Finding a Church Family

[LittlePebble10]

My parents have just recently changed Churches. My little sister has three more years before going to college. To say that I am excited is an understatement. My parents used to share the responsibilities of the Bible Study group on Sunday mornings between the morning and noon services/sermons. I understood their reasons behind it and I was anxious to meet new people. Perhaps get a fresh start to a church family. All my friends I had either moved to a place for their career or they are still doing school in one form or another. I was never capable of learning in a classroom without my autistic needs being met in some way. My sketch noting where I kept up in the lessons was a hit or miss in every class. Either it was allowed or it was limited. Essentially I could not make it with my autism in general. 

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So, getting the chance to be closer to my little sister was a big relief. Ever since I moved to a different city an hour away has done a number on my relationship with my family. It has not helped how politics been splitting my family and friends apart. I was able to talk to my mother about everything. I had a sinking feeling she was intentionally distancing me from my sister for some reason. My little sister shares my passion for art, crafts, and music. We even took lessons from the same music teacher on piano. I pushed those suspicions aside to see if there was anyway I could provide necessary distance where my little sister could enjoy her friendships. Essentially I put my sisters social life as the highest of priority. The last thing I want is to over crowed her and her friends. I do share the same concerns as my mother. However, if I have to wear a mask just to make new friends of my own then I feel like I should forget it. I am not entirely sure how I can reconnect to my local church because of covid. I don't drive and the limits that covid enforces has made getting there very difficult. 

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My mother had confirmed my fears about her new social groups and both of us felt hurt in many ways. My mother wanted me to fit into a cultural box that she describes as social norms. I wanted to meet the new Church family and was denied because of my autistic needs. I know what a lot of people are going to say and I am aware that I am different. I don't need to be reminded of this. The only thing its been doing is making things more painful then they need to be. I take the scriptures in their proper context very seriously and that sometimes gets me attacked on both sides. People feel uncomfortable around me because I don't support LGBT+. On the other side people feel uncomfortable around me because they think I am active in that subculture. I have many friends who are active in this subculture. However, they put aside our differences to maintain our friendship. Sometimes I feel a lot closer to my atheist friends then I do with some Christians that I been trying so hard to build a friendship with.

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The good news is that my mother has become open to compromise. The bad news is that I have a a struggle to become close to my sister before she goes to college in three years. This has put me in a very difficult position where I am trying to maintain my religion while I am struggling with my autism. Being told to leave Church has been emotionally and spiritually damaging. Its like Church has become nothing more than a social club. You either change and become like them or you leave. My mother told me that I am not allowed in her new Church unless I become a different person or at minimal appear to be a different person with a metaphorical mask. I always felt welcomed with my families home Church until they recently moved to a new one. I need a different perspective I suppose. At minimal I am asking for advice on how I should go about this without destroying my relationship with my family. 

[LittlePebble10]

Bump...

I want to give this thread one last try. Just to clarify I do want to get closer to my sister. I am willing to provide distance where she can build her own social life. However, I do want her to know that I am there for her any time she needs and I do want to spend time with her as a brother. I just need help trying to establish some sort of agreement with my family. Like I said politics and living an hour away has created problems with my family. I am kind of worried that reconnecting to my local Church may not work out. 

[WayneS]

  At some point in time as people mature, they need to be their own man or woman. In earlier times this used to have that happen in the teenage years because of hard times, in current society this may not happen till peoples 20s or 30s or sometimes never. One has to realize what a crutch is and determine if they want to continue to use the crotch or not.
  Agonizing over what others will think of you, and possibly using your autism as a crutch, is a difficult combination. Determine what you want. I found out in life that I can’t make everybody happy. I have found out that I pick and choose what I want to optimize in my life and pursue that. Sometimes at the expense of other things or relationships. That’s just how life is.

  I have seen people, even people in their 50s and 60s, trying to please everybody, and that just doesn’t work. I have found that people who sit back and look at their life, then determine their near term and long term goals and put together a plan to achieve them often find success. They also often develop a personality that have a "courage of their convictions”. I had plans I started 30 years ago that is yielding fruit today.

  I hope it doesn’t seem that I’m coming on too strong, since I don’t know you I’ve only literally interpreted your post.

I wish you the best.

[LittlePebble10]

On 9/20/2020 at 11:55 AM, WayneS said:

  At some point in time as people mature, they need to be their own man or woman. In earlier times this used to have that happen in the teenage years because of hard times, in current society this may not happen till peoples 20s or 30s or sometimes never. One has to realize what a crutch is and determine if they want to continue to use the crotch or not.
  Agonizing over what others will think of you, and possibly using your autism as a crutch, is a difficult combination. Determine what you want. I found out in life that I can’t make everybody happy. I have found out that I pick and choose what I want to optimize in my life and pursue that. Sometimes at the expense of other things or relationships. That’s just how life is.

  I have seen people, even people in their 50s and 60s, trying to please everybody, and that just doesn’t work. I have found that people who sit back and look at their life, then determine their near term and long term goals and put together a plan to achieve them often find success. They also often develop a personality that have a "courage of their convictions”. I had plans I started 30 years ago that is yielding fruit today.

  I hope it doesn’t seem that I’m coming on too strong, since I don’t know you I’ve only literally interpreted your post.

I wish you the best.

I find your over all response helpful. Just to clarify though; my autism is not a crutch. Its there whether I want it to be or not. I fight my disability daily. I use different methods in order to live life realistically. I don't have a drivers license because I am still trying to understand my anxiety. I refuse to be on the road if I don't know how I am going to handle my anxiety. A car moves across the ground a tool such as a band saw stands in one place. If I am feeling anxious and something does not seem right I can turn off my band saw and avoid injury. If a become anxious band the wheal there is no emergency stop button like there is on a band saw or a power tool in general. I have to drive until I am in a safe place. Under the American Law a drivers license is a privilege not a right.

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The reason I bring up driving is because its a very real world example of how my disability makes my life difficult. Being independent is not easy. Especially when your parents pay half your rent and provide transportation between cities. If I can over come my disability to become independent even while look strange then so be it. Other than that your words do help confirm that I have to stop trying to please people. I been asked to stay away from church activities in the past because of how I overcome my disability. If I can reconnect with my local Church; however, I might be able to reasonably attend a Church. I just hate how I can't see the last three years of my sisters school years. She will be going to college and who knows whether or not she will send me messages or pictures of her passions. She has inspired me greatly with her art. She can draw hair like its nothing. I am still trying to get the hang of rendering hair, but I do enjoy being around her when I can.

[R. Hartono]

Give your heart to Jesus n ask his guidance of Holy Spirit, life is so short n nothing is worthy but to live Godly.

Jesus bless you.

[Who me]

F

On 9/19/2020 at 6:07 PM, LittlePebble10 said:

Being told to leave Church has been emotionally and spiritually damaging.

Why were you told to leave church?  What reason we're you given?

 

What does your sister say about keeping in touch with you?

 

How does your local church do services under the civic restrictions? Do they have an online service, can you access it, do they have any on line fellowship groups and could you join them?

 

[LittlePebble10]

5 hours ago, Who me said:

F

Why were you told to leave church?  What reason we're you given?

 

What does your sister say about keeping in touch with you?

 

How does your local church do services under the civic restrictions? Do they have an online service, can you access it, do they have any on line fellowship groups and could you join them?

 

Sorry for the long explanation

These questions are not easy for me to answer

I was mostly told to leave Church in the past. I was told never to wear certain colors by a person who gave me a ride to Church. At the time I would wear all black because the person really did not want me to wear anything pastel. Of course I began to go back to my parents Church partially because of this. I found ways to wear other colors. It was interesting to hear the pastor say that the first time he saw me I looked rather dark. At the time I also wore black because I like tripp pants and the gothic culture interested me. I will never forget how I was told to stay home because I could not sleep without my stuffed animal on youth retreats. There was a sort of compromise though. I had to keep a pillow case over it. Although looking back on it now I realized I had the last laugh. I was sewing a stuffed animal on the long 5 hour ride. It still bothers me to this day because I really enjoy all colors instead of focusing on that Gothic look of black and neon green or crimson red as a teenager.

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I was devastated when my mother told me I had to wear bland cloths again. It was not dark and Gothic cloths by any means, but she wanted me to wear traditional mens cloths that have no joy in them. At least to me they don't. Earth colors were never my thing because I found so much joy in pastel colors. I still wear tripp baggy pants, but instead of black they are colors that really bring out my shirts I wear. I have a lot of pony shirts. My favorite is of Princess Cadence. She symbolically represents family love. I also wear plain pink shirts as well. I even have one of a scene from MLP where the main six ponies were welcomed to a very strange village. They were all missing their mark and had an equal sign instead. Basically they all gave up their talents to be equal in status. Needless to say one character was very social, but without his talent he was the complete opposite. So that shirt has the picture of him with his eyes crossed and with the words welcome.

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In Church this is simply my way of representing my best. However, my mother thinks it makes me unapproachable. Basically setting my sister up for failure with her own social circle. My mother also wanted me to leave all my art and writing stuff at home if I was to go to her new Church. That is how I solved my anxiety problems. I would draw characters that are a cross between cartoon and realistic anthropomorphic creatures. For example my OC is Lily. He is a small wingless dragon covered in fur. A dragon Fox hybrid that has the personality of a toddler. My mother told me this would set off alarms. Especially because I draw pacifiers for some of my characters. Lily is also a base for my book character Noah. A sort of refference to Noah and the ark because he is a guardian on a sky ship (Blimp). In order to fight PTSD him and Molly an anthro Cat/Fox hybrid will spend time together imagining they are once again children. I suppose my mother is scared I would explain this to people and word would get out that I use a pacifier to cope with my own anxiety. I do plan on using my pacifier out in the open when I feel like it won't bother anyone. I modified a plastic containter with very fine crochet. On one side it has an open window to show the pacifier. Then all around the other sides its covered in decorative crochet. This way I can change the clip to make the window faced down for when I am asked to put it out of site. 

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My little sister is also going through difficult times of her own. Covid has been very hard on her social groups. Which is why I was willing to provide her personal space long before my mother even asked. All I wanted was to have time with her to do what we used to with art. We used to share tricks to different types of art and crafts. I mastered rendering hair in graphite/charcoal with her help. In turn I helped her master structure for her characters. I even gave her two books written by Mark Crily a Manga Artist. The two books were focused on drawing people in anime style. I have not really been able to be with my sister for so long I don't even know the story about how she got into tennis. Not only do I feel guilty, but I felt very distant. It hurt me really bad that my mother admitted that she was distancing me from her over the new politics on MAP's. I am an artist of cartoon characters and fantasy scifi stories. I was competely dumbfounded why this would make me appear to be an advocate for that sort of thing. To be clear the mere thought of my OC being made into a dirty object makes me sick to my stomach and makes me very angry. I told people I would sue for copy right infringement if I eve see this happen after my books are published. I even mentioned sueing for libel if it damaged my books reputation. Why on earth would my mother who knew me so well even think this? Being able to talk to my little sister has been difficult and being around her especially now with knowing what my mother thinks has made my anxiety worse then it was.