Opinions Please!

[Kari]

Note: I, Omegaman 3.0, moved this thread from the seekers area, to the more appropriate advice aread. Kari does not seem to be participating anyway, and it can be read in the advice area, just as easily.

Kari Posted:

There is something that happened to me a couple months ago and I believe that I need closure. Last year about this time exactly I met someone online. I was crystal clear about what I value in a relationship who I was looking for, and what my boundaries were(I told him that I had made a decision not to have sex again until I was married. We meet in person and of course he seems very nice. He actually seemed very relieved that I didn't want to have sex outside of marriage. I was very open and honest with him about my past relationships, where I have lived, and my job. 

I'll admit I am a hopeless romantic but this does not mean I deserve what I got. He seemed so happy when we met and I realize this might sound like a lifetime movie but there was a passion in his eyes that made me believe he was glad he found me. (I understand that there is an excitement when you first meet someone that does diminish over time).  Well no surprise he is texting and calling me. Couldn't wait to see me again and 2 months in to the relationship he is wanting to spend entire weekends with me. He confided in me that he had been married three times and two of his divorces were bitter. I won't get into details but I did not want to write him off just because he had bad luck with women. Of course, he knew his last 2 wives not even a month before he married them. Perhaps this should have made me think a little more. He was a gentleman because he waited to kiss me until we had been seeing each other about a month and a half. So the first time he asked to me to stay over I reminded him that I would not even entertain the idea of sex unless we were married. He said that I would sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. About three months into the relationship he admits he had looked at porn, naturally upset I told him I would not tolerate that. He promised he would never do it again and insisted he did not want to lose me. Shortly thereafter, he started saying he wanted me to move in with him. My first instinct said NO! I wish I would have listened. I moved in 2 months later after we discussed that I did not want to have sex again until marriage and I did not want him to feel rejected. He had hinted at marriage before I moved in with him! 

When I first moved in he was very happy! Then about a month later that started to dwindle. He was becoming more and more frustrated when we would make out and I would want to stop before it went too far. I was good to him, believe me I am not perfect but I treated him well all things considered. We slept in the same bed but never had sex- I know it may be hard to believe. He was upset when I wanted to sleep in different rooms although I explained that I was not rejecting him and as Christians I wanted God to bless us and not give the devil a foothold. He had been saying when we get married.... (correcting me when I would say if we get married). A good friend of his told me he loved me very much. He showed me a text from another friend that stated "She's a keeper". No wonder I thought he might actually think I was worthy of him. About 2 weeks before the event that changed everything I sensed him pulling away and I didn't talk to him about it out of fear that I would appear insecure or even worse a drama queen. You have no idea how much I regret that. He remains good friends with one of his ex's relatives. He gets a phone call one day that his ex wife's step cousin was having trouble with her boyfriend and I thought that was too bad but never would have expected how much it would impact my life. The next week he finds out her boyfriend has dumped her and she has no place for her dogs. We drive to rescue her dogs while she figured out would she stay with a friend or her parents. A week later she is coming to live with us, he seems a little concerned. Well she arrives and he starts acting like a jerk, suddenly my boyfriend of 7 and a half months was showing me a side of himself that I didn't like. He sorta ignored me and I felt something was not quite right although he swore up and down that they had never been more than friends. Once again, I don't talk to him for the same reason I had all along. She leaves briefly and things seem better and then one morning he tells me he has to break up with me because he can bring himself to marry anyone and because that is what I want eventually our relationship is doomed. Was he wrong for even contacting me to start a relationship when he most likely knew all along he did not want to get married? People close to me have said that the main reason he asked me to move in was because he was hoping I would give in.

[Ezra]

On 17/12/2015 at 4:02 PM, Kari said:

Was he wrong for even contacting me to start a relationship when he most likely knew all along he did not want to get married? People close to me have said that the main reason he asked me to move in was because he was hoping I would give in.

Kari,

It is not this man who was in the wrong, but it was you who allowed yourself to get into untenable situations. Please learn a lesson from this and move on.

[Omegaman 3.0]

Before there is a next time, sit down with someone wise, someone who is a seasoned Christian (woman) who has managed to live life under Bible standards succesfully. She need not be perfect, but she should not have had recurring battles with sin and out of bounds relationships.

Prayerfully make yourself a checklist, of things you will not do, and stick to those items. Set standards for future partners, that are high, not impossibly high, but find someone who is on the same page (or higher) spiritually. Also, keep in  mind, that it is not about finding the right person, but being the right person. Don't think that a person, with their spiritual head on straight, should want to sttle for a woman, who is not a good match in these matters. He will hopefully, be looking for a woman who can help him live life rightly, not drag him into temptation. People need to build each other up, not lead each other into temptation.

If you set the standards when you are not emotionally attached, you have a better chance of having a good set of standards to follow, and, you have the comfort of knowing, that it was you, who wrote out the list, the rational you, not the emotional you.

In my opinion, you might have made a mistake by evne kissing him at 1.5 months. It is a small thing, but one thing leads to another.  Think of it this way, if you saved that kiss for your husband, then this stroy would not have happened. Moving in with him, was a big mistake, agreeing to do so with the intention of not having sex, was just another bad decision in a series of bad decisions that you made. 

I would bet that there is barely a relationship in America, where pre-marital sex happened or the temptation to have it happened, where one or both of the individuals, did not let down their guard, thinking well, "it is just a kiss, what harm is there in that?"

You might be a hopeless romantic, but hopeless romantics are destined to make errors in judgement, if they hold their romanticism as a more important priority, that living rightly according to God's plan. If you fail to have your priorities right, then you will repeat your mistakes. That is a choice you must make.

Praying for you!

[gdemoss]

Kari,

You sound like one of my kind.  Ezra is right in that you present to us a situation and we can see easily where you nade decisions based upon self that later put you in a position to be harmed.  That said, for the one who is doing these things doesn't see it until it is too late and we are hurt wondering what went wrong.

The psalmist wrote that we should not rely on our own understanding but rather God trusting in his way being right always to keep us safe from harm.  Your doing well it wanting to save sex for marriage and you really dodged a bullet with this guy.  Unfortunately, the fact that you are in a place where you are suseptable to men like him means that if nothing changes your going to find another who is similar to him.

So what's a girl to do you must wonder?

Get a group of godly counsellors who can help you get ready first before getting into a relationship.  A good church fellowship could work.  You may not like all you hear but at the same time you don't want to continue down the road to failure.

Another suggestion is to find someone who has the type of relationship you want and ask them to help you learn how.  The bible specifically instructs that the older women are to teach the younger these things so God has ordained it.

Pray, pray and pray.  Seek the kingdom of God first.

[thereselittleflower]

4 hours ago, Ezra said:

Kari,

It is not this man who was in the wrong, but it was you who allowed yourself to get into untenable situations. Please learn a lesson from this and move on.

Wait a minute.   He most definitely was in the wrong for not being honest with her in the first place.   Did she make mistakes?  Yes. That does not remove his culpability and I am frankly appalled at anyone laying all the blame on her.

 

[Omegaman 3.0]

Well Theresa, sure, that is true. However, we cannot change what other people do. We can change what we do, we can learn from our mistakes, and purpose to do better next time.

[thereselittleflower]

20 minutes ago, Omegaman 3.0 said:

Well Theresa, sure, that is true. However, we cannot change what other people do. We can change waht we do, we can learn from our mistakes, and purpose to do better next time.

Oh I agree.  But I feel it is wrong to say that he was not in the wrong.  He most certainly was.  To say he was not in the wrong is to give him a pass for his behavior.  This feels a lot to me like the rape victim being blamed instead of the perpetrator.

 

[manuelf324]

This is why %100 I believe that you should only date or court with believers. The Holy Ghost would convict him to know better the spirit is what gives us self control over our sinful nature which fights our soul on a daily basis 

[Bert10]

On 12/17/2015 at 4:02 PM, Kari said:

There is something that happened to me a couple months ago and I believe that I need closure. Last year about this time exactly I met someone online. I was crystal clear about what I value in a relationship who I was looking for, and what my boundaries were(I told him that I had made a decision not to have sex again until I was married. We meet in person and of course he seems very nice. He actually seemed very relieved that I didn't want to have sex outside of marriage. I was very open and honest with him about my past relationships, where I have lived, and my job. 

I'll admit I am a hopeless romantic but this does not mean I deserve what I got. He seemed so happy when we met and I realize this might sound like a lifetime movie but there was a passion in his eyes that made me believe he was glad he found me. (I understand that there is an excitement when you first meet someone that does diminish over time).  Well no surprise he is texting and calling me. Couldn't wait to see me again and 2 months in to the relationship he is wanting to spend entire weekends with me. He confided in me that he had been married three times and two of his divorces were bitter. I won't get into details but I did not want to write him off just because he had bad luck with women. Of course, he knew his last 2 wives not even a month before he married them. Perhaps this should have made me think a little more. He was a gentleman because he waited to kiss me until we had been seeing each other about a month and a half. So the first time he asked to me to stay over I reminded him that I would not even entertain the idea of sex unless we were married. He said that I would sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. About three months into the relationship he admits he had looked at porn, naturally upset I told him I would not tolerate that. He promised he would never do it again and insisted he did not want to lose me. Shortly thereafter, he started saying he wanted me to move in with him. My first instinct said NO! I wish I would have listened. I moved in 2 months later after we discussed that I did not want to have sex again until marriage and I did not want him to feel rejected. He had hinted at marriage before I moved in with him! 

When I first moved in he was very happy! Then about a month later that started to dwindle. He was becoming more and more frustrated when we would make out and I would want to stop before it went too far. I was good to him, believe me I am not perfect but I treated him well all things considered. We slept in the same bed but never had sex- I know it may be hard to believe. He was upset when I wanted to sleep in different rooms although I explained that I was not rejecting him and as Christians I wanted God to bless us and not give the devil a foothold. He had been saying when we get married.... (correcting me when I would say if we get married). A good friend of his told me he loved me very much. He showed me a text from another friend that stated "She's a keeper". No wonder I thought he might actually think I was worthy of him. About 2 weeks before the event that changed everything I sensed him pulling away and I didn't talk to him about it out of fear that I would appear insecure or even worse a drama queen. You have no idea how much I regret that. He remains good friends with one of his ex's relatives. He gets a phone call one day that his ex wife's step cousin was having trouble with her boyfriend and I thought that was too bad but never would have expected how much it would impact my life. The next week he finds out her boyfriend has dumped her and she has no place for her dogs. We drive to rescue her dogs while she figured out would she stay with a friend or her parents. A week later she is coming to live with us, he seems a little concerned. Well she arrives and he starts acting like a jerk, suddenly my boyfriend of 7 and a half months was showing me a side of himself that I didn't like. He sorta ignored me and I felt something was not quite right although he swore up and down that they had never been more than friends. Once again, I don't talk to him for the same reason I had all along. She leaves briefly and things seem better and then one morning he tells me he has to break up with me because he can bring himself to marry anyone and because that is what I want eventually our relationship is doomed. Was he wrong for even contacting me to start a relationship when he most likely knew all along he did not want to get married? People close to me have said that the main reason he asked me to move in was because he was hoping I would give in.

Kari....Anciently in the former days of old...A man was not allowed to touch any women that was not of his family. There are many reasons for this. But there is a worst problem today....The worst problem people have today is that they cannot distinguish the difference between conditional love from unconditional love. With conditional love comes fears of all types, there is control, envy and jealousy associated with this love... and God calls it darkness. This is the love that movies extols and society has substituted for the real thing. It is of the level of the flesh...Unconditional love frees people to be themselves..It does not seek to control, it is patient, Respectful, forgiving. For any relationship to work properly Unconditional Love must come from both. In the old days again...women were taught to love honor and obey their husband...because He was her husband for no other reasons....and the man was taught to love his wife..for no other reasons than being his wife. The wife deserves the love and respect of her husband just because she is his wife...and the husband deserves the love and respect of his wife simply because He is her husband. Why? because people change over time in appearances and characters. The very things that made us love someone may disappear in the spouse. What happens next is that the Spouse will seek to control and restore conditions as it was in the beginning of the relationship. Of course this is impossible so stress, hurt feelings, anger and divisions comes followed by divorce. It is vital that people move out of conditional love into unconditional love as soon as possible. And Unconditional love is the same love that God has for each one of us.

[petula]

Oh Kari luv , first , you have been given great advice in the previous answers . You know there were mistakes made by both of you . You need to talk and pray it out with a Godly woman .

Your hopes and dreams have been crushed , and that brings up so many questions and ' what ifs ' , darling he's not the one , our Lord has someone , so much better for you .

Put a line under that experience , its over .I know , it hurts  . Now wait for the Lord to open the door to the right man .

In the meantime , keep busy , become more involved in church and volunteering and take care of yourself , 

God bless you , praying .