Domestic Abuse

[chimoku]

I there healing and forgiveness for the abuser?

YES!

because of JESUS and all of who He is , and what He continues to be for us.

But that process of healin g from this disorder takes a long long time.

It takes honesty, training up in the Word and putting on the Mind of Christ, and Christian counselling - all under the governance of the HOLY SPIRIT.

Our job as the Chruch is to offer help, speak the truth in love to those who need this help, and to pray for their healing.

.

Edited August 27, 2007 by chimoku

[Smalcald]

I agree, but of course part of that healing would be to advise a woman who has been beaten to find a way to escape that relationship forever.

I do agree that an abuser or anyone can be of course forgiven by Christ and changed; but I would still advise that a women who has been abused never trust that man again. The victim must come first in these cases and be your main concern, not the abuser.

If the abuser really does love the women and has changed he will understand this and let that person go in peace. But part of the cycle of abuse is that they want the control and will not have the ability to let what they consider their property go, to give up control.

[Marnie]

so please do not go out attacking those that you do not know nothing about and tel them to live in the real world as when we do this we are not walking acordingly to gods word i was not atacking you at all and i do not know what brought this on

the people i deal with are from brokken homes and many have been in abusive sittuations to wear we have had to move the partner out of harms way i have even thrown my self in the ,midle of some sticky situations and when i ask god to move he moves as he is ther guiding

people should be able to express them selves with out being attacked and if something has not been dealt with then one needs to deal with it i am going home for the first time and i wil be spending this time with my step mother and wil be laying some flowers on my dads grave my mother has not forgiven him nor has my sister as they stil hold on to that hurt

god loves us and he is ther for us

from damo1

My intent was not to "attack" you, but rather to give a balance to your previous statement. These are public boards and anybody could have read what you wrote. I am quite sure you wouldn't want some woman, reading what you wrote, to go back to her abusive husband only to wind up in the hospital, would you? I would caution any spouse, husband or wife, to think twice about walking back into a house of violence. And I would advise anybody reading the profusion of opinions to take all of them, mine included, with a grain of salt, and to seek out good and godly counsel for a qualified Christian professional.

[Zadok Rox]

The root (or one of the roots) of domestic violence is fear: the abuser uses fear (various forms of abuse; threats; etc.) in the hopes of controlling his/her spouse because the abuser fears the lack of control over things in his/her life that simply can't be controlled (economy, traffic, other people, etc.).

I fear I could become an abusive person dispite being a normally timid person. I believe that's why I haven't married yet (or had a girlfriend in a long time). God is doing a work in me and I pray that I will soon be the man of God He wants me to be and what my future wife needs me to be.

[chimoku]

God is doing a work in me and I pray that I will soon be the man of God He wants me to be and what my future wife needs me to be.

What a powerful and honest statement.

God is 'doing a work' in ALL of us. We are all being perfected in Christ and it is an ongoing job.

All of us have sinned and come short . . .

Each of us has to work on different sin issues, but each of us has sin and so we cannot throw the first stone . . .

He does forgive, bring healing and He builds up the inner man so that we can become mature and disciplined in Christ.

Joy and power to you on your journey . . . !

[TheoMike]

Actually, the root of domestic violence is the male sense of entitlement that most human societies are afflicted with. All societies around the globe prove this to be true. There is almost always a genetic predisposition to violence (the father of an abuser is almost always an abuser) but that is no excuse. A man never has the right to abuse his girlfriend, wife, daughter, or son (except in self-defense, which is almost always not the case). It is never "okay" to strike a woman; it is never "okay" to rape someone, regardless of whether she is ones' girlfriend or spouse. Domestic violence is never justified! Ever.

And it is never "okay" for a wife to stay in an abusive, violent relationship. As a professional counselor, I have in the past and will do so in the future, should the situation warrant it, urge a battered wife to get out of her abusive marriage. I am not saying divorce at this point, I am saying physically remove herself and her children from the home, in the short term. In the long term, the abusive husband should be ejected from the family home, the mother and children moved back in and a restraining order placed on her husband. He needs to seek Christian counseling (assuming he is a believer) that would cover such things as anger management, how to cope, etc. etc. etc. There are almost always other issues in the background (alcoholism, addiction to name two, but also other emotional and psychological issues) that need to dragged out into the open and dealt with.

In this sort of situation, the following must be part of the counseling goal--

1. Safety for the victims.

2. Accountability for the abuser.

3. Restoration of the individual, and IF POSSIBLE, restoration of the marriage.

4. Mourning, with the victim, the loss of the relationship.

Can an abusive relationship be made right? Yes! With God, all things are possible. Does it happen often? No, not in my experience. Some of these marriages end in divorce, but far too many battered wives don't want to go through the process, and just go back into the abusive relationship and die a slow death.

If you know of an abusive situation, the best thing you can do is give the victim this number:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

There are also local and state agencies that can intervene, as well as many worthy Christian counselors and therapists who are there to help.

References: AARDVARC; Bureau of Justice Stats on Family Violence; CDC on Family Violence; National Coalition Against Family Violence; Find Counseling.com

If you require more resources, I have roughly a ton of notes from 15 years of seminars, training, workshops, etc.

[Eliyahuw]

Actually, the root of domestic violence is the male sense of entitlement that most human societies are afflicted with. All societies around the globe prove this to be true. There is almost always a genetic predisposition to violence (the father of an abuser is almost always an abuser) but that is no excuse. A man never has the right to abuse his girlfriend, wife, daughter, or son (except in self-defense, which is almost always not the case). It is never "okay" to strike a woman; it is never "okay" to rape someone, regardless of whether she is ones' girlfriend or spouse. Domestic violence is never justified! Ever.

And it is never "okay" for a wife to stay in an abusive, violent relationship. As a professional counselor, I have in the past and will do so in the future, should the situation warrant it, urge a battered wife to get out of her abusive marriage. I am not saying divorce at this point, I am saying physically remove herself and her children from the home, in the short term. In the long term, the abusive husband should be ejected from the family home, the mother and children moved back in and a restraining order placed on her husband. He needs to seek Christian counseling (assuming he is a believer) that would cover such things as anger management, how to cope, etc. etc. etc. There are almost always other issues in the background (alcoholism, addiction to name two, but also other emotional and psychological issues) that need to dragged out into the open and dealt with.

In this sort of situation, the following must be part of the counseling goal--

1. Safety for the victims.

2. Accountability for the abuser.

3. Restoration of the individual, and IF POSSIBLE, restoration of the marriage.

4. Mourning, with the victim, the loss of the relationship.

Can an abusive relationship be made right? Yes! With God, all things are possible. Does it happen often? No, not in my experience. Some of these marriages end in divorce, but far too many battered wives don't want to go through the process, and just go back into the abusive relationship and die a slow death.

If you know of an abusive situation, the best thing you can do is give the victim this number:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

There are also local and state agencies that can intervene, as well as many worthy Christian counselors and therapists who are there to help.

Mike,

I know your providing information, but your neglecting to provide the facts that women are catching up fast as the abusive one in families. the only problem is it is not reported as much as the husband abusing the wife because men have no one to turn to. In most cases they are arrested instead of the abusive wife, because cops dont' believe that men can be abused and it must be the men abusing.

i lived for 6 years out of teh 12 i was married being abused by my wife. No it wasn't physical, but the incessant nagging, the screaming at me, the cusssing me when she didn't get her way, the abuse of my kids, the abuse of my finances, they all caused me to have 6 heart attacks from coming home from a stressful job, driving 3 hours round trip in bumper to bumper atlanta traffic stress, to a home where i didn't know whether to wear a flack jacket or dive through the front door to avoid the shrapnel coming at me

And when i had Open heart surgery, she hid my pain killers, my blood pressure meds, nagged, cusssed screamed at me, i had to cook for myself, wash my own clothes when i could barely take a shower by myself.

And on top of that, the surgery i went through caused a dark deep depression to begin with that in itself made me suicidal.

I'll tell ya, i didn't even know it was abuse until my kids told her to get bent and refused to do anything she said. they, bless them, took her on many times and put themselves between me and her when i was helpless.

Guess what, i had no help, no out, couldn't even call the police, cause they wouldnt' believe it, shoot everyone at church where i tried to get some help said, oh ****** no that can't be her, she's the sweetest most kindhearted woman we know.

I just had to bring it out that its not just women that get abused, and just because its not physical, doesn't mean it isn't as dangerous as the physical abuse can be.

[TheoMike]

According to recent stats, 97% of domestic assaults the man is the perpetrator of the violence. There are most certainly instances of husband abuse, but they are few and far between.

[kari21]

they all caused me to have 6 heart attacks

SIX? Thank God you are still here to tell the tale!

[Smalcald]

I don't want to deny the great work of God and the miracles of God in healing people, and yes changing men who do this.

I think though that one thing we must look to is the damage that has already been done in an abusive relationship. If the man or women who was the batterer is truly changed by God, I believe they will be able to understand and love their ex-wife enough to let her go and to understand her inability to put herself in danger again.

A sign of lack of renewal in my opinion is an intense desire to NOT let her go.

Theo mike has some good advice. Also couples or marriage counseling does not work in an abusive situation and frankly can be dangerous.