Widows and Widowers - What was the hardest part to adjust to?

[debrakay]

I figure here might be a good place to start.  I have been reading all of the books for the past 8 months since my husband passed way but I would like to hear from some real people who have experienced the death of their spouse.  A Christian forum should have a few people who are looking for fellowship and advice to an adjusting widow.

I will try to make my story as short as possible.  It was my second marriage and it last almost 40 years.  His health was an issue, Rheumatoid Arthritis and then other complications because of all the heavy-duty RA drugs for 50 years.  The last 2 years were the worst, and I did my best to take care of him though I lost my patience regularly when he would not stop drinking beer.  He was still mowing lawns in 2021.  His tolerance for pain was unbelievable and he used beer to numb the pain since the doctors would not give him pain medication because "heaven forbid!" he became a drug addict at age 80.  Don't get me started on the medical industry in the past few years.

In September 2022 he told the Lord "No More!" and the Lord let him come home, peacefully and quietly at home with me at his side.  It was beautiful and it was a blessing.  My strapping handsome 5'11" husband weighing 170 pounds when I married him now was 5'6" tall and weighted 119 pounds.  His body was done. 

Now 8 months later I am trying as best I can to move forward and serve the Lord, my family and friends but every day is a struggle since he is not here to chat with and breathe with.  My kids and grandkids live in other states.  Most everyone in my life close by still work, have their own spouse, have their own family, have their own life so I try to bother them too much.  I am an independent woman and can take care of a lot but honestly every day is difficult in one way or another.  Emotions are a problem, but the grief is not overwhelming as it would be selfish of me to wish him back here in the condition that he was in.  And of course, I am realistic that we cannot turn back the hands of time to when he was healthy and strong.

I guess what I would like to hear about is how you took on all the responsibilities alone after having a helpmate for 4 decades or longer.  Do I simply relax and take each day and each issue as they come?  Do I give myself a break and quit trying to be Superwoman?  How do I adapt to being single when I have not been single for 50 years when my daughter came into my life to take care of?  How do I stop feeling like a third wheel when I am with others?  I love my home and I do try to get out at least a few times a week even if it just a short trip to the grocery store, but being home is my sanctuary.  I don't want to fill my days with go, go, go.  Will it just keep getting easier and easier as the day, months and years pass?  

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.  It's a strange new world for me.

[AdHoc]

On 6/6/2023 at 9:23 PM, debrakay said:

I figure here might be a good place to start.  I have been reading all of the books for the past 8 months since my husband passed way but I would like to hear from some real people who have experienced the death of their spouse.  A Christian forum should have a few people who are looking for fellowship and advice to an adjusting widow.

I will try to make my story as short as possible.  It was my second marriage and it last almost 40 years.  His health was an issue, Rheumatoid Arthritis and then other complications because of all the heavy-duty RA drugs for 50 years.  The last 2 years were the worst, and I did my best to take care of him though I lost my patience regularly when he would not stop drinking beer.  He was still mowing lawns in 2021.  His tolerance for pain was unbelievable and he used beer to numb the pain since the doctors would not give him pain medication because "heaven forbid!" he became a drug addict at age 80.  Don't get me started on the medical industry in the past few years.

In September 2022 he told the Lord "No More!" and the Lord let him come home, peacefully and quietly at home with me at his side.  It was beautiful and it was a blessing.  My strapping handsome 5'11" husband weighing 170 pounds when I married him now was 5'6" tall and weighted 119 pounds.  His body was done. 

Now 8 months later I am trying as best I can to move forward and serve the Lord, my family and friends but every day is a struggle since he is not here to chat with and breathe with.  My kids and grandkids live in other states.  Most everyone in my life close by still work, have their own spouse, have their own family, have their own life so I try to bother them too much.  I am an independent woman and can take care of a lot but honestly every day is difficult in one way or another.  Emotions are a problem, but the grief is not overwhelming as it would be selfish of me to wish him back here in the condition that he was in.  And of course, I am realistic that we cannot turn back the hands of time to when he was healthy and strong.

I guess what I would like to hear about is how you took on all the responsibilities alone after having a helpmate for 4 decades or longer.  Do I simply relax and take each day and each issue as they come?  Do I give myself a break and quit trying to be Superwoman?  How do I adapt to being single when I have not been single for 50 years when my daughter came into my life to take care of?  How do I stop feeling like a third wheel when I am with others?  I love my home and I do try to get out at least a few times a week even if it just a short trip to the grocery store, but being home is my sanctuary.  I don't want to fill my days with go, go, go.  Will it just keep getting easier and easier as the day, months and years pass?  

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.  It's a strange new world for me.

Two days are gone without an answer. I am not widowed but lost a good friend to cancer in 2012 and we have kept contact with his wife. I can only report second hand - for what it's worth.

The Bible is brutally honest. Widows are at a disadvantage. Special allowance is made for them in both Testaments. But your report above just about echoes my friend's widow. Loneliness is your enemy. In most cases your main breadwinner is gone. You ARE the odd one at every social gathering. If you happen to be still attractive, you will be met with open hostility by some Christian wives. Folks who initially included you will slowly start to "forget" to invite you. The Church which should support you financially if you need it, will find reasons not to. All your fellow believers will be "very busy" when your car breaks down. 

I'm sorry to have to report this. But it could save you some illusions. And you'll be armed to cope much quicker. When God made man He joined Himself to men. That is, God does a part and you do a part. Moses' mother made the basket and placed him in the crocodile infested Nile. She employed lookouts, but had to let go. God did the rest. You will have to do a part and God will do the rest.

There is a rule in life called the 80/20 rule. Most of us are reasonable competent. 20% of our ability brings 80% success. That is over for widows. It is now 20/80 rule. You're going to invest 80% and get 20% back. Be ready and cherish the 20%. God might give a greater return, but cherish the small things. They will become as honey in your mouth and belly. Take any chance-meeting boldly. You get rebuffed some of the time, but then when you do sit down with a stranger, milk it for what it's worth. We all have our political views and our religion. Being the winner of a political position means loneliness. Beating your Pastor in a Bible dispute will cost you dearly. Turn your sure answer into a not-so-sure question.

There are lonely people all over. They're just waiting to meet you. Don't talk about yourself. Ask them questions. Everybody who has lived has a story to tell. Keep yourself groomed and don't let a beer spoil something good. Jesus made about 150 gallons of wine in Cana. And that on top of what the guests had already drunk. Loneliness is worse than beer. Be practical. Let the old admirer carry your groceries. You don't have to marry him. Let the boring old lady tell you a boring story. Ask a question - any one. If you're still strong get involved in a charity. You'll get tired and have some not-so-nice experiences, but you will have a sense of achievement.

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap (Gal.6:7)

This verse may, at first, seem out of context. But the principle hold true in all things.

Lastly, there's a 50% chance that this will happen to me. Pray that my advice was in order, otherwise I'm about to learn a lesson the hard way.

 

[BK1110]

Thoughts from a 30-something unmarried man (the complete opposite of those you requested advice from, so take it for whatever it may seem worth! )

I've said before that dad's decades of hard work and frugality have set my mom up well. If she does not get unwisely spendy, she will be well cared for financially the rest of her days. But there have been struggles in day-to-day needs that dad used to handle, work around the house, car repairs, etc. But God has provided. It's amazing how now there always seems to be a stranger in just the right place at just the right time to help get groceries in the car or some such thing.

Give yourself a break and take things one day at a time. Remember that the Bible commands your adult children to look after you in your advanced years; you don't need to be or feel pushy or whiny, but do be honest with them about your problems and issues, and let them reap the earthly growth and heavenly rewards that come from them honoring God's commands to look well after you.

Above all, if you're still alive on this earth, God isn't finished with you yet, whether it be your personal sanctification, or him using you to reach/teach others (probably both, of course). Just start each day asking for his will to be done in and through you, however small or even imperceptible it may be to you. And do ask our Father to bring those people into your path.

 

[Anne2]

On 6/6/2023 at 12:23 PM, debrakay said:

I figure here might be a good place to start.  I have been reading all of the books for the past 8 months since my husband passed way but I would like to hear from some real people who have experienced the death of their spouse.  A Christian forum should have a few people who are looking for fellowship and advice to an adjusting widow.

I will try to make my story as short as possible.  It was my second marriage and it last almost 40 years.  His health was an issue, Rheumatoid Arthritis and then other complications because of all the heavy-duty RA drugs for 50 years.  The last 2 years were the worst, and I did my best to take care of him though I lost my patience regularly when he would not stop drinking beer.  He was still mowing lawns in 2021.  His tolerance for pain was unbelievable and he used beer to numb the pain since the doctors would not give him pain medication because "heaven forbid!" he became a drug addict at age 80.  Don't get me started on the medical industry in the past few years.

In September 2022 he told the Lord "No More!" and the Lord let him come home, peacefully and quietly at home with me at his side.  It was beautiful and it was a blessing.  My strapping handsome 5'11" husband weighing 170 pounds when I married him now was 5'6" tall and weighted 119 pounds.  His body was done. 

Now 8 months later I am trying as best I can to move forward and serve the Lord, my family and friends but every day is a struggle since he is not here to chat with and breathe with.  My kids and grandkids live in other states.  Most everyone in my life close by still work, have their own spouse, have their own family, have their own life so I try to bother them too much.  I am an independent woman and can take care of a lot but honestly every day is difficult in one way or another.  Emotions are a problem, but the grief is not overwhelming as it would be selfish of me to wish him back here in the condition that he was in.  And of course, I am realistic that we cannot turn back the hands of time to when he was healthy and strong.

I guess what I would like to hear about is how you took on all the responsibilities alone after having a helpmate for 4 decades or longer.  Do I simply relax and take each day and each issue as they come?  Do I give myself a break and quit trying to be Superwoman?  How do I adapt to being single when I have not been single for 50 years when my daughter came into my life to take care of?  How do I stop feeling like a third wheel when I am with others?  I love my home and I do try to get out at least a few times a week even if it just a short trip to the grocery store, but being home is my sanctuary.  I don't want to fill my days with go, go, go.  Will it just keep getting easier and easier as the day, months and years pass?  

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.  It's a strange new world for me.

Hi, Debrakay. I just now seen this, sorry for not answering sooner. First, let me say, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of 32 years passed away in 2019. It was a couple of weeks between finding out he had cancer and he was gone. It took me a good three years to just not "feel married" anymore. I really don't know how to explain that, other than to say your daily life is so full of your spouse in marriage. Daily, what to cook for dinner. Running into people at the store or somewhere. Even there it is your spouse the conversation also includes. That was a hard one for me. I began for a short while to write him letters. It helped me some. I so, dreaded those "firsts". First holidays, first event when my first call would be to him (come get this spider). I would call my daughter, because she knew about those firsts (maybe some in your life would not feel bothered?). Sometimes it was comical, sometimes it was something that I knew he couldn't do anything about had he been there to call (at the store when my car alarm would not stop). Just he was there with me.  Being sick, not having him there, was so hard. We took care of each other when we were sick. How would that feel? That feeling was like, I did not know, where he ended and I began.

But now, it has been a while since I felt married. I think everyone has their own time frame for things. I do know that was the hardest thing for me. At least now I don't feel like I am floating in a no man's land. It's just me now with my memories, and grateful to have had a good long marriage. I began to focus on that. Some do not always find that. I did, I became very thankful that I did. 

It will change, things will get better. It is just time passing to get there. P.m me if you need to talk. I will keep you in my prayers.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Anne2

[Keturah 123]

I am sorry for your loss. Know that God sees you right where you are & offers great comfort.❤️

I too have suffered much family loss, sister, 2 brothers, mother, husband & a son & I miss them all everyday.

I can tell you memories have helped me. Memories of love, of fun, family gatherings, events, milestone of life; but the sustaining force in my life has been my Lord.

Grieving is a progress that is individual but is not always alone. He suffers with us for he, himself suffered grief.

Become involved in  grief counseling, bible & prayer groups, reading groups ect; please don't with-draw into yourself by this grief.

With prayers❤️

 

 

[debrakay]

Thank you each for taking some time to respond.  I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.  @Anne2 I know that you know exactly how my emotions and thoughts are right now as I walk this walk.  I am so very blessed that I have a 40 year foundation with Jesus so my house is built solid and will not crash during this storm.  I also know that my husband is saved and is in the arms of our Lord.  It's just learning to be a normal person again and from a single perspective.  Jesus is my Bridegroom now and living for him completely without an earthly man is the new part.  Jesus has not asked me to cook him steak and eggs for breakfast. 

[debrakay]

On 6/8/2023 at 7:29 PM, Keturah 123 said:

I am sorry for your loss. Know that God sees you right where you are & offers great comfort.❤️

I too have suffered much family loss, sister, 2 brothers, mother, husband & a son & I miss them all everyday.

Thank you so much for your kindness and I offer my sympathy for your losses as well especially your husband and son.  I have also lost many others throughout the years but this one has been the hardest.  We had such a wonderful marriage and love for each other.  I have a wonderful support group in my family, friends and community.  I have so many great memories from the 40 years we were together and I was the picture taker. I know it's a new season of life for me and I am trying to be patient while the Lord gets His plans all in order for the rest of my life.  You are right, He sees me and He knows me.  We have been in love for a long time! 

[Anne2]

On 6/8/2023 at 7:29 PM, Keturah 123 said:

I am sorry for your loss. Know that God sees you right where you are & offers great comfort.❤️

I too have suffered much family loss, sister, 2 brothers, mother, husband & a son & I miss them all everyday.

I can tell you memories have helped me. Memories of love, of fun, family gatherings, events, milestone of life; but the sustaining force in my life has been my Lord.

Grieving is a progress that is individual but is not always alone. He suffers with us for he, himself suffered grief.

Become involved in  grief counseling, bible & prayer groups, reading groups ect; please don't with-draw into yourself by this grief.

With prayers❤️

 

 

Those are some hard losses. Sorry you lost your husband as well as your son, sister, brother. Each one a distinct relationship only they bring with them. I am so glad you are blessed with faith. This is a major factor in walking through these things. 

Love & prayers

Anne 2.....