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How does a child honor an abusive parent?


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Well for one the child will need years away from home, gone through a lot of crap themselves and then have some kids! :foot-stomp: Honestly it took me almost 20 years to even forgive my father for the abuse he gave out and about that time to realize I was angry at my mom who in my eyes didn't stop the crap. Logically I knew my dad had problems but emotionally I didn't care. Needless to say I was a very angry child, teen and young adult. I grew up in a church and was told to honor my folks but felt that it didn't apply to me since my father was such an idiot he didn't deserve it. Heck what young child even knows what honor is anyhow. I finally realized that the anger and yes hatred I had for my father was hurting me and that by keeping it in my heart and head my father was still in control of my life in many ways. It was hard to let it go and I had to do it without getting a 'sorry' or whatnot from my dad. But after that I could hug my dad, love him without reservation. I know that it was with God's help only that I could forgive. As far as a child honoring an abusive parent I am just unsure that can happen. There is usually too much hatred, fear, anger and all those other emotions to get through to even think about honoring a parent that is abusive.

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After reading these answers I have to ask.......

Any of you actually ever been abused by a parent?

Sometimes it is hard just to "get over it"

Forgiveness is not 'getting over it." You cannot fully forgive unless you completely acknowledge what was done and how badly it damaged you. Even with forgiveness there will be scars, and there will be things you must live with because you were damaged. Like my temper. It came from the sense of injustice that I had for being told I was wrong, bad or defective all the time even though I knew I wasn't. It came from feeling alone, unprotected and vulnerable and is partially a mechanism by which I make myself appear more dangerous than I really am (like a bird does) by puffing up and making a lot of noise. I'll get you before you can hurt me. I didn't just get over it, and I'm still not over it.

In fact right now is a very difficult phase for me. My father asked forgiveness and knows he was wrong. He's trying to be close. I have trouble trusting and when I show it, it hurts him and the result is "but I already asked for forgiveness." "I know, but it takes a while for the feelings to match the decision, Dad." "Well how long are you going to carry this around, it's not helping either of us." "sigh. I know...So, what do you want for dinner?"

And, as with my sexually abusive uncle, sometimes I have to make a decision to forgive each time I think of them, each and every time...the feelings are not there, I am close to hating him if I dont pay attention to myself I will actually do that sometimes.

No, you dont just get over it. Anyone who tells you forgiveness will make it happen like that is lying to you.

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Just because someone doesn't hate their parents, doesn't mean they weren't abused.

True. And it is a sign of maturity and personal strength to avoid retaliation and refrain from harbouring negative feelings.

I think the authority of the parents has to be respected and upheld no matter what. As far as I can remember, the Bible does not concede any exceptions. We are somebody's children and we become someone else's parents thereafter. There's no escape to experience the situation from both perspectives.

I had an extremely tense relationship (which for some time deteriorated into no relationship at all) with my father. Down into the pit of my teenage years I could forgive the battering I got but not the gigantic and oppressive lack of him that I endured. It was hard to live like an orphan when I wasn't really one and I felt victimized well beyond proportion because I never was a bad kid.

But we both grew and overcame the barriers. I ended up becoming his trusted confidant and we pretty much made up for the years of alienation. He died 7 years ago. Even when I wasn't a Christian by then I thank God today for giving me the understanding and the strength to initiate the path towards reconciliation. I was vindicated in ways that I could have never planned or even dream of.

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I would think one way would be reporting the abuse, so the parent can get the help they need

:thumbsup: You want the child to report the parent?

that ain't so strange. your talking about a child old enough to think about what it means to honor their parents. they would be old enough to know this is wrong. and that secrets aren't good. the kid could go to teacher or someone. keeping the secret is not honoring the parent. depends too on how severe and what type of abuse. now that i think on it, telling someone may be the best way to honor them.

I agree here. As has been mentioned, most of these abusive parents were abused themselves, and are even still victims in some ways. They need to get help too, but as most people who were abused could tell you, in most cases it's not like they're going to come right out and ask for it, especially not while the child is still at home. But should the child be left to just put up with it until they're old enough to move out? I personally don't think so...finding another adult to help them, even if this adult is a police officer, is definitely something that should be considered. And things might happen that are out of the kid's control...but they already don't have any control over the abuse without doing something like that.

Forgiveness is not 'getting over it." You cannot fully forgive unless you completely acknowledge what was done and how badly it damaged you. Even with forgiveness there will be scars, and there will be things you must live with because you were damaged. Like my temper. It came from the sense of injustice that I had for being told I was wrong, bad or defective all the time even though I knew I wasn't. It came from feeling alone, unprotected and vulnerable and is partially a mechanism by which I make myself appear more dangerous than I really am (like a bird does) by puffing up and making a lot of noise. I'll get you before you can hurt me. I didn't just get over it, and I'm still not over it.

In fact right now is a very difficult phase for me. My father asked forgiveness and knows he was wrong. He's trying to be close. I have trouble trusting and when I show it, it hurts him and the result is "but I already asked for forgiveness." "I know, but it takes a while for the feelings to match the decision, Dad." "Well how long are you going to carry this around, it's not helping either of us." "sigh. I know...So, what do you want for dinner?"

And, as with my sexually abusive uncle, sometimes I have to make a decision to forgive each time I think of them, each and every time...the feelings are not there, I am close to hating him if I dont pay attention to myself I will actually do that sometimes.

No, you dont just get over it. Anyone who tells you forgiveness will make it happen like that is lying to you.

Well said, LadyRaven. And God is powerful and faithful, He sticks by us through the healing process, enabling it, filling the holes left in us. But it's not something that just happens overnight.

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You can and must forgive an abuser, but you shouldn't trust him again if he is not restored in his walk with God. It is foolish to believe that forgiving means trusting also.

Forgiving can be done apart from the feelings. It is for our own good that we do it. I know that there is a forgiving that I must do every time I think of a certain person in my family. The feelings are not following, but as I obey God in doing as He asks me to, I know that one day, the feelings will follow.

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And what happens when the abuser is not a christian? Do you write that person off and not trust them for the rest of their days?

Yes. No abuser can change without Christ. There is no reason to trust one who abuses. Furthermore, there is no command to trust again.

If we say we forgive someone and yet fail to put any trust in that individual, have we really forgiven them?

Yes. Trust doesn't go hand in hand with forgiveness. Would you let your father, who you have forgiven, babysit your young children if he sexually fondled you as a child? God doesn't ask us to check our brains at the door.

If we continue to hold on to those old feelings, the forgiveness is not there. If you can't trust someone for what they did to you, you haven't really forgiven them.

We aren't talking "feelings", but rather WISDOM.

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You can and must forgive an abuser, but you shouldn't trust him again if he is not restored in his walk with God.

And what happens when the abuser is not a christian? Do you write that person off and not trust them for the rest of their days?

if its sexual abuse, absolutely no you never trust them.

if you want to trust your child with a "reformed" pedaphile, go ahead. i say its a foolish thing to do. forgiving someone for past offenses doesn't mean forgive them for future ones and that's what your saying when you say forgiving them is equal to trusting them.

Floatingaxe is in her mid 50s and she still hasn't let go of the resentment.

There is a difference between a child forgiving someone and an adult forgiving someone. If an adult can't forget, there is no forgiveness there. No matter how many times one says it, if you can't forget, you haven't forgiven.

Who in their right mind would allow a child to be left alone with someone who sexually assaulted them. If that individual just happens to be one of the parents, that child has very limited options. And I would not expect a child to totally trust their abuser. That's just stupid.

WHAT RESENTMENT?

I haven't been abused, but my mother was a pastoral counselor of survivors of abuse, both male and female and she wrote a most excellent book which has been instrumental in bringing many to wholeness from their tortured memories and pain from childhood sexual abuse and incest. She was an expert. I am passing on some of what she has taught me.

It is often the adult that is the one who finally has to come to the point of dealing with these issues and must face forgiving the abuser and often they have been conditioned wrongly that they must trust the abuser again, which has been the issue that has held them back in the first place. When they finally realize that trust is not the issue they need to deal with, they can move forward with the forgiveness that they need to do.

The adult who finally deals successfully with their past abuse learns that they do not have to trust someone who is untrustworthy and they don't have to feel guilty about it. It is not part of the package.

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And what happens when the abuser is not a christian? Do you write that person off and not trust them for the rest of their days?

Yes. No abuser can change without Christ. There is no reason to trust one who abuses. Furthermore, there is no command to trust again.

Is there a command not to trust?

You obviously know nothing about this topic.

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WHAT RESENTMENT?

I know that there is a forgiving that I must do every time I think of a certain person in my family.

That is not resentment. I have been hurt and when I think of that person I always forgive her--SO THAT I DO NOT BECOME BITTER. I am continuing to walk forward in my walk with Jesus so that I do not lose ground.

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And what happens when the abuser is not a christian? Do you write that person off and not trust them for the rest of their days?

Yes. No abuser can change without Christ. There is no reason to trust one who abuses. Furthermore, there is no command to trust again.

Is there a command not to trust?

your doing damage man. like ripping wounds apart. please stop.

Then I'll go back and delete all my posts.

And when everyone deletes their responses to my posts, I'll delete this one.

Fair enough?

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