Baby Christian w/ Non-Christian boyfriend. In need of HELP!!

[mochi]

I need some godly and wise advice on this subject, and thought this would be a great place to start. A lot of the advice I am getting in the Christian community has been extremely vague and not very helpful.

I'm currently a new Christian who has been dating a non-Christian for 4 and a half years. We started our relationship when we were both non-Christians in college. We have helped each other throughout college, and developed a really awesome friendship.

I moved in with him three months after we started the relationship, having sex like it was no big deal. My relationship with him, while good, lacked something deeper that I tried to feel with physical closeness. I didn't know it then, but once I had a worldview change it all came together...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

During these past four years I opened a lot of doors that probably should have stayed closed. First of course, was the sexual sin, our relationship seemed to revolve around it to the point where I would get frustrated because the only things we would do together were sexual. Secondly, his brother was a drug dealer before I met him (and my boyfriend would help deal his wares at times) so I was surrounded by lots of free illegal drugs and started to party, drink, and use drugs. THey put me in a really bad head space, and I regret my choice to experiment with them. Thirdly, since I was taking lots of mind altering drugs, I was also getting into witchcraft and the occult. The spirit world I saw during my drug use was extremely enticing to me. I became saved around the time where I wanted to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft.

I'm not going to tell my conversion story, but I will say that it challenged my occultism, my partying/substance abuse, and my sexuality. Long story short, God reached into my life and changed me into a new person with new desires.

So now I'm a new Christian, figuring out how to do life. I'm part of a church, a small group, and am building relationships with mature Christians. But... I have a non-Christian boyfriend...who I'm living with. He's been extremely positive about my Christian life. SInce I changed, we have gotten rid of all the drugs(and drug paraphernalia), slowed down partying (we will go out with friends for a drink every once in a while), and have completely stopped having sex.

He has expressed interest in Christianity because i have, and I recently bought him a bible and have prayed that God work in his life.

The sad thing is, I never know if he will ever become a Christian, and I am not going to sin by marrying a non-Christian. We haven't talked about our sex life, I think it's just an unspoken thing (I guess he assumes that Christians don't have pre-marital sex, which is correct in my case). It's now been 5 months since our last sexual encounter(since I became a Christian). We're living like a married couple aside from a lack of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. We are buddies. But he's still me best friend who I love dearly.

But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

HELP!!!

[OldShep]

Mochi, my name is Dennis.

I'll let other people give you advice on your boy friend, however, I will share with you one thing I have learned. I learned that if I really place God First, everything else seems to fall in it's proper place.

Lord I pray that You grant wisdom to this young lady and peace to her heart. Amen

ICL~~~Dennis

[OneLight]

I am sure you will receive some very wise advice, and maybe some not so wise advice, but all I can share is what His word speaks.

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

[BFP]

There is more to this than we can tell just reading a short bit about it. I tend to think that perhaps God is working in your boyfriends life more than you think he is...after all he has changed a lot...dropping the drugs, living without sex in respect for you...sounds to me like you are both moving in the same direction but he may be a little behind you in his walk. There is nothing wrong with that. Most guys I would have known in my younger years would have got up and walked away, but for some reason he hasn't, maybe because he is in agreement.

Being married in the eyes of the law is simply that...the eyes of the law. But in the eyes of God you are married when you have consentual sexual relations. Is he your first and only sexual encounter? That isn't easy to just up and leave...and wouldn't necessarily be right either.

But you also say that God is convicting you to leave him. Are you sure about that? Because if that is the case then you would of course choose God's plan for your life, but be sure.

You are doing well so far making all the changes you have to follow the Lord:) He will lead you, and no one can really tell you either way what you should or shouldn't do. But I will keep you in my prayers.

[~Shalhevet~]

There is more to this than we can tell just reading a short bit about it. I tend to think that perhaps God is working in your boyfriends life more than you think he is...after all he has changed a lot...dropping the drugs, living without sex in respect for you...sounds to me like you are both moving in the same direction but he may be a little behind you in his walk. There is nothing wrong with that. Most guys I would have known in my younger years would have got up and walked away, but for some reason he hasn't, maybe because he is in agreement.

Being married in the eyes of the law is simply that...the eyes of the law. But in the eyes of God you are married when you have consentual sexual relations. Is he your first and only sexual encounter? That isn't easy to just up and leave...and wouldn't necessarily be right either.

But you also say that God is convicting you to leave him. Are you sure about that? Because if that is the case then you would of course choose God's plan for your life, but be sure.

You are doing well so far making all the changes you have to follow the Lord:) He will lead you, and no one can really tell you either way what you should or shouldn't do. But I will keep you in my prayers.

Great advice here.

Praying for your situation.

[OneLight]

There is more to this than we can tell just reading a short bit about it. I tend to think that perhaps God is working in your boyfriends life more than you think he is...after all he has changed a lot...dropping the drugs, living without sex in respect for you...sounds to me like you are both moving in the same direction but he may be a little behind you in his walk. There is nothing wrong with that. Most guys I would have known in my younger years would have got up and walked away, but for some reason he hasn't, maybe because he is in agreement.

Being married in the eyes of the law is simply that...the eyes of the law. But in the eyes of God you are married when you have consentual sexual relations. Is he your first and only sexual encounter? That isn't easy to just up and leave...and wouldn't necessarily be right either.

But you also say that God is convicting you to leave him. Are you sure about that? Because if that is the case then you would of course choose God's plan for your life, but be sure.

You are doing well so far making all the changes you have to follow the Lord:) He will lead you, and no one can really tell you either way what you should or shouldn't do. But I will keep you in my prayers.

Great advice here.

Praying for your situation.

Nice ideas, good advice, and hope does not trump Gods word.

[gdemoss]

Welcome to Worthy.

One of the previous posts caused me to pause. What is biblical marriage? It is a good question. It is not simply something that is created when two people come together in a sexual manner. Nor is it the paperwork filed at the local government agency. Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man and a woman that is recognized by God as a union that he makes. What God has joined together let not man put asunder. You can be married to anyone you want simply by exchanging vows without any outside input and regardless of anything man says or thinks. A marriage is consummated upon having carnal knowledge of each other and it is at this point that divorce is no longer an option without sin.

The question you face is "Am I currently living in sin and what would God have me do if I am?"

The sin question is a tricky one. Many people get stuck looking at the Mosaic Law when trying to understand what is and is not sin because it was the only knowledge of sin that Gods people ever had prior to the New Covenant and the physical manifestation of Christ upon the earth. If anyone refutes my claims here, they will probably bring up those very verses that explain that the law brought about the knowledge of sin. Jesus taught us about understanding sin without the law because their is no law that can cover all of what sin is and what might be sin for one according to the law truly isn't sin for another due to the law being weak because of the need for interpretation of the law. All of the law and the prophets are based upon two things. Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and body and your neighbor as yourself. When you look at what this says closely, it says the law is built upon selflessness. Jesus is selfless. Jesus is the righteousness of God manifest in the flesh. He is the opposite of sin and why we hear the phrase 'What would Jesus do?'.

So when you begin to try to unravel the sin in your life it isn't exactly crystal clear what the right thing to do is based upon a simple list of things that have been sin in certain situations. In the OT a man was stoned to death for picking up sticks on the Sabbath as it was against the law to do so. We also find David the king eating the show bread which was not lawful for him to do but Jesus said he was innocent of wrong doing.

I believe you need to revisit your relationship and ask the question "Did we profess any vows to each other that might constitute a marriage in Gods eyes?". Only you can know if God himself would consider your relationship a marriage already or not. Don't rely upon the traditions of men to tell you what marriage is and is not. Man does not define marriage. If man defined marriage then God would have to recognize gay marriage, which will never happen.

Whatever you choose to do, do it because it is a decision based upon the two most important principles that can be understood to be the basis of all law. By doing it are you loving God first? Your neighbor as yourself second? If you felt compelled to leave this man you have already been living with as if your married to him, are you going to go out and try to find some new replacement to marry? Or stay single and devote yourself to God? What is the best selfless thing you can do in the situation?

My personal thoughts on the matter would be that marriage is probably in order, though he not be a believer. I base this off of the fact that you have already been living in a 'married' state with this man and you would be most useful to God first and him second by being married to Christ first and living out a life that is completely Christian in submission to this man according to scripture and winning him over without a word by the change in your behavior. This has already been evident in what has transpired up to this point and is evidence that it may continue as God puts his blessing upon it. This of course is fully dependent upon your ability to keep Christ first. If being married to this man would only draw you away from Christ and cause you to live in a fashion that is sinful in nature then termination of the relationship is the only recourse of action. Bathe it in prayer and discuss it openly together. It is best that you explain everything up front about your hopes and expectations of winning him to Christ.

This is one of the difficult things that a Christian counsellor comes in contact with when counselling sinners who repent. Your one of the lucky ones as there are some who have had operations to change their sexuality and have to deal with what to do now that they found Christ.

In any event, God bless you with wisdom, knowledge, understanding and counsel that you need to prosper in love in his name to his glory.

Gary

[nebula]

But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

Your convictions are good.

What is it you want to communicate about specifically?

[mochi]

But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

Your convictions are good.

What is it you want to communicate about specifically?

Thanks! These are the points I want to hit:

1) I wan to touch base with how he feels about the relationship not that we are not physically intimate. I would like to set boundaries so neither of us will be too tempted to sin.

2) I want to know what he plans for our future, or if he has any plans at all for me or not.

3) I wan to ask him if he's willing to look into Christianity, not so that he will become Christian, but so he could understand what makes me tick, and what I might expect from a marraige and family life later if we were to go forward.

Edited May 1, 2012 by mochi

[mochi]

There is more to this than we can tell just reading a short bit about it. I tend to think that perhaps God is working in your boyfriends life more than you think he is...after all he has changed a lot...dropping the drugs, living without sex in respect for you...sounds to me like you are both moving in the same direction but he may be a little behind you in his walk. There is nothing wrong with that. Most guys I would have known in my younger years would have got up and walked away, but for some reason he hasn't, maybe because he is in agreement.

Being married in the eyes of the law is simply that...the eyes of the law. But in the eyes of God you are married when you have consentual sexual relations. Is he your first and only sexual encounter? That isn't easy to just up and leave...and wouldn't necessarily be right either.

But you also say that God is convicting you to leave him. Are you sure about that? Because if that is the case then you would of course choose God's plan for your life, but be sure.

You are doing well so far making all the changes you have to follow the Lord:) He will lead you, and no one can really tell you either way what you should or shouldn't do. But I will keep you in my prayers.

I don't feel called to leave him. However, I feel extremely called to open up communication on our relationship and encourage him to meet my new Christian friends. But I am very new at this, and it could just be my feelings blinding me as well. :/