is it a sin..

[Dennis1209]

19 hours ago, integrity said:

Is it a sin to not like someone? bit of back story...we rented a house from inlaws, they sold their house and moved in with us without consulting us. My mil has always since day one praised her daughter and daughter in law and basically  never outright said it but insinuated they are "better" than me. For a few years I has the feeling she didnt love me but I've been nothing but kind to her and courteous. I didnt think that a christian person can dislike their family member for no reason. She has never complimented me as a housewife a person a mother anything at all. She interferes with my parenting in the worst ways. To the point where my 5 yr old disrespects me and does not listen. I stood up for myself and she ended up telling my husband I'm crazy and theres something wrong with me, my kids dont love me I'm a abusive(I assure you I am not) she undermines my authority and makes passive aggressive comments talking to me or with company. I know she will never change. I cant even approach her with this because she will deny it all. In conclusion. I do not like her anymore. im the kind of person that after you trample on me a few times I cant trust you anymore I just cant. I want her to be well I wish her happiness and blessings but I do not want a relationship with her. Is that okay? I dont want to be a martyr to a fellow christian. She should know better. shes been "christian" her whole life. I dont think she has any mental issues that would excuse her nasty fake sweet cutting comments. My mom says to apologize to her for anything I could've said to offend her. I told my mom my existence offends her should I apologize for that? Needless to say I do not like to ask my mom for advice.

I debated with myself whether to respond to your question; I'm not a councilor or advisor, but can share my thoughts if I were in your place [I'm a man though].

Proverbs 22:7 (KJV) The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.

Something is not kosher here; you said you are renting from your in-laws, that means you're paying to rent the dwelling, and I suspect you're paying low rent and there is no lease or any type of an agreement, am I correct? There's usually more to the story going on, when an outsider or anyone gets only one side of the story from their point of view? With no lease / rent agreement, it could be considered and looked at as you are living with them, as your in-laws are the owners. I have no idea why someone would be so bold as to move in with you without you and your husbands permission and consent?

By selling their house and moving in with you, you didn't mention the reason they sold their house and moved in with you? Are your in-laws temporarily with you until they find another home or, hello; we're a permanent live in part of your lives now?

Being married means you are one flesh and should be of one accord [that doesn't mean differences of opinion, feelings, emotions, etc.]. When someone is dependent on someone else for their basic needs or anything, they are subservient to the provider, and not independent. Right or wrong, if you're dependent on them for a place to live or are in debt to them, see Proverbs 22:7. 

Romans 13:8 (KJV) Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

Something must be keeping you there?

[integrity]

Dennis I understand where you're coming from. We were in need we had an agreement, were not living off them for free. We paid for the Bill's and mortgage on this house for them while we lived here that was the agreement. No it was not written but that's what was done. They planned to move down here eventually after we built our house and moved out. Husband got a temp position that was promised full time but because of covid did not become officially full time. They moved down here for some reason not known to is before us even starting building. Husband didnt  ask his parents their reasoning because he didnt kbow how to say it without being rude. So I dont know why they decided to sell their house and move in without consulting us.

Edited September 4, 2020 by integrity
too much info

[enoob57]

21 hours ago, integrity said:

Is it a sin to not like someone? bit of back story...we rented a house from inlaws, they sold their house and moved in with us without consulting us. My mil has always since day one praised her daughter and daughter in law and basically  never outright said it but insinuated they are "better" than me. For a few years I has the feeling she didnt love me but I've been nothing but kind to her and courteous. I didnt think that a christian person can dislike their family member for no reason. She has never complimented me as a housewife a person a mother anything at all. She interferes with my parenting in the worst ways. To the point where my 5 yr old disrespects me and does not listen. I stood up for myself and she ended up telling my husband I'm crazy and theres something wrong with me, my kids dont love me I'm a abusive(I assure you I am not) she undermines my authority and makes passive aggressive comments talking to me or with company. I know she will never change. I cant even approach her with this because she will deny it all. In conclusion. I do not like her anymore. im the kind of person that after you trample on me a few times I cant trust you anymore I just cant. I want her to be well I wish her happiness and blessings but I do not want a relationship with her. Is that okay? I dont want to be a martyr to a fellow christian. She should know better. shes been "christian" her whole life. I dont think she has any mental issues that would excuse her nasty fake sweet cutting comments. My mom says to apologize to her for anything I could've said to offend her. I told my mom my existence offends her should I apologize for that? Needless to say I do not like to ask my mom for advice.

This will be straight to the point we (the born of God) are not here for but one reason- to reach those who are perishing or to help family of God out of the lies that they are trapped in.... We know God cannot be mocked and He takes no pleasure in any of the above scenarios and do we not want Him to be pleased in all things even if it causes us pain in bringing that about but by prayer and dying to ones self we are to be used by Him for His good pleasure  Prayed.... Love, Steven

[integrity]

Yeah I can understand what you're enoob. But when my childrens wellbeing is at stake I dont think that answer suffices. She can say what she wants to me and dislike me. But surely I'm not supposed to sit back and have her destroy my children.

[Alive]

8 hours ago, Willa said:

 2Ti 4:14 Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm. May the Lord repay him according to his works.  2Ti 4:15. You also must beware of him, for he has greatly resisted our words.

I also have a cousin who has been abusive toward me for 70 years.  I have finally given up on her.   She is supposed to be a Christian but continues to lure me into trusting her again and then deals treacherously with me.  A few years ago I finally said no, I don't need this.  Enough is enough. I can forgive you but I can't trust you.  I am not bitter toward her but truly saddened and wondering how genuine her faith is that she would treat another Christian so cruely.  I still tend to believe the best of people.  Love believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.  But we don't have to be stupid.  There are some people who are just dangerous and cruel and we don't need to place ourselves or our families in harm's way.

Amen! The key here is to beware of the root of bitterness in such situations.

[RonaldBruno]

Move! 

Disliking people is something that comes from your core being. You can't change that. Relationships share ups and downs. But if they are always down, then you need to end it. Jesus said forgive our brothers and sisters their sins 70 x 7 times. And also if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us.

There has always been an interesting aspect to those principles. We must ask God for forgiveness to receive forgiveness and many don't. Does He still forgive them? If so, Judgment Day would not be part of the Bible.

Likewise, if someone keeps sinning against you and does not ask nor intend to ask for your forgiveness, can you forgive them? Yes, but that does not change who they are or will it stop them from doing it again. "By their fruit you will know them."

This means you must separate yourself from this person. Love your enemies means don't return evil with evil, just pray for them and move on. The forgiveness on your part is more for you. Kill them with kindness they say - but for how long before it drains you? You release negative feelings that way and then it is on them. If you hold onto grudges, that is unhealthy.

As some have mentioned? Toxic people take away your grace, your joy and peace. They harm jn other ways too as you have mentioned.

Before you go, make sure you tell her how she made you feel - details. She needs a to know. She'll try to deny it or argue about it. There's nothing to argue about, they are your feelings and the are real and her words spoken and actions are facts. Just tell her you are leaving to regain the grace, joy and peace you once had and will pray for her to have the same.

 

[JohnDB]

Boundaries, Boundaries Boundaries.

Something that you can do TODAY is tell her the line that she must not cross. 

That means that where she is the grandmother, she isn't the kids mother...your husband didn't marry her to have these children... you did. You can be a mother bear about this...you got every right to be one. Have absolutely no conscience about it. You don't need to be rude but her belittling of you especially in front of the children is outrageous and absolutely not to be stood for. If she does it explain to the children that "Grandma is getting ugly and senile and we need to get away from her until she comes to her senses again" and immediately leave her to go play outside or anywhere she is not. If the kids act up based upon something"Granny" has said that usually is grounds for corporal punishment... willful defiance always and instantly got that in my house. It wasn't ever a problem. Yes, listening and encouraging to speak your mind was done but willful defiance was the spanking line. Other infractions were time outs and loss of privileges. But also good behavior was rewarded. 

It's a cat fight for sure...but that you haven't recognized it yet is the real problem here. Hey, it's great that you want to get along and all...but your MIL doesn't want to. Hubby? He's a guy who is just a bit clueless and is more concerned about providing than domestic issues and just wants everyone to get along. He won't get it...it's his mom being evil...he is used to her being a loving mom. The other side of her he can't/won't see. Get used to that idea. 

But remind him that you are his wife and best friend... you are the number one woman in his life and he married you to look out for the things he doesn't/can't understand that can destroy your home. And that he needs to have some faith in you about this. 

Go get her!

[integrity]

So sorry I havent been back to comment on this. But yes ronaldbruno and johndb..I agree with all things said. I know we have to move. Our parents clearly were not thinking to the point where I think there must be something mentally wrong with them or they are narcissists...they knew we had land to build our house and the agreement was for us to pay rent and Bill's for this house until we had ours built. They decided to up and move out of their house in with us without letting us know they were putting their house on the market. That's the root of the issue here. Like they knew we had no way to leave especially since husbnad JUST got hired and a house takes usually around 6-8 months to build. My husband knows what she is. At first he didnt believe it but he knows how much I love him and I wouldn't put him through needless pain just because I was annoyed with his mom. He notices it too. She only ever makes jabs at me when it's just me and the kids. When company was over she made jabs at me and he called her out on it. He sees her passive agressilveness now. I know I have to tell her what shes done to me. I dont think she will ever change but I do believe I need to be open with her. I just feel helpless because I dont know how to say it.

 

ETA I just feel trapped, i dont want to be here but we have no where else to go. God willing our house will be done in a few months. But I am just gonna have to start telling her any time she offers any unsolicited or unwanted comments mil you are going to respect me as a mother if you want to have a relationship with your grandkids. They are mine, I'm their mother and if I want you advice I'll ask for it. As for the snide comments lol just call her out on it. I know what you're doing, its unkind, you can stop now. I dont care who she is. As a fellow sister in Christ, shes has no authority over me and sure as heck none over my children.

Edited September 7, 2020 by integrity

[appy]

I also agree that the best course of action to move to another place, away from your in-laws. Being kind, pleasant and respectful and forgiving is good and wholesome in spite of another person's unwholesome actions. It is NOT wrong to want to get away from a contentious environment. In Acts, we read that Paul and Barnabas had a strong disagreement over Barnabas's nephew John Mark. Paul did not trust the Nephew because of the nephew's actions of abandonment. So strong was the disagreement that they parted because there was no remedy to the contention between them. Didn't mean that they hated each other, but that the separation was a means of being at peace with one another. God likes things to be in harmony. A home filled with strife and contention as you describe is not peaceful or living in harmony. By moving you are NOT showing disrespect, but wisdom because there is no remedy to be reached between you and your in-laws.

[integrity]

Thank you appy, I will refer to this thread often to remind myself of the righteous way to act in this situation. I feel so bothered here I feel like I am going to be trapped in this situation forever. That can't possibly be Gods will can it? For me to be stuck living  with a person who not only doesnt like me but ruins the peace in my home and heart? I know God tests us but what good can come from this? I'm afraid of being trapped here forever or having to ever live with them again. I told my husbnad I would run away and be homeless before I ever let that happen again.