Christian friendships

[JesusFreak1john17]

Honestly, I believe that Christian friendships are no different then any other friendships and friends come and friends go...simple as that. I'm sorry for your loss and it's to bad a pastor would be that kind of "friend". You would hope Christian friendships would last forever..I've had Christian friends come and go, change or just never talk to you again..I guess it's just the way it works and in the end will show you your true friends. :]

[wc4Jc]

Honestly, I believe that Christian friendships are no different then any other friendships and friends come and friends go...simple as that. I'm sorry for your loss and it's to bad a pastor would be that kind of "friend". You would hope Christian friendships would last forever..I've had Christian friends come and go, change or just never talk to you again..I guess it's just the way it works and in the end will show you your true friends. :]

As far as "coming and going"...people come and go, I do not feel that a "TRUE FRIEND would ever leave you, no matter where they are.

I see these people as an acquaintance, not a friend.

[pamiam]

My husband and I formed a friendship with a Pastor who just happened to live in the same street where we were currently renting a little granny flat.

The year was 1999.

We became good friends and started meeting with him for bible studies.

Over time, the bible studies grew and we met other people.

There were some issues that bothered us about our Pastor friend, but nevertheless, we still kept in touch and met for bible studies to encourage one another.

The issues that bothered us were his tendency to become "legalistic" at times.

He was not happy with the fact that we were saving to purchase a home. He said that we had to be content where the Lord had us.

He was a single man and lived in a home that the church paid for so I guess It was ok for him!

So he prayed against it. However, the Lord blessed us with a humble home that we managed to buy at a good price, and nearly 8 years later, we are still living here with never ever being late in a payment with our mortgage.

Our friendship continued despite this issue.

We continued to meet for bible studies and these extended to bbqs, picnics and times at our place for fun and relaxation.

Eventually, he had to move out of the area - a move that took him about 40 minutes from our place.

He asked my husband to help move him as my husband is a truck driver.

So, we helped move him back in 2006. And, we never heard from him again!!

We have sent cards and maybe left a message or two on his phone but he never responded.

Another friend of ours(who was also a big part of the bible study) developed CFS and moved further north. We rarely here from him.

There are days when I feel sad that our friends no longer keep in touch with us after having a friendship for so long.

My husband isn't that sad about it. He says, "We all move on".

I know that's true, but as christians, I feel as though we could still manage to keep in contact even if it was for once or twice a year.

My husband's 39 year old brother passed away tragically in November 2007 and my Mother in law

phoned our pastor friend to tell her. He didn't come to the funeral nor did he send a card or just make a call to my husband.

My husband feels as though he has become too legalistic to do this now.

It truly hurts.

Do you think Christian friendships should end?

[pamiam]

We had this pastor once that we really liked, and my wife and I tried to start a friendship with them. we even went to visit, which seemed to be an imposition on them.

At church one day, I asked Bro. Kenny "What's new" and his reply was "Nothing that would concern you." well that's all it took. It was evident that he saw himself better and not worthy of my friendship, so it ended there. I still enjoyed his sermons and was really impressed with what he was trying to do in the church, but as far as friendship....Not!

Lots to respond to here. First, perhaps the definition of "friend" might be considered. There's a level of intimacy and vulnerability that marks friendship that isn't there with, let's say, people you interact with often. Boundaries vary between people and some open themselves up too easily, or operate with a level of trust that sets themselves up to disappointment.

Second, after years of observing and considering the ways men and women behave and act differently, I can see how much easier it is for many men to deal with a "friend" moving and never hearing from that friend again. I am amazed and baffled at how easily my husband handles the absence of people he calls friends. Men just don't invest as heavily and don't get hurt as easily. That is a generalization but I think it is accurate.

Third, I do think there should be greater accountability among friends who profess Christianity, but it works both ways. If someone is hurt by a friend, Christian or not, it seems the common reaction is to withdraw and grieve,play the scenario over and over, talk about it, you get the idea. If a Christian, asking for prayer, reading the Bible, and even going to discussion boards might be a reaction. Note the examples in this thread of specific examples. Consider what might happen if we were to actually confront the situation by bringing our hurts to the offending party. Wow. Scary. I think it is an art and a matter of maturity to know how to carry this off, but it certainly seems that confronting the minister who got you to help him move might have been a growth moment for both parties. The guy who said that it's no concern of yours shouldn't have gotten away with that crack. I think it is just too easy to get hurt and then aim for the "forgiveness" that is demanded by Christians who have specific Biblical references. I think we need to do more by at least thinking of the matter of their accountability. Chapter 20 in the Purpose Driven Life deals with this well.

It seems to me that Christian friendships reflect our emotional development, regardless of our Christianity, but our faith calls for us to grow up. I have come to expect less and less of people in my world, Christian or not, simply because I think their walk with the Lord is so impacted by their emotional development. Just because someone has said the sinner's prayer doesn't mean they will react with brotherly love or with maturity. I think I've come to these conclusions after years of dealing with the ways I've been hurt and the ways I've avoided confrontation. The art of gentle confrontation is mysterious and I think a gift of the holy spirit. It requires a combination of things, somewhat as physical growth requires an optimum combination of things.

Let me conclude by saying that I lost two precious Christian friends nearly twenty years ago and I've thought about this topic for years. I think we were all too young, immature, afraid and ill-equipped to deal with the hurt we caused each other. Sadly, we all missed the opportunity to love each other as Jesus loved us because of all those things. I've tried to connect off and on through the years and am always ignored. It doesn't hurt anymore and I am certain that I can write this today with a level of acceptance and even encouragement that we can do better. It is evolutionary, this growing up emotionally and spiritually. Anyway, good topic to discuss.

[Carol R]

Your "legalistic" friend sounds like he needs your prayers. Even if he is not responding to you, pray for him, for it sounds like he is being blinded by the enemy as to how love responds.

QUOTE (AnExample @ Jan 4 2008, 10:59 PM)

Some people are placed in your life for a season for a special purpose, and when that season is over, the person is no longer in your life on a consistent basis. And...everyone you meet has a purpose in your life or you in theirs. One teaches and the other learns. Eccl 3:1-8 on seasons.

I agree with both of these posts.

[Marnie]

We had this pastor once that we really liked, and my wife and I tried to start a friendship with them. we even went to visit, which seemed to be an imposition on them.

At church one day, I asked Bro. Kenny "What's new" and his reply was "Nothing that would concern you." well that's all it took. It was evident that he saw himself better and not worthy of my friendship, so it ended there. I still enjoyed his sermons and was really impressed with what he was trying to do in the church, but as far as friendship....Not!

My husband is a pastor and he doesn't make friends with members of the congregation he's pastoring. He's friendly to everybody, treats every member the same, but won't be "buddies" with any of them; it can cause too many problems with other members, ie. jealousy, etc. The pastor/member dynamic is....interesting, I am coming to understand, there has to be some distance between the pew and the pulpit. Although your Bro. Kenny's response was a tad brusque, to say the least.

[wc4Jc]

Lots to respond to here. First, perhaps the definition of "friend" might be considered. There's a level of intimacy and vulnerability that marks friendship that isn't there with, let's say, people you interact with often. Boundaries vary between people and some open themselves up too easily, or operate with a level of trust that sets themselves up to disappointment.

The definition is exactly what I am referring to..to which most people do not fill the shoes.Opening oneself up, is a crucial ingredient in establishing a friendship.

Second, after years of observing and considering the ways men and women behave and act differently, I can see how much easier it is for many men to deal with a "friend" moving and never hearing from that friend again. I am amazed and baffled at how easily my husband handles the absence of people he calls friends. Men just don't invest as heavily and don't get hurt as easily. That is a generalization but I think it is accurate.

Men typically hide their feelings better than a woman, but that does not mean that it does not affect them. Men normally do not dwell on such situations as do women.

Third, I do think there should be greater accountability among friends who profess Christianity, but it works both ways. If someone is hurt by a friend, Christian or not, it seems the common reaction is to withdraw and grieve,play the scenario over and over, talk about it, you get the idea. If a Christian, asking for prayer, reading the Bible, and even going to discussion boards might be a reaction.

I would have to disagree with this statement. A Christian...should be more accountable, as that person is supposed to be more like God.

Consider what might happen if we were to actually confront the situation by bringing our hurts to the offending party. Wow. Scary. I think it is an art and a matter of maturity to know how to carry this off, but it certainly seems that confronting the minister who got you to help him move might have been a growth moment for both parties. The guy who said that it's no concern of yours shouldn't have gotten away with that crack. I think it is just too easy to get hurt and then aim for the "forgiveness" that is demanded by Christians who have specific Biblical references. I think we need to do more by at least thinking of the matter of their accountability. Chapter 20 in the Purpose Driven Life deals with this well.

I for one have confronted my issues, and it is quite amazing at how the accused can not answer or even refuses to respond. "Purpose Driven Life"....man made...no thanks, the only purpose in my life is following God and waiting for that glorious day of His return. The only book I need is the BIBLE.

[pamiam]

Lots to respond to here. First, perhaps the definition of "friend" might be considered. There's a level of intimacy and vulnerability that marks friendship that isn't there with, let's say, people you interact with often. Boundaries vary between people and some open themselves up too easily, or operate with a level of trust that sets themselves up to disappointment.

The definition is exactly what I am referring to..to which most people do not fill the shoes.Opening oneself up, is a crucial ingredient in establishing a friendship.

Second, after years of observing and considering the ways men and women behave and act differently, I can see how much easier it is for many men to deal with a "friend" moving and never hearing from that friend again. I am amazed and baffled at how easily my husband handles the absence of people he calls friends. Men just don't invest as heavily and don't get hurt as easily. That is a generalization but I think it is accurate.

Men typically hide their feelings better than a woman, but that does not mean that it does not affect them. Men normally do not dwell on such situations as do women.

Third, I do think there should be greater accountability among friends who profess Christianity, but it works both ways. If someone is hurt by a friend, Christian or not, it seems the common reaction is to withdraw and grieve,play the scenario over and over, talk about it, you get the idea. If a Christian, asking for prayer, reading the Bible, and even going to discussion boards might be a reaction.

I would have to disagree with this statement. A Christian...should be more accountable, as that person is supposed to be more like God.

Consider what might happen if we were to actually confront the situation by bringing our hurts to the offending party. Wow. Scary. I think it is an art and a matter of maturity to know how to carry this off, but it certainly seems that confronting the minister who got you to help him move might have been a growth moment for both parties. The guy who said that it's no concern of yours shouldn't have gotten away with that crack. I think it is just too easy to get hurt and then aim for the "forgiveness" that is demanded by Christians who have specific Biblical references. I think we need to do more by at least thinking of the matter of their accountability. Chapter 20 in the Purpose Driven Life deals with this well.

I for one have confronted my issues, and it is quite amazing at how the accused can not answer or even refuses to respond. "Purpose Driven Life"....man made...no thanks, the only purpose in my life is following God and waiting for that glorious day of His return. The only book I need is the BIBLE.

I must not have been clear enough, but I DO think there is greater accountability for Christians within personal relationships and friendships.

I too have been unsuccessful in reconciling some relationships, but it seems that I've also not been clear of anger or hurt and that may have been part of why reconciliation didn't happen. However, conflict makes us step out of a safe place, and gives us a chance to grow. Even if the other person doesn't respond the way we hoped, we never know how it may work for them over time. As far as only needing the Bible, well, what can I say? All those books I read in graduate school taught me a thing or two. I mentioned PDL because it has a great section on restoring broken fellowship. You're not actually saying that you don't read books other than the Bible, are you?

[wc4Jc]

Pamiam...No, I am not saying that I do not read other books. And obviously I was mistaken in what you said about accountability for Christians. My bad. I thought you were saying the opposite, and now it makes complete sense. TYSEM for the clarification. I have mixed feelings about PDL and Rick Warren.

Marnie, I understand what you are saying to a certain extent. I both agree and disagree. "Buddies"...I'll have to think that one over.

[Theopolitan]

My husband and I formed a friendship with a Pastor who just happened to live in the same street where we were currently renting a little granny flat.

The year was 1999.

We became good friends and started meeting with him for bible studies.

Over time, the bible studies grew and we met other people.

There were some issues that bothered us about our Pastor friend, but nevertheless, we still kept in touch and met for bible studies to encourage one another.

The issues that bothered us were his tendency to become "legalistic" at times.

He was not happy with the fact that we were saving to purchase a home. He said that we had to be content where the Lord had us.

He was a single man and lived in a home that the church paid for so I guess It was ok for him!

So he prayed against it. However, the Lord blessed us with a humble home that we managed to buy at a good price, and nearly 8 years later, we are still living here with never ever being late in a payment with our mortgage.

Our friendship continued despite this issue.

We continued to meet for bible studies and these extended to bbqs, picnics and times at our place for fun and relaxation.

Eventually, he had to move out of the area - a move that took him about 40 minutes from our place.

He asked my husband to help move him as my husband is a truck driver.

So, we helped move him back in 2006. And, we never heard from him again!!

We have sent cards and maybe left a message or two on his phone but he never responded.

Another friend of ours(who was also a big part of the bible study) developed CFS and moved further north. We rarely here from him.

There are days when I feel sad that our friends no longer keep in touch with us after having a friendship for so long.

My husband isn't that sad about it. He says, "We all move on".

I know that's true, but as christians, I feel as though we could still manage to keep in contact even if it was for once or twice a year.

My husband's 39 year old brother passed away tragically in November 2007 and my Mother in law

phoned our pastor friend to tell her. He didn't come to the funeral nor did he send a card or just make a call to my husband.

My husband feels as though he has become too legalistic to do this now.

It truly hurts.

Do you think Christian friendships should end?

Some people just aren't letter writers. Keep sending him cards and letters. I'm sure he appreciates them.