Marriage

[Godlovesme]

Not exactly sure what you are referring to, but you talk about love like its normal to pretend the other doesn't exist, walking by me and saying good morning to everyone else, you actually think it's normal and I'm supposed to accept you will never be seen with me among our peers,  you come and go as you please when you please, kids or others ask me where is ...  99% of the time I dunno..  I honestly could go on but will stop here as I'm not out to crucify you and never was going to say who my husband was but since you refuse counseling I came here hoping you would see I'm not the crazy one... Your actions your behaviors are not normal and hard to live with, but if I say it I'm crazy if someone here says it maybe you will listen since you spend most of your time here.  It's hard to heal when the wound keeps getting kicked.  I'm not alone I'm not narcissistic I'm not crazy. I know a lot of women including our daughters who could not deal with what I deal with daily and not come out scarred, yet I keep on going day after day , sometimes never hearing a word from you for days.  Most of the time I don't say anything just go on and try to survive the day try to hold on to my faith and try to help the people around me.   I'm human and the human part of me shows up once in awhile, I'm tired of being ashamed of being a woman.

[hmbld]

Contemplate this please?

Crowder, How He Loves Us

 

He is jealous for me, 
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, 
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 
And I realise just how beautiful You are, 
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh, 
Oh how He loves us, 
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, 
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, 
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 
And I realise just how beautiful You are, 
And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh how he loves, 
Yeah, He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, 
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, the way... 

Oh, how He loves us oh, 
Oh how He loves us, 
How He loves us all
How He loves

Yeah, He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves.
Oh what love

Yeah, He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us, 
Oh! how He loves us

[Godlovesme]

God loves you, I like to believe he loves me, by the grace of God I have survived this mess so far. But God gives us free will to behave how we choose even when its bad. You can't hide behind God and not be responsible for the behaviors you or I choose.  You can't stick your head in the sand while everything falls apart and then wonder what happened, and just shrug your shoulders and go oh well, God loves me that's all I need, while your behaviors and choices hurt another person, you are responsible for the hurts you cause, there is a reason why God not only asks for us to go to him for forgiveness but also asks us to go to each other and amend our wrongs. There's a reason for that because how we treat someone can effect their very life. 

[Whispers]

I cannot stress enough that you must seek professional marital counseling through a qualified pastor. This is not up to debate. You must seek counseling immediately. Do not attempt to self-diagnose the marriage and issues you are experiencing. Talk to a qualified marriage pastor. I promise it will help you tremendously to seek wise counsel.

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14)

[Godlovesme]

I cannot stress enough that you must seek professional marital counseling through a qualified pastor. This is not up to debate. You must seek counseling immediately. Do not attempt to self-diagnose the marriage and issues you are experiencing. Talk to a qualified marriage pastor. I promise it will help you tremendously to seek wise counsel.

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14

and what do you do when counseling is refused? 23 years of marriage as of today.  Just be happy? :/ 

[Whispers]

If the other spouse is not willing to seek counseling then you should still seek counseling for yourself. Your spouse’s refusal to go to counseling is a hardened heart issue and a failure to humble themselves before God.

Have you ever personally sought competent marriage counseling with a pastor?

I am assuming by your responses that you have not attended any counseling sessions on your own.

Godly counselors are a gift from God to bring His healing in your life and marriage. The American Association of Pastoral Counselors requires extensive training and most of these people are ordained ministers with full masters or doctoral training.

Contact a local church and find a counselor for yourself. Let God work on the heart of your spouse and pray for them that they humble themselves and seek counseling and healing. For now, you must get help for yourself.

 

 

[Godlovesme]

If the other spouse is not willing to seek counseling then you should still seek counseling for yourself. Your spouse’s refusal to go to counseling is a hardened heart issue and a failure to humble themselves before God.

Have you ever personally sought competent marriage counseling with a pastor?

I am assuming by your responses that you have not attended any counseling sessions on your own.

Godly counselors are a gift from God to bring His healing in your life and marriage. The American Association of Pastoral Counselors requires extensive training and most of these people are ordained ministers with full masters or doctoral training.

Contact a local church and find a counselor for yourself. Let God work on the heart of your spouse and pray for them that they humble themselves and seek counseling and healing. For now, you must get help for yourself.

 

 

 

I have been going to see a pastor and have done counseling both inside and outside the church. Basically been told I'm trying to row upstream in a two man boat with one oar.  That I have to stop taking his behaviors personal and remind myself that is about him and on him and his responsibility for how he chooses to honor the relationship.  And I try to do that, but in all honesty when he is behaving in a not so nice fashion , I can walk away, pray go try to find something to be busy with but it don't help the sting, I'm the one left having to deal with whatever was tossed my way, I can forgive til I'm blue in the face but then have to deal with the same behavior again the next day or week or what ever, all the stuff the pastor said sounded great but still left dealing with the hurt over and over, same behaviors same hurt different day.  I'm accused of being cold, I am , it's like you know if you stick your hand on that hot stove your going to get burned, so you stick on a oven mitt and try again except each time you keep getting a thicker oven mitt, before you know it you stop feeling anything.  I will be the first to admit I'm in the wrong when it comes to being loving , I have tried loving no matter what and overlooking but once again I need a very thick oven mitt. Now I'm down right terrified , because if I let myself be vulnerable again will that be the time it finishes what's left of my heart  and grow cold towards everything and everybody.  I'm literally scared to death of losing my faith thru all of this. They say what don't kill you only makes you stronger, that's a lie, what can happen is it makes you scared of feeling.

[Guest]

When it comes to addressing marriage issues for Christians, I think the podcast “Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman” (Moody Radio) does a really good job of giving advice.  If there isn’t an episode with a similar issue to yours, you can also contact him for help: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/podcasts/building-relationships/

[Whispers]

I know it's an old thread going back almost one year but I wonder what happened with Pro1728?

Did she try Christian counseling to reconcile the marriage?

I've seen God heal and restore broken couples so many times. Our God is a God of healing and new creations.

The tragedy is when one or both of the spouses refuse to seek Godly marital counseling and just throw in the towel. That's the real tragedy. Luckily God doesn't give up on us so easily as we do on marriages. Otherwise we would be in big trouble.

40%-50% (depending on study) of all fundamental Christian marriages end in divorce. More than 30% of those could have been saved if they had only sought Christian counseling. I emphasize "Christian" counseling since "secular" counseling tells the couple to move on and seek better things. It's such a disposable society today and secularism sadly breeches into Christians when they fall into Satan's trap of; unhappy, just divorce and forget about it.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Whispers
spelling

[Whispers]

I wanted to add that spouses who refuse counseling usually blame the other spouse for their marriage woes.

The purpose of blame is to protect oneself, so anything that threatens to put blame back onto the blamer will be shunned. Most people who blame the other spouse for the marriage failure are aware that they could be responsible for some of the problems, although they do a good job of denying that. But, in front of a counselor, those things are likely to come out into the open. Since a counselor is unbiased and doesn't take sides.

People who blame do not want marital counseling because they want the therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse. When the therapist refuses to take sides or points out that they both have contributed to problems, the blaming spouse is threatened and scared of this outcome and therefore refuses counseling.

Leaving the problems unresolved would eventually result in the end of your marriage.

 

Edited November 8, 2016 by Whispers