Recovering from being hurt by the Church

[FailedChristian]

I have been a Christian for over 8 years now. I'm 42. I have a wife and 2 children, all saved.

I'm writing at this site to explain that I have been so profoundly hurt by the people at the church I used to attend that my wife has commented that we would only attend another church to be abused..in other words, she has no interest in church.

I applaud those who have found a loving home in church and feel loved. i am one of those unfortunates that are not wanted inside the walls of a church.

In no uncertain terms, through neglect and aggressive actions and words, I am no longer welcome at the church I once attended. The details are long and hoary. I'm more than happy to answer any questions about the specifics. Gossip and calumniation lead many people to condemn those who leave the church due to a sense that they no longer are wanted.

Also, because our city has a "ministerial," my family (and others) are blacklisted and suffer ostracizing from the moment we enter a church. I have several examples of this behaviour that has caused some to give up believing altogether.

The leadership of the church I once attended follow the ideal of "elegant dialectic," a way to "cleanse" the church of those not 150% behind every move of leadership, tithing over 10% and basically 100% subservient to every whim of the pastor. This abusive method of showing a person the door aggressively has resulted in the youth pastor, the worship team pastor and over 70 additional people in a 150 person church to leave (only to be replaced by "desirables"). This type of "shaking" has occurred sevferal times in the past, destroying previous pastors and their families, families that attended dutifully and youth that now have few options in our city.

HERE'S THE POINT: I am looking at starting a recovery group to help heal the wounds of those who had been hurt by the church. Does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone been involved in healing from such wounds?

I appreciate your answers.

In Christ,

"FailedChristian"

[billie]

I do hope your family will find another church. Move if you have to. I'll be praying for you, brother.

[Floatingaxe]

My prayer for you and your family is that you do not allow heavy scarring to occur--you need to keep sweet before the Lord. The devil is a devourer and loves to separate the sheep from a flock! He then moves in for the kill.

I don't have a similar story in my life, but I have seen heartbreak in people I love. In one instance, a family member who is a pastor was terribly hurt by the lead pastor. My family member left his position by God's calling, but he and his family were subsequently left without a church.

They did start up a home church for a time, which was a great thing. But one thing he did, was to seek those in authority over him in his particular denomination, for some clarity, but he didn't get it. He was advised by others in ministry (peers) to seek to forgive the man who hurt him, and then to gather people around him to pray over him to remove any curse upon his ministry. We believe that somewhere down the line there was a curse placed upon him/his ministry. (Long story)

My thought toward you and your family is to continue to seek the Lord in this, seek to maybe start up a home church, or else seek another church outside of your city. I know a family that drives one hour to a neighbouring city to attend their church. They make a day of it, and the children are a part of it. They take a lunch and do things together in the afternoon, visiting with friends from that congregation, making deeper relationships, putting down spiritual roots.

Maybe that is something you could think about. God bless you!

[darski]

I want to offer you my heartfelt prayer that God will move to heal your hurting hearts. Nothing goes to waste in God's economy and your great anquish now can be God's redeeming blessing for others.

I would encourge you to start a house church as well. According to George Barna, this is the fastest growing church in NA and it is because the Brick churches tend to take over from Christ as the thing to be adored.

I would also suggest that you start a Yahoo group for yourself and others. You can decide who gets in or who gets invited. It will provide you with a safe place to heal and when needed, to rant and give it to God - fully wrapped...so to speak. Your wife may find a ministry in reaching other women this way. If she can just 'give this to God', He can work all of it togher for good.

You may also search "Yahoo Groups" for Spiritual Abuse recovery groups.

I will include the link for the Apologetics index on Spiritual Abuse - I read it recently in regards to a friend and found some good information there.

http://www.apologeticsindex.org/a04.html

further, I would like to add that I have not experienced the degree of abuse that you have but I have been harmed by attitudes in churches. I was abused spiritually in a Bible Study at 17 and didn't go to another one for more than 30 years - (Lions 10, Christians 0 eh?)

I am about to write to a friend of mine to ask that she will agree with me in prayer about a family situation that I think can be compared to a Mexican pottery tradition.. There are potters who make incredibly beautiful pottery and then break it so that it can be 'laced' back together with gold so that what was broken becomes more beautiful. I pray this blessing upon you and your family.

[EricH]

I moved this from the welcome forum to "Looking for Advise". It will get more answers here

[favorwithman]

I was hurt in a church once and it took over a decade to heal. The pastor's wife actually told me that they did not want new members in the church (that comment along with a lot of other issues truly discouraged me). Of course, I eventually left the church. It took over a decade for me to even begin healing (notice I said to begin healing) from that experience. About two years ago, I needed to observe young children for one of my graduate courses. Bravely, I called the church and they helped me a great deal. I made an "A" on the paper. All of the negative feelings I once possessed about the church are gone and I thank God. When I see the church or even hear about it I don't possess the same negative thoughts and make negative comments. God did do a work in me on that issue. Nevertheless, I am cautious about joining and becoming active in churches. I pray that you find a church home for you and your family

[Candi770]

Your name is not correct. How can you fail with Jesus!

blessings

candi

[billie]

Candi, I was thinking the same thing!

[IraBenYahweh]

I have been a Christian for over 8 years now. I'm 42. I have a wife and 2 children, all saved.

I'm writing at this site to explain that I have been so profoundly hurt by the people at the church I used to attend that my wife has commented that we would only attend another church to be abused..in other words, she has no interest in church.

I applaud those who have found a loving home in church and feel loved. i am one of those unfortunates that are not wanted inside the walls of a church.

In no uncertain terms, through neglect and aggressive actions and words, I am no longer welcome at the church I once attended. The details are long and hoary. I'm more than happy to answer any questions about the specifics. Gossip and calumniation lead many people to condemn those who leave the church due to a sense that they no longer are wanted.

Also, because our city has a "ministerial," my family (and others) are blacklisted and suffer ostracizing from the moment we enter a church. I have several examples of this behaviour that has caused some to give up believing altogether.

The leadership of the church I once attended follow the ideal of "elegant dialectic," a way to "cleanse" the church of those not 150% behind every move of leadership, tithing over 10% and basically 100% subservient to every whim of the pastor. This abusive method of showing a person the door aggressively has resulted in the youth pastor, the worship team pastor and over 70 additional people in a 150 person church to leave (only to be replaced by "desirables"). This type of "shaking" has occurred sevferal times in the past, destroying previous pastors and their families, families that attended dutifully and youth that now have few options in our city.

HERE'S THE POINT: I am looking at starting a recovery group to help heal the wounds of those who had been hurt by the church. Does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone been involved in healing from such wounds?

I appreciate your answers.

In Christ,

"FailedChristian"

Hi Failed It pains me so greatly to see that name on these boards. I to have been wounded by the church it goes on every day what the church continues to do or I should say not do. I understand that pain all to well. I have one request for you though Please Oh Please ad the prefix UN to your name. I have been studing the bible and the church I can say this it is the church that is failing. Chruches dont believe in what is right anymore.

Every whare I go i find people who are in trouble in one of 2 ways they are in need and the chruch says go to the state for help. (whares that in the bible) OR I am findiung a diamond in the rough who is getting yelled at by the church for helping the poor. There is a widow on this board crying out for help. She needs a a man from her church to help her out she may or may not need a new husband but she does need the men of the church to stand. She needs the acountant of her church to stand up and say I need your bills and check book consider the bills paid. I know she is be buried with all the things that she once shared. SHe needs some one to take the kids for a few hours to sit and think and pray. She needs a church to function as God said. Its not going to happen she is alone and the church will not stand with her as the bible says she may get a food box a hi how are ya I will pray for ya. Some times Gods people should stop praying and start doing (this is not about any one at worthy) Prayer is good But action is better. God did not tell us to just pray for our friends needs help them as well. If you have 5 cars and only need 2 give one to the man down the street so he can get a job and feed those 4 kids. Heck ask him a week later hows the gas tank Ill fill it . If you have it start giviing it.

This poor man calls himself a failed Christian not becuase He has failed God any more than the rest of us he feels like he may have failed more I believe because He was failled by the church.

To failed Christain Go find a church even maybe Go back to the old one tell your wife she needs to Go as well. Make a stand

say this to the church I am one ....One man who...will NOT let the poor go hungry or homeless....

One Man who will NOT let the widows sit alone and scared and unsure......

One man who can open his wallet and tythe to that church and alm a little to.

Sir read what a church is in the bible go to the pastor and tell him this is what a church is this is what the bible says and pastor I am here to FUNCTION as the church join me Or fight me I dont care. I am one man who WILL SERVE GOD.

TO the rest who read this If any one does at all.

Please oh Please stand with God for a new functional chruch.

Dont let any more men and women feel as failed christian

Be ONE the ONE that stands for the meek stands for the lonly stands for widow stands for the poor.

[billie]

You're so right, Ira.

BTW, I've been praying for you. How are you?