What was it?

[Jacquis]

Hi.

Long story short I met an old friend who wanted a no strings attached (but loyal) relationship. We both came from bad past relationships, both been alone since (4 years and 8 years), and I was somewhat ok with it. But every time he tried anything I backed away. He was quite patient (though he told me to quit playing with him). But whenever I tried to explain my beliefs; that I needed to get to know him better first because once I made that jump I was bound to him for life (that is my personal Christian belief), he turned nasty and told me to delete his number (we're finished). That happened twice. 

It hurts, and even though it was only a couple of months together I can't stop thinking about him. Was I unreasonable to not just give him what he wanted in today's world, with the possibility he could change? I didn't know if I could trust him, or even if he was telling the truth he'd been with no one in years, which is why I needed time to get to know him better, why couldn't he understand that?

Help would be appretiated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Jacquis

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom Jacquis, 

Difficult situation. The heart can lead us in all kinds of tricky situations...

I'd say tread very carefully here sister. Yes, in this day and age, it's very difficult to find someone you connect with and also have the same beliefs with. But your post almost feels like your subconscious flagging up the alert to yourself. 

Try this experiment. Forget this man for a moment and read your post as if someone else posted it. What would you advise? 

Don't ever give anything to man because of emotional manipulation or pressure. It's surely not going to then turn into a magically happy outcome. You have to feel right and at peace about it or regret will likely follow (at the least) and he would then be aware that he can pressure you when needs be. 

I realise you must be pretty hurt about this and thinking about it a lot but be of good cheer sister. To me, it sounds like you have saved yourself from years of forthcoming confusion and heartache, if that has been the starting foundation. Sometimes, with relationships, you can be tempted with negative worldly options intentionally before the right one crosses your path. But when the right one comes along, you will know, and a sign will be that you won't need help here. 

I hope that makes some kind of sense! 

Love & Shalom 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Tzephanyahu

[Jacquis]

Shalom Tzeohanyahu,

Your reply makes perfect sense, and is along the same line as most (and sometimes even my subconscious), are telling me. 

But I have been praying and can't help thinking that maybe I could have saved him somehow. He didn't believe in God, but his best friend since childhood is a pastor who is saving many people.

I have this feeling that God will help him. Maybe one day he will understand me, and why I wasn't so easy. 

It is the first man I have been involved with in eight years, and it hurts.

I realized through this I don't like being alone. But everyone else seem like strangers, where I knew this guy when we were younger, so he seems safer than anyone else I don't know.

I need to have faith, and leave it in God's hands, and pray for him.

Much love, and thank you.

 

 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Jacquis

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom sister,

I can understand your heart intention and I feel for you in this situation. It's like "so close, yet so far"

The Scripture does talk about the believing partner sanctifying the non-believing partner. But that seems to assume that the couple are already married at the time that one of them converted.

We can't pull people into the Kingdom with our own timescales, as I'm sure you agree. Yes, God may have called him but the moment of his conversion may be in his 80s, or it could be tomorrow, or it could be never at all.  But, whatever his destiny, you shouldn't compromise yourself with the motivation of appeasement under pressure.  As well as this, your motivation for staying with him shouldn't really be on a reliance of history and relative safety.  

Before I met my wife, I came out of a relationship that was toxic for me and remained single for about 6 years. The next, fairly decent person, I met after seemed like the "light at the end of tunnel" relationship. But it was a relationship built mainly on hope not facts.  Alas, the secret manipulation proved she wasn't the one.  The next partner I had, I actually had a history with, she was very kind and sweet and again I HOPED that she would be the one more that I actually believed it subconsciously.  Things didn't feel right. It felt like "settling", so we parted.  I started to think I would remain alone for the sake of ease and "closing the door" on that area of my life.  Then I met the woman who became my wife and everything just worked.  Yes, there were challenges at first, but nothing like from the previous relationships. There was a basis of an innocent true love and there was no manipulation or control, but respect and selflessness. I don't know why I'm really telling you all of this other than for encouragement, I guess. 

My point is, that you definitely don't want to be kicking yourself later going "I knew it! I knew there was something off! Why did I ignore that feeling!" I've been there and nothing can make you feel more foolish.  But, if you two are meant to be and God saves him through Yahushua (Jesus), then he will bring you two together in a way that feels totally right and reassuring to you. 

So, I think you are right with what you say. Hand your relationship over to Father - which means to be willing to give it up IF that's the conviction He gives you. 

Yahweh surely has good plans for us but sometimes to reach them we need to jump blindly into a void with no rope.

Just my opinion. But whatever your next steps are, think deeply and trust your instincts.

Love & Shalom 

[dr3032]

Was he looking at you... Or was he looking at your body? Did he like you, or did he merely like the idea of you?

I think everyone gets a little lonely, and our minds just respond to that. I've even had a woman just say "hello" before and my mind was shooting off like oh no is she into me, how can I respond in a way that makes me look cool, why did I choose today to wear these torn old pants, stuff like that. Plenty of women before who looked nice to me, but it wasn't meant to be. Plenty of women who I thought I liked, but I came to realize I only liked the idea of them - a childhood friend, a highschool hook-up, swooping in on this struggling mother and making things right... You know, the stuff you might find in a romance movie or book, unrealistic as they are.

Whatever he was there for, it likely wasn't you yourself. He either liked your looks or he had an idea about you, a sort of "fantasy" you, so to speak, rather than the actual you. Given his impatience and this "no strings" deal, i'm thinking he was interested in a lewd endeavor. He may have tried to make you feel guilty about it, but I wouldn't feel so bad. Odd as it is, i've had women approach who I think were in it merely for the physical aspect. When you can take a step back and realize that they're just looking for a quick hit-and-run, they almost become laughable. They look at your body like an object, even worse as something to be used rather than valued.

He would not have changed; you would have merely been giving him what he wanted. Think of it like a little boy who wants his parent to buy one of those matchbox car toys. The parent knows the boy will only play with it for a short time, and then it will be set aside to collect dust. He will want another toy car, or maybe a different toy altogether. The parent might see this toy as a pointless expenditure, or might not have the money to spare for it. In saying no, the little boy whines and grumbles and throws a right little temper tantrum. "But the car is SO COOL," he pines, "You NEVER let me have cool things." If you give in and buy him the car, he learns nothing beyond how he can use you. If you insist on saying no, he might not like you for it, but it teaches him much more in the long run.

Remain patient. If there is a guy out there for you, he will come along eventually. A man of the faith, a man more interested in you rather than your body or some whacky idea of you. I would also advise becoming friends, first. Part of why you liked this guy is that you already knew him, so you just have to get to know someone first. Like I said, remain patient; being hasty and rushing things never works. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by dr3032

[wingnut-]

18 hours ago, Jacquis said:

Hi.

Long story short I met an old friend who wanted a no strings attached (but loyal) relationship. We both came from bad past relationships, both been alone since (4 years and 8 years), and I was somewhat ok with it. But every time he tried anything I backed away. He was quite patient (though he told me to quit playing with him). But whenever I tried to explain my beliefs; that I needed to get to know him better first because once I made that jump I was bound to him for life (that is my personal Christian belief), he turned nasty and told me to delete his number (we're finished). That happened twice. 

It hurts, and even though it was only a couple of months together I can't stop thinking about him. Was I unreasonable to not just give him what he wanted in today's world, with the possibility he could change? I didn't know if I could trust him, or even if he was telling the truth he'd been with no one in years, which is why I needed time to get to know him better, why couldn't he understand that?

Help would be appretiated.

 

 

You made the right choice, there is a more modern term used for the type of relationship he wants.  I'm not going to say what it is, but dust yourself off from this and find yourself a decent fellow.

God bless

[Jacquis]

21 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

 

 

Shalom Tzephanyahu.

 

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I started to think I would remain alone for the sake of ease and "closing the door" on that area of my life. 

 

That's exactly how I'm feeling today. I have been fine on my own for eight years, and then I meet a guy and I get all self concious and now I can't stop thinking about him, can't even walk through town without fearing I might bump into him or he's in his car watching me. I hate the feeling.

 

Quote

Then I met the woman who became my wife and everything just worked.  Yes, there were challenges at first, but nothing like from the previous relationships. There was a basis of an innocent true love and there was no manipulation or control, but respect and selflessness. I don't know why I'm really telling you all of this other than for encouragement, I guess. 

 

That si lovely, thank you for sharing.

 

Quote

My point is, that you definitely don't want to be kicking yourself later going "I knew it! I knew there was something off! Why did I ignore that feeling!" I've been there and nothing can make you feel more foolish. 

 

I have been there too. With my ex I knew something was wrong and felt uncomfortable from day one. I don't seem to learn well I do but I still get attached.

 

Quote

But, if you two are meant to be and God saves him through Yahushua (Jesus), then he will bring you two together in a way that feels totally right and reassuring to you. 

 

Amen brother.

Thank you

[Jacquis]

On 2/12/2019 at 4:59 AM, Dove said:

Avoid no strings attached relationships.  They aren't healthy, especially for a Christian who isn't interested in having sexual relations with a partner who isn't their spouse.  This guy already showed you his ill intent and on top of that he doesn't believe in God so breaking up with him was the right thing to do.  Move on and don't look back.  You can pray for his betterment.

Yes thank you. I have been reading up on no strings attached relationships, and they are no good.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Jacquis

[Jacquis]

16 hours ago, dr3032 said:

 

 

Hey Dr3032

Quote

He would not have changed; you would have merely been giving him what he wanted. Think of it like a little boy who wants his parent to buy one of those matchbox car toys. The parent knows the boy will only play with it for a short time, and then it will be set aside to collect dust. He will want another toy car, or maybe a different toy altogether. The parent might see this toy as a pointless expenditure, or might not have the money to spare for it. In saying no, the little boy whines and grumbles and throws a right little temper tantrum. "But the car is SO COOL," he pines, "You NEVER let me have cool things." If you give in and buy him the car, he learns nothing beyond how he can use you. If you insist on saying no, he might not like you for it, but it teaches him much more in the long run.

 

Very true and good analogy.

 

Quote

Remain patient. If there is a guy out there for you, he will come along eventually. A man of the faith, a man more interested in you rather than your body or some whacky idea of you. I would also advise becoming friends, first. Part of why you liked this guy is that you already knew him, so you just have to get to know someone first. Like I said, remain patient; being hasty and rushing things never works. 

 

Yep. I asked this guy if we could just be friends (again) and he said no, that he has 'lots of female friends and it gets difficult with their partners'. On the other hand my daughter has a good male friend who is crazy over her - he's a Christian too. He's happy to just be friends with her because it means he can still see her! 

[Jacquis]

6 hours ago, wingnut- said:

 

You made the right choice, there is a more modern term used for the type of relationship he wants.  I'm not going to say what it is, but dust yourself off from this and find yourself a decent fellow.

God bless

 

Hey Wingnut.

I'm trying to dust myself off and move on, it's just hard. I keep going over everything in my head and think I could have been a bit more tactful in some ways.