Domestic Abuse

[OopsMartin]

I don't want to deny the great work of God and the miracles of God in healing people, and yes changing men who do this.

I think though that one thing we must look to is the damage that has already been done in an abusive relationship. If the man or women who was the batterer is truly changed by God, I believe they will be able to understand and love their ex-wife enough to let her go and to understand her inability to put herself in danger again.

A sign of lack of renewal in my opinion is an intense desire to NOT let her go.

Theo mike has some good advice. Also couples or marriage counseling does not work in an abusive situation and frankly can be dangerous.

Agreed.

Often a really committed abusive personality is very capable of the charisma it takes to put on a nice clean public face. This way people won't believe they can be a bully or dangerous. This way also they can fake getting better just to get back to their victims. When they get back they will often upgrade the viciousness toward their victims to scare them into staying. This sickness has an addictive rush to it so that it really takes major long term incentives (years of treatment) to get them off the power rushes. It is few that ever are changed enough over short periods to be healed. Sometimes the highest place of danger is the period of separation when the abuser does not really want to behealed, he just wants his fix back. A lot of women get their worst threats of death then, and some are murdered then. Thus MOST OFTEN the only hope for the victim is to permanently leave.

IMO the extreme batterer is a form of sexual immorality and reason to annul or divorce.

[Guest Biblicist]

Actually, the root of domestic violence is the male sense of entitlement that most human societies are afflicted with. All societies around the globe prove this to be true. There is almost always a genetic predisposition to violence (the father of an abuser is almost always an abuser) but that is no excuse. A man never has the right to abuse his girlfriend, wife, daughter, or son (except in self-defense, which is almost always not the case). It is never "okay" to strike a woman; it is never "okay" to rape someone, regardless of whether she is ones' girlfriend or spouse. Domestic violence is never justified! Ever.

And it is never "okay" for a wife to stay in an abusive, violent relationship. As a professional counselor, I have in the past and will do so in the future, should the situation warrant it, urge a battered wife to get out of her abusive marriage. I am not saying divorce at this point, I am saying physically remove herself and her children from the home, in the short term. In the long term, the abusive husband should be ejected from the family home, the mother and children moved back in and a restraining order placed on her husband. He needs to seek Christian counseling (assuming he is a believer) that would cover such things as anger management, how to cope, etc. etc. etc. There are almost always other issues in the background (alcoholism, addiction to name two, but also other emotional and psychological issues) that need to dragged out into the open and dealt with.

In this sort of situation, the following must be part of the counseling goal--

1. Safety for the victims.

2. Accountability for the abuser.

3. Restoration of the individual, and IF POSSIBLE, restoration of the marriage.

4. Mourning, with the victim, the loss of the relationship.

Can an abusive relationship be made right? Yes! With God, all things are possible. Does it happen often? No, not in my experience. Some of these marriages end in divorce, but far too many battered wives don't want to go through the process, and just go back into the abusive relationship and die a slow death.

If you know of an abusive situation, the best thing you can do is give the victim this number:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

There are also local and state agencies that can intervene, as well as many worthy Christian counselors and therapists who are there to help.

References: AARDVARC; Bureau of Justice Stats on Family Violence; CDC on Family Violence; National Coalition Against Family Violence; Find Counseling.com

If you require more resources, I have roughly a ton of notes from 15 years of seminars, training, workshops, etc.

Mike,

What do you do if a woman is in an abusive relationship but she refuses to leave her abusive husband because "it's not that bad and he doesn't hit me anymore"?

I would really like to know how you handle that.

Thanks,

Bibs

[OopsMartin]

What do you do if a woman is in an abusive relationship but she refuses to leave her abusive husband because "it's not that bad and he doesn't hit me anymore"?

I would really like to know how you handle that.

Thanks,

Bibs

That's tough. Even the police cannot intervene if the wife won't press charges. However, a neighbor can call the police and document the responses. One can even ask for a report and keep copies. Then as the abuse escalates which it will, someone has kept track and can show the judge at the appropriate time.

Other than that I'd keep talking to the victim and hope to eventually convince her to protect herself and the children.

[F8thNJesus]

I stayed with my husband after a couple of incidents of abuse, and then the last time he abused me, I fought back, and seperated from him. In that time the Lord taught me the difference in subjection, and submission. I prayed and sought the Lord. It was not until the Lord told me to be reconciled with my husband, that i got back with him. It has been almost 5 years, and he has not been abusive towards me in that time we have been back together. There have been times in which, I have been ugly in an arguement, and had I been him, and a non-believer I might have hit me, but yet he hasn't.

You can't give a blanket answer to the question posed, because we are not the Holy Spirit.

I wonder how many people would end up knowing the Lord if one Christian was committed to praying for their salvation until death stopped them from doing so. Even if you are seperated from a person for 10 years, but yet you seek the Lord for that lost spouse , isn't the fruit of that Labor worth it? Oh I gues if God didn't whoo them in the alotted time of seperation before divorce was legal, then it wasn't his will for you to stay married.

I'm not saying the Lord won't tell someone to divorce, but I am saying unless the Lord has specifically told you to do so, then you are missing out on God's will for your life.

[Guest]

Even if you are separated from a person for 10 years, but yet you seek the Lord for that lost spouse , isn't the fruit of that Labor worth it?

Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.

Luke 15:10

Bless You Beloved Daughter Of Zion.

[TheoMike]

What do you do if a woman is in an abusive relationship but she refuses to leave her abusive husband because "it's not that bad and he doesn't hit me anymore"?

I would really like to know how you handle that.

According to the dreary stats, unless the abuser has a real change of heart, ie., the Lord intervenes, then he will get violent again. If he was amenable, I would suggest several sessions to: (1) get his heart right with the Lord, (2) find out why he is so violent and work on changing his behavior, which would involve teaching him coping skills and anger management, as well as behavior modification, (3) help him understand what a healthy marriage should look like. Then I would bring his wife in and see them together for several sessions of marriage counseling. Finally, if they weren't already in a good church, I would stress the importance of the best support group of all--a good Bible-believing congregation where they would hear the gospel preached, and see it lived out in the lives of the people.

As to whether or not he should be in the house during this time, my personal view is one of zero tolerance. I have had the unfortunate experience of seeing firsthand what happens to women who don't leave soon enough; they either wind up in the hospital or the morgue. In theory it sounds wonderful to say just "stick it out" and "trust in the Lord." But sometimes the best thing we can do is advise separation for a time, so long as both spouses are committed to (1) working on their relationships with God first and foremost, (2) changing the abuser's heart, and (3) restoring the marriage relationship, if possible.

Christian marriages in trouble, whether from abuse or other causes, are always difficult to work with because of the "humiliation factor." For some reason, Christians feel like they are immune to problems and when they come they can't cope with them because they don't know how and they don't seek out help because they are embarrassed. And the other problem within the church at large is that the church has done a terrible job of teaching young people what true Biblical love is all about. Far too many Christians enter into marriage relationships based on feelings of romance and lust, thinking that's what love is. I blame people like me, ministers, entirely for shortchanging our young people in this reprehensible way.

So, the answer to your question really depends on the couple. I, as the therapist can recommend a course of action, but the ball really is in their court. If he refuses any help, I would be honest and upfront with her about her future prospects, but beyond that, I can do nothing, unless he either comes around or she ends up on a slab someplace.

[damo1]

from damo1

i would go with what THEO MIKE jotted down as in most cases its the male and not the female yet yes it also goes both ways as my friend hear in armidale does the same work as theo mike and works on his principals thanks for bringing those points up theo mike i wish guys like you and brent wear more open on this topic and what has been stated

yet also it is hard when the women does not want to press charges as for example wear i live i have had to cal the police sevral times know and when ever the police turn up the partner runs away we all have told the mother there is help yet she wil not seek it all the police can do is act come to the cal out yet the female needs to be strong and pull her self away from the sittuation to wear she is in a safe place and is not being attacked or abused

yet it is also hard when you help and think that you are doing right thing to the point wear you your self get abused as this also happend to me and wear i acted out of my good heart and stepped in to stop the female from geting attacked i found my self comming under abuse yet this has not stopped me from doing what i know is right and that is reporting this as i cant sit back and just ignore what is going on

as theo mike said there are courses that can be taken and only sevral marraiges are restored i have wittnesd this my self and its up to both parties if they want that relationship restored

my friend did a survey among the christian community and he was dumb founded as this also happens with in yet many do not bring this out in the public

for those that seek take advice from theomike as he has given out some valuable information and these guys do a lot off good work for the community and i am proud to see that there are decent men out there willing to adress these issues

i my self dealt with a lot of issues that theomike adressed hear alone and i had to be responsible for what i did in my first marraige and i hope i can be open with out being judged hear as i hope by what i share does not bring up bad emmoitons in some one yet in my early post i shared what happend to me at home wear i grew up in a violent home to the point wear as theomike said most males that see this become as the abuser them selves i married a non christian wear i said i would not become my father i became my father to the point wear i could not control my out bursts as i was drinking taking pot yet wear i should have been open with my pastor i was not open utnil it was to late a lot of what i did was my fault even though i had heard of how god had restord brokken marraiges yet i also married a non christian yet no excuse on my part today i am working with other men in mens groups as i have been asked to sit in and share which i do i am very close friends with my x wife and she is married to a christian who is gentle and loving she forgave me for what i had put her threw and when i began to deal with what i went threw at home and what i put my x wife threw god dealt with that but i had to be open and honest to the point wear i wanted change and to be honest i am a changed man i see things in a diffrent light now and i thank god for what he had done in my life

so i hope by what i shared has not stired up any emotions in any female on worthy yet i felt that i needed to be open hear so others can see that god does work in a persons life to wear he works threw that person to share to others

from damo1

[Guest Biblicist]

Personally, I believe that the root of domestic violence is PRIDE, a sinful attitude which can only be stopped by a heart change.

[Fraught]

OK....as far as I'm aware, in the Bible, God only allows divorce for adultery or desertion. So Biblically, is the wife of an abuser bound to stay with her husband?

I don't think desertion is a Biblical ground for divorce. Adultery is, but even then, the word is actually "pornea," which means any kind of deviant sexual behavior, including but not limited to adultery. Also, another issue would be what Jesus taught about lusting after someone in your mind as being equivalent to committing the act itself. My point in bringing that up is that I'm not so sure that the issue of a "Biblical" divorce is as clear as some think it is, covenants not withstanding. The very nature of a covenant is that two people are involved; has an abuser not broken the covenant by his actions? In such a case, does a covenant even exist? I think it's foolhardy to elevate a marriage covenant to such a height that it is untouchable.

If your life was in danger, would you stay with your husband? More to the point, would you allow your kids to live in danger of their well being? What kind of mother would that make you? I think when you're black and blue and live in fear, the time for these academic discussions is over....it's time to bring the law in and see a lawyer.

marnie, i was thinking of this very thing this past week - i know of a case where the husband has stopped sleeping with his wife + looks at pornography. taking into account the spirit of the law, i can't help but think that this is indeed adultery. what do you all think?

[Smalcald]

I think it is a sexual perversion and a sin.

However, when we start casting about for reasons for divorce it seems as if ANY reason will do today and then we jam it back into the bible looking for justification for something we already were going to do anyway. So in that case no that is not a scriptural excuse for a divorce. They have a problem in their marriage no doubt about that, but that is what marriage is, in sickness, health, bankruptcy and yes the sins of your spouse. Not having sex is not a reason for divorce, when we marry we get the other person warts and all.

Adultery is something specific, Christ speaks many times about not divorcing and He often gives no exceptions.

As far as abuse goes though one must leave the home and protect your self and your children but that is a seperate issue.