the broken rose

[mizzdy]

I am so sorry that you and your children must go through these awful times. I don't have any answers for you other than I will pray for you and your children. I pray that God surrounds you and your children with His love, that He will give you the strength and comfort you despartely need at this time in your life. I pray that your church elders eyes are opened to your families need and they come to your aide through His love.

[IslandRose]

Okay. . . .so I've been married almost 12 years and have endured abuse pretty much most of those. It only got physical twice, but I have endured severe physical, emotional abuse. There is no rhyme or reason, it's like living in a mine field and I would pray that I wouldn't step on a mine. After my step-mother witnessed the abuse back in March, she called the police. He assaulted both police officers and was arrested. He has been fired or quit from numerous jobs because of his rage and substance abuse. I am now going through a divorce because he is not changing. We have 2 special needs children that require my full time care. He stopped supporting us financially last month and when I asked him how he expected me to keep a roof over their heads, his reply was "If you can't keep a roof over their head, they can come live w/me, I have a roof." I struggled w the decision to get a div because I know it's best for children to live w/both parents, but I'm not going to teach them that abuse is okay, furthermore, I've had enough.

This is what has made the whole thing worse. When my husband was arrested, 3 leaders at my church provided and paid for an attorney for his defense. He was provided an attorney overnight by one of the elders at my church. Talking w/one of them is like going on trial because he questions everything I say. Everyone at church asks me what I did to contribute to the situation. And when I finally got the nerve to ask for financial assistance (I've always worked and made my own way b4 having children, paid my bills on time) they are not going to help. It's been 2 1/2 wks since I asked and Thursday, a friend from church called (I haven't been back since) to say that they actually hadn't said no, the elders just want more info. No elder has contacted me to let me know that. I don't understand how a man who is known for his anger and substance abuse gets support and understanding from the church, but the abused wife w/2 special needs children has to be put on "trial" in order to help her with the mortgage and utilities. I love this church. I have attended there for 15 years and there are many good people in it who have helped me in the past. But now I am so disillusioned. . . I can't go back without feeling like being victimized all over again. I'm not being petulant. And when people call me, I don't have the energy to explain to them the nature of an abusive person. They can't hear me. Please HELP!

I'm sorry that your church is not coming through for you. Have you contacted a women's shelter? I know there are some government aids for displaced housewives and other help. The church should be doing these things, but fortunately government agencies do help. Contact a Social Services office and see what is available for you. My daughter has a special needs baby, and for a long while they tried to keep up with her needs on their own. Finally they have realized that they have been paying for these government agencies for years through their taxes, and there is no reason not to accept help now.

I'll be praying for you. Seek out the help you need.

[Guest cindyjl]

I'm sorry that your church is not coming through for you. Have you contacted a women's shelter? I know there are some government aids for displaced housewives and other help. The church should be doing these things, but fortunately government agencies do help. Contact a Social Services office and see what is available for you. My daughter has a special needs baby, and for a long while they tried to keep up with her needs on their own. Finally they have realized that they have been paying for these government agencies for years through their taxes, and there is no reason not to accept help now.

I'll be praying for you. Seek out the help you need.

[ladypeartree]

You need to stop trying to justify yourself and time to grieve and you may not be able to get this all at the right time but it will come

You say you are ok till August but it is now when you do not have added pressure ( as if you dont have enough ) that you need to get finances sorted . Dont make the mistake of leaving it till you dont have enough to pay for the main bills and food etc these things take time to set up so start to do it now.

This may not be the right place to ask for advice and I am sure one of the mods will move it soon so watch out for where it goes.

Just remeber that a lot of us here have been through very similar things and we are here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on and we are here to pray for you

[Guest Aussielady]

I wanted to leave this for the chrisitans that are going through abuse

either verbal , physical or mental , in 1998 i was a victim of domestic violence and for 16 years before that time i was led to believe i could change my husband

i figured i was a good Chrisitian faithfull wife and mother of three girls , i loved GOD served him faithfully and couldnt understand why this was happening to me

i began to think God was angry with me . My husband that was concidered a christian was doing drugs and alchol and being verbally abusive to me

the verbal quickly turned to physical and mental . i was blamed for the marriage, blamed for not having food on the table when he got home, blamed for the house being dirty

it was all my fault and i was the problem , or so i thought . It was a cold night in 1989 i just got back from visiting a girl friend that was in the hospital dying of kidney failure, she asked me to come sing to her for she knew her time was near and loved the song "the anchor holds" when i got back from the hospital my husband was angry cause i was a little late and "yelled that is all you do is go to church and you care about GOD more than me " he slapped my face with a open hand and i tried to get away from him

running up the stairs i had just heard the baby crying in her bed ,and went to check on her , and get away from him hitting me. i picked her up to confort her and he was right behind me yelling "you need to ge tmy supper on " and pulling my hair i had my child in my arms , i tired to block his fist from my face , and he cought me again in the jaw

then i felt myself fall backwards in slow motion down the steps , last thing i heard was the baby screaming . i blacked out and when i woke up i was in icu.

i laied in the bed for 2 weeks with broken bones and a hemotoma to my skull .

By the grace of GOd my baby did not get but i few bumps !

i came home after 2 weeks of the abuse he was begging me to come back and i went back

everything was ok for a few months and then it happened again

i was coming back from work , and my daughter was in the chair with duct tape strapped to her hands and he was forcing her to eat peas

as she was crying from choking !

i talked him out of what he was doing to her

and in the middle of the night i woke her up

i packed a bag of our clothes and fled in the middle of the night to the shleter for the 7th time !

this time was the last and i finally stayed there .

3 months passed and he was furious cause i wouldnt come home he started stalking me so they decided to escort me across the state line to NY upstate to a underground shelter

untill they could place charges on him for the stalking

my life has been in the fire , i have walked through the flood

as everything i had was taken from me but my youngest daughter

i felt like job

i stood there just God and me and in time he renewed my life

and restored me

it took over 8 years and still to this day there is pain but

each day brings renewal

i have watched some of the ladies come in the chat with the same situations either verball or even mental

i want to tell you something

abuse is abuse weather verbal or mental

it will not go away and it may cost your life

God never ment for you to be in a abusive situation in a marriage

and if they cannot seek help from a pastor or a doctor

it will only get worse .

i am a living testimony of being blessed with a chance some women will never have

it is not your falut it is the abusers

you need to get to a place of safety

remember to make a plan incase things get worse

pack important documents

and have a battle plan

remember God loves you and i will be praying for you

leah

Leah I commend you for your courage and dedication to your daughter. I have been through the violence also and it is degrading demoralising and just plain criminal. I hope your daughter realises the protector she has for a mother. I hope your relationship together is one of unity and love. The act of abuse is a contract breaker. Someone (counsellor) told me you are to submit only if someone loves you like Christ loved the church and cares for your needs.

Edited July 7, 2008 by Aussielady

[AnotherTraveler]

Find another church, one that is uninvolved in this thing. There are good Christians and good churches, but in the time of trouble the shallow and the deep are seperated (as you are experiencing).

If they are blambing you for his behaviour, they are idiots, don't waste your time trying to convince them of the truth. If they justify his abuse, they are partners in it, and you don't want to gain their "favor", for the price is more abuse of a different kind.

As a man, husband, father, and grandfather, I have never understood what would make someone want to harm those that God has entrusted to them for protection and provision. Of equal amazement is the church that backs the man (we should always provide for the weak first!) and justifies this evil!

Don't get bitter, but don't think for one second that you are the "reason" that justifies such evil behaviour, there is no justification and you are not the one to blame. Keep praying.

[EricH]

Moved from Worthy Welcome to General Discussion

[Guest cindyjl]

Find another church, one that is uninvolved in this thing. There are good Christians and good churches, but in the time of trouble the shallow and the deep are seperated (as you are experiencing).

If they are blambing you for his behaviour, they are idiots, don't waste your time trying to convince them of the truth. If they justify his abuse, they are partners in it, and you don't want to gain their "favor", for the price is more abuse of a different kind.

As a man, husband, father, and grandfather, I have never understood what would make someone want to harm those that God has entrusted to them for protection and provision. Of equal amazement is the church that backs the man (we should always provide for the weak first!) and justifies this evil!

Don't get bitter, but don't think for one second that you are the "reason" that justifies such evil behaviour, there is no justification and you are not the one to blame. Keep praying.

THANK YOU! It makes me feel like I'm not crazy to hear that my thinking is not faulty. I don't want to just hear something that tickles my ears, I know I'm a sinner. I've had such a hard time because these people are pillars in the community, their intelligent and that dig into the bible and hammer out what God says. But when I listen to them, having trusted these folks for years, I keep thinking that there's more I could do, but deep down I know I've tried every way possible for 12 years to live peaceably and lovingly with my husband, and it's simply impossible. I want to know I can trust my own logic and intuition but I don't want to allow myself to be deceived either. Thank you for your support. I know your family must be thankful to have a protecter for their husband, father and grandfather. God Bless!

[RebekahDavid]

blessings Cindjl.

just want you to know that i am praying for you and that i agree with both Another Travelers post and Island Rose 's post.

seek out another church for support and help and also contact batter women groups for programs that may help.

love your sister in Christ,

Rebekah David

[Heiress2theKingdom]

Leah,

I just wanted to appreciate your courage in sharing this testimony. About a month ago I broke off my engagement to a "Christian" man, when he admitted to cheating on me. It wasn't until this major breaking point that I realized how much emotional abuse, manipulation and control I was living under with him for the past 2 and a half years. Christian women today, especially young ones who are seeking to be loved are very vulnerable to men who are wolves in sheepskin- not because we are women, but because we are so confused by the messages the church feeds us along with what our culture tells us.

I know your testimony will help other women out there to be wise and choosy with their men, perhaps some of them will even come to terms about the reality of their relationships, though it is so easy to become surrounded in illusions. I hope that mothers can teach their daughters that they are worthy of men who would never even think about hurting them.

I was supposed to get married 3 days from now- but I am rejoicing despite my agony that the lord has saved me from what you went through for so many years. I will pray that his healing washes over you, from the first moment in your life when you were hurt and rejected, all the way through the times when your husband treated you in a manner that is the opposite of love.

Only Christ is great enough to "fix" a man (or woman), and that person has to first soften their heart and admit a change must be made. My fiance still claims that he has done nothing wrong- that I have done wrong by ending my commitment to him, but I know- that the Lord wants only the best for each of us, and he would never want us to choose a path that leads us further away from him, and though we may still love the men who have hurt us, we need to let go of our burden for them and let the Lord bear it.

Prayers and Blessings,

Sarah

I wanted to leave this for the chrisitans that are going through abuse

either verbal , physical or mental , in 1998 i was a victim of domestic violence and for 16 years before that time i was led to believe i could change my husband

i figured i was a good Chrisitian faithfull wife and mother of three girls , i loved GOD served him faithfully and couldnt understand why this was happening to me

i began to think God was angry with me . My husband that was concidered a christian was doing drugs and alchol and being verbally abusive to me

the verbal quickly turned to physical and mental . i was blamed for the marriage, blamed for not having food on the table when he got home, blamed for the house being dirty

it was all my fault and i was the problem , or so i thought . It was a cold night in 1989 i just got back from visiting a girl friend that was in the hospital dying of kidney failure, she asked me to come sing to her for she knew her time was near and loved the song "the anchor holds" when i got back from the hospital my husband was angry cause i was a little late and "yelled that is all you do is go to church and you care about GOD more than me " he slapped my face with a open hand and i tried to get away from him

running up the stairs i had just heard the baby crying in her bed ,and went to check on her , and get away from him hitting me. i picked her up to confort her and he was right behind me yelling "you need to ge tmy supper on " and pulling my hair i had my child in my arms , i tired to block his fist from my face , and he cought me again in the jaw

then i felt myself fall backwards in slow motion down the steps , last thing i heard was the baby screaming . i blacked out and when i woke up i was in icu.

i laied in the bed for 2 weeks with broken bones and a hemotoma to my skull .

By the grace of GOd my baby did not get but i few bumps !

i came home after 2 weeks of the abuse he was begging me to come back and i went back

everything was ok for a few months and then it happened again

i was coming back from work , and my daughter was in the chair with duct tape strapped to her hands and he was forcing her to eat peas

as she was crying from choking !

i talked him out of what he was doing to her

and in the middle of the night i woke her up

i packed a bag of our clothes and fled in the middle of the night to the shleter for the 7th time !

this time was the last and i finally stayed there .

3 months passed and he was furious cause i wouldnt come home he started stalking me so they decided to escort me across the state line to NY upstate to a underground shelter

untill they could place charges on him for the stalking

my life has been in the fire , i have walked through the flood

as everything i had was taken from me but my youngest daughter

i felt like job

i stood there just God and me and in time he renewed my life

and restored me

it took over 8 years and still to this day there is pain but

each day brings renewal

i have watched some of the ladies come in the chat with the same situations either verball or even mental

i want to tell you something

abuse is abuse weather verbal or mental

it will not go away and it may cost your life

God never ment for you to be in a abusive situation in a marriage

and if they cannot seek help from a pastor or a doctor

it will only get worse .

i am a living testimony of being blessed with a chance some women will never have

it is not your falut it is the abusers

you need to get to a place of safety

remember to make a plan incase things get worse

pack important documents

and have a battle plan

remember God loves you and i will be praying for you

leah