Kay. Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/02/2018 Status: Offline Share Posted March 2, 2018 So, hello everyone. Sharing something personal, so here goes... I've been married 18 months and I am realising that I'm married to a man who lacks communication skills. Don't know how other husbands are... But he doesn't talk much with me even after I've requested that I need him to talk with me more (and I plan dates etc to make this happen but still even there he'll be silent). He makes no effort with things that make me happy like he's never bought me flowers, never randomly text or called, hasn't initiated quality time and dates etc. He has stopped initiating and making effort. I feel he's going through something and I ask him if anything is bothering him but he says no. I know there's some tension due to a work issue but we are managing well. What advice can you give? PS... we are Christians and go to church. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willa Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 68 Topic Count: 186 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 14,242 Content Per Day: 3.33 Reputation: 16,656 Days Won: 30 Joined: 08/14/2012 Status: Offline Share Posted March 2, 2018 List the things that you do like about him. Tell him the things you admire about him and tell him how thankful you are for him. He may be an introverted person who just wants peace and quiet when he gets home. It is your job to appreciate him and meet his emotional needs. Perhaps he will take more interest in time as well and communicate more. 1Pe 3:1 AMP -- IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, 1Pe 3:2 When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GandalfTheWise Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Royal Member Followers: 24 Topic Count: 40 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 1,459 Content Per Day: 0.60 Reputation: 2,377 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/23/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted March 2, 2018 1 hour ago, Kay. said: So, hello everyone. Sharing something personal, so here goes... I've been married 18 months and I am realising that I'm married to a man who lacks communication skills. Don't know how other husbands are... But he doesn't talk much with me even after I've requested that I need him to talk with me more (and I plan dates etc to make this happen but still even there he'll be silent). He makes no effort with things that make me happy like he's never bought me flowers, never randomly text or called, hasn't initiated quality time and dates etc. He has stopped initiating and making effort. I feel he's going through something and I ask him if anything is bothering him but he says no. I know there's some tension due to a work issue but we are managing well. What advice can you give? PS... we are Christians and go to church. Speaking as someone coming up on 35 years of marriage this summer, there's a lot to learn. Once you do, it can help a lot. For example, we are in insane period right now, 2nd grandchild born a few days ago, we're getting our house ready to sell (after 22 years in one place), one of our kid's family is moving too. This morning, I went downstairs to finish cleaning out my part of the basement and found my wife had emptied the entire contents of the storage room all over to the point where it was impossible to walk without tripping over something. I couldn't even carry an armload of books from my desk to a bookshelf 10 feet away. She had her favorite music playing (which was not mine). After about 15 minutes, I was about ready to explode from frustration. I just stopped her, said, "we need to talk for about 60 seconds. Do you remember the Laugh Your Way video about mens' brains/womens' brains?" She said yes. I said, "do you remember how men's brains consist of boxes and yours consists of tons of things that all need to get done?" She said yes. I said, "I need to focus on one thing at a time. I want to try to do one thing at a time right now and I am so overwhelmed by the clutter I do not even know where to start." She said, "oh...." A few minutes later she offered to turn off the music (without me asking) and just started pointing out what to do. It ended up being a long, but productive day. 30+ years ago, this would not have ended quite so gracefully. The day probably would have ended by going to bed with each of us on our edge of the bed as far as we could get from the other. Some of the better materials we've learned from are: Shanti Feldhahn has 2 nice books, For Women Only, and For Men Only. One of the huge insights I got out of For Men Only was that many women have tons of random thoughts and worries show up (likened to computer pop up windows that will not disappear) and that when my wife gets concerned about it, she cannot just forget about it, I need to help her resolve it to close out the pop up windows that are bothering her. That's basically what I've been doing the past couple of weeks with everything going on. Mark Gungor (a pastor in Green Bay) has been doing a seminar called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage". The DVDs from this are useful. It's the only set of DVDs we've ever bought from any seminar. On YouTube, a search for "Mark Gungor The Nothing Box Part 1" is a nice (and humorous) presentation of how many women and men tend to think differently from each other. Another book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley (an experienced marriage counselor) has some good insights as well. Many loving Christian couples get into trouble because each partner treats the other just as they would expect to be treated, and have no clue that their partner wants to be treated differently than that. They each start assuming the other wants exactly what they want and start to wonder why they are not always getting a positive reaction when they do that. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SisterActs2 Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 23 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,000 Content Per Day: 0.37 Reputation: 1,655 Days Won: 1 Joined: 11/27/2016 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/08/1950 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Hi Kay. Firstly, welcome! Good to meet you. I have been married to the same wonderful man for 29 years this month. Hallelujah! I love him to bits. But communication has been a problem. Kay., men (in general) do not like to explain a lot. They might tell you something and, when you ask for details ('cos we want to know all about it) they can't always elaborate. They are short on detail. Getting some information is like pulling hens' teeth! I have to be honest - this has been a source of frustration at times. Somehow, in the meeting, going out with, spending time with your future spouse, the wedding, honeymoon etc. the communication thing does not always appear. Then, when things settle down, you find he doesn't always want to share everything. There are many reasons for this. Willa and Gandalf have shared wisdom, received from God over many years. I think my husband sometimes goes silent because he does have concerns that he feels he wants to be quiet about - in other words, he wants to see how something turns out before worrying me. He has to put up with someone who shares her opinions and frustrations a lot! We are so different. Work with him - accept him the way he is and love him and pray for him. You loved each other enough to take the big step. Over time my hubby learned what I was like, and I learned about him. I learned to get eye contact before broaching a serious question, and not to bother talking while he was watching his sport. I find driving in the car conducive to communication, as well - there's no distractions except looking out the window (until you have children). On the other hand, he's a funny guy. He makes everyone laugh and has learned to share more with me. As you become more "best friends" I believe you will find that he will share more. It's just being patient and praying, and showing faith in him. I don't know if it will, but I hope this helps. I have rarely seen a marriage when both parties talk as much as the other. With most couples one is more vocal, the other is quieter. I love Proverbs 31! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK1110 Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 22 Topic Count: 87 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 6,872 Content Per Day: 2.42 Reputation: 9,606 Days Won: 4 Joined: 07/18/2016 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/10/1986 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Sometimes it may be because he doesn't want to burden you. Men want to take on the burden and fight it alone. It's natural for a lot of us. Have you spoken with a pastor and gotten their counseling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Adams Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 25 Topic Count: 61 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 9,605 Content Per Day: 3.97 Reputation: 7,795 Days Won: 21 Joined: 09/11/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted March 2, 2018 In my mind Willa's advice is good. Some others are also helpful. Mine decided she would tell me she no longer trusted my judgement. From there it went down hill as 'others' jumped on that band-wagon and sure enough there was soon an overwhelming amount of anecdotal evidence, labels and all kinds of internet information to prove her points. Once the woman starts down that slippery slope (she cannot see it of course) it is a self perpetuating monster that is fed by all kinds of demonic influence to keep it well kindled and alive. If you trust your man, say so and say it often. If you think he understands stuff you do not, say so and do not expect an explanation. Man, in the Image of the Father, desires trust as does He. We have His attributes, so understand well what the Lord requires of you and then as the woman in the situation treat your man the way you treat your God. And I do not mean worship and silliness like that, but give the respect and the the love you would afford the Lord God in whos image your man was made. This idea of course has been taken to mean all kinds of weirdness, but just think clearly about this and appropriate an attitude that will please God. In my case, long travel hours with the job, much financial pressure when not needed, Obamacare premiums major increase necessitating early retirement, irascible kids and a partner prone to outburst of rage and much critical and depressive 'events'. It is a pile dirty words today to say what Willa said. However, Biblical wisdom in these areas has always trumped man's sloppy and fuzzy 'equality' nonsense. If you want equality, do not get married is my advice. The Lord's ideas of servant-hood go against the grain - AKA Genesis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enoob57 Posted March 2, 2018 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 35 Topic Count: 100 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 41,172 Content Per Day: 7.98 Reputation: 21,446 Days Won: 76 Joined: 03/13/2010 Status: Online Birthday: 07/27/1957 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Well you've sealed yourself in vow both to God and him... the only way you can live with this and remain unfulfilled is through the power of God's love 1 Cor 13:4-5 4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; KJV If you seek to keep that which does not satisfy you in you own strength and effort your marriage will fail... however you have this promise from God Ps 37:4-5 4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. KJV Prayed... Love, Steven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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