Wife fell out of love

[Billiards Ball]

On 9/12/2018 at 9:55 PM, Marilyn C said:

Hi onedirection,

My dear bro, you have some rather big blind spots affecting your sight. Let me show you. You said -

`I don't have any problem with love. I'm ready to pick this back up at any moment.`  Love is not something you put down and pick up.

`She likes to play with the kids for about an hour and then she's over it.`  That is a judgmental attitude. Your wife needs to do other jobs and responsibilities, such a preparing tea, housework etc. after working outside the home.

`...my 4 year old while she screamed in my ear for a solid 30 minutes because of some tantrum she was having.`  You do not let your child scream for 30 mins. It is unhealthy and definitely not setting boundaries for your child.

`Make no doubt about it, I am what they call a Super Dad.`  That is so, so prideful bro. I would say - super stupid for you then call your wife  `the old lady.`

`Unfortunately that isn't enough to turn the old lady on.`   You continue to shoot yourself in the foot bro. And I`m amazed your wife has stayed with you as long as she has. Sex is NOT love. And Pride comes before a fall and that is what is happening to you, falling.....falling....until you reach the bottom and humble yourself as God says and not as your mind thinks.

Marilyn and Trevor.

 

Respectfully, love is a choice, since it is a verb/an action/agape and not a mere feeling. One can choose today to love his spouse more strongly than before.

The brother is humble and hurting. Love is not mere sex but biblically, withholding invites Satan into the marriage. Show empathy.

[Billiards Ball]

On 9/12/2018 at 12:42 PM, onedirection said:

I like the idea about comparing the logical solution to the emotional one, however the whole paper and pen thing to her immediately becomes logical and she shuts down. I had a notepad out during a talk with her because I needed to organize my thoughts, and she said "See, this is what I hate!". So now I have to rehearse and memorize all the conversations I want to have. I think I can present that verbally in counseling instead.

I like the X and Y approach as well, I'll practice on weaving that into conversation.

I would tell her, "I know people who are emotional, and they love to journal, I'm trying to be better understanding of my emotion by writing down my thoughts, and more faithful to your emotions by writing yours down, so I can meditate on them." Tell the counselor you would like to write down and hold accountable/care for BOTH your and her emotions and logic and see what the counselor says to your wife's reaction.

[onedirection]

You are right  @Billiards Ball ,   @Marilyn C did hit me with a bit of judgement and lack of empathy, but its somewhat warranted. I do want to make a few points clear to my christian brothers and sisters:

• Christ wants the church gathering physically in the streets. These electronic mediums, while powerful, can easily misconstrue the story and do not replace physical gathering. Marilyn doesn't have the full picture, and while trying to be succinct in my write-ups to be respectful of people's time, there are details left out that cause misinterpretation.
   
• Historically I've been prideful, its my baggage, it is how I was brought up. I'm a rags to riches sort of success story, with a chip on my shoulder from a tough neighborhood. In response to Marilyn, I have started a devotion on pride.
   
• In my defense, some of the pride is a reaction to what my wife has done to me. By abandoning and rejecting me she has pushed me so low. I've never in my life had someone attack my self-esteem in this way. To overcompensate, I may be found beating my chest as a way to stay on top of this. Obviously that has rubbed certain people the wrong way. In my pride devotional, I will attempt to discern between all of these situations through the power of prayer.

Here are some clarifications on what I said:

• I didn't mean I pick love up and down, what I mean is I'll never stop loving her even though she has forsaken me. In the meantime I'm not gushing all over her because it makes her uncomfortable. I'd love to be writing her love notes and hugging all the time, but she has made it clear that I need to cut it out. When she is ready for me to start that again I will.
• I don't have any issues in how we split chores or child rearing, I was just stating a fact that I happen to be more hands on with the kids which most women would feel to be a very attractive man quality.
• I don't need any advice on how I'm raising my kids at this time, but I will let you know.
• Yea and the last part is my frustration coming through. So there you have it.

Regarding your recommendations BB - they are all good and accurate, but unfortunately not of use in my situation. My wife has decided to quit both individual and couples counseling. She does not want to write things down or have deep talks. This isn't the first time I've seen her write people off. She has done this with her father and sister. Typically the move with her is to ignore that the situation happened, keep acting normal, and wait 6 months. One day she'll magically start kissing and touching me again.

So I guess I'll just pray until that happens. There is no way she'll walk out on me and the kids. But withholding love and affection? She can keep that up forever. Oh well for me :(

[GandalfTheWise]

One of the things that is hardest for men to deal with is lack of respect, and lack of a physical relationship is not too far behind that.   When the one you've pledged yourself to for life does not enthusiastically give those things, it's draining, demoralizing, and discouraging.   My guess is that a lot of Christian men are in that boat or have been in it, some for temporary periods of time, and others for longer period of times.  Most of them quietly keep it to themselves and just bear under the burden.   The majority soldier on maintaining their integrity.   Some slowly crack without realizing it.  That nice (and I mean a sincerely nice) female colleague or friend who gives honest compliments and an occasional pat on the back or hug serves as a stark reminder of what it is like to have someone respect you and how wonderful sincere spontaneous physical contact is.   Many Christian men can slowly fall into an emotional affair where that nice person sincerely gives them something their wife is not.  Many don't realize it's happening and I'd guess many affairs and potentially subsequent divorces among Christians are caused by this type of scenario.

The reality is that the church is often not really there for those men and often unintentionally adds to the burden by making it their fault that they are not spiritual enough so that it doesn't bother them.   Most Christian men are loath to bad mouth their wives or tell anyone around them what is happening because they respect their wives too much to air dirty laundry to those who personally know her.   At a time when they most need support of Christian men around them, they are absolutely *not* going to tell anyone who knows their wife what is going on other than a perhaps vague "things aren't going so well right now" and probably most of the men around them pretty much know what they mean, but won't say anything out of respect.

Spiritual maturity does lessen the impact of such things on a man, but it does not remove the sadness over a sense of loss of what might have been nor does it create that sense of joy and wonder at being with someone who freely gives things that make life so much more enjoyable. 

Hang in there.   

[Billiards Ball]

2 hours ago, onedirection said:

You are right  @Billiards Ball ,   @Marilyn C did hit me with a bit of judgement and lack of empathy, but its somewhat warranted. I do want to make a few points clear to my christian brothers and sisters:

• Christ wants the church gathering physically in the streets. These electronic mediums, while powerful, can easily misconstrue the story and do not replace physical gathering. Marilyn doesn't have the full picture, and while trying to be succinct in my write-ups to be respectful of people's time, there are details left out that cause misinterpretation.
   
• Historically I've been prideful, its my baggage, it is how I was brought up. I'm a rags to riches sort of success story, with a chip on my shoulder from a tough neighborhood. In response to Marilyn, I have started a devotion on pride.
   
• In my defense, some of the pride is a reaction to what my wife has done to me. By abandoning and rejecting me she has pushed me so low. I've never in my life had someone attack my self-esteem in this way. To overcompensate, I may be found beating my chest as a way to stay on top of this. Obviously that has rubbed certain people the wrong way. In my pride devotional, I will attempt to discern between all of these situations through the power of prayer.

Here are some clarifications on what I said:

• I didn't mean I pick love up and down, what I mean is I'll never stop loving her even though she has forsaken me. In the meantime I'm not gushing all over her because it makes her uncomfortable. I'd love to be writing her love notes and hugging all the time, but she has made it clear that I need to cut it out. When she is ready for me to start that again I will.
• I don't have any issues in how we split chores or child rearing, I was just stating a fact that I happen to be more hands on with the kids which most women would feel to be a very attractive man quality.
• I don't need any advice on how I'm raising my kids at this time, but I will let you know.
• Yea and the last part is my frustration coming through. So there you have it.

Regarding your recommendations BB - they are all good and accurate, but unfortunately not of use in my situation. My wife has decided to quit both individual and couples counseling. She does not want to write things down or have deep talks. This isn't the first time I've seen her write people off. She has done this with her father and sister. Typically the move with her is to ignore that the situation happened, keep acting normal, and wait 6 months. One day she'll magically start kissing and touching me again.

So I guess I'll just pray until that happens. There is no way she'll walk out on me and the kids. But withholding love and affection? She can keep that up forever. Oh well for me

...and you need to continue counseling, with a biblical counselor.

[Marilyn C]

11 hours ago, onedirection said:

You are right  @Billiards Ball ,   @Marilyn C did hit me with a bit of judgement and lack of empathy, but its somewhat warranted.

 

So I guess I'll just pray until that happens. There is no way she'll walk out on me and the kids. But withholding love and affection? She can keep that up forever. Oh well for me

Hi onedirection,

I`m sorry you feel I didn`t show empathy. I gave you some straight talking and I`m glad you see that `somewhat.`  I see you are nearly at the `cliff edge` of your relationship and blindly going on not realising that your wife, can and probably will walk out on you and take the children. Why? Well I`ve being trying to show you your behaviour and you give excuses.

So...for example what excuse do you have for publically, (here on Worthy) calling your wife - the old lady!!!!!

My concern is for you both and straight talking takes away the excuses and looks at the reality. If you want me to say anymore, then please ask.

regards, & praying, Marilyn.

[onedirection]

Thank you for the continued prayers!

I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this book, but its been a real eye opener: Beyond the Battle: A Man's Guide to his Identity in Christ in an Oversexualized World.

I think I saw it promoted after reading the "die to self" sticky, which of course you first quoted weeks back. It has turned all the christian marriage counseling books on their heads. Love tank, love bank, I've been wrapped up in a lot of these concepts and this book offers a fresh perspective, and also takes the pride and entitlement out of the situation.

For far too long I've been idolizing my wife and calling it love. I've been expecting blessings in return for staying married, not cheating, and doing the "family thing". I forgive my wife, but can't help being reminded of my resentment every time she picks a fight, puts me down, or just ignores me emotionally, which then undoes the forgiving.

These reactions are so core to my humanity, I'm not even consciously making these decisions with free will. Its like breathing. That must be what is so defeating about the whole situation and all I can do is continue to pray and ask forgiveness.

Today I'm thankful for the wife I have, despite her flaws. If she looks my way and grins, I'm happy for that. I'm not entitled to have my hand held. I'm not entitled to be told that I was a good dad today. And I'm thankful for the grace that has been given by God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, even though I'm undeserving. Amen.

[Sharky and George]

Onedirection, I relate your situation so much to my current girlfriend and I sort of know how hard it is for you Brother.

 

Quote

 

Spiritual maturity does lessen the impact of such things on a man, but it does not remove the sadness over a sense of loss of what might have been nor does it create that sense of joy and wonder at being with someone who freely gives things that make life so much more enjoyable. 

Hang in there.   

 

That quote applies to both of us.

 

 

I help my girlfriend endlessly and she gives no effort back although we do still have fun together and good times. The thing is that she does not lift a finger. I am putting in a top effort at repenting of my embarrassing sin problem but secretly I do not think that she has. I know her problem is her heart but I am not sure if that is all. I would say her heart is a massive part of it.

Her heart is such as mess and she is so un-wise. I teach her wisdom and exactly what to do to be at peace but then her heart says "oh but I need to watch TV as I cannot be bothered to do that". So we "watch TV" but then she is suffering again as she does not heed my wisdom e.g. go on the facts of the bible and not feelings when you think your best friend no longer wants to see you - there is no rational reasoning here and so I have to re-assure her before she sees them the next day. It is a drain, a real drain.

 

 

So what I do is get worn out for a day and then block my phone lol for a few days and we are happy again

 

 

Her heart and lack of wanting to try is breaking my heart as I try so hard for her.

 

 

I am being persecuted for my faith at the same time while this is going on but Brother, I preach the gospel in town and light seems to "shine through the clouds".

If I am being honest then I will say that in the persecution she has been company and therefore a great help to me.

If I am wise I will not let her drain me and instead bless her every now and then to stop the pain of the persecution.

 

 

Most of the time life is good but I fear the persecution will end me up getting hurt very badly e.g. lose my house and my freedom.

 

 

All this may seem proud and it probably is - someone say if it is and tell me why. I really am open to listening. Onedirection I find that saying all of this is good emotional clearing - like a problem shared is a problem halved.

[Marilyn C]

14 hours ago, onedirection said:

Thank you for the continued prayers!

 

Today I'm thankful for the wife I have, despite her flaws. If she looks my way and grins, I'm happy for that. I'm not entitled to have my hand held. I'm not entitled to be told that I was a good dad today. And I'm thankful for the grace that has been given by God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, even though I'm undeserving. Amen.

Hi onedirection,

Wonderful! So glad for you. Being real is a great key, and appreciating what we do have. So glad for you and may you continue to develop as God changes you, and may your dear wife see the changes and appreciate who God is making you into - (like Christ).

regards, Marilyn.

[Marilyn C]

7 hours ago, Sharky and George said:

Onedirection, I relate your situation so much to my current girlfriend and I sort of know how hard it is for you Brother.

 

That quote applies to both of us.

I help my girlfriend endlessly and she gives no effort back .....

Hi Sharky and George,

I do feel for your bro. as the relationship would be draining and frustrating. May I suggest that you match her efforts and not go overboard. It is not helping her. For her to mature she needs to put in effort and it seems you are doing it for her. 

regards, Marilyn.