Is 37 yrs too long to be lonely?

[stormy612]

Can someone describe to me what it feels like to be intimate with someone? After 37 years, I'm only intimate with God and even then I have a hard time confessing everything to Him, even though I know He already knows whatever it is. But I have NEVER known intimacy with a person.

Throughout my life, I have had all of 3 "friends". I always thought we were real friends. I cared about them and believed (really believed!) they cared about me.

I met my first friend in the 5th grade. We were always together (lived next door) and always had fun. Both our mothers were a bit on the mental side, so we shared a certain pain. After a year, my family moved, and we drifted apart. In my first year of college, I met a guy who knew her and told me that she had told him that I was a mental case and to stay away from me! Not once in our relationship did I feel any animosity from her. Whatever it was I did, she has harbored a hate towards me for years. I still don't know what I did, if I did anything at all. Big shock to discover your 'friend' wasn't really a friend at all. I feel like she lied about everything! And I feel like a fool for having believed it all. Bad me for wanting to be cared about. How selfish!

My second friend I met in 6th grade, but we didn't 'hang out' until 7th, when she realized I was the only girl in class she knew. We stayed friends until 9th grade. She wasn't what I would call a kind person-she was a snob and wanted only to be popular. But she had her good points. We were known as the "Bobsy Twins". When 9th grade started, she started acting mean-she lied about having a date with a guy she knew I had a total crush on. Fortunately, I sensed something off about the whole thing, but I played along. I was happy for her. I would have been too even if it had been the truth. My reaction total threw her off and she finally confessed. But she never told me why she would do something so mean to me-her 'friend'. She kept pulling little things like this until I just decided it wasn't worth hanging out with her anymore, so I wrote her a letter and told her I was done until she could treat me better. She proceeded to trash my reputation with everyone at school-and everyone sided with her! I was verbally abused on the bus everyday for like a month until they got tired of it and moved on to someone else to harrass. Again, I felt like a fool for believing that she was ever my friend.

My 3rd and final friend ended even worse than the other two. I'd known her since 6th, but we started hanging out in 9th. We stayed friends from age 14 until 22 or 23. She had her good and bad points. I really liked the good, and mostly ignored the bad until she did something that destroyed my faith in our friendship. Looking back, I have to wonder if she was ever a real friend to me. If any of them were.

Aside from myself, the one thing that remains common in all three relationships is that not one of my friends ever told me I was doing anything wrong! When they did critsize me, it wasn't anything I was doing, but more a personal attack, like my choice in music was dorky, or I was weird for wanting to be a female version of Grizzly Adams. My 3rd friend's favorite condemnation was "your embarrassing me!" All I remember doing at the time was being me.

Please don't get me wrong-I don't believe I was innocent! I just never knew what it was I did that would make them turn on me so harshly and so suddenly like they did. When I opened my heart up and became vulnerable, I was mocked. When I acted like they wanted me to, I was pushed around. I couldn't win. And I still can't win. I still don't have a real friend.

I won't get started on the boyfriend thing. It boils down to the same thing-one minute I thought we cared for each other, the next minute, I have a knife in my back, with no foreknowledge it was coming.

It's obvious I'm very blind to something, but I really don't have a clue what it is. My definition of 'friend' is someone you have some things in common with, what you don't can be a great learning experience, you applaud when your friend does well, comfort them when they don't. A friend respects your secrets. A friend joins you on an outing simply because it's important to you, even if they don't like doing it. A friend cares a great deal about the LIFE of their friend, not just the person.

Now, I don't trust any person. I feel like an idiot. I feel like a dummy who just can't catch a clue. And looking back, there was not one of these friendships worth having. And I hold out absolutely no hope that I will ever have one. Not one of these "friends" ever really cared about my life, my joys and my pain. Fortunately, I have Jesus. I can have Him because He isn't like anyone else on earth. He likes the fact that I love His wilderness and wanted to be a mountain man. He likes my philosophical side. He likes it when I'm happy, He doesn't get jealous when something good happens to me, and He cares enough about my LIFE, to tell me the truth (no 'walking on eggshells' from Him), He respects me enough to be really honest with me, and He's faithful. In fact, He's the only one I know who has not called me a 'whack job'. Even my dad thinks I'm "geeky".

So, I'm lonely and simply can't be 100% honest with people anymore. I just won't allow myself to be that vulnerable anymore. It just isn't worth it to me. I came here because I thought I could be a friend to people without getting attached. God has given me some wisdom and I just wanted to pass it along. I know the sin nature in me, and it's in everyone else too. So, how am I suppose to believe that even one person on this planet can ever be a real friend to me? Is it wrong for me to want to be known and loved for who God made me? Isn't it suppose to be beneficial to someone? Or am I just being impatient-Is 37 years not long enough to wait?

[O'Dannyboy]

A little bit of advice I was once told. In order to have/make friends one must first BE a friend. One thing I have always heard is good friends are hard to find. This too is very true. I don't have many people I would call friend. In my case we are close enough that we confide in each other when there is a need for an ear or shoulder. Any of the others I would consider acquaintances. I understand that loneliness that your talking about though. The closeness that only can be found in best friends. These are people who share the same interests and like to spend your time with. For some this interaction becomes necessary and can have an equally negative result when the interaction does not take place. Some people are simply more independent emotionally than others. It's just how some people are built.

[stormy612]

That is a unique way of putting it - emotionally independent. It would describe the people I hung out with. I am the exact opposite- emotionally dependent. I've always thought that I was too clingy and needy which is what turned them off of me. The problem I have is not knowing from them what it was I was doing or did to them. No one ever communicated with me. I was left to puzzle it out on my own. I know I had some good qualities of a friend, I just never knew what it was I lacked. I hate making assumptions for people too. I've been told by people that I just picked the wrong kind of friend, as if they were the one with the problem. Even as a young kid I knew I was 50% of the problem. What my 'friends' did tell me had nothing to do with how I treated them, is was always about who I was-my personal interests. For example, my '3rd' friend never wanted to go camping with me, or track animals. She had her reasons and I didn't push her at all. After high school, she met another friend and they had more in common. She started going to heavy metal concerts, which I abhorred at that time. But she was into it, it was important to her, so I went along for the sake of our friendship. Turns out, I found a great joy in concerts and spent the next three years of my life going to concerts. If I hadn't been willing to join in with her new interests, I wouldn't have found something that brought me joy. All I wanted was for her to do the same for me, for the sake of our friendship. But she never did, no matter what it was. She even accused me once of never suggesting anything to do. I told her plainly that I had, but she never wanted to do any of it, so I quit bothering. It's been this way with all my 'friends'. Another example, this same friend told me a secret, one that I could understand her need to keep it secret. To this day, I have never told anyone because it isn't mine to tell. She knew I kept it a secret, but when I needed her to return the favor, she instantly went out and blabbed it to anyone and everyone, even those people she knew I didn't like and would gloat over it just to hurt me. Was I wrong in wanting the same respect? And what did I do to earn what she did? She never told me, so I'm left thinking I'm the most horrible person on the planet! Fortunately, I found peace with some of my actions when I saw that Jesus did and taught us to do the same things. I just wish they had told me what it was I did.

[MorningGlory]

Another example, this same friend told me a secret, one that I could understand her need to keep it secret. To this day, I have never told anyone because it isn't mine to tell. She knew I kept it a secret, but when I needed her to return the favor, she instantly went out and blabbed it to anyone and everyone, even those people she knew I didn't like and would gloat over it just to hurt me. Was I wrong in wanting the same respect? And what did I do to earn what she did? She never told me, so I'm left thinking I'm the most horrible person on the planet! Fortunately, I found peace with some of my actions when I saw that Jesus did and taught us to do the same things. I just wish they had told me what it was I did.

You describe a common dilemna with so called 'friends', stormy. A lot of people, especially women, use bits of knowledge about others as currency. They buy attention for themselves and a feeling of importance by revealing secrets. It's the 'look at me, I know stuff' phenomenum. It's a false sense of importance but people like this are the ones who are truly needy; it's all about them and they never give a thought to the feelings of others. They have to be 'enemies' with someone all of the time because it's what they feed on. They are sad beings with no substance who usually can't keep friends because people figure them out and turn against them.

Your former friends couldn't tell you what you did because you probably didn't do anything. It also sounds like you didn't have anything in common with any of them. I find, personally, that those who aren't believers simply can't be true friends to me; they are acquaintances and I never develop any meaningful relationships with them. I don't engage in gossip or 'drama' and a lot of women just don't understand that. I have only two people that I really consider friends; to me that means they can be trusted and we have a lot in common. You need to make friends with people that share your faith, and your interests, and leave the narcissists to their own devices. You don't sound needy, you sound puzzled. You also sound like a good person who doesn't understand how some can be so cruel and self centered. If you steer clear of these, and find people that share your view of life, you will be a lot happier.

[Smalcald]

I agree.

It is really sad for them in a way, although I know you feel the pain, but they don't really know what a friend means; they only know what they want to fill a hole inside of them.

I think you will find a friend, some people have many friends, and some have a couple of deep friends, you are probably the later type. I would not give up on people though, but I would really try to find people with your same view of the world and life in general.

[stormy612]

I've had a lot more comfort here than I have in all the years I've been on the planet. I've met really good people in my life, don't get me wrong. I've just never been able to get really close with any of them. When I was friends with those 'friends', I wasn't walking with God so I didn't have His wisdom guiding me. Since coming to Him, I had thought I had finally found at least one thing I had in common with other people. I started talking about God, not opinions, just about all the stuff I was learning. I was so happy and excited. But the same thing happened. People look at me funny, kind of walk away then don't come back, even when I approach them. Because of this, I sometimes think God has a special purpose for me, that my life is training me for something. But then I get to thinking that that is egotistical. If I'm not being good to people, if I'm blind to it somehow, then trying to justify myself isn't going to help me or anyone else. But then, what if its true? I don't want to get caught up in the blame game and miss God either. The first time I came here to Worthy, I was upset. I needed an answer about something I'd been struggling with for a long time. There isn't anyone in my day to day life that I can go to who will just listen to me, or even knows me well enough to answer my questions with that kind of intimate knowledge that comes from someone who knows how to approach you.

Fortunately, God can and through one post I was reading, He led me to the answer. I was going to post my question, but I didn't need to. From that moment on, I decided to come out of myself and listen to others so I could be a mouth and heart for God. That's still my goal. It's just really hard to live in a world where no one REALLY knows you. Even my dad. He bases his knowledge of me on assumptions and opinions he had long before he had kids. He doesn't really listen at all. My mom has been too self-obsessed to know me and won't listen either. Same with my two sisters. I grew up in that, so self-obsession was the norm. It's been a long struggle to get to where I am now, and I'm still fighting it.

Maybe I'm just giving in to a moment of weakness and having a good old fashion pity party. But people just confuse me. The rules of behavior change with each person I meet, so what is okay with one, is a horrible offense to another. I just can't keep up. I haven't given up on people. So far, the only good I've been able to do for people is what God does through me-speaking with His wisdom. People need Him. I won't deny Him just because I don't understand people. But I am doing something to people-I just don't know what.

Thank you for words, everyone. They are helping!

[alycia]

Hi Stormy,

I can really relate to what your're saying...I'm in my mid-forties, and it's been really hard for me to get close to anyone in terms of intimate friendship over the past several years. Most of my "friends" were in church, and I learned the painful lesson that just because someone's "in church" it doesn't mean they are always trustworthy or care about your well-being and growth as a Christian. I suffered much hurt and betrayal at the hands of "church people". As a result, my spiritual life has suffered a little--I have bounced around from church to church for the past five years, and haven't really made any lasting friendships. The "friends' I had were friends as long as I was going to their church.

But what I've gone thru has taught me a valuable life lesson, and this may not pertain to you..but God taught me to go to Him first with my problems, my hurts, my questions...and to not always seek out fallable human beings for comfort or advice. I do believe God does use others to minister to us, to give "a word in due season", but I had to learn to run to Him first, to become intimate with Him first...He wants to be close to Him, to put Him first in everything...but my problem was that I was "running" to everyone else before I would go to Him.

[O'Dannyboy]

Well. Look at it this way. We should all be grateful to have our family here at Worthy to lean on when things don't work out so well. It may not be "intimate" but it helps fill part of that void left by a less than social lifestyle. I have tried not to let my lack of friends bother me too much. I understand that I am not your typical man who hunts or spends hours watching sporting events. I prefer Choral music to Country or Hip Hip. I understand that that is a tall order where friends are concerned. To qualify as a "best" friend I believe the two people are likely to have a lot in common and so for me this is likely to be "few and far between".

One thing is certain. You will not find that special friend if you are not bothering to look for friends for sake of being rejected. It's not unlike searching for and finding a mate/spouse. Generally the rolls are different but in some even rarer instances some people are blessed to fall in love with their best friend. (male+female God willing)

[stormy612]

God has taught me that I am not to look to people for guidance and truth and I am very glad He did. I know people can't be for me what He is. I guess I just haven't figured out what people are suppose to be for me and what I am suppose to be for them. I act like Peter-How many times do I forgive them before I just give up-not because I want to, but to protect myself. When my last friend betrayed, not just my trust, but my faith in our friendship, I really struggled with this question. And this before I knew God. I chose to stay away from her because I just didn't know how to deal with her lack of respect for me any more. I didn't know how to gain respect from her. I couldn't be like her at all, but who I am, in her eyes, wasn't worthy of respect. By walking away from her, I felt like I was condemning her, but on the other hand, I felt relieved that I was protecting myself (respecting myself?). I didn't completely reject her. I thought that if she ever returned to me, I'd renew our friendship whole-heartedly. When her daughter was 2, and mine 6 mos., she called me out of the blue and invited us to visit. I went hoping to find a chance to renew our friendship, but all I found in her was a desire to renew our old relationship-I was again suppose to be the lowest on the totem pole. So, I drifted away again. I've never stopped caring about her, but I hate that things just can't be the way I'd like them to be. Why am I not respected for being who I am? I can still be a friend to her without her being a friend to me, but I'd just like for the gesture to be returned-even once. I need to find a balance between having a standard that I will not compromise on, expecting a level of respect but not setting that level too high, being patient with people and our faults, and knowing when to protect (respect) myself.

Jesus sacrificed Himself for me. He's my model. He was able to love all of humanity without losing Himself somehow. I just want to be able to do the same. I know there is good in me because of God. But how do you know when someone is rejecting you because of the good in you, versus rejecting you because you're doing something wrong? Especially since I can't see into their hearts? And how do you determine that the 'wrong' you've done is really wrong versus their perception of wrong (because to them it IS wrong)? With people being so different from one another, how does anything make sense?

Does anything I'm saying make sense? or are my words as confusing as the thoughts in my head?

[alycia]

she called me out of the blue and invited us to visit. I went hoping to find a chance to renew our friendship, but all I found in her was a desire to renew our old relationship-I was again suppose to be the lowest on the totem pole.

Why am I not respected for being who I am? I can still be a friend to her without her being a friend to me, but I'd just like for the gesture to be returned-even once. I need to find a balance between having a standard that I will not compromise on, expecting a level of respect but not setting that level too high, being patient with people and our faults, and knowing when to protect (respect) myself.

Maybe it would be best to be "upfront" with her, and honestly tell her how you feel--the next time she "calls you out of the blue". Then you will know if she truly values the friendship or not, because she will either help to clear up any misunderstanding, or she will deny treating you that way and try to tell you that it's something wrong with you or your perception of her.

This is territory I've been thru, and yes, you have to learn how to "guard your heart", that doesn't mean shutting people out of your life, but at the same time recognizing that you have worth and value to God and to others...and it also means trusting Him to place people in your life that recognize that as well.

I think this is a process God leads us thru--the ablilty to love others unconditionally, but at the same time allowing Him to help us stand up to the "wiles of the enemy" that can come thru other people in order to ultimately destroy us and our faith and trust in God--and to cause us to believe that He doesn't have our best interest at heart.

Stormy, He doesn't want you to give up on people, but He will let you when it's time to end a friendship/relationship...some people, I've had to learn, are in your life for a specific time and season, and when that season is over, He hs a way of shaking things up so that you have to "move on". He's done that with me a number of times. It's not something YOU would have done wrong, if it were, I'm sure God would convict you and that you would try to make things right. But perhaps He's teaching you how to recognize toxic relationships and how to handle them.