Am I really His child?

[Salvadoran15]

Hello everyone, Im Chris and I'm currently 22 going on 23. Im in terrible need of advice as I fear I may be making a huge mistake soon, but first I want to tell you about me. 

I grew up in a Christian home for the most part, but I turned out to be your average rebellious teenager. I hated school, I didn't have many friends, and I was a black sheep to my family. I felt alone and angry at myself and my family, all of which prompted me to leave home and travel to another state on my own, I was 19 when I left. During my journey, I ended up homeless on the streets until a charity group led me to a Gospel Rescue mission where I came to know that Christ saves through faith and not of works. At the time, I felt a deeper understanding and connection with God, something I had never felt before. Also at the time, I made going into the U.S Navy one of my priorities. It was my dream and felt that if I could join, I could finally make my family proud of me and finally make something of myself instead of a homeless bum. After I came to know Christ, I began a new journey first through a bible program they offered. I made new friends in Christ and began to come out of my shell, I was learning new things almost everyday and I was actually happy for the first time in years! In the process I even was reconciled with my family who were actually worried about me. Even so, I kept a narrow vision and pursued the Navy. After graduation, I enrolled in college, did some job traning, and so on in preparation for enlistment. With some setbacks here and there, this process would go on to take over 3 years. And now, I have hit a wall that has prevented me from joining. Because of some medical issues, they made enlisting challenging to the point where I finally gave up on joining. This was in no way God's fault, nothing is, but it was all mine for not applying myself properly as well as my lax and nonchalant nature.

I feel devastated. I feel like I've failed. My dream was now broken. I went to my pastor and told him everything. He told me to sit still and wait on the Lord, that all this time I've been seeking my own will instead of His. I agreed and began to earnestly seek the Lord. But I began to lament to the fact that I was still upset about not joining the Navy. I'm not content. My other brothers have told me to simply get a job and work to get an apartment. But this still doesn't suffice. Ive looked back on my life now and seen that I've produced very little, if any, fruit throughout the years compared to others who have gone off to start successful careers and such. I'm not as ignorant as I used to be and do feel that the Lord has used me to lead others to Christ at times, as well as used my testimony about coming off the streets. But I now see that I'm struggling with my faith. I look to my friends who are avid preachers of Christ and smile even through their problems in life. They have joy, something I just no longer have. And it is these things that make me wonder: 

Did I truly make Christ my personal Savior that day? Is He really the Boss of my life? Was I willing to pick up my cross and follow Him? Am I really His child?

I do believe that all things work together for good to them that love Him, that for by grace are you saved through faith and not of yourselves, so no man can boast. Maybe God has used this situation to chastise and discipline me into being more obedient to Him and not to my own will. As the Word of God states "For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receives". If this is scourging then I most certainly am feeling it. But due to my present circumstances, I feel my faith shaking, even after hours of earnest prayer for His will in my life. I can't shake this feeling for the pride of life. I can't shake this feeling of wanting to run off somewhere and starting all over again. I can't shake this voice telling me that He doesn't even know me and that I'm not His, that I'm not even truly born again. I'm so afraid of not being truly saved, and I'm too afraid to really tell the others of what I'm going through, despite their well meaning and prayers.

I want to serve God, and I want Him to use me for His Glory. But this whole mess has paralyzed me to the point of hopelessness and depression. I just have no direction in life and I can't effectively share the Gospel in joy. I don't expect an answer that will end all my problems, but I would greatly appreciate anyone's input on this.

Thank you very much in advance for your answers.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Salvadoran15
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[RustyAngeL]

Hi Chris and welcome to Worthy.

I can't say one way or the other what your relationship with Jesus is.  That something only known to you and Him.    If you did make Him the Lord and Savior of your life then yes you are His child.  

We all hit rough patches in our walk but the trick is to just keep walking with Him.  

I believe the problems come when we get out of the Word of God and stop spending time with Him. That is a must for growth in our walk.  

Get into a good Bible teaching church.  See if that church has a Bible study where you can go and learn and absorb His Truth. He loves you and will never leave you or forsake you.  That He promise Himself.  

You can also ask your questions here, there are so many who love you and would be very happy to help you in anyway we can.  We also have a chat room where you can come and talk to us one on one.

Blessings, RustyAngeL

[Sister]

Salvadoran 15

Be not dismayed brother, for the Lord has delivered you from having blood on your hands.  This to me shows that God has mercy on you, and is guiding your steps.  God knows what is coming ahead, and he has warned us in the prophesies.  War is coming brother, and if you are in the navy, they will order you to commit violence.  If you are commanded to attack the holy land, there will be no peace for you brother.  You cannot see it now, but later you will recognise it as a blessing.  The Lord will lead you somewhere else, have faith and do not lose hope, he is looking out for your soul.  He will provide for you with all your needs if you keep leaning on him.  Be patient and trust in him, he knows what he is doing.

God bless.