Hospitality? Need advice

[DarkNebulaWelder]

Hey, you guys;

I'm hoping that this post generates some good, sound advice.

I have a close friend who has been staying, along with her husband and 2 children, with me in my 1-bedroom apartment for almost 2 months now.

They moved in because they had been evicted from their apartment, and they had no place to go. He is not working, and she is only working part-time, so they have very little money. I didn't want them staying in a motel, so I told them that they could stay with me for a couple of weeks until they find a place.

I was trying to exercise hospitality, and love, because she has been my friend for years, and I love her like a sister. She let me stay with her and her family for about 2 months after I escaped from my abusive boyfriend a year ago, so I figured that it was the least I could do.

Anyhow, it's been almost 2 months, and they are still here. It's getting to the point now where I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore. The husband isn't looking for a job, and she had to quit working due to her hand. She seems to be mobile enough to start working again, but she keeps saying that she has to wait another 3 weeks.

Anyhow, about 4 weeks ago, she told me that she had found a place, and would be moving. Then, a week later, she told me that the plumbing in the complex had to be re-done, and it would be another week. Then, the following week, she said that the manager called, and said that it would be another 2 weeks. This seemed highly unlikely to me that an apartment complex would take this long to get them in, especially after she supposedly paid them the first month's rent.

I really don't know whether she's being honest, or if she's just trying to milk the situation in order to keep a roof over her family's head. I understand that she would want to do that, but I'm just starting to really have problems with the living situation....especially since her husband's not working, and doesn't even seem desirous of finding a job.

I told her a couple of weeks ago that, if they were to stay here longer, that he would HAVE to go to Labor Ready, and she told me that she had to wait until she could take him to get an ID, because he lost his. Well, she still hasn't done that, and he is still sitting around all say.

I understand that it's easy to get in a rut after you haven't worked in a while, and I am trying to be understanding of that, but there also comes a time when you have to force yourself to go out there and get back in the game. Right now, he lacks the motivation.

The other thing that concerns me is the fact that they are both habitual pot smokers. I have been allowing it to go on, just because they are going through some hard times, and I know what it was like when I was homeless. The thing of it is, though, that I am trying to get closer to God, and obey Him, and this constant exposure to marijuana is such a temptation for me. I admit, I have given in to the temptation a few times, but I could sense that it grieved the Lord, and it (temporarily) hurt my relationship with Him.

I have prayed His forgiveness, and have resolved NOT to engage in this again, and He has helped me......BUT, the temptation is still there.

The thing is, though, I have been trying to witness to them. I have been taking her children to church with me, and have been exposing them to Christ....an exposure that they more than likely would NOT be getting if they weren't living here. I'm also getting frustrated, because I want to start fasting and really seeking God, and it's difficult within a home so cramped and full of chaos. If they were trying to get back on their feet, I wouldn't mind so much, but it just doesn't seem like any attempt is being made on their part.

I have been praying for the Lord's patience and love, because I don't want to see them homeless....BUT, I find myself becoming increasingly irritated with them, and I am REALLY having to pray for self-control. I am getting more and more frustrated with the situation. I have also started to become pretty depressed, and I'm wondering if it's a subconscius reaction to the situation.

Not only that, but my electric bill has doubled since they've been here, and I don't know if I can afford to keep this up. She assured me that she would give me $$$ to help with it, but that won't be for 2 more weeks.

I really want to do what God requires of me here, but I'm getting to the point now where I just don't know anymore.

So, then, how does one know where to draw the line when it comes to hospitality? I am really trying my best to be an example of Christ's love to them, because I want her and her family to start walking with the Lord, too, but the situation is really starting to get to me.

I need a quiet place to seek the Lord, and I want to fast, but this situation just seems never-ending.

Is this a trial from the Lord....does He want me to allow them more time so that He may do a work in their lives, or is this just a bad decision on my part?

This place doesn't even feel like home anymore.

[Iryssa]

You want my honest opinon? I think you've officially passed the point of hospitality into the realm of enabling. It's time to give them a deadline, and then stick to it.

[Scarletprayers]

Okay honey, tough love time!

1) NO, absolutely, positively no pot smoking in my home!

2) If you can afford pot, you can afford to find a place to live, that junk is not cheap!

3) Take me with you to talk to the Manager of your new apartment, (and don't take no for an answer)

4) Dude its tough, and sometimes you get depressed after loosing a job, but you've got a family to support, start supporting!

5) If I'm the only one in the house thats working, I better not have to lift one finger when I get home to do housework.

6) (this ones from me to you) I'm praying for you, after awhile your not helping someone, your enabling them, no matter how much you love them, stop it!

[KeilanS]

I think you should tell them how you feel. It's not fair for them to take advantage of you. Tell them they have to help pay the bills if they are in your house. You should also stop allowing them to smoke pot right away, that isn't good for you. Tell them if they want to smoke, they need to find somewhere away from your house to do it (and I don't mean right outside either, you don't need some toxic cloud on your doorstep).

Make sure they are making a serious attempt to find work, and if they continue staying with you then it is your right to start charging them rent and utilities. You have been very kind, and it isn't fair for them to use you just so they don't have to work.

[ladypeartree]

It can be so very hard when there are children involved...my daughter and her husband came to stay with their two children for two weeks..four tops. After 22 months I gave them a get out by date ...they now have their own home and we have a good relationship which we would NOT have had if they had continued to live with me and I have a very large 3 bedroomed house so how you are managing in a one bed appartment I have no idea

I have to agree with what Scarlet has told you ...and I will be praying for you as well because whatever you do it is going to be hard

[MorningGlory]

You want my honest opinon? I think you've officially passed the point of hospitality into the realm of enabling. It's time to give them a deadline, and then stick to it.

I agree. It's wonderful to help your friends and I commend you for it, DNW, but you've gone above and beyond at this point. Five people in a one bedroom apartment??? There are some who will take advantage of kindness and as for allowing pot smoking in your home (what about the kids?) that does nothing for your obvious desire to grow in your faith. It's been my experience that the people we surround ourselves with can have a negative impact our efforts to walk in His footsteps. It's not unreasonable, or unChristian, to expect adults to work and pay their own way. I will pray for a good resolution to this.

[kat8585]

Everyone has given you good advice. They should understand that you can't afford to support 4 more people. You have to not just tell them, you have to follow thru and refuse to back down. Especially the pot. that definitely has to go. If they would get mad at you for this, they aren't very good friends. Aren't there helping places where you live? If nothing else, you will have to take them to a homeless shelter.

Look back on when you were homeless. What would you have thought of someone who would have let you walk on them like they are doing to you? You are being a door mat.

Scarlet is right, time for tough love, or you will all be homeless.

[DarkNebulaWelder]

Thanks so much for all of your advice, everyone.

Truthfully, a lot of the comments were what I was expecting to hear. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being selfish, or doing something which would be contrary to God's formula for friendship.

I will continue to pray, for God to give me strength. He knows that I am very non-confrontational, anmd have little backbone when it comes to this stuff.

Perhaps this is His way of teaching me how to be bold.

Either way, I want to do something quick, before the situation becomes completely angst-ridden.

Does giving them 2 more weeks sound fair?

After all, that's when she said that her apartment would be ready.

I will also start looking for housing for them, so that if the apartement falls through again, I can just say "Oh, well I found a place for you guys to stay until it's ready."

[kat8585]

That sounds good. Just don't let them have another day, then another, etc.

[Guest LadyC]

get them out.

if you want to be nice, now is the time to say "you have two weeks to find a new place to live. get a job and make it happen." if you DON'T do this now, you'll end up being not so nice one day when they push you beyond your limit, and you'll tell them they have two minutes instead of two weeks. you're at the snapping point already. a deadline might help take some of the pressure off of you because you'll see light at the end of the tunnel.

and like scarlet said... if they can afford pot, they can afford rent.

question: is there a bus system where you live? or do you live close enough to town that the husband could be walking or riding a bike to work? (and to the DMV to get an i.d.?)

i have a few more questions... are they contributing towards groceries? toilet paper? that sort of thing? they need to be on food stamps. you need to be compensated in some way, and if they aren't working, they'd better be keeping your place spotless and doing all the housework. are they doing that sort of thing?

in the meantime, tell them no more drugs come in the house because it's causing you to stumble. tell them if you smell it, or see it, including paraphenalia in your home from this point forward, you will have the locks changed on the doors and set their belongings on the sidewalk.

also, tell them both that they are to be out looking for a job every day until they are out. if you have to, change the locks and don't give them a key.

if you don't put your foot down now, there won't be any friendship left to salvage later.