Fault......guilt......blame

[Guest kitkat]

how do you deal with someone that constantly makes you feel guilty;that blame you for everything.

If it's at all possible, I would say to avoid them as much as possible. If you can't avoid them and you know you are not guilty and shouldn't be held responsible or accountable for what someone is blaming you for, stand up for yourself.

Kat

[papasangel]

Guilt is a popular tool that satan uses when he attacks. People who do the blame game often try to shift the focus of the issue away from them to others in cases of fault. Those who constantly criticize others do suffer from either low self esteems or enjoy making others misrible under a power rush so to speak.

Undecided Frog, you may not be a christian yet as you claim but its only a matter of time. Too many of us are praying for you right now my friend and we are just waiting for the day that you decided to join our family.

Beth I just want to hug you so much sis. You have been through so much in your young life.

[BroChuck]

It started with Eve. I'm sort of bad about this sometimes. I think I do it to avoid consequences, out of fear. But there's also an element of pride I think because deep down I'm thinking "I don't deserve the blame".

I agree its a part of our sinful nature....Brings me to mind as a child when we all are playing with our siblings or friends and one does something wrong .. who is the first to blame someone else ? .. The one that did the wrong doing .. so as we grow and mature some sins grow inside of us and we dont let go of them .. even after accepting Jesus into our lives we have to deny our flesh daily.. its so important to take a inventory of self daily and deny self and try to live by The Spirit as much as we can .

Galatians 6:8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

Matthew 7:4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

Love in Christ yur Bro ......... Chuck

[our3blessings]

how do you deal with someone that constantly makes you feel guilty;that blame you for everything.

If it's at all possible, I would say to avoid them as much as possible. If you can't avoid them and you know you are not guilty and shouldn't be held responsible or accountable for what someone is blaming you for, stand up for yourself.

Kat

This is what I try to do with a certain woman at church. It's not easy to avoid her because she is involved in quite a few things. She is old school, and I think, power hungry as well. When the younger generation crosses her, or does something different than she thinks it should be done, her mouth goes constantly. She gossips about these people and refuses to see that she is wrong for doing so. When she does something to hurt someone, she blows it off because she thinks since she is older, she doesn't have to accept the blame. She transfers the blame to whoever she has hurt by saying something else to hurt them. It's a vicious circle that needs to stop.

Whoops, I about hijacked your thread. Sorry... I have my own issues with this!

Pray pray pray. That is the only answer that I have for these types of situations. I think some people forget about compassion towards others. :prayer I also believe that God sometimes puts these types of people into our lives for a reason that is not so easy to discover. It helps strengthen us to stand strong for His truth and His light.

[hippo's hope is HIM]

Wow guys!!!!
Thanks for all the info and testimonies about this.

I didn't want to say who it was at first because I didn't want you to give a biased opinion on it. The person is my mother. Now before you go posting honor and respect thy Father and mother ect ect. please just hear me out.

My mother is depressed, and is off her meds but she has done this since before we knew she was depressed. She has no emotional stability. True she has had a rough life, a child of hers died before she turned 2, she drowned in a pool. Her Mother has always been with her. They both bicker alot, (more so than normal family stuff) They both have the tendencies to shift the blame and do the guilt trip thing. My Grandmother died, and my mother still hasn't gotten over that. The fact that she has to take care of a mentally disabled brother for the rest of his life ; withought any help ffrom her many siblings, leaves her feeling bitter, angry and resentful. Since she almost died from the gash in her head; she has been talking more about praying; leaves little hints about it.

ex. My mother almost died from hitting her head against the wall the same day I go in for surgery. 4 days later my mother tells me that she almost died, and all she could do was plead with the Big Man upstairs about him not taking her because she didn't want me to wake up to find my momma dead. well that is all good. But what does constantly throwing it in my face, and constantly bringing it back up solve?

everything about her tone and the way she talks about what happened to someone else; she blames me for her falling. We had just got done arguing. I left her room, she walked out of the room and fell. But this whole time she has been all Beth it's not your fault, but she says it so sarcastically. She thinks I wanted her to get hurt. yeah okay, NO.

When I finally told her that my family member abused me, she says immediately 1.That she is a failure as a mother, 2. WHY didn't you tell me sooner, he needs help, and now he can't get it because you didn't tell. THings like that....and then my sister (after having to beg her to have counseling; mom wanted to know why and she was like I will tell you after I get done with it; she told her a few weeks ago) she told my sister that it was her fault. That she was old enough (10) to know that it was wrong , and was stupid for doing it.

alot of the other I can't remember stuff exactly,basically she does it all the time. when she vents about something, my sister gets mad because mom bashes our older sister. So then mom is all mad and yelling because we aren't listening, which I am. Kim just doesn't want to hear her pity party. Even when she isn't all sad and stuff, her tone is extrememly mean, hateful, and always makes someone feel guilty; no matter what the situation is.

I see God working in me; to break down those walls of hurts and disappointments that I have about my mother. I realize that I cannot put her on a standard and expect her to follow it, and though I want a mother who prays with me, talks with me, and is my friend as well as authority and discipliner, that isn't going to happen. She is doing the best she can. So I just hope that I can change before I really hurt her. I see me becomming and behaving like her and it scares the heck out of me.

so, I cannot avoid her. LOL, although sometimes I do try. lolol like right before I had to break down and tell her about my brother....I would go to sleep on the way to school, and after school. Give her NO chance to ask me questions. LOL and it worked......UNTIL my sister went to church and I had to go to the store with her, alone; with my mom. Sheesh. Talk about a can of worms. It was such a crazy day. lol.

if I have a problem with her, I TRY to talk to her. But she always shoves it back on me. "OH I am the one with problems, I am the one being mean, Not everything is your fault what are you talking about, SHUT up. I am such a failure as a mother blah blah blah. " Or if I need some new shoes (I get some like every 2 or 3 years) or new clothes, she'll start crying, and either say, I don't have the money why am I such a bad mother, or she'll start the rant of why should I, you don't wear the stuff you have. Full well knowing that we wear what we have all the time, and without complaints mostly. She is so predictable too. And she makes everything about her. I just realized this a few weeks ago. All she can do is talk about her self, and how everything affects herself, it is always I I I with her. She is a very sacrificial person, and I know that she does all that she can for me.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I am so blessed to have my parents; that aren't physically abusive, that are there for me, that give even when we are bratty kids. I am so fortunate to have them. Especially my dad. He is so awesome. and I have no idea how he puts up with moms negativity, and with his chronic back pain, and all the stupidity that goes on around here.

so, snap me back into reality. Is it me being over-reactive. Does my mom reallyl do this.....being that she is my mother, and she is so tempermental other than praying, how can I shut up when she gets started on me....or how can I not condemn myself when she trashes me, or God, or my other sisters.

Thanks for listening, and for giving such good comments and stuff :hug:

[ted]

Ok Sis, now I have something to work with.

Thanks.

You know what the first thing I would do?

Print out a copy of what you just posted and put it on her bed. When you are sure that she has read it, go to her and ask her to talk about it. What you just wrote is the most honest way to put it. Let her read it, give her a minute to digest it, and try to open the dialog with that.

t.

[UndecidedFrog]

Dear Beth,

This is just my opinion. You don't have to accept it if you dislike it. DISCLAIMER: I am not a christian.

I would suggest that you first talk to your mom's physician who prescribed the anti-depressants, about your mom's mood and attitude coming off those drugs. Determine if this sort of behaviour is common. First rule out the affects of the medication, then deal with mom.

If approaching mom is difficult for you, I would suggest you get in touch with an uncle or aunt that is trusted by you and mom to act as mediator. Having a mediator will free you and mom to clear the air of your feelings with hopefully, an impartial third party that can give perspective to the dynamic between you and mom.

I sense you love your mom very much and will continue to try to mend your relationship with her.

Good luck,

UndecidedFrog

[nebula]

I'm sure I'm not a christian in disguise    That would be like a sheep in wolf clothing?

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing - that's the title of a Mylon LeFevre & BrokenHeart album!

('80's Christian Rock band)

:Sniffle: I miss that band!

[nebula]

Dearest Beth -

My father does the blame-shift thing, too. So, I know how it hurts.

Sadly, I have to disagree with Ted about sharing your feelings in the matter to her. I'll put it this way: "Anything you say or do will be used against you in a court of law."

You're mom's defenses are so-o-o strong that she can't accept that she is hurting you. Where she is at, she is not capable of repentance - if she sees dirt on her, all she will see is the dirt and hate herself more for the dirt, but the only way she can deal with the dirt and the hatred is to take the focus off of her. So, you get hit.

It is a very, very , very hard place for a child to be.

I have one distant friend who shared with me about her mother. Her mother said a lot of hurtful things to my friend. One day, her mother actually hit her! My friend just said, "I love you, Mom," and then walked up the stairs.

I don't know how many years this went on, but some time later she relayed to me that her mom just one day changed! No explanation, no appology - she just out-of-the-blue treated my friend more in the way a mother should treat her daughter!

Don't get me wrong - I know it's not easy. I'm still working on my ability to handle my dad when he throws blame at me. So, I'm talking to myself as much as anybody.

The only way you will get through this is to just do whatever you can to love her in your actions. I'm not saying don't feel mad - that's impossible! Yet, if you can find the strength to say, "I love you," when she does those things, or give her a hug anyway (that's where I fail - I'm too frightened by my dad's anger to open up like that) - that will be the only way to save her.

You see, love is what she is really looking for. I know it doesn't seem that way, but that is what she craves. Love-in-action (bringing home flowers for her, going the extra mile in chores and letting your mom know you are doing this for her, something . . . ) is the key to breaking down the defenses.

Now there's the principle. Unfortunately, we're going to need outside help in the "how to walk out the principle" part. :sweating: