Divorce support thread

[RCruise]

I'm new to this site, and I found this thread interesting for many personal reasons. I do have a question though. I am a Christian, I have been for the majority of my young life (I'm 24). Here is my question.

I see that you have said that Jesus Himself gave only one allowable reason for divorce and that being fornincation/adultery and none other.

I'm guessing, that by saying this, you believe that a woman should stay with her husband if he mentally, emotionally and physically abuses her then? Do you really believe that God would want someone to endure that kind of pain for the rest of her life? What if she tried counselling, tried getting him to go to counselling and all he did was tell her it was her own F***ing problem and there was nothing wrong with him? What if it was physically harming her health? Do you really believe that because they get divorced, God will never bless her in another marriage?

I don't want to sound harsh or like I am provoking a fight here, I am just really curious. I read this post a couple of nights ago and this question is really plaguing me. Any insight to this would be wonderful. Thanks!

alwayswishing42

Dear alwayswishing,

first, is this a scenario or something that actually happened to you? I guess one must ask yourself whether it is more important to follow Christ or man to begin with. Of course I never recommend any woman stay in a physically abusive home. NEVER! I Always recommend getting away from such and finding a safe haven. And, I have put myself between the bully and spouse before and would do it again. Never been hit so far thanks to Jesus and His Holy Spirit. Praise God!

And I am not so righteous to believe it is because of my size (6'2" 265lbs) or because I am a preacher. I have seen these violent men blast away at cops my size and bigger with no respect or regard for anything. No, it is the Holy Ghost stepping in as I pray.

But, I will always counsel against Divorce except for adultery and, even then, I have seen marriages where adultery was, come back together totally healed and a new person (man) by Jesus Christ where the adultering man was before.

The problem with "church" today and many preachers is they try to step into God's place ... a place Jesus reserve's only for Himself.... when counseling married couples. And they end up making it worse. At least in the Lord's eyes. Without explicitly following the Word (of which Jesus is), they subjugate His Power with their own will. I am a Holy Spirit filled led of the Holy Ghost preacher. Never will I believe any "spirit(s)" pretending to be God or that "sound good" or "solid" when it dives outside the Direct and Absolute Word of God. And few men in the ministry follow that today.

As for verbal abuse, I don't believe in it. It is a tag that has come along only in the latter half of the twentieth century. Jesus as well as every True Christian since Him have endured that and worse. What is words? NOTHING. They called Jesus the "prince of the devils" ; "Beelzebub" to be exact. And Jesus said if they called Him that how much worse will they treat His servants.

I believe if a person, man or woman, who is locked into Jesus Christ solidly as He so commands us to be and to walk daily, no amount of "words" or "emotional/verbal abuse" can affect us one iota.

God Bless

Pastor Ron Cruise

Jesus Walk Ministries

[Guest alwayswishing42]

I'm new to this site, and I found this thread interesting for many personal reasons. I do have a question though. I am a Christian, I have been for the majority of my young life (I'm 24). Here is my question.

I see that you have said that Jesus Himself gave only one allowable reason for divorce and that being fornincation/adultery and none other.

I'm guessing, that by saying this, you believe that a woman should stay with her husband if he mentally, emotionally and physically abuses her then? Do you really believe that God would want someone to endure that kind of pain for the rest of her life? What if she tried counselling, tried getting him to go to counselling and all he did was tell her it was her own F***ing problem and there was nothing wrong with him? What if it was physically harming her health? Do you really believe that because they get divorced, God will never bless her in another marriage?

I don't want to sound harsh or like I am provoking a fight here, I am just really curious. I read this post a couple of nights ago and this question is really plaguing me. Any insight to this would be wonderful. Thanks!

alwayswishing42

Dear alwayswishing,

first, is this a scenario or something that actually happened to you? I guess one must ask yourself whether it is more important to follow Christ or man to begin with. Of course I never recommend any woman stay in a physically abusive home. NEVER! I Always recommend getting away from such and finding a safe haven. And, I have put myself between the bully and spouse before and would do it again. Never been hit so far thanks to Jesus and His Holy Spirit. Praise God!

And I am not so righteous to believe it is because of my size (6'2" 265lbs) or because I am a preacher. I have seen these violent men blast away at cops my size and bigger with no respect or regard for anything. No, it is the Holy Ghost stepping in as I pray.

But, I will always counsel against Divorce except for adultery and, even then, I have seen marriages where adultery was, come back together totally healed and a new person (man) by Jesus Christ where the adultering man was before.

The problem with "church" today and many preachers is they try to step into God's place ... a place Jesus reserve's only for Himself.... when counseling married couples. And they end up making it worse. At least in the Lord's eyes. Without explicitly following the Word (of which Jesus is), they subjugate His Power with their own will. I am a Holy Spirit filled led of the Holy Ghost preacher. Never will I believe any "spirit(s)" pretending to be God or that "sound good" or "solid" when it dives outside the Direct and Absolute Word of God. And few men in the ministry follow that today.

As for verbal abuse, I don't believe in it. It is a tag that has come along only in the latter half of the twentieth century. Jesus as well as every True Christian since Him have endured that and worse. What is words? NOTHING. They called Jesus the "prince of the devils" ; "Beelzebub" to be exact. And Jesus said if they called Him that how much worse will they treat His servants.

I believe if a person, man or woman, who is locked into Jesus Christ solidly as He so commands us to be and to walk daily, no amount of "words" or "emotional/verbal abuse" can affect us one iota.

God Bless

Pastor Ron Cruise

Jesus Walk Ministries

Thank you for your insight Mr. Cruise. This is about me. But there is more to it than just physical abuse. That was the main reason for our divorce, but he was also interested in 15 year old girls. Emailing them constantly, telling them he loved them, he couldn't wait to see them and such. I have no proof that there was a physical relationship with any of them, but after the divorce, about a month later or so, he had moved across the country to live with his girlfriend. They are now engaged. I just have a hard time believing that God would have wanted me to stay in this situation. What kind of relationship do you have when the trust is gone? Isn't having that kind of communication with another girl/woman a form of adultry? I will admit that my relationship with Christ was not very strong at the time, and it has grown stronger in the past 6 months. I am healing, as this happend to me a year and a half ago.

[RGR]

Isn't having that kind of communication with another girl/woman a form of adultry?

Yes, it is. Jesus said that if a man even looked at a woman w/ the thought, he was guilty of fornication, so yes, it is adultery.

[OneLight]

Going through this is so much harder than I would have imagined. Here I am waiting on the papers to come in the mail for our separation. (In Minnesota I guess you have to be separated first) But anyhow, my husband has completely cut me out of his life. There is no way that I can get a hold of him. I cry at the oddest times and then can't stop. I am filled with so many emotions right now. I am angry, hurt, sad, confused, in shock. I just want the pain to be gone and all of this to be over with so I can get on with my life.

Sister, you do not have to wait for your husband to act to get on with your life. Start now! Seek the guidance of His Spirit and His leading as to where you are to go from here. The mail will come, and the day will come and go, but this should never be the reason not to seek what He has for you at this moment. If you turn it all over to Him, and not take it back, He will give you the peace you seek. Put all this aside and know that He will lead you in His love. Remember, when we have our eyes on Him, then his fruits will flourish in us. When we take our eyes off of Him, then our flesh will flourish.

I understand how this is hard, for I have been through two divorces in the past and my present wife is starting another. The first was easy on me, for I was just a kid and there was no love at all. The second dragged on for years, because I did not want to let go and she did not want to file for I had the kids. Yet, during these two, I was not following God. This one is harder on me, for I am now following the Lord and will not file myself. I don't want this marriage to end either, but if it be because my wife no longer loves me, there is nothing that I can do but to give it to God and move on.

I encourage you strongly to seek His will for you now, not later, and leave your broken heart at the cross.

In His Love,

Alan

[RedeemedByHim]

Going through this is so much harder than I would have imagined. Here I am waiting on the papers to come in the mail for our separation. (In Minnesota I guess you have to be separated first) But anyhow, my husband has completely cut me out of his life. There is no way that I can get a hold of him. I cry at the oddest times and then can't stop. I am filled with so many emotions right now. I am angry, hurt, sad, confused, in shock. I just want the pain to be gone and all of this to be over with so I can get on with my life.

Sister, you do not have to wait for your husband to act to get on with your life. Start now! Seek the guidance of His Spirit and His leading as to where you are to go from here. The mail will come, and the day will come and go, but this should never be the reason not to seek what He has for you at this moment. If you turn it all over to Him, and not take it back, He will give you the peace you seek. Put all this aside and know that He will lead you in His love. Remember, when we have our eyes on Him, then his fruits will flourish in us. When we take our eyes off of Him, then our flesh will flourish.

I understand how this is hard, for I have been through two divorces in the past and my present wife is starting another. The first was easy on me, for I was just a kid and there was no love at all. The second dragged on for years, because I did not want to let go and she did not want to file for I had the kids. Yet, during these two, I was not following God. This one is harder on me, for I am now following the Lord and will not file myself. I don't want this marriage to end either, but if it be because my wife no longer loves me, there is nothing that I can do but to give it to God and move on.

I encourage you strongly to seek His will for you now, not later, and leave your broken heart at the cross.

In His Love,

Alan

Thanks...I just got really down last night and that post was in a desperate cry for help. I did not marry for love, but at the same time, I was willing to make my marriage work. Yesterday was just an especially difficult day.

[anitarose]

I have days that are very difficult....the problem is, now my ex and I have become "friends"....yes the marriage is definitely over, but we have become friends. I can't condone his lifestyle, but I can be a friend with him. If anything, it makes the dog happy....

Anita

[jewels4jb]

I have days that are very difficult....the problem is, now my ex and I have become "friends"....yes the marriage is definitely over, but we have become friends. I can't condone his lifestyle, but I can be a friend with him. If anything, it makes the dog happy....

Anita

that is hilarious, anita! thanks 4 the reminder that you dont have to necessarily pretend your ex is dead or fell off the earth and avoid them......we can actually be friends.

[cherishedfaith]

Not sure where to start or even if i am putting this in the right forum....but a friend from worthyboards has been talking with me in private off and on for a few months and she referred me to this topic. i stay behind the scenes ALOT *lol* but alot of the reason is because of "shame" and i will try to briefly explain why i have this shame.

I will have been married a year in April. To briefly describe my ummm ordeal, let me first state that my husband and myself dated for over a year and he led me believe he was a Christian man. Now i am not judging or stating that he is not, i just know the Word states "you shall know them by their fruit". And in the beginning, i had no reason to doubt he was not a christian.

It all started around the second month of our marriage. i noticed he was spending way too friviously and he was borrowing thousands of dollars off of his mother that he could not account for. when i questioned him regarding all of this, he would become very defensive and never really give me an answer. As time went on, he began to drink. Now my personal conviction on this matter is that a glass of wine with supper from time to time is fine, but when you allow that alcohol to take over to the point where you spend your last bit of money on liquor instead of bills etc, and you cannot go a night without it, then you have allowed it to become your God of sorts. Anyways, his drinking was nightly and caused many problems for months until he agreed only to drink on weekends. Which was not very reassuring to me at this point, but i placed my faith in God and prayed that He would work all of this out.

As time went on, more money was being spent, bills was going unpaid and to make a long story short, a few months ago, he withdrew our rent money out of our account and blew it in one day. we are talking almost $800 dollars. i knew something was definetely not right and by the grace of God, the Lord revealed to me that this money was spent on drugs. Even before my husband admitted to it on his own, the Lord spoke to my heart and i just knew then what was going on.

After making him leave due to the fact not only did he ruin us financially, drove us into major debt within months, but i have children that come around him and that really scared me to the point that i was now looking at a man that i did not recognize.

Just last night, he came home from work and his tongue kept falling from his lips and hanging out and his eyes began to twitch uncontrollably and his face was contorted in ways i just cannot even begin to describe other than saying i did not recognize my husband. It was as if i was looking at satan. *sigh* i really hate saying that, but its true. i knew satan had taken him over with the drugs and after prying and questioning to find out what kind of drug he was on......he admitted to crack/cocaine. Which was a major problem for him several years before we even met, but he went through drug court, graduated with honors and even spoke at several meetings afterwards. But here i was last night.....staring into the face of a man that was unrecognizeable. A man i no longer had any trust whatsoever for, and the hurt was just so overwhelming that i just could not hardly keep myself composed. He soon admitted he had used his mom's credit card and told me to call her and have her come over. (this was the drug talking, not my husband cause my husband would never have wanted for her to see him like this).

She came over and after several attempts of her asking how much he spent, he admitted to it and showed not one sign of remorse. His face and eyes was going through such an ordeal from the drug, that i don't think he even realized it was doing so, Even though his mom and myself tried to tell him.

Soooooooo in the last 11 months, i have watched a man that i love turn into a thief, drug addict, alcoholic and manipulator/liar. He has ruined his mom financially and has no remorse for anything he has done to her or me.

Now my question is this: When Paul adressed the church and stated that they was putting other things before God and therefore was committing an act of adultrey because they was putting something else (SIN) before God. I wonder if my husband has done the same by putting his drug before me. Yes, i know its the "addiction" or whatever you may say it is, but in essence, he has commited adultrey on me, just not a "Sexual" affair, but to me, anything you put before your spouse that damages your relationship to this degree, cannot be a good thing.

i know i may have opened a can of worms, this is NOT my intent. My intent here to explain the shame that has come along with this whole mess. my life has been turned upside down. i have gave him chance after chance to seek help for his addiction and for us to go to marriage counseling. he will promise to do so but only until he can get back into our place long enough to steal more money etc and get his next fix *sigh* i feel so ashamed and used. i feel angry and hurt and betrayed. All of the emotions that come with finding out your husband has cheated......only this is not something i can compete with nor would i want too at this point.

He has ripped away every ounce of trust i have for him, he has lied, manipulated and stolen from both his mom and myself. He is in denial. He does not want help. I have prayed and prayed and the more i pray, it gets even worse and yes, i know satan works overtime when there's a chance that my husband would be influenced by my witnessing to him and my prayers that go up.

i am moving into a small one bedroom apt within 4 days because where my husband has run off with our rent previously, i cannot trust him to help me with our bills now. Honestly, i want him out of my life. He still has my prayers and i DO pray the Lord and Holy Spirit deals with him and he becomes a true believer one day. But right now, i cannot live with him or condone his actions or even sleep with him for that matter, because when i look at him now, i see that contorted face that i saw last night and i don't forsee that going away anything soon or the trust for him coming back.

i want a divorce. *sigh* Not because i don't love him. There is still some love left after all of this, but the Word commands us to forgive...which i can't do while he is with me cause he's constantly lying, stealing or manipulation to get his next fix. But as i was saying, the Word commands us to forgive and i will, but the Word never commands us to "trust". i trust the Lord, but i will never trust my husband again and we all know that once that is gone, well........

yes, i am ashamed.....i feel like i was used and emotionally beaten for 11 months and now i just seek true peace and escape from this hell that this man has inflicted on me.

*drifts back to the shadows for now*

Robin

[MorningGlory]

Not sure where to start or even if i am putting this in the right forum....but a friend from worthyboards has been talking with me in private off and on for a few months and she referred me to this topic. i stay behind the scenes ALOT *lol* but alot of the reason is because of "shame" and i will try to briefly explain why i have this shame.

I will have been married a year in April. To briefly describe my ummm ordeal, let me first state that my husband and myself dated for over a year and he led me believe he was a Christian man. Now i am not judging or stating that he is not, i just know the Word states "you shall know them by their fruit". And in the beginning, i had no reason to doubt he was not a christian.

It all started around the second month of our marriage. i noticed he was spending way too friviously and he was borrowing thousands of dollars off of his mother that he could not account for. when i questioned him regarding all of this, he would become very defensive and never really give me an answer. As time went on, he began to drink. Now my personal conviction on this matter is that a glass of wine with supper from time to time is fine, but when you allow that alcohol to take over to the point where you spend your last bit of money on liquor instead of bills etc, and you cannot go a night without it, then you have allowed it to become your God of sorts. Anyways, his drinking was nightly and caused many problems for months until he agreed only to drink on weekends. Which was not very reassuring to me at this point, but i placed my faith in God and prayed that He would work all of this out.

As time went on, more money was being spent, bills was going unpaid and to make a long story short, a few months ago, he withdrew our rent money out of our account and blew it in one day. we are talking almost $800 dollars. i knew something was definetely not right and by the grace of God, the Lord revealed to me that this money was spent on drugs. Even before my husband admitted to it on his own, the Lord spoke to my heart and i just knew then what was going on.

After making him leave due to the fact not only did he ruin us financially, drove us into major debt within months, but i have children that come around him and that really scared me to the point that i was now looking at a man that i did not recognize.

Just last night, he came home from work and his tongue kept falling from his lips and hanging out and his eyes began to twitch uncontrollably and his face was contorted in ways i just cannot even begin to describe other than saying i did not recognize my husband. It was as if i was looking at satan. *sigh* i really hate saying that, but its true. i knew satan had taken him over with the drugs and after prying and questioning to find out what kind of drug he was on......he admitted to crack/cocaine. Which was a major problem for him several years before we even met, but he went through drug court, graduated with honors and even spoke at several meetings afterwards. But here i was last night.....staring into the face of a man that was unrecognizeable. A man i no longer had any trust whatsoever for, and the hurt was just so overwhelming that i just could not hardly keep myself composed. He soon admitted he had used his mom's credit card and told me to call her and have her come over. (this was the drug talking, not my husband cause my husband would never have wanted for her to see him like this).

She came over and after several attempts of her asking how much he spent, he admitted to it and showed not one sign of remorse. His face and eyes was going through such an ordeal from the drug, that i don't think he even realized it was doing so, Even though his mom and myself tried to tell him.

Soooooooo in the last 11 months, i have watched a man that i love turn into a thief, drug addict, alcoholic and manipulator/liar. He has ruined his mom financially and has no remorse for anything he has done to her or me.

Now my question is this: When Paul adressed the church and stated that they was putting other things before God and therefore was committing an act of adultrey because they was putting something else (SIN) before God. I wonder if my husband has done the same by putting his drug before me. Yes, i know its the "addiction" or whatever you may say it is, but in essence, he has commited adultrey on me, just not a "Sexual" affair, but to me, anything you put before your spouse that damages your relationship to this degree, cannot be a good thing.

i know i may have opened a can of worms, this is NOT my intent. My intent here to explain the shame that has come along with this whole mess. my life has been turned upside down. i have gave him chance after chance to seek help for his addiction and for us to go to marriage counseling. he will promise to do so but only until he can get back into our place long enough to steal more money etc and get his next fix *sigh* i feel so ashamed and used. i feel angry and hurt and betrayed. All of the emotions that come with finding out your husband has cheated......only this is not something i can compete with nor would i want too at this point.

He has ripped away every ounce of trust i have for him, he has lied, manipulated and stolen from both his mom and myself. He is in denial. He does not want help. I have prayed and prayed and the more i pray, it gets even worse and yes, i know satan works overtime when there's a chance that my husband would be influenced by my witnessing to him and my prayers that go up.

i am moving into a small one bedroom apt within 4 days because where my husband has run off with our rent previously, i cannot trust him to help me with our bills now. Honestly, i want him out of my life. He still has my prayers and i DO pray the Lord and Holy Spirit deals with him and he becomes a true believer one day. But right now, i cannot live with him or condone his actions or even sleep with him for that matter, because when i look at him now, i see that contorted face that i saw last night and i don't forsee that going away anything soon or the trust for him coming back.

i want a divorce. *sigh* Not because i don't love him. There is still some love left after all of this, but the Word commands us to forgive...which i can't do while he is with me cause he's constantly lying, stealing or manipulation to get his next fix. But as i was saying, the Word commands us to forgive and i will, but the Word never commands us to "trust". i trust the Lord, but i will never trust my husband again and we all know that once that is gone, well........

yes, i am ashamed.....i feel like i was used and emotionally beaten for 11 months and now i just seek true peace and escape from this hell that this man has inflicted on me.

*drifts back to the shadows for now*

Robin

You have nothing to be ashamed of, Robin. You tried very hard to have a marriage but it takes two people to do that. Once a person becomes addicted to drugs, satan has him firmly in his grasp. Continue to pray for your husband but you have to remove yourself, and your childen, from this influence. Hold your head up, sister, and don't blame yourself for another's failings. I will pray for your heart to be mended and for God to show you the way. I am so glad you posted here.

[anitarose]

I have days that are very difficult....the problem is, now my ex and I have become "friends"....yes the marriage is definitely over, but we have become friends. I can't condone his lifestyle, but I can be a friend with him. If anything, it makes the dog happy....

Anita

that is hilarious, anita! thanks 4 the reminder that you dont have to necessarily pretend your ex is dead or fell off the earth and avoid them......we can actually be friends.

Glad you liked it....I have been witnessing to him, but he has his own ideas about Christianity and being a Christian that are diametrically opposed to my ideas....so it's been difficult....but yeah, we're still friends. In fact, he bought me a microwave for my new apartment the other day....but the tradeoff is that I have to pay the total phone bill rather than only pay 1/2 of it.

He's not a bad person, I just can't condone his lifestyle, that's all....

Anita