Why don't Christians value friendship?

[oldzimm]

I must agree with Patriot and udx, the Christian walk has a crawling stage and a walking stage. The crawling stage is where you will find older Christians (not talking age here) helping you in your start down the road as a Christian. We must be careful not to remain in the crawling stage for too long, as Christians we will always be learning, yet we must get bolder and help wherever we can.

 

Udx mentioned small groups, our Church has many small groups with eight to ten members in a group, both men's and women's groups. This is where you are most likely to find a close friend, you need a close friend or two so you can tell your troubles to and they to you, this way you can keep each other accountable. Word of caution, don't be in a rush to find a close friend, choose a friend or two you can truly trust, nothing worst then going to somebody you thought was a close friend for accountability and to find out they blabbered your troubles to the whole Church. We all fall short at times and we don't need sister "did you hear about" gossiping Oldzimm's short falls to sister "I never would do that" and she tells sister "I never would either". (We don't need the headache)

 

Oldzimm 

[Tristen]

Hi Gray Wolf,

 

I think this is common. People get caught up in the formulas of ‘doing church’ rather than developing relationships with fellow believers – like church participation is their occupation; an obligation.

 

I recall a church I attended for a little over 8 years. Initially, it was a ministry known for its love and welcoming acceptance of all. I attribute this to the fact that there were opportunities for fellowship several times per week (i.e. not a home group or study – just a get together; maybe everyone (who can) brings a plate of food to share, or to watch a sporting event, or to help fix someone’s car, or have a swim, or help pack for a move, play computer games, picnics, BarBQs, camping, outings etc.). There was a real family atmosphere.

 

Unfortunately, over time, the ministry focus changed from fellowship to ‘church building’. Over time, the family atmosphere dissipated. And as people started peeling away, the focus (and pressure) to follow church-building formulas intensified. That ministry no longer exists.

 

I still have good friends from relationships developed in the early days of that ministry. I take it as a lesson – fellowship with each other is more important to God than church services or having a successful ministry (hopefully no one will take that to mean I’m anti church services). Communal worship and teaching is important, but people connections are more important to God than buildings and organisations and numbers of attendees and offerings take.

 

 

As another example, I recall an occasion where my Christian flatmate was going through a difficult time. We were both invited to dinner with some friends who were aware of his troubles. After dinner, some other friends arrived with guitar-in-hand – prepared for worship (which was obviously organised). My troubled friend walked out. He felt as though he’d been lured into a ‘church activity’ when all he wanted to do is spend time relaxing in the company of friends. I understand the good intentions of the hosts, but often fellowship can be more healing than overt works of spirituality.

[shel]

On 1/26/2015 at 10:23 PM, Abby-Joy said:

 

 

I agree with you both.  I'm 42 yrs old, and have been knowing Jesus since I was 13.  But when I needed help due to some assaults on me and my children... I turned to me "friends" at church, and I was turned away and told that I "needed professional help."  I do not currently attend a church and haven't had a home church for a few years.  I attend very occasionally.  I do love to attend a good home Bible study, and that's what I prefer...

sometimes christian chat can fill in the gap when we have had trouble finding a caring church to belong to. I was never more alone than when I was a single parent and my soon to be ex husband tried to poison our church friends against me. Even when I went to a new church I still felt misunderstood and unsupported.

[shel]

wow. cool, Abby-Joy! 

Sorry you and your kids went through that trauma.

I'm so thankful for my current church and current husband. They truly demonstrate the impartial love of Jesus. 

[shel]

4 minutes ago, Abby-Joy said:

That's truly a gift, Shel ... I long for a place I can be accepted, to be honest.  But I've come to understand that will likely never happen for me.  I've been shunned in most churches, and officially booted from 2 ... lol .... I can laugh about it now, but I don't want to go through that again. 

What I did wrong.... was ask for help... not money... just help, prayer, support.... but it's okay  

I feel out-of-place in most churches. The only church I've ever really felt at home in is the Vineyard. And I also prefer small group settings where real connecting and individual ministry can happen. I bet there is a Vineyard church near you.

[Jaydog1976]

As mentioned by someone in this post friendship is a two street. What happens though is that we expect, myself is no exception, others to gravitate towards us as though we exude friendship. However this isn't the case. You want friends then be a friend. Friendship means getting to someone more than just, "Hey how are you?" the walking on by without even caring a little about how they are actually feeling. 

Our church is pretty good and quite honestly I have made some good friendships. That's because I have let my guard down to allow them to be a friend. Now him and I meet a Burger King every other week. I am going to start going to a men's Bible study on Tuesday mornings. I don't know the guys but in order to get to know people I have to step outside of my comfort zone. Personally my comfort zone is I don't want anyone getting close to me. If you feel that your church isn't satisfying your friendship needs maybe you need to search your own heart and life and see if you are trying to be a friend. 

I've seen too many people leave a church because it wasn't friendly enough. These people normally do not get involved serving in the church or being part of studies, ministries, etc. It's a sad fact that shouldn't take place.

Just some thoughts.

[shel]

Abby google the name of your town and "Vineyard church". They may have a website but its hard to tell what a church is like from a website. I wish I could invite you to my church!!

Maybe try out a home group before diving into sunday morning?

Edited October 27, 2016 by shel
thought of another suggestion

[shel]

lol I keep trying to upvote your posts cause I keep forgetting I've already reached my quota of upvotes for the day 

[Jaydog1976]

8 minutes ago, shel said:

I feel out-of-place in most churches. The only church I've ever really felt at home in is the Vineyard. And I also prefer small group settings where real connecting and individual ministry can happen. I bet there is a Vineyard church near you.

While I believe that those in Vineyard churches are saved the problem with them is that they focus on experience versus what the Bible actually teaches. Emotionalism because the standard of how God speaks to us and this is not biblical even by a long shot. Yes God created us to have emotion but we are to exercise self control. I have been in similar type churches and most will teach that you have to experience God is some outward manifestation such as tongues, healing, etc. Personally, just from my study, I don't believe these things exist anymore but if someone believes they do then more power to them. I just caution that these things do not control your life and that God's Word becomes second. 

What I would suggest is find a good church that teaches God's Word as it says. Get in there, work on making friends and if, after you have tried your hardest to make friends and no body responds to your friendship, then find another church. Just don't be lazy and expect people to befriend you if you aren't trying to be a friend. I can guarantee you that they are doing the exact same thing you are doing. 

[Dabby26]

There are truths to each of these statements.  However, I think ThePatriot2016 gave the most helpful answer from my point of view.   If we go with a heart of seeking others who may be hurting worse than ourselves, then in the process God seems to work healing in our own struggles.  I attended church for years with basically the same mindset, judging the church because I thought it was going to be one big family and I would be accepted for who I am there.  But I have found out that those kinds of relationships come more readily in the setting of home Bible study gatherings.  I would say that the most important thing is to pick a person in whom you can readily see the fruits of the Spirit and who is consciously giving place to the Holy Spirit to take the lead.  I have the fortune of being in a group like this.  Sometimes you cannot share your heart of hearts with everyone, but there may be someone Spirit-filled who has or is going through the same things you are and there may be 1 or 2 people with  whom you can share your deepest struggles with.  Like as with Jesus, he had a group of 12, then he had a tighter knit group of 3, so I think this is a model.  I have truly found a home in my small group and thank God for the fellowship and friendship I have come to know.  Much blessings.  Dabby26

 

Edited October 27, 2016 by Dabby26