Help! Advice on mother-in-law...

[Guest tehotu]

This might by a little lengthy post, so I’m firing off a warning now =). I’ll try to keep it simple, but there are several factors that come into play and I honestly don’t know if they are pertinent to my situation, so guess I’ll just lay all my stuff bare and you guys can pick and choose whatever seems like it might factor into a scriptural solution to my problem.

I’m a 28 year old guy, who got married a little more than 3 years ago. Shortly after my wife and I got married, she asked me if her mother-in-law could stay with us for a while. I agreed because my wife enjoyed the company of her mother when I was away at the fire station for work (24 hour shifts, 10 shifts a month). In all honestly, at the time, I enjoyed my mother-in-law’s company also. The whole agreement wasn’t “specific” in that we never discussed when her mother-in-law would be leaving. In my mind, I figured it was temporary and that it would be determined later when she would be leaving – but nothing was ever explicitly agreed upon. I didn’t expect it to permanent, but only temporary until it seemed like the right time for her to move on. It should be noted that I’ve always envision my house to be home to my immediate family – my wife and our kids.

About a year ago, my wife and I had our first child – a baby boy. By this time, we were asking $150 per month for her just to help out with utilities and the whole mother-in-law living situation kind of grew into a semi-dependence on each other. She depended on us for an inexpensive place to stay and we depended on her (though she wasn’t entirely obligated) for help with babysitting our son.

Now about a month and half ago, my mother-in-law (who has been a Christian for about 4-5 years now), believed she heard the call of God to work on a cruise-line. At this time, her family (including my wife) gave their opinion of the situation. They told her really pray about this decision as they felt it was unwise, being that she has vertigo, she would miss her grandchildren, and that the cruise lines work their employees much harder than anything she had been experiencing (prior to this she only had a part time job). She believed otherwise and it was during this time that I learned more about my mother-in-law’s past. I learned that she was very “flighty”, often leaving on whim for different reasons. In the past, they were worldly reasons, such as just wanting a change, a man, etc. She has left her family and her children with no warning, only to return unannounced down the road. I didn’t realize that her leaving was a one-time thing, but it has been a cycle that her family (my wife included) has had to endure over the years.

She ended up leaving, but the day before she left I wrote her a letter. In the letter I explained to her how I was hurt by her actions. From the time she announced she was leaving to the time she left was a couple of weeks. The result was that we had to scramble to get a babysitter (for when my wife and I both worked). She also owed us $300 at the time of her leaving. I had let her pay us back when it was more convenient for her (her financial priorities where a bit out of order), but she ended up saying she’d pay us back when she got paid (but she quit her job to work this cruise line and inferred that by doing so she no longer would be paying us back). Safe to say, she left us so abruptly it left us scrambling. Even more I made it a point to consider her in all of our “housing” endeavors. By that I meant that we were selling our place, gonna buy land, and build a house. When determining how many rooms the house would have, I always considered her mom to be living with us at the time and us helping her out. So what hurt me even more was that I considered how all our decisions would affect her and tried to include her in them, but then she just ups and leaves without considering how her decision would affect us.

I don’t want to get sidetracked, but that kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I allowed myself to get a little bitter over it. While she was gone, I forgave her since I knew the unforgiveness would only hurt me in this situation, but to be quite honest the bitterness still kind of lingers.

While she was gone, I was able to spend more time in my son’s life. I’ll admit that I was lacking on my responsibilities as a father when my mother-in-law was living with us, since she would change his diapers, soothe him when he cried, feed him, etc. I should’ve stepped up and took responsibility, but if I’m honest, I allowed laziness to set it. I guess I though, man, I ain’t gonna wrestle with my mother-in-law over a dirty diaper. I’m not perfect, but I try always to be “real”. I know I was in the wrong. Anyways, while she has been gone, I’ve had the sole responsibility of taking care of my son while my wife is out at work. We’ve grown together. He cries for me. I’m REALLY his daddy. I’m straight jealous over him as God is over His children. I don’t want him loving anyone (except God) more than me and his mommy (I guess his wife later though). Of course it was harder for me, but I wouldn’t trade it this newfound (or newly accepted) “role” as his father for anything – especially when my mother-in-law returns.

Okay, so here were are. This past Saturday, my mother-in-law decided her work was done on the cruise ship and she quit, got off the ship, and came home. She had reasons for getting off, but none were anything we didn’t already warn her about before she left. It seemed as though she got emotional and used the “God-stamp” to do what she wanted. In this whole thing, she manipulated her way to trying to get people side with her leaving and now she was manipulating her way to get people side with her in returning.

So now, she’s here and my wife and I got into an argument over her coming back home to live with us. Because my wife was quitting her job at the end of August to stay home full time with our son (plus she’s pregnant with our second child due in December), I told her that I think her mom should find another place to stay by end of the month also. My wife got upset (to say the least). She always has wanted to take care of her mother.

I apologize right now, because I’m like ricochet rabbit, bouncing all over with this story, but I hope you guys can follow and lend me some advice…

The main question I have is: IS IT RIGHT FOR ME TO WANT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW NOT TO LIVE WITH US?

My wife is extremely close with her mother and as I said before, she really wants to be able to provide for her and she believes that we can do so with no negative effects to our family. I never wanted her living with us permanently, but now in asking her to leave I feel like total scum. She’s at home now, I just don’t feel comfortable at home. Things feel awkward, maybe because I wrote that letter voicing my opinion and feelings. Maybe because there’s some bitterness left in me. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’ve been taking my son out to the mall often, just because I don’t feel comfortable in my own house. My wife has noticed this and said she feels sad that I’m making her mom feel uncomfortable. This kind of hurts me, because I want her to care about me and the way I feel before her mom, but then am I being selfish? In addition to this, I feel like the total bad guy because my wife is ecstatic that her mom is home and this means my wife can have a break. In truth, I didn’t give her many breaks at all. I’m trying to get better though and less selfish/lazy (gosh, I sound like the total dead beat, huh?). So I feel so bad because by wanting my mother-in-law out, it would mean – that’s right, less breaks for my wife until I get better with my fatherly responsibilities.

My wife and I have a hard time communicating on this issue, so I feel frustrated and alone. She doesn’t like me talking to others about “our” problems (I think she doesn’t want other people to our issues). I’m writing this and asking (anonymously) for advice on a forum because I just feel and need some people to hear me out and give me some Godly counsel.

Am I wrong? Should I allow my mother-in-law to live with us and ask God to help change my way of thinking? What do I do with this awkwardness that now only worsens the living situation. I don’t feel like king in my own castle – even though its only a 2 bedroom condo (yep, it’s kind of tight now for our growing family). Do my feeling matter? I love my wife dearly and am always trying to cater to her needs, but where does my responsibility as head of the household factor into making decisions that she doesn’t agree with? I know she ought to submit, even if I’m wrong, but shoots, I want to do what’s right and I really want her to support me in it, even if it means having her mother-in-law move out.

Gosh, so many factors, some pertinent, some maybe not. I’m asking for some Godly counsel and please, if possible, support your counsel with scripture, because I’d like to know that my decision will be based upon the Word and also prayer.

Thank you all, simply for your time and reading this lengthly post. I especially would appreciate your prayers as I believe they’ll help me out of this valley.

Sincerely,

Anonymous brother-in-Christ

[ayin jade]

The bible tells us to honor our parents. The bible also tells the man to leave his parents and cling to his wife.

That said, I think your wife should have a higher priority on your wishes than her mother. You can honor mom quite well without her moving-in-permanently-until-the-next-whimsy-takes-her-away. Your children need stability. Your focus and your wifes should be on your children, not on her. I think you and your wifes brothers and sisters should work out a plan where all of you help get her set up independently someplace. You are also head of the house. If you do not wish her there, your wife should honor that. (In return, your wife is close to her, honor that desire too by trying to make it so she is nearby, but not in your home.) I think having her there will end up causing far more strife than you should have.

[Leonard]

If she is too impoverished to afford her own place, could you buy (or build) a place with a little 'mother-in-law' set up, like a guest cottage separate from the house?

Look, some people are just jerks, and always will be. They won't be changing, but that doesn't relieve us of responsibility to 'honor your mother and your father.' Your wife needs to learn how to 'leave the home of her youth' does NOT mean she is dishonoring her mother.

[buckthesystem]

Sure, you should "honour your parents" but that doesn't mean living with them always. I have come to believe that there should always be at least 100 miles between a family and the "in-laws". There is always friction there, and the "mother-in-law" joke has reached cliche status, but there is a reason for this.

I have also found that real problems start when your kids reach teenage years. I realise that it is a long way away for you right now, but the way it is going your Mother in law will still be there when both children are older.

20 years ago my own Mother-in-law told me a story about her "having a special relationship with her grandmother" and going to her grandmother to tell her how much her own mother picked on her (even though my mother-in-law's own sister says that this story is erroneous) and my mother-in-law said to me "when your daughter is grown it will be just the same". Now she is trying very hard to make it come true, and taking advantage of the fact that my daughter is of an age where she is vulnerable to manipulation, and I am wary of this every time my daughter wants to go and visit her.

I hesitate to tell you to "keep your distance" when you obviously get along well with your mother-in-law, but you must always put your own immediate family first.

Is your mother-in-law in a position to get her own house?

[godrulz]

The bible tells us to honor our parents. The bible also tells the man to leave his parents and cling to his wife.

That said, I think your wife should have a higher priority on your wishes than her mother. You can honor mom quite well without her moving-in-permanently-until-the-next-whimsy-takes-her-away. Your children need stability. Your focus and your wifes should be on your children, not on her. I think you and your wifes brothers and sisters should work out a plan where all of you help get her set up independently someplace. You are also head of the house. If you do not wish her there, your wife should honor that. (In return, your wife is close to her, honor that desire too by trying to make it so she is nearby, but not in your home.) I think having her there will end up causing far more strife than you should have.

I skimmed the opening post. The above quote is the gist of what I was thinking: leave and cleave first; honor second...both/and vs either/or, but the marriage now takes precedent over guilt to have mom stay and create problems.

[billie]

Yes, spouse must come first.

[sierra21]

Well...this does seem very complicated which is why before I even typed a word I prayed. What I think is that you need to look after your children first. While I do think that grandparents are important in a childs life, it should kind of be at a -distance? I know that sounds weird, but grandparents are meant to be the ones who take the kids out for funtimes, spoil tme, and the time with their grandparents is highly sought after. And the reason for that is because they DON'T GET TO SEE THEM ALL THE TIME.

If your grandmother was sick or disabled, then I would say for sure she should live with you. But it sounds as if the only problem is that she is financially unstable- quick fix? SHE SHOULD GET A JOB LIKE THE REST OF US! Its not your responsibility to provide financially for your in-law. She is an adult, if she chooses to make poor financial and business choices, that isn't your fault.

You and your wife need to sit down and seriously discuss these matters. Ultimately I think she is driven by emotions, not logic. If you can LOGICALLY discuss this issue I think she may come around. And if she doesn't- youre going to have to put your foot down. If that means that it creates issues between the two of you (which it sounds like there already is)- invest in some marital counseling. In the end, your decision needs to be unified...even if your wife isn't entirely happy with it.

Finally, invest in some much needed time with Father God. He's there for you right now, and you need to give up these feelings of anger and bitterness and seek his good knowledge. God knows exactly what you need to do right now...you just have to listen. I'm praying for you and your family.

Sierra

[tah]

I really don't have any advice just compassion...

I do Pray God move on your behalf and bring about the best for all...

I have only been involved in one instance where a woman had to be with her mom more than her husband and God worked it out where she is now with her husband...

Praise God...He can work it out...