So...

[David of Derby]

Would it be so terrible to just do it and get it over with? I'd be with God then, right?

[Guest Biblicist]

Is there something that has happened to you recently that has you feeling this way, or is this an ongoing thought?

[David of Derby]

It's never gone for very long, that thought.

[stormy612]

If you have the Holy Spirit dwelling within you, how are you apart from God? You are apart from heaven, our home, that peaceful place we call home, but you are never apart from God. He is in you, and in us, and in His Word that you carry with you in the bible, and His word that you carry in your heart. That makes Him everywhere you go. How hard are you looking for Him? Where are you looking for Him? Take captive this thought and start searching for Him-"Seek and ye shall find."

[David of Derby]

Why doesn't anyone love me back? Am I so wretched that no one could?

[stormy612]

I collect quotes. Things I've read that better express how I feel. I feel alone A LOT.

Here I find I am not as alone I have believed:

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. "Yet even that enemy of God and man had friends and associates in his desolation; I am alone." This is the monster talking.

Joseph Conrad's The Heart of Darkness : ""Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream-making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that co-mingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams..." He was silent for awhile. "...No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence-that which makes its truth, its meaning-its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream-alone."

Joseph Conrad's The Heart of Darkness: "...They were conquerors, and for that you want only brute force-nothing to boast of when you have it, since your strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others."

Henry David Thoreau's Walden: "Nature is as adapted to our weakness as to our strength."- When I am weak, I am pounded into mush. When I am strong, there raises up an army to fight me.

These bring me comfort:

Bertrand Russell's Portraits From Memory- "Knowledge and Wisdom" : "The essence of wisdom is emanicipation, as far as possible, from the tyranny of the here and now."

Rebecca Cox Jackson's Gifts of Power- "The Dream of the Cakes" : "And I woke in the morning. And I told my dream. My dreams became a burden to my family. I shall only mention a few of them in this writing in order to show how it pleased God, in His wisdom, to lead a poor, unlearned, ignorant woman without the aid of mortal."

""But this battle is quiet. There are no pounding hooves, just the cry of the wounded. And my opponents are death and misery," said Jack. "You are the angel, Jack, and your steed is love. Love is quiet. Its victory silences their cries," Terrin whispered."

These make me laugh:

Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Notes From the Underground: "Can a man of perception respect himself at all?"

John Ciardi (source unknown): "Who could believe an ant in theory? A giraffe in blueprint? Ten thousand doctors of what's possible could reason half the jungle out of being."

And this one brings me back to that place of balance:

Julian Of Norwich's A Book of Showings: "From this is follows that as truely as God is our Father, so truly is God our mother. Our Father wills, our Mother works, our good Lord, the Holy Spirit, confirms. And therefore it is our part to loveour God in whom we have our being, reverently thanking and praising him for our creation, mightly praying to our Mother for mercy and pity, and to our Lord, the Holy Spirit for help and grace." "But often when our falling and our wrtchedness are shown to us, we ar so much afraid and so greatly ashamed of ourselves that we scarcely know where we can put ourselves. But then our courteous Mothe does not wish us to fell away, for nothing would be less pleasing to Him; but He then wants us to behave like a child. For when it is distressed and frightened it runs quickly to it Mother, and if it can do no more, it calls to Mother with all its might. So He wants us to act as a meek child, saying: my kind Mother, my gracious Mother, my beloved Mother, have mercy on me. I have made myself filthy and unlike you, and I may not and cannot make it right except with your help and grace."

David, we all possesed a form of love, an understanding of a love that is not of God. That is the love that this world seems to dangle in front of us like the proverbial carrot. You have to ask yourself if you REALLY want the love this world has to offer, or the love God offers us freely through Jesus Christ. If you choose God's love, then you will be filled with God (God is love), loving others as He loves you. You will then find yourself repelling those who cannot love as He loves, and drawing to you those who can. You're hardly wretched, David. Your just rejecting that empty 'love' the world keeps trying to shove down your throat and seeking for the REAL love that fills us up. Yes, you're lonely, but this is your special time with God, for Him to fill you with HIS love. You have to get rid of the 'worldly love' that's in you. Don't waste time trying to puzzle out the love of this world. It's a serious waste of God's time and yours.

Edited October 22, 2008 by stormy612

[David of Derby]

I do not understand what you just said...

[stormy612]

Since I've come to know Jesus, I've discovered what real love is. Looking back at my life before Him, all I can see is ME wanting something from anyone. And I'd do just about anything to get it. They could say or do anything, and I'd practically fall down and worship them just because they paid attention to me. Because of that, I had a lot of people take advantage of my 'neediness'. It attracted a lot of bad people in my life. I did a lot of bad things under their influence (my need to impress them), and they burned me in the end anyways.

For example, one of my sins were those 'little white lies' and the occasional 'bigger lie'. Because I was a liar, I attracted other liars into my life. Our 'relationship' was based on blackmail-if you tell on me, I'll tell on you. That wasn't love, but because they were there, I did call it love. Once Jesus showed me why lying was wrong, I started telling the truth. I was ashamed of my lies, but having them exposed was part of the consequence. I didn't think much past the embarrassment but I was determined to stop lying. But God had a surprise for me that I was going to discover. When I started being honest, I started to see the lies others were telling me. My vision cleared. I could see what our relationship was based on, and it wasn't love. Things grew uncomfortable and confusing and depressing for a while. They couldn't hack being around someone they couldn't trust to keep their lies secret and they couldn't stand being around someone who somehow knew they were lying. So, they all left one by one (some faster than others). By being honest, God cleared the lies and liars out of my life. The people I'm around everyday don't notice me much, but they aren't liars either. Liars just don't 'stick' anymore. So God put a hedge around me that keeps liars away. And all because He taught me how to be honest like He is.

Its the same with God's love. When you live in God's love, when you love people the way God wants us to, it has this effect of opening our eyes to what's really going on (I was blind but now I see). Those who don't really love us start to feel uncomfortable and they move away. To us, it feels like rejection and abandonment. But it's really God cleaning out your life of bad influences. Let them go. If you don't let that get to you, if you take advantage of that alone time with God to learn what His love is and you keep looking for Him, you'll see the people God is bringing into your life that will love you with God's love. And it'll be the pure love you're looking for, not the kind that's based on what you do or don't do for someone. You won't constantly be asking 'what did I do wrong?' And to prove my point, you've got us here, right? God's reaching out to you. He's brought us to you, as much as He's led you to us. And since you have God's love in you, you have special wisdom to offer us too. I can't help everybody, but with my brothers and sisters in Christ, everybody can be helped.

Sorry about the quotes. It's something I do when I'm feeling down or bored. Thought it might help.

[David of Derby]

Wasn't the quotes I didn't understand. Thanks.

[stormy612]

So, how are you doing?

No offense, but trying to get you to talk is like pulling teeth!

Tell me what you like to do, anything. Or, if you'd prefer PM'ing, I can do that too.

Hope your doing okay!