Afraid I can't be fixed and I'm going to fail

[Figure of eighty]

1 hour ago, Marathoner said:

One step at a time, my friend. Do you know what I mean by that?

Only focus upon what it is directly in front of you. The Lord does not expect any more (or less) from us. So, when you wake up to a new day, focus upon what you must do next. Do not project into the unknown, a lesson that the Spirit imparted to me a long time ago while I recovered from brain damage. I had come close to death back then, and I could not bear to continue having lost the ability to speak and to concentrate and think clearly. I begged the Lord to let me die, but He refused to honor my petition. All I could see is my ruin, but the Lord declared otherwise.

He promised that not only would I speak and reason again, but that He would restore what I had lost in a measure far exceeding what I had possessed before. I couldn't see nor fathom it, but the Spirit soothed my soul, telling me to focus only upon the here and now. So, that's what I did. After the span of two years passed, I found myself restored in precisely the manner He promised. How did I exceed what I had possessed before?

The Lord taught me the value of silence, something I didn't have before. Silence in the face of hardship... trial... tribulation... and when it seems that all hope is lost. We overcome this affliction by learning how to live with it, @Figure of eighty. Unless the Lord sees fit to remove it from us --- He hasn't done so for me --- then this is our cross to bear and what makes us His overcomers. No measure of words can express the blessing that awaits those who overcome. 

During a depressive cycle, I suffer from the same thoughts that you do. I know what to do: I endure, I press on, and I let the worst of it wash over me. Is it hard? Yes. Agonizing? Absolutely. However, understand this, that the Lord has grace for you. He knows what we face. Rapid cycling is the worst to be sure, and it sounds like what you've been going through. I've been there... let it wash over you. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream into a pillow. Never give up. 

What happened to you if i may ask? Car accident? But you're right.. I may try meds. I'm feeling better but Idk i need some type of relief. 

[Marathoner]

6 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

What happened to you if i may ask? Car accident?

No. It was a combination of bacterial infections, fungal pneumonia, and long-term starvation. The sicker I became, the less I was able to keep food down. Fungal pneumonia in particular was devastating; it scarred my lungs and calcified the nymph nodes next to my heart. That alone was enough to do me in, but bacterial infections were out of control. Teeth fell out of my mouth (I lost all of them), and I would shiver in 98-degree weather. I was so cold that I had to wear winter clothes to stop from trembling. None of my clothes fit because I was skin and bones. 

6 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

But you're right.. I may try meds. I'm feeling better but Idk i need some type of relief. 

That's the nature of bipolar disorder. Many of us experience normative periods when neither depression nor mania (or in my case, hypomania) tear us apart, so it's all too easy to cruise along until the storm begins all over again. 

That's what I call the living hell we experience: the storm. It's a storm in the brain and when it begins, nothing can stop it until it runs its course. Medication has no effect on me (it's not unheard of), though the side effects of what I take are entirely beneficial. You might remember when I stressed the importance of sleep and healthy eating in maintaining resilience. If you don't, then I'll share what happened when the Lord sent me to a doctor. 

This doctor witnessed how I resist medication to the degree that all I experience are side effects... and so this doctor proved why the Lord sent me to him. During the most dangerous time for me --- the depressive phase --- I lose all interest in food (I never feel hungry), and I suffer from horrible insomnia, staying up for days at a time before I pass out. Therefore, this doctor chose medication that would make me drowsy and hungry. It was brilliant, and it worked. It helps me sleep and keeps me feeling hungry even during the unspeakable depression phase I go through. Rest and meals keep me resilient so that I can stand while the worst washes over me. 

I highly recommend that you take the medication prescribed to you, my friend. The Lord did not give that to you for nothing. 

[Debp]

45 minutes ago, Marathoner said:

You might remember when I stressed the importance of sleep and healthy eating in maintaining resilience.

Yes, sleep deprivation is very harmful to the brain.

@Figure of eighty I hope you are now getting some needed sleep in order to help your brain function better.