Divorce and Re-Marriage

[Redefine_Me]

But as many have said every divorce hurts someone, and how do we as Christian deal with someone who is hurting? We don't heap more hurt on them that I think we can agree upon.

Well said, Smalcald. And what is the Church's roll? Is it condemnation and shame - not if the Church is in the image of God. It should be a place of healing and help. I am in a divorce recovery class at my church - it is a large community outreach at my church. My husband left me, he committed adultry (still is) and he filed for divorce. I am at peace, spiritually with the divorce, even though I do not, in any way, think it was God's plan - God's plan is for families to stay together, and it broke God's heart as much as it did mine. I begged my husband to come back after he was having the affair, so we could keep our family together. It took the pastor at my church telling me to let him go for me to even begin to accept that there would be a divorce. I don't think adultry/affairs is a Biblical "get out of marriage free" card, however, if the spouse having the affair is not willing to give it up... well.... anyway. I'm digressing. The divorce recovery class is filled with broken people- broken lives. Even through my own pain, it is painful to watch the people sharing what has happened to them. Many of the situations are not what we would call "Biblical grounds" for divorce. Yet, this is where they are, and they are crying out for healing and to rebuild their lives. I think it is the Church's roll to guide them in the rebuilding, so that the same mistakes and heartbreak does not happen again. So they can find peace in God.

With God, there is NO condemnation - why should there be from the Church?

Yes I agree.

Every divorce contains pain and contains people who have been hurt unjustly. So in your case, why should you feel any guilt or reticence about going to the Church at the one time when in reality you need the Church the most.

I don't feel any guilt or reticence. I think I got all jumbled up in my story and the story of those sitting around me in the divorce recovery class. I feel I have biblical grounds to be free from the marriage (though I still want the marriage and did not file), since my husband has repeatedly committed adultry and is now living with one of his lady friends. Those around me in the divorce class got divorced through what we would probably not see as "biblical grounds" - irreconcilable differences, etc. What I was trying to say is that I think the church's roll should be to help them heal and understand so the same mistakes are not made in the future. If the church took a "hard line" on divorce/remarriage, etc. as I think the original poster was suggesting, where would these broken lives go for healing and spiritual guidance.

[hr.jr.]

Back in the 1970's I was married. After just 5 yrs my husband began calling other women from our home. Within a month he left me and our two and a half yr old son. (I was not yet saved...nor was he). Within a few months he began dating...then living together with another woman. Just months after our divorce was final he married that woman. Several years later I was saved.

I think, that in my case I had the scriptural criteria to remarry......what do you all think? Was it ok for me to remarry under these circumstances?

Yes, even by the most strict interpretation of the scripture re-marriage is allowed.

[Smalcald]

But as many have said every divorce hurts someone, and how do we as Christian deal with someone who is hurting? We don't heap more hurt on them that I think we can agree upon.

Well said, Smalcald. And what is the Church's roll? Is it condemnation and shame - not if the Church is in the image of God. It should be a place of healing and help. I am in a divorce recovery class at my church - it is a large community outreach at my church. My husband left me, he committed adultry (still is) and he filed for divorce. I am at peace, spiritually with the divorce, even though I do not, in any way, think it was God's plan - God's plan is for families to stay together, and it broke God's heart as much as it did mine. I begged my husband to come back after he was having the affair, so we could keep our family together. It took the pastor at my church telling me to let him go for me to even begin to accept that there would be a divorce. I don't think adultry/affairs is a Biblical "get out of marriage free" card, however, if the spouse having the affair is not willing to give it up... well.... anyway. I'm digressing. The divorce recovery class is filled with broken people- broken lives. Even through my own pain, it is painful to watch the people sharing what has happened to them. Many of the situations are not what we would call "Biblical grounds" for divorce. Yet, this is where they are, and they are crying out for healing and to rebuild their lives. I think it is the Church's roll to guide them in the rebuilding, so that the same mistakes and heartbreak does not happen again. So they can find peace in God.

With God, there is NO condemnation - why should there be from the Church?

Yes I agree.

Every divorce contains pain and contains people who have been hurt unjustly. So in your case, why should you feel any guilt or reticence about going to the Church at the one time when in reality you need the Church the most.

I don't feel any guilt or reticence. I think I got all jumbled up in my story and the story of those sitting around me in the divorce recovery class. I feel I have biblical grounds to be free from the marriage (though I still want the marriage and did not file), since my husband has repeatedly committed adultry and is now living with one of his lady friends. Those around me in the divorce class got divorced through what we would probably not see as "biblical grounds" - irreconcilable differences, etc. What I was trying to say is that I think the church's roll should be to help them heal and understand so the same mistakes are not made in the future. If the church took a "hard line" on divorce/remarriage, etc. as I think the original poster was suggesting, where would these broken lives go for healing and spiritual guidance.

Totally agree.

Also it simply is very very hard to tell from the outside exactly what is going on so the damage we do in trying to dig around in that my very much obscure the work we have to do for the future, which is the important part anyway.

[Smalcald]

Excellent point.

Divorce is official and out in the open, but fornication of course is hidden. These are good points and I think we need to deal with them in a way that helps us and not in a way that hurts people and drives them away from the Church. Christ never once did that; He always drew people to Him through compassion not compulsion.

I think it is much harder for people who were Christians when they committed these sins though. I mean yes many people fornicated prior to becoming a Christian, but few Christians who have faith are out

[Guest Greg Davies]

I admire the fact that you can wait to see what happens, and that you would be willing to honor what you feel God wants you to do in this situation. Not everyone has that kind of will or dedication.

I wish you luck, and peace, no matter what the outcome.

Cobalt,

Thanks for the encouragement. My will and dedication are born out two things and some would say they are both the same: my love and fear of the Lord. My passion is to be able to stand before Him unashamed and to hear Him say "Well done".

Through this trial, there has been a relationship developed with the Lord that I wouldn't trade for anything. I wouldn't choose such a hard process, but I am exceedingly thankful for the fruit it has produced. It has brought me to the place, inspite of the occasional wave of desire (thank you flesh), that I am truly content in Him and if I never remarry, it will be O.K. His ways are higher than mine. His ways are perfect and what I really want more than a godly wife is to be perfect in Him.

To those who are contending over whether someone divorced can minister, I believe the scriptures refering to "one wife" can only be understood in terms of one wife AT A TIME. If Jesus allowed remarriage under certain conditions why should we put limitations on what someone has done in obedience to His word.

The conditions listed for church leadership have to be in harmony with the principles of grace and forgiveness that Jesus taught. If someone has sinned or failed in their family resposiblities and subsequently repents, confessing and turning from their fault, doesn't the Blood cleanse?

On a personal note, since my divorce, the Lord has opened the door to me for a very fruitful prison ministry which I never sought on my own. I can honestly say the Lord sent me. Also, since my divorce, my church leadership has seen fit to make me an elder in my church. I am allowed to prohecy and teach. I am confident that the blessing of the Lord is upon me.

I hope this testimony encourages many and causes those who have used the Word to frustrate the grace of God to reconsider their position. I know you are zealous for the Lord and I commend you. Let His grace bring a fullness to His word so the body can be edyfied in love. Greg.

[Axxman]

I find it somewhat interesting that we have 7 pages of discussion about "divorce" and no one has really addressed the OP's point about the church's responsibility in this discussion. The church and its leaders are culpable for the rise in the divorce rate amongst its membership. Church leadership has failed the family in a massive way and I think the OP made a valid point in that regard.

[OneLight]

I have been abandoned by my spouse, not once, but twice, and both were unbelievers. I know, shame on me, but we always think we can change someone. At any rate, biblically, I could remarry, but according to most man-made church rules I can't be in the ministry no matter what, because I've been divorced.

Brother, I do not hold that position. You were abandoned because of your beliefs. You are free, according to what Paul taught. This is not what I was trying to say in my previous posts, but failed to do so. I apologize for my failure to ensure what I type is what I meant to say.

[Smalcald]

I find it somewhat interesting that we have 7 pages of discussion about "divorce" and no one has really addressed the OP's point about the church's responsibility in this discussion. The church and its leaders are culpable for the rise in the divorce rate amongst its membership. Church leadership has failed the family in a massive way and I think the OP made a valid point in that regard.

They may be partially responsible, but if people are going to get divorced, they are going to get divorced, there is really no way to stop them. And after all, it is the people that divorce that carry the responsibility for their actions.

I am not sure about the level of culpability. I do think the Church is supposedly involved in all parts of our life correct? Which is of course one reason we come to Church to be married. If the Christian Church is going to teach about marriage, is going to perform marriages, then it must address divorce in my opinion. It seems the Church simply sticks its head in the sand on that issue. On the other side how much do we really trust our Churches? Would we really go to our Church and say look I need help getting a divorce and here is why? Would we submit to that?

Don't we have an obligation to help people through a divorce in a Christian way, the way Christ would want? Right now it seems to me basically the Church turns its back on divorce and pretends it does not really happen.

[Axxman]

I find it somewhat interesting that we have 7 pages of discussion about "divorce" and no one has really addressed the OP's point about the church's responsibility in this discussion. The church and its leaders are culpable for the rise in the divorce rate amongst its membership. Church leadership has failed the family in a massive way and I think the OP made a valid point in that regard.

They may be partially responsible, but if people are going to get divorced, they are going to get divorced, there is really no way to stop them. And after all, it is the people that divorce that carry the responsibility for their actions.

Of course I agree that individuals are ultimately responsible for the decisions they make. However...I also think that the overall problem in the church of blurring the gender lines has greatly contributed to problems in the family unit.

[kathmjoplin]

The following is a plea for the church to return to God in the area of divorce and marriage. I write this as one who understands the needs of the divorced person weather they are innocent in the divorce or the guilty party. However our desires are not above the scripture on the issue and the church must return to her Lord's commands.

It is evident that today the church as a whole is no longer seeking God on the issue of divorce. God's commands on this issue are no longer relevant for most of the claimed believers. Instead most seek exclusions from what the bible teaches on this matter or simply totally ignore the commands as if God's word is secondary to personal desire. The problem is so prevalent that the church today in America has either equaled the world or surpassed it in the percentages of marriages that fail. In essence God simply does not matter in this issue. This is seen in our actions. Most who violate God's command on the re-marrying issue after divorce shrug off the command by claiming grace and that they are not under law. However let us be ever so careful since when anyone ignores God's commands with the expectation of forgiveness they enter into a deep pit of presumption and that sin is of a type that cannot be confessed biblically in most cases. David cries out to God to keep him from presumptuous sin.

Psalm 19:13 Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous [sins]; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.

We would do well to take a great warning from David's plea and not venture into the area of thinking that we can sin because God will forgive. While His mercy is great and His forgiveness beyond understanding He warns us that He will not be mocked.

Gal 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

This is a self evident verse in the area of divorce and un-biblical re-marriage. It is seen in the broken lives of the children that follow and the lifestyles of the parents that rush into this trap. The command is clear for those who divorce without biblical grounds.

1 Cor 7:11But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife.

There is only two reasons for a biblical divorce which allow re-marrying. One is if the spouse leaves because the other has come to Christ and the un-saved spouse no longer wants to continue in the marriage with this person who now practices the callings of God.

The other reason is where there has been some sort of sexual relations outside the marriage. These two and only these two offer the innocent person in the marriage the right to re-marry. If the divorce came about for any other reason, then the divorced person even if innocent, is to remain single or seek to re-unite in marriage with their spouse. There are no exceptions given in scripture.

However today the church for the most part has abandoned the word of God in this area and stands condemned for its practice. Let us keep in mind that sin leads to more sin and in the end judgment. Like Israel of old unless we return to the precepts of God in all humility we also will be cut off from the grace that He has so mercifully offered. God's commands are not suggestions that we can cast aside at will because we feel that our circumstances are outside their purview. God's commands are just that, commands. His mercy was never intended as a for-thought to allow the individual to sin and escape judgment. Forgiveness and mercy is always an after-thought for sin that has taken place, although willfully on our part, for those who come in true contrition and humility over what they have done.

Presumptuous sin falls outside the realm of true biblical ability to be able to confess and leaves the person in a state of non forgiveness before God unless they can reverse their understanding and heart filled sorrow over what they have done. A very dangerous path to take. However even if we can come to a place of forgiveness that forgiveness does not justify the sin and any limitations that are imposed remain on the offending party.

So may we take great care in who and why we marry the first time and if there should be a divorce that does not fall within the guidelines of biblical permitted divorce and re-marriage then let us remain un-married or return to the one who we divorced.

God bless