted on the young"- lol,there's no wisdom in youth unless of course one walks in Spirit & in Truth ....had I knew them what I now Know I most certainly would have stayed married to my first husband,I believe so.

Im not too sure I agree with your last statement,however ,it depends on what you meant by " religion".If you are talking about the traditions &:customs of men then of course I agree wholeheartedly....I think that is what you were saying and as our Relationship with God in Christ is considered " religion"then of course I can agree 1000%.... Our " religion" is Love,isn't it?The Love of Christ ❤️

I'm no authority on marriage,that's for sure but there has been many arranged marriages where the 2 did come to truly LOVE one another,this I know because of the long line of Sicilians my own family comes from- although one turned out very very badly and the last to uphold this custom was my grandparents who were the first to reject it when they fell in love on the ship to America where my Grandmother was on her way to meet her intended,oops my Grandfather was on that ship and all bets were off,lol.  My Grandpa had to pay my great grandparents ,pay off the family of the awaiting fiance and swept Grandma off her feet......and that was the end of all the fixed marriage tradition for my family.

But back then people were different,usually the " set up" couples families knew each other well,the husbands &:wives likely played together as children,villagers were a close knit community.....people did Love one another.Well,it was that way in Sicily anyway.....My Great Grandparents arranged that marriage when the 2 friends were pregnant,had the fiance's family not migrated to America my Grandmother would not have met my Grandpa & I suppose I wouldn't be here writing,lol

With love in Christ, Kwik

[farouk]

2 minutes ago, kwikphilly said:

Agree,in retrospect":youth is wasted on the young"- lol,there's no wisdom in youth unless of course one walks in Spirit & in Truth ....had I knew them what I now Know I most certainly would have stayed married to my first husband,I believe so.

Im not too sure I agree with your last statement,however ,it depends on what you meant by " religion".If you are talking about the traditions &:customs of men then of course I agree wholeheartedly....I think that is what you were saying and as our Relationship with God in Christ is considered " religion"then of course I can agree 1000%.... Our " religion" is Love,isn't it?The Love of Christ ❤️

I'm no authority on marriage,that's for sure but there has been many arranged marriages where the 2 did come to truly LOVE one another,this I know because of the long line of Sicilians my own family comes from- although one turned out very very badly and the last to uphold this custom was my grandparents who fell in love on the ship to America where my Grandmother was on her way to meet her intended,oops my Grandfather was on that ship and all bets were off,lol.  My Grandpa had to pay my great grandparents ,pay off the family of the awaiting fiance and swept Grandma off her feet......and that was the end of all the fixed marriage tradition for my family.

But back then people were different,usually the " set up" couples families knew each other well,the husbands &:wives likely played together as children,villagers were a close knit community.....people did Love one another.Well,it was that way in Sicily anyway.....My Great Grandparents arranged that marriage when the 2 friends were pregnant,had the fiance's family not migrated to America my Grandmother would not have met my Grandpa & I suppose I wouldn't be here writing,lol

With love in Christ, Kwik

@kwikphilly Often the geographical location of the couple concerned influences whether the proposed arranged marriage will actually happen or not.......

I think of the words asked of Rebekah in Genesis about Isaac's servant: "Wilt thou go with this man?" Clearly it was not a compulsory arrangement...