Worry and trusting God to provide?

[carlos123]

I have a confession to make.

I don't like having to live by faith in God to provide for my needs!

It is SO much easier to trust in something or someone other than a God I cannot see.

To have to trust in God all the time given the uncertain nature of my work and circumstances is not something I like having to do.

Maybe in God's sovereignty that is one reason I have always been poor.

The last time God's provision for me seemed to be a shoe in I just went off and sinned it up falling into thinking I didn't need God anymore. I know. Quite deceived. But it happens.

I just don't like the uncertainty of reliance on God. I mean from a human perspective. At times like now I don't know where or how that provision is going to come to me.

That's uncomfortable.

I don't like it. Not one bit.

It would be so much easier to have a nice, big, fat nest egg in the bank and rely on that rather than in God daily. To take it easy and go drink some tea at some posh hotel and tan myself while being catered to. To go the movies every day and live a life of ease.

Please don't think for a minute that I am some saintly hermit type living high above everyone else in having great faith in God to provide. I struggle in this like anyone else. I more often doubt that He will provide for me than not. I often go off to watch a movie than stick to what I should be doing. Especially when I am struggling with the fear of success. I go fishing in a manner of speaking. I go bury my head in some far off movie where I am the hero and where nothing ever goes wrong.

There is something in me that is a terrible struggle regarding work. It's like I struggle with the fear of success BIG TIME. When I come close to being successful I have a tendency to sabotage myself. I have been asking the Lord to show me why.

I don't mean to say that I don't work when I have work. I put in very, very long hours sometimes. I go all out for my clients. They are very pleased with my work. But when a job is done I start to take it easy and find myself in need all over again when my bills, as little as they are, continue unabated.

The success that is a problem for me is the kind where I may end up moving past poverty and into stable income that is above the poverty line. Something about that really gets to me.

None of this is to discount the truth in any of what I have said.

What I have said is true.

But there are issues in me regarding all this that need to be dealt with. God does provide for me but it is not because of me. It is despite me. I mean He doesn't provide for me in a state where I sit around and do nothing. I mean He provides for me to the extent that I trust Him to provide and do something in line with that trust. But the provision I trust Him to provide for me tends to be very minimal.

He provides for me what I am trusting Him to provide. I mean by His mercy I am blessed beyond belief and shown great mercy in the eyes of others. But I remain poor. Not because God does not want to provide me with more or would have me rise above being dirt poor but rather because I seem to be most comfortable living in poverty.

I don't know why exactly. I am only now beginning to see some of this.

Carlos

[saved34]

Carlos, thank you for that amazing post. When you initially said you live in a tent, I thought you were speaking figuratively, like your place was not all that great. I had no idea you literally live in a tent. We just don't know what our brothers and sisters are going through at times. I do find myself fretting when God doesn't respond quick enough (by my own standards), or when our finances get low. Your testimony has been a real eye opener. It also makes me understand where you are coming from, better.

[saved34]

.....Worry and Trusting God To Provide......

One other thing that comes to mind Dani.

Make a list of every single thing that concerns you regarding your needs.

Perhaps you could use a blank sheet of paper and write out each thing at the top of it.

Then take it before the Lord. One paper at a time.

Describe the need in your own words to the Lord. Then ask Him for guidance as to what you should do about that need. Whether it is a true need or just a want. Whether or not He might have you set it aside. Ask Him to show you anything and everything He might want to show you about that need.

And then...

Shut your mouth and wait. Wait on Him to speak to you through the Word or your spirit. Just wait. Sit quietly and wait.

Just sit there in the presence of the Lord waiting on whatever He might want to say.

If some impression comes into your mind jot it down on that paper. Wait some more. Jot down whatever comes to you. Whether verse or thought or whatever.

Then pray over what has been laid on your heart. Read any verses given to you. Ask the Lord to open your heart to understand.

If you get nothing right away...then continue with another of your papers.

That might help Dani. He does want to say something to you. It's just a matter of making yourself available to hear.

Carlos

Excellent post. I'm going to do this in my own life. Sometimes we worry so much that we can forget that the Father wants us to cast every single worry on him. Nothing is too small or too great.

[carlos123]

Carlos, thank you for that amazing post. When you initially said you live in a tent, I thought you were speaking figuratively, like your place was not all that great. I had no idea you literally live in a tent. We just don't know what our brothers and sisters are going through at times. I do find myself fretting when God doesn't respond quick enough (by my own standards), or when our finances get low. Your testimony has been a real eye opener. It also makes me understand where you are coming from, better.

Thanks Saved. Now that is funny!

A sort of thinking the best in reverse or something. I mean you thinking that I was only talking figuratively.

That's swell of you to think the best of my situation but...well...yeah. I literally sleep in a tent. I don't like saying I live in it since in truth I live more in the gym I belong to or at the Library here where I get unlimited internet access at most any hour of the day and night when school is in session.

I got this way...it's kind of a long story...but to make it short I was freezing to death (that's figurative) in Canada so when my truck which I had been sleeping in (long story on that one too) broke down completely...I decided I needed to get out of Canada fast. Winter was in full swing and I only had about 800 dollars.

The Lord spoke to me eventually to come to San Diego. I had been selling everything I had in storage and in my truck and giving away what I could not sell and came down with two suitcases and whatever money I had left over after the cost of my flight and some other expenses. For the first year or so that I was here I mostly traded computer work for rent. Made it all the way to having a bedroom in posh Poway (a city near San Diego). Very rich. Old style rich. I was there for four months.

When the work I had been hired to do was at an end with that person I had to leave. I certainly could not stay. I have never been one to impose on others and a deal was a deal. I stayed with a Christian for two weeks and then I had to go into the streets. I really, really tried to get a job. Any job. But only ONE placed even interviewed me and that wasn't for a job but as a back up in case they needed anyone in the future. Part of the problem is that I had been self-employed for many years in Canada in my own window cleaning business and no one wanted to hire someone like me perhaps thinking I couldn't take no orders or something.

That is how I ended up homeless in San Diego. It's not a big deal really. I mean really. Although I have been on the sidewalks with the "worst" of them before I am very well situated now. Tent out in the boonies where nobody bothers me (well...I did find some human doo doo on the way in on the trail leading to my tent...I left it there to "scare" others away LOL). Gym membership with two lockers there. Other lockers that I can get for free as a "student" if I need them.

Free dental care. Free medical care should I need it.

Lots of other perks.

It's a pretty carefree lifestyle but then again lots of things to worry about I suppose if I give in to that.

Ever hear the ditty of three blind mice...see how they run? I never knew there was truth to that until some mouses came close to all but bumping into me. When I first set up my tent they started to eat it. I would find holes here and there. Went on for a few days. Until they finally got it into their noggeds that my tent did not make for good eating or something. They have stopped eating my tent now...thank God LOL!

For a while, after reading about flesh eating disease in the news, I thought every insect bite that got red might be flesh eating disease LOL (in my flesh I am somewhat of a hypocondriac). For a while I also thought I had something called scabies. Looking back I think my skin just got infected a bit when I would scratch the insect bites with somewhat dirty fingernails or something. I mean I stay very clean but can't help getting some dirt under my fingernails out in the bushes as there are no hand washing sinks out there.

People would absolutely freak out in some of the circumstances I have been in. I mean FREAK out. Lots of times I have had less than $5 to my name with an uncertain means of getting more money. Even more times less than $10.

Through naivety or perhaps more correctly ignorance I pretty much have waltzed through things while looking to the Lord to help me out. I have slept in places where people have been killed. I once was peed on by the homeless while I was asleep and slept right through it (super funny what happened). I once was woken up by a gang member going through some kind of initiation rite to try and sell me some cigarettes at 3 AM! I found out that I was sleeping next to a bunch of transvestites that night too though I had thought they were women with some being quite cute I thought (before I found out they were men dressed like women!). I had even gotten up as the gang member went down the row of homeless thinking I was going to have to defend some of what I thought were poor defenseless women until one of these women said in a very manly voice "LEAVE MY HOMMIE ALONE!" at which time I started to realize they were men!

I once slept with my backpack tied to my hand and woke up wondering if someone had left me some goodies on top of the picnic table I had slept by. I got up eager to see (Yum, Yum I thought!) and after looking at the stuff that was there and waking up a bit more I realized that it was the contents of my own backpack! LOL. Someone had apparently sat down next to me while I slept peacefully and had ransacked my backpack while it was still tied to my arm! Thankfully something must have spooked them (maybe an angel) as not one single thing was taken. Needless to say I didn't sleep there any more.

I once was near someone who got beaten up by a bandana wearing hoodlum with a baseball bat who ran past me around a corner.

One time I was walking around in deep woods looking for a new spot and came upon a guy with no clothes on just lounging around like Adam must have done. I didn't know what to say so I asked him if he had been out there long (I meant camping in the woods). He said not long. I said okay..thanks. Turned around and decided them woods were not very suitable for me to camp in LOL.

God has shown me such incredible favor at times in the eyes of others. My first computer here (after mine that I brought down from Canada broke down) was bought for me by a client who wanted me to do some work. He bought the computer and left me with it and took off. Trusting me to do the work.

I could go on and fill a book with the things that I have been through.

But I have never been beat up, robbed, or otherwise. I went hungry as I previously mentioned a few times but nothing worthy of mention really in that I was not anywhere near actually starving. We can actually survive quite well for a number of days as long as we drink water though the hunger pangs are terribly uncomfortable. For me they are near unbearable as I really enjoy eating good food. Mostly at buffets when I can afford it. But don't assume I am fat. I am slightly well rounded with a Sean Connery type of beard.

You can know when you are getting older when people on trolley's and buses start giving you seats. As some have done with me recently. It's quite funny. Who me? I don't need to sit down! You insist? Oh well...okay.

I especially love desserts. That's probably why my teeth have needed work LOL.

Carlos

[gdemoss]

Carlos, outside of the forums, how much time do you spend in conversation with people about God?

Gary

[carlos123]

Carlos, outside of the forums, how much time do you spend in conversation with people about God?

Gary

Not sure why you are asking Gary but it's difficult to tell how much time I spend at it. I mean just about everyone I come in contact with knows that I am a Christian. And I share about God quite often but in a natural sort of way. I don't go out of my way to try and manipulate conversations toward God. I am just open about Him as I might be about a wife or best friend.

This morning for example I shared with a gym friend that the Lord had shown me that I was content to live in poverty and that such is a problem. That I had never really realized that about myself. That led to talking about whether I go to church and why I have a hard time in churches.

I didn't push things but I was also very open about my views. I do that depending on who I am talking with. Sometimes I say more than at others.

Earlier this morning I had been talking to a homeless buddy of mine about that maybe he should do what Jesus said to do about not resisting an evil person given that he is in some danger where he is.

And even earlier I offered to pray for a man sitting next to me at a meal and then when he said yes I asked him if it was okay for me to lay hands on him to which he replied that he did not want me to do that. He is a Vietnam vet who is blind and has a bullet near his spine. Is in great pain. And was recently knifed in the chest and into the lung.

Just a few minutes ago I had a chance to say a little something to a woman that I have gotten to know who sits next to a computer I frequently use at the gym. Someone ran in and gave everyone a dollar bill and ran out saying God bless. Which gave me a chance to say that maybe God had placed it on his heart to do that and that I hoped that the Lord would place such a desire on the heart of many others . She and I have had other conversations that went much deeper. Her life has been pretty rough.

That is the type of contact I usually have with folks in real life. Natural sharing of Christ as a part of my life and who I am. I do that type of thing a lot when I think about it.

But I think I need to be more proactive in actually trying to share the Gospel from start to finish with people but it's been a while since I did that. I mean I have but I don't do that very often.

I have tried to share some things like what I share on the forums with Christians but in real life I am usually not given a chance to really discuss these things with others. Conversations are shut down or people have no time or interest in these things.

Which is a never ending source of consternation as I really don't understand the lack of interest.

Carlos

[gdemoss]

I asked out of a general interest but also believe that the question was just as much for you as it was me. Thanks for sharing.

Your Brother,

Gary

[carlos123]

I asked out of a general interest but also believe that the question was just as much for you as it was me. Thanks for sharing.

Now that I had a chance to talk about it in response to your question, it is rather surprising to me how often I do mention something about Christ to others. I mean I don't keep track of such things or am hardly cognizent that I have done so as much as I have.

But I guess I do. Which is interesting and encouraging to me in that so very often I think of myself as worthless piece of doo doo. Not always mind you...the Lord is helping me with that but every few days at the very least if not more often.

Carlos

[carlos123]

Something interesting happened to me last night.

Earlier yesterday I had gone out and looked for my canning pickup stick and had found it, praise God! So I had come back to the gym with it and had all but prepared for going out canning (collecting bottles and cans to get some money from their recycled value) by storing excess stuff I normally carry with me to my campsite in my gym lockers, pulling out my suntan lotion, and otherwise preparing to not come back today in the morning but to go straight to canning after having some breakfast.

Usually the excess stuff I carrry to my campsite (i.e. raincoat in case it rains, etc.) I bring back to the gym in the mornings and store it in lockers here.

Anyway as I was getting ready to close my locker and head out last night...well...the Lord spoke to me!

I say that He spoke to me with some hesitation as there is always the possibility that it was not Him at all but in all truth I simply cannot say that it was not Him as it is the same voice that has spoken to me in past times and which has resulted in wonderful things happening in or through my life for the few times I have heard it.

I can only remember hearing this voice maybe 3 times in the last 15/20 years! Though I have heard Him at other times that were less impressionable as to the consequences of obeying said voice and which times I cannot remember. These three are the only ones that I remember clearly.

The first that I recall is when He told me to go next door and propose to the Christians living there the idea of starting to eat meals together. I did what I was told and from that resulted the most amazing fellowship and experiences of God that I have ever had in my life (though subsequent experiences of God have happened to me they have never been as frequent during a given period of time as they were then).

The next time I recall hearing this voice was when I was standing in front of my storage in Canada all but in despair wondering what I was going to do and where I was going to go. My truck in which I had been sleeping had completely broken down and had been sold. I had gotten $1000 as an insurance payment from the company of a man who had hit my truck a couple of months earlier so I did have some money left of that $1000 and I had been paying half the rent at a friend's apartment to stay there but the money was disappearing quickly and we were in the middle of a very cold Canadian winter. I had no job per se during the winters as I was a window cleaner by trade. That time the Lord said to me "I want you to go to San Diego!". No explanation with that. Just that. But that seeming word from God encouraged me to believe Him to make a way where I saw no way and the gist of it is that a flight opened up for me at Christmas time at a discount, I got housing in San Diego and was even picked up from the airport by a man I had never met and from whom I would be renting a room. I got out of the cold and came to San Diego!

The third time was last night. The Lord, if indeed this is the Lord, told me not to go canning today. That He would provide for me in some other way.

As happened the other times I hesitated a bit and even began to tear up telling the Lord that I did not understand why He might have me skip canning as it was a definite way in which my shortfall in money could be made up. But I did what this voice told me to do.

It remains to be seen if what I heard by way of direction will indeed come to pass. That my shortfall of money will be made up in some other way besides canning.

I do have a proposal out to one my clients that he may go for. A few days ago while I was waking up in my tent the thought came to me that I could offer something to one of my clients who has a photography site. I could offer to include invisible watermarks into his photos. I did some trial and error on that and it wasn't practically doable but in my trying I veered off into doing something called stenography where text or images can be hidden inside images. That is doable and I tested and did it. And I offered that to my client as a way to safeguard his photos and prove they are his in the future should they ever be stolen. I think he will go for it but it is by no means certain that he will. Nor is it certain that I will receive the money earned through such a thing before the end of this month when I need the money to be in my bank account, free and clear.

So hearing this voice and being obedient to it is a leap of faith in that there is nothing certain in place of canning at this time.

The other thing is that I cannot explain how it is wise or godly or in line with righteousness for me to skip doing that which is available to me, canning, to wait on God for something as yet unseen to provide for my needs. I mean it's like someone hearing God tell them to not work as their needs will be provided for some other way. Not exactly mind you in that I am still to pursue getting my needs met through my more normal work of web development and related things but still...canning is right now, right here as one way to get my need met and this voice is telling me not to do it as my needs will be provided another way.

Rather odd to say the least.

Not even something I would ever recommend someone to do.

BUT...above all I want the Lord to be glorified as the Living God who Provides for His children. That He is able and willing to provide despite our fumblings and foibles and sometimes our downright foolishness.

I am not setting out to test God in this...rather I was setting out to go canning and provide for my need that way. Absolutely so. But this voice that I have come to believe is the Lord interrupted my train of thought and told me flat out to do something other than what I had been setting out to do.

So I will wait on God to provide for me in some other way. At least for today.

The sense of direction I got was to not do canning as I had planned to do it today and may not necessarily apply to canning other days. I will have to keep this in prayer to better discern the Lord's direction.

I am reminded of what Maximus the Roman general told one of his subordinates when the subordinate informed him that there was some risk to the cavalry by aiming catapults so close to the front lines just before the opening battle. Maximus said "The risk is acceptable".

There is some risk in my listening to this voice to not do that which would provide for my need. In a worse case scenario I will end up being unable to pay my gym membership. Will have to give up my lockers at the gym. Will be unable to afford bus fare to continue where I am and will have to up and move to downtown San Diego. To go sleep on the sidewalks once again.

But...the risk is acceptable for the greater honor and glory of God if He proves Himself through my life to be the Living God who can and will provide for His children. God only knows that many of His children need encouragement in that regard during these hard economic times. Who is to say that He might not want to show Himself strong through my life for the sake of others of His children that find themselves facing need.

I am willing to be the guinea pig in God's hands for the sake of others.

And if I am making a mistake I won't die. There are hundreds of homeless folks living on the sidewalks of San Diego at night. Literally. It is extremely rare that anything bad happens to any one of them. Maybe 2 or 3 if that are ever killed per year. The risk is very mimimal and even hardly existant since I am not involved in drugs or otherwise. God willing I will survive and do just fine. IF I have heard God wrong.

BUT...if I have heard God right I would never want to miss this grand opportunity to show Him forth as the God that He is.

This morning I also read the story of Peter walking on the water. It's very instructive for those of us facing some need.

Matthew 14:22 NASB

Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He sent the crowds away. After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone. But the boat was already a long distance from the land, battered by the waves; for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “ Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and *said to him, “ You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “You are certainly God’s Son!”

A couple of things to note about what happened in the above verses.

Notice the Lord's QUICK reaction to saving Peter when Peter began to doubt and sink. It says the Lord IMMEDIATELY stretched out His hand and took hold of Peter. IMMEDIATELY.

Despite Peter's doubting and his sinking the Lord had compassion on him and rescued him in spite of Peter's foible and lack of faith. As He is predisposed to do that for us.

Secondly notice something else. What caused Peter to start doubting? I mean the winds were the same when he first started walking on the water as they were when he started to sink. It was what he was focused on looking at! At first his focus was on the Lord! Then his focus changed to start looking at and pondering and dwelling on the wind and the waves and what have you around him. How could he possibly continue walking by faith in view of the wind?!

And he began to sink.

We MUST keep our eyes focused on the Lord when facing need. NOT the need! Focused on His compassion. On His love. On His faithfulness. Or what have you but about Him! Not us or our circumstances. HIM! That inspires faith! Looking to our circumstances, how impossible they are, or whatever inspires doubt!

The last thing that particularly struck me about Peter and Jesus is that Peter was an imperfect man. He stumbled and bumped and fell here and there in his walk of faith. Just as I do and just as probably all of us do. That did NOT stop the Lord from being Peter's safety net! The Lord was committed to Peter as Peter was committed to the Lord. They were bound up together in relationship just as we Christians are with the Lord.

We are His and He is ours. Lock stock and barrel. All that is His is ours by faith just as all that we are is His by a choice to live in surrender to Him by faith.

He WILL take care of us even despite ourselves!

That doesn't mean that we have liberty to be lazy or to otherwise act foolish. What that means rather is that we can be ourselves in the Presence of our loving Father and not be concerned that He will ignore our plea for help and salvation in the face of need when we cry out to Him even if the need we face may have resulted from our own sin or foolish lack of faith.

He is there to save us both eternally and in our need whatever that need may be!

Bear in mind though that I am talking about saving us according to our true needs and not our wants. God will not necessarily save our rich, beautiful homes, or fancy cars or what have you despite any mistakes we have made in their stewardship or otherwise. What He does promise us is to provide for our basic needs as we seek to do His will and to please Him in all things. Food (sustenance) and clothing (basic shelter) is all we are promised for sure. Though the Lord may indeed provide us with far more from time to time that is by no means promised to us.

In all cases we are to aim at doing His will and glorifying Him and not seek to have particular needs, or things we think are needs, met to enable us to have a better life or otherwise obtain some ease that is purely oriented around our wants and not His will.

We must walk with surrendered hearts to seek His greater glory and honor through our lives as the focus of our lives giving up our lives in service to Him. It is only in that way that we will truly find life and experience intimacy with Him.

Carlos

[saved34]

Carlos, as I read about your story, cannot help but feel helpless and sorrowful. Helpless, because I don't know what to do, or how to help. I know you are not feeling sorry for yourself, and I know that is not the reason you are posting this, but I know living on the street is not optimal. I think to myself, how would I react if I were in the same situation. Me and my family live paycheck to paycheck and are one major calamity away from being homeless ourselves. I see your great trial, yet here you are, giving God praise, contending for the faith, keeping your composure. God is using this as a major lesson for myself. It is very humbling. I can type all manner of great swelling words on this message board, but what will I do if I have no certain dwelling place tomorrow? Or what would I do if my son did not have food to eat? This is where true faith comes in, and these things happens to believers all the time. Yet, we press on, and praise God knowing that whatever we go through is for our benefit, as he is our provider.

I have read about great men of the faith like H.A. Ironside, who went hungry many nights because he dedicated his life to preaching the Gospel, many times not having any money because he was full time in ministry and did not work. He spoke much like you in that he trusted God, and relied solely on his provision. He even went so far as to say, "so what if I die of starvation, I will just go home to be with my Lord". That is a faith that I cannot comprehend. I feel like a baby in the faith when I see how some of my brothers and sisters are really putting faith into practice. Do you have a Church home, brother? I ask because usually your local assembly will do whatever it takes to help a brother or sister in need. My brother is an Elder and he has two people living in his home right now. Helping them mature spiritually, and supplying their physical needs as well. My late Father has always done the same. As the Pastor of the Local assembly for years, he would house those who had nowhere to go, helping them until they got on their feet to get a place and better themselves. I thank God that I saw that kind of faith in action from a very young age.