Should you honor an abusive parent

[Erin]

My mum is old and very ill, she possibly doesn't have long left. She has mental health issues and had treated me badly my whole life. My childhood was hell. She was saved before I was born and has spent my life either attending church or going through phases where she dabbles in occult practices. I am very afraid of her and fear that through dabbling with the occult she has exposed herself to real harm which impacts her mental health. 

 

My dad has pleaded with me to be kind to her and let her see my son who she claims to be fond of. I cannot bring myself to go near her. My dad is quoting the requirement to honor parents, however I struggle with that in these circumstances. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you 

[Willa]

The 10 commandments say to honor our parents.  I agree that this can be very hard.  Perhaps sending her a card or a small gift for holidays, or a photo of your son would be ways to honor her without exposing either of you to further abuse.  Tell her that Jesus loves her.  

We are told to love our enemies and pray for those who spitefully use us.  We have to remember that it was while we were yet sinners that Jesus died for us.   We don't deserve God's grace either.  But I don't believe that means we have to be doormats and to be abused.  We are told to avoid people who call themselves Christians but continue in sin, and not even to eat with them in regard to church discipline.  This is one time that it is probably advisable to do so.  Paul warned Christians about Alexander the Coppersmith who had done him much harm.  

We have to forgive for our own well being.  That doesn't mean we need to place ourselves in harm's way or condone their sin.  We need to have pity on them as God has also had pity on us.   Pray for her deliverance.  

 

[thomas t]

Hi Erin,

 

in my opinion, even if there was abuse, there are reasons to present her your child.

It is her grandchild. And your child might appreciate.

I'm not saying you must present her your child. Abusive patterns could even repeat towards your child, as well. Just saying that there are reasons to do so.

 

In case you want to invite her to meet your child you could ask her to bring an independent moderator; and to meet at a neutral place.

You could ask her to answer you via a moderator. Like this you could feel safe.

Moreover, just because of someone being there at the meeting she might refrain from yelling at you or your child, for example, in an attempt to avoid making a bad impression.

But...

12 hours ago, Erin said:

I cannot bring myself to go near her.

If you can't, you can't.

Your body can be very clear about this, too, showing you the symptoms of an illness the day set to meet her...

 

In my opinion, in this case you could try to explain to her why you can't. You could tell her that you are afraid of being exposed to potential further violence - verbal abuse is violence, too, in my wiew.

Fear is nothing to be ashamed of if it's there, in my view.

This explanation could require the presence of a moderator, too. You could ask her to reply via an independent moderator.

 

BTW, I wouldn't send gifts for holidays. If you are afraid of some of her ways of interacting with you, sending gifts would certainly be the wrong message, I guess.

 

Honouring your parents in this case could mean that you could refrain from calling her abusive (in an approach to let God do the judgement). Instead you could refer to deeds or words as being abusive.

 

Regards,

Thomas

[enoob57]

15 hours ago, Erin said:

My mum is old and very ill, she possibly doesn't have long left. She has mental health issues and had treated me badly my whole life. My childhood was hell. She was saved before I was born and has spent my life either attending church or going through phases where she dabbles in occult practices. I am very afraid of her and fear that through dabbling with the occult she has exposed herself to real harm which impacts her mental health. 

 

My dad has pleaded with me to be kind to her and let her see my son who she claims to be fond of. I cannot bring myself to go near her. My dad is quoting the requirement to honor parents, however I struggle with that in these circumstances. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you 

To place honor to a p/Parent is to eschew evil... you are born of earthly parent to which you have need to be born of heavenly Parent. If you are born of God then you already know you are to be in the world not of the world. This must be given to God in prayer with a heart that has forgiven all that the mother has done not of God... I know the heart that God has given me does not will any to perish but that all come to Jesus!  Love, Steven 

[Heleadethme]

16 hours ago, Erin said:

My mum is old and very ill, she possibly doesn't have long left. She has mental health issues and had treated me badly my whole life. My childhood was hell. She was saved before I was born and has spent my life either attending church or going through phases where she dabbles in occult practices. I am very afraid of her and fear that through dabbling with the occult she has exposed herself to real harm which impacts her mental health. 

 

My dad has pleaded with me to be kind to her and let her see my son who she claims to be fond of. I cannot bring myself to go near her. My dad is quoting the requirement to honor parents, however I struggle with that in these circumstances. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you 

We tend to put painful things away out of sight and out of mind, as best we can, understandably.....until one day we find the Lord will cause us through various circumstances to have to face and deal with our pain so that we will begin to truly seek His healing.  In your case it seems that He is using the circumstances of your mother's illness/age, together with the necessity of obeying His word to forgive and honour the one who caused you so much pain....as your rock and hard place, for which only He can provide the resolution as you earnestly seek Him for it.  It is for your good that He wants to heal you.....come to Him with all your pain and confusion and need.....cry on His shoulder and cast these cares on Him because He cares for you.

[shel]

22 hours ago, Erin said:

My mum is old and very ill, she possibly doesn't have long left. She has mental health issues and had treated me badly my whole life. My childhood was hell. She was saved before I was born and has spent my life either attending church or going through phases where she dabbles in occult practices. I am very afraid of her and fear that through dabbling with the occult she has exposed herself to real harm which impacts her mental health. 

 

My dad has pleaded with me to be kind to her and let her see my son who she claims to be fond of. I cannot bring myself to go near her. My dad is quoting the requirement to honor parents, however I struggle with that in these circumstances. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you 

You are in a very tough spot. I agree with you she has most likely exposed herself to harm and is probably tormented by demons. I would not bring my child near her, and if you don't feel safe going to see her I would not force yourself. I'm so sorry you have been through this. I can relate somewhat only not to that extreme - no occult involvement that I'm aware of and my parents live on the opposite coast. The father of my children however might have been a different story and he was very involved in their lives. He passed away 2 years ago. I will tell you though that your prayers and influence in their lives as a Christian mother are more powerful than ANYTHING else. I know this from experience and because of the simple truth that Jesus' death on the cross bought back the dominion we once forfeited. You can stand on this truth and you need not fear.

[john1]

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 4:50 PM, Erin said:

My dad is quoting the requirement to honor parents,

Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
 

 

Earlier in the chapter it says to honor your father and mother, but it doesn't sound like you were brought up in the training of the lord, but if you want to honor her it's up to you, it doesn't mean you have to expose a child to her.

And if you honor you parents it doesn't mean you have to like them, you shouldn't hate though.

 

I've learned I can like people even if I don't like what they do, most people are likeable.