Dealing With Autism (my deepest wish)

[LittlePebble10]

I am normally an introvert and prefer the internet as a form of social life. I can be who I am and not have to worry about my appearance. I am most comfortable having what I call my little items. I mentioned this before, but I have not brought it up in a while. I find having a stuffed animal and an adult sized pacifier helps me focus. They do make them for autism and people trying to quit smoking. Of course when the task requires more freedom of movement I do use my pacifier and my plush will be in a seat by my electronics lab table. I bring this up again because with social distancing dying down I really want to do something that is my deepest wish. For the longest time I wanted to not be afraid to use my pacifier out in a public setting. Mind you, I would be modest with it. I do keep it on a string when ever I am at home. I can always put it in my shirt when ever its absolutely necessary. I really cant explain how this works. I am not sure if its an oral fixation because the idea is to hold it in my mouth and fiddle with my tongue. Like my normal stemming is to talk audibly which does bother me in a way. It is not exactly appropriate in a lot of situations and I always have people tell me to shut up. I never found it helpful to physically move either. My Wonderland has worked, but only if I can balance it with my tasks. I wonder if what C. S. Lewis said was anything this deep. This is not fear its anxiety. Putting away childish things would be to accept my autism and my need to stemm. To put away childish things including the fear to be like a child. "Any one who welcomes this child welcomes me." Paraphrasing from memory of course. (Mathew 18:1-5) That is my favorite passage. 

 

The reason this is my deepest wish is because it takes an enormous weight off of having to stem with my imagination. Yes, I made the impossible happen. I even had people ask me how I stemm and why its not noticeable. In College I was able to take notes and so I used little areas to write my thoughts and my emotions on paper. I even sketch noted things. In a lecture this works marvelously I was even able to recall better because I could balance everything. My coping strategies although very weird can be effective. I can put up a rather desperate fight against my emotions. When things crumble my pacifier does not stop these emotions. Instead it does something even more important. It makes it a whole lot easier to go through these emotions instead of resisting them. With my pacifier I can go through the emotions before it ever becomes drastic. I hate having to excuse myself to the bathroom when ever I have to in normal outings. By the time I get to the bathroom; I bottled it up to the point it takes longer. I think the underlining question is not whether it bothers people. I am still bothering people when I am occupying a stall. The real question is, can I come up with a simple, "how far can I go with it?" If I can be modest about it then it won't be a problem. Some simple ground rules right? I did ask this on a support forum for those who use this as a coping strategy. I thought I would explain this here as well to also have a Christian perspective as well. If I am going to slowly immerse myself into using this out in the open then I will need to be open about why. What better place then the forums? 

 

Side note

I do apologize for posting in this part of the forum a bit more often then I probably should. I did bring this up before due to it being part of my art. I may not have gone in this much detail though. I spent an hour on making this shorter. How did that happen? SIGH

[LittlePebble10]

55 minutes ago, DDisconnect said:

It's all good.

Forgive me if I'm being ignorant here, but aren't there substitutes you could use to stim likewise instead, with something like a lollipop? Or maybe get like a plastic one if you don't want a ton of sugar or you want it to last awhile. That way it might raise less eyebrows.

However, if I have misunderstood and the pacifier is a necessary thing... In my experience, people don't often make a big deal about something unless you do. Often people would call it "confidence," but I prefer to describe it as calm and comfort within one's own skin - A mindset like, "It just is what it is". Just have to go about it like it's no big deal and not shy away from explaining it if anyone asks. Again though, I don't know as much about it as I really probably should, so that's just my ignorant two cents, lol.

I was rather vulnerable to my emotions last night. So, spending an hour to reduce 4 long paragraphs to 2 short ones was not easy. However, I would make a lousy writer if I did not put myself to the challenge even when I may not feel like it. You might be surprised to know the support forum with one of its respected members mentioned how I would be forcing some one to see a type of fetish. This person has said very wise things in the past. He always seems very well thought out in his responses. He did respond in a respectful way. I was kind of caught off guard because no one responded within a couple hours. Then he did, but made a rather interesting point that made it all very clear. It took a while to click, but when it did I realize now that this might be more important for me to fallow through. Even if I only manage to make myself comfortable with a stuffed animal and pacifier in my own apartment with the blinds open I would achieve something for those with severe anxiety. No one responded at first because this topic has been brought up on this forum several times before. This is a sure sign that it is a deep desire for others like me who only want to be tolerated in normal society. No one needs to show acceptance or even agreement. Just enough respect to show that it is tolerated enough for people who use this for severe social anxiety and invisible disabilities. If that makes sense.

 

There are even those who will do kind of like a play thing out in the open. Come to think of it I vaguely remember seeing a thread of a person who did this. It had a picture of him in shortels, an Elmo shirt, and a pacifier on a traditional clip. Sitting in a booth at a restaurant. He was an adult fully dressed, but in the full costume. We call this age regression because the community is really big. I certainly would not do an all on full age regression out in the open. I call my concept a halfway age regression because its minimal with modesty in mind. This subculture ranges from those who have a wide range of disabilities to those who use this for a fun activity just for the thrill. Like "Hey I will dress up like your kid and we can go to a restaurant like parent and child." However, the near entirety of this culture is closed off because of how the media portrayed us in the past. The member of the forum I mentioned is not wrong about getting dirty looks. I imagine those who are aware of this subculture have a lot of wrong information. Yet, I wonder how many actually know. Just like the subculture Tulpamancy. If only I had a dime for every question about witch craft or some outlandish thing they read from Creepy pastas. However, putting this concern aside I choose to continue this journey. Only with a whole new reason. I hope to make a record of it. Yet, it was very particular people who got dark about the question. Most would look it up and then become concerned. I hope to provide insight on what it looks like to not be afraid. Sometimes this really is a necessary thing for me. However, I am so afraid to use it that I break down long before I do. If I can overcome the fear then perhaps I will allow myself before it becomes dire with my emotions. 

[Billiards Ball]

15 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

I am normally an introvert and prefer the internet as a form of social life. I can be who I am and not have to worry about my appearance. I am most comfortable having what I call my little items. I mentioned this before, but I have not brought it up in a while. I find having a stuffed animal and an adult sized pacifier helps me focus. They do make them for autism and people trying to quit smoking. Of course when the task requires more freedom of movement I do use my pacifier and my plush will be in a seat by my electronics lab table. I bring this up again because with social distancing dying down I really want to do something that is my deepest wish. For the longest time I wanted to not be afraid to use my pacifier out in a public setting. Mind you, I would be modest with it. I do keep it on a string when ever I am at home. I can always put it in my shirt when ever its absolutely necessary. I really cant explain how this works. I am not sure if its an oral fixation because the idea is to hold it in my mouth and fiddle with my tongue. Like my normal stemming is to talk audibly which does bother me in a way. It is not exactly appropriate in a lot of situations and I always have people tell me to shut up. I never found it helpful to physically move either. My Wonderland has worked, but only if I can balance it with my tasks. I wonder if what C. S. Lewis said was anything this deep. This is not fear its anxiety. Putting away childish things would be to accept my autism and my need to stemm. To put away childish things including the fear to be like a child. "Any one who welcomes this child welcomes me." Paraphrasing from memory of course. (Mathew 18:1-5) That is my favorite passage. 

 

The reason this is my deepest wish is because it takes an enormous weight off of having to stem with my imagination. Yes, I made the impossible happen. I even had people ask me how I stemm and why its not noticeable. In College I was able to take notes and so I used little areas to write my thoughts and my emotions on paper. I even sketch noted things. In a lecture this works marvelously I was even able to recall better because I could balance everything. My coping strategies although very weird can be effective. I can put up a rather desperate fight against my emotions. When things crumble my pacifier does not stop these emotions. Instead it does something even more important. It makes it a whole lot easier to go through these emotions instead of resisting them. With my pacifier I can go through the emotions before it ever becomes drastic. I hate having to excuse myself to the bathroom when ever I have to in normal outings. By the time I get to the bathroom; I bottled it up to the point it takes longer. I think the underlining question is not whether it bothers people. I am still bothering people when I am occupying a stall. The real question is, can I come up with a simple, "how far can I go with it?" If I can be modest about it then it won't be a problem. Some simple ground rules right? I did ask this on a support forum for those who use this as a coping strategy. I thought I would explain this here as well to also have a Christian perspective as well. If I am going to slowly immerse myself into using this out in the open then I will need to be open about why. What better place then the forums? 

 

Side note

I do apologize for posting in this part of the forum a bit more often then I probably should. I did bring this up before due to it being part of my art. I may not have gone in this much detail though. I spent an hour on making this shorter. How did that happen? SIGH

Considering our modern culture and the fact that my wife recently wore her wedding dress for a several mile stroll through our neighborhood for fun, the issue isn't whether the pacifier is culturally accepted, but whether you are able to live your life apart from fear and anxiety. Pray about it.

[LittlePebble10]

3 hours ago, Billiards Ball said:

Considering our modern culture and the fact that my wife recently wore her wedding dress for a several mile stroll through our neighborhood for fun, the issue isn't whether the pacifier is culturally accepted, but whether you are able to live your life apart from fear and anxiety. Pray about it.

That is probably the weirdest part about all of this. I become so overwhelmed with feeling alone. I did open up my blinds a little today. My computer is by the back porch sliding door window. I have my band saw sitting on a large tool cabinet so I am hidden enough to feel secure and the exposure is balanced. My apartment is a bit of a mess as it usually is when I am feeling with things. I was doing good there for a while and then missed my antidepressant the other day. I am currently unemployed, but really I have mixed feelings about getting a job. I hate being paid to sit at home. Especially when I am scared to simply open up the blinds to see the sun set. I used to be adamant about getting up at the crack of dawn to see the sun rise. My mother was convinced it had something to do with sun downing. Like seeing the sun set caused my depression somehow. If I pull it off and God provides a miracle with my books and technical hobby then I won't need a job. I will be soo busy with book signings. When I am not signing books then I will be in the shop soldering circuits together, building cabinets, and perhaps commissions for the Kandi Techno musicians out there.

 

My book series is based off of a mix of many historical events from American history and Biblical history. The team of guardians has two characters that are based off of my coping strategies in age regression. Molly Charleston is a cat fox hybrid who studied complex computer science and digital circuitry. She is the mainframe engineer for the sky ship Lysteria. Her connection to pacifiers began with her 16th birthday. It has a history of when she was 6 years old, but you will have to get the book when I publish it. She was a musician in a techno band and she built her own electronic keytar and synth cabinet. Noah Truman on the other hand had a difficult life with friendships. The only way he can focus on his work is to use a pacifier instead of a pen cap or a wooden stick to chew on. He is a dragon fox hybrid. He shines best with the analogue circuitry. Molly depended on recorded samples for her instrument because building the effects processing was hard enough. Making the voice of her instrument would not have been her cup of tea. Noah is a communications engineer for the radio. He is masterful at both cryptography and cartography. Taking the ability to hide maps an audio stream and encrypt coordinates is what ultimately keeps the sky ship Lysteria safe and hidden in the clouds. Hiding a blimp the size of a foot ball stadium is not easy. Lily and Molly become really close friends. They have no romantic interest with each-other, but their bond is still closer than siblings. Why would God give me these very deep details about life that technically does not exist? I refuse to think that my life is this way with my coping strategies in Tulpamancy and age regression unless there is a purpose that God has for my life. Being Christian does not mean life will get easier. It means that I won't be alone in these difficult problems that my TBI and autism has put me in.     

 

[LittlePebble10]

2 minutes ago, DDisconnect said:

Oooh, age regression. Sorry, I don't know why that didn't really click with me the first time. I'm somewhat familiar with that - enough to know that it isn't of "that" nature. Practitioners of age play have kind of, uh... Probably given people the wrong idea. To a point where people on the outside looking in don't see or know the difference between age regression and paraphilic infantilism. It would really help if folks didn't use the terms interchangeably.

Beyond restating my first post, maybe it might be wise to bring it up with people beforehand. Like explain it to them, the difference and that it is not a fetishistic thing, and then ask them whether or not they are uncomfortable with it. If they don't seem willing to be around it, then just let them know that you may occasionally excuse yourself to relieve any of your anxiety or whatever the case may be. Still with that "it is what it is" mindset, but with a bit of consideration as well.

With how I had some ups and downs with this already I might as well lighten the mood with a joke. Like I managed to reply to people without any gaps. I used to hit writers block when I came across this in my writing. The dialogue of two or more characters would be so perfectly balanced it seemed out of place. I still need to work on it. My Tulpas miss the times we used writing as a medium to get together. I get so busy at times imagining the wonderland while I work makes things possible. Not exactly the best way though. It has its draw backs. A topic I should include on my new public diary. 

The media really does stretch the truth nowadays. They do this with every subculture though. They make Christians sound really hateful at times. Thanks soo much for your kind words. You really have been a wonderful example of what the Christian subculture really is. This thread would look so cool if we all had a separate color for our responses. LOL  

[Billiards Ball]

14 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

That is probably the weirdest part about all of this. I become so overwhelmed with feeling alone. I did open up my blinds a little today. My computer is by the back porch sliding door window. I have my band saw sitting on a large tool cabinet so I am hidden enough to feel secure and the exposure is balanced. My apartment is a bit of a mess as it usually is when I am feeling with things. I was doing good there for a while and then missed my antidepressant the other day. I am currently unemployed, but really I have mixed feelings about getting a job. I hate being paid to sit at home. Especially when I am scared to simply open up the blinds to see the sun set. I used to be adamant about getting up at the crack of dawn to see the sun rise. My mother was convinced it had something to do with sun downing. Like seeing the sun set caused my depression somehow. If I pull it off and God provides a miracle with my books and technical hobby then I won't need a job. I will be soo busy with book signings. When I am not signing books then I will be in the shop soldering circuits together, building cabinets, and perhaps commissions for the Kandi Techno musicians out there.

 

My book series is based off of a mix of many historical events from American history and Biblical history. The team of guardians has two characters that are based off of my coping strategies in age regression. Molly Charleston is a cat fox hybrid who studied complex computer science and digital circuitry. She is the mainframe engineer for the sky ship Lysteria. Her connection to pacifiers began with her 16th birthday. It has a history of when she was 6 years old, but you will have to get the book when I publish it. She was a musician in a techno band and she built her own electronic keytar and synth cabinet. Noah Truman on the other hand had a difficult life with friendships. The only way he can focus on his work is to use a pacifier instead of a pen cap or a wooden stick to chew on. He is a dragon fox hybrid. He shines best with the analogue circuitry. Molly depended on recorded samples for her instrument because building the effects processing was hard enough. Making the voice of her instrument would not have been her cup of tea. Noah is a communications engineer for the radio. He is masterful at both cryptography and cartography. Taking the ability to hide maps an audio stream and encrypt coordinates is what ultimately keeps the sky ship Lysteria safe and hidden in the clouds. Hiding a blimp the size of a foot ball stadium is not easy. Lily and Molly become really close friends. They have no romantic interest with each-other, but their bond is still closer than siblings. Why would God give me these very deep details about life that technically does not exist? I refuse to think that my life is this way with my coping strategies in Tulpamancy and age regression unless there is a purpose that God has for my life. Being Christian does not mean life will get easier. It means that I won't be alone in these difficult problems that my TBI and autism has put me in.     

 

In this economy? I would get a job if I could, while they still can be secured, since I always feel better working than not. Enjoying work is one of the few things that has lasting meaning in Ecclesiastes.

I think it's also important for you to have a job so that you're forced to leave your home, rather than become a shut in. Get out there if you can!

[LittlePebble10]

33 minutes ago, Billiards Ball said:

In this economy? I would get a job if I could, while they still can be secured, since I always feel better working than not. Enjoying work is one of the few things that has lasting meaning in Ecclesiastes.

I think it's also important for you to have a job so that you're forced to leave your home, rather than become a shut in. Get out there if you can!

Being an author is a job technically. Mind you, you need money getting started. Even Mark Crily mentioned in his YT videos that he had to work while he was promoting his books. He is more a comic book artist than anything else though. My books will have pictures where necessary. Still, I am playing it by ear until I know for certain. My plan is to get a job at a home improvement or hardware store. Its been a good long while since I really pushed my self against anxiety as a customer courtesy clerk at a grocery store. However, I want to try and make it temporary if I do get that sort of job. God called me to be a writer and an artist after all.

.

Update

Past two days I was able to bring my blinds open to the point you can see through them. I imagine people have to be looking long enough in order to spot me. I hope to get my apartment cleaned up the rest of the way before the week end. Especially since I am doing away with the blinds. I really hope to have my main room spotless so I can move the blinds entirely. They will be there, but I am looking forward to not having to be anxious over it. I even plan to take the bath towels off my bedroom window. Yes, thats how bad my anxiety was there for a little while. My room is mostly art themed with stuffed animals and my pony collection. Mostly it is art with a toddler theme if that make sense. If I am going to age regress and play pretend I will put up some sort of curtains. That way I am modest about it. If I am only using a pacifier and holding a stuffed animal while dressed normally then I am not going to worry about it. I really did not think it would be this easy and this quick to do. I have been to Bronycon with my pacifier and stuffed animal. That might help explain why its been so smooth going.   

[Billiards Ball]

23 minutes ago, LittlePebble10 said:

Being an author is a job technically. Mind you, you need money getting started. Even Mark Crily mentioned in his YT videos that he had to work while he was promoting his books. He is more a comic book artist than anything else though. My books will have pictures where necessary. Still, I am playing it by ear until I know for certain. My plan is to get a job at a home improvement or hardware store. Its been a good long while since I really pushed my self against anxiety as a customer courtesy clerk at a grocery store. However, I want to try and make it temporary if I do get that sort of job. God called me to be a writer and an artist after all.

.

Update

Past two days I was able to bring my blinds open to the point you can see through them. I imagine people have to be looking long enough in order to spot me. I hope to get my apartment cleaned up the rest of the way before the week end. Especially since I am doing away with the blinds. I really hope to have my main room spotless so I can move the blinds entirely. They will be there, but I am looking forward to not having to be anxious over it. I even plan to take the bath towels off my bedroom window. Yes, thats how bad my anxiety was there for a little while. My room is mostly art themed with stuffed animals and my pony collection. Mostly it is art with a toddler theme if that make sense. If I am going to age regress and play pretend I will put up some sort of curtains. That way I am modest about it. If I am only using a pacifier and holding a stuffed animal while dressed normally then I am not going to worry about it. I really did not think it would be this easy and this quick to do. I have been to Bronycon with my pacifier and stuffed animal. That might help explain why its been so smooth going.   

I'm excited for your progress.

I had about a year where I was unemployed in the traditional sense and did side hustles including several paid writing gigs. It was a healthy move for me to go back to a workplace.

[furrychristian]

While I'm not autistic, I do have a chew necklace. I have actual damage to my teeth from chewing on pieces of plastic, so it's a good item to have in place of other stuff. My mom happened to catch me with it and she thought it was ridiculous when I explained what it was, lol.

I also have numerous stuffed animals, and while I don't carry them with me everywhere, they are certainly comfort items. As well as just being cute. I have a custom made doll that I commissioned that's of my fursona, and I've done things like brought her to the store with me. Also worn parts of my fursuit (like handpaws) on a shopping trip. People actually seemed to get a kick out of it

[LittlePebble10]

21 hours ago, furrychristian said:

While I'm not autistic, I do have a chew necklace. I have actual damage to my teeth from chewing on pieces of plastic, so it's a good item to have in place of other stuff. My mom happened to catch me with it and she thought it was ridiculous when I explained what it was, lol.

I also have numerous stuffed animals, and while I don't carry them with me everywhere, they are certainly comfort items. As well as just being cute. I have a custom made doll that I commissioned that's of my fursona, and I've done things like brought her to the store with me. Also worn parts of my fursuit (like handpaws) on a shopping trip. People actually seemed to get a kick out of it

And that right there is a big argument that I use. Only the act of chewing does nothing for me. Hints why I sometimes wonder if this is an oral fixation at all. I can eat my weight in soft candies if it was not for my pacifier. The feeling of something soft helps me concentrate. Even sucking is not really a part of it. Actually if you keep a constant low pressure in your mouth from sucking it begins to hurt. Generally I just fiddle with the nipple the same way one would with the back end of a pencil or if your a farmer, a piece of hay. I just find that the rubber nipple is a lot more appealing then the other items. Plus being an artist and a DIY'r the drool on the marking utensil actually becomes a problem. Thant and if your walking around or doing complex math the soft nipple is a whole lot more comfortable over longer periods of time. I actually buy the expensive Pacifiers R Us Ortho number 7 type. When ever the sheild plastic wears out I will break the button and get the nipple out of an infant pacifier.

 

Mams work great for this, but I hate how they don't have something to clip to. Although Avent pacifiers can be used as well. They do have something to clip to, but are harder to get apart. I had a friend tell me she used to work at a pacifier factory and said that most pacifiers are fused together under force. Like the machine will physically pop them together and use a high-frequency tool that will momentarily melt the plastic. Once bonded it is not possible to get apart. I had a couple that the plastic button will tear apart before the button comes off. After spending 60usd for a pacifier you sort of find ways to reuse the nipple until it is for-sure not usable anymore. Like the nipple will stick together on the inside which means the rubber is starting to break down. Generally I replace my pacifiers with new ones at least once a year, but I have used the nipples a lot longer before. I try to get two so that way if I don't have the money at the end of the year I will still have a second one to use. 

 

Update

I am sitting at my computer with my pacifier in my mouth. I moved the tool chest and the big handsaw that was sitting on it. I rearranged my main room to be a lot more open. I gotten a lot done with the big boost I got from this decision to overcome my fear. The feeling is starting to wear off. Having the blinds open while I use my pacifier is becoming normal for me. Mostly if I have not mentioned it yet, my apartment glass doors to my porch face a bunch of trees. There are occasional passer bys, but its been really quiet. Like only time people passed by was either on a cart for doing apartment maintenance or alike a bike. Not sure why anyone would be on a bike in the grass, but hey not many people with a pacifier out in the open either. For the most part I am concentrating on securing my ability to use my pacifier and or hold my plushy without care of being seen. I do want to tackle my ability to be at like a restaurant, library, or other reasonable place with my pacifier. I still need to make plans on how I will display modesty while doing so. What kind of moments would I need to put it away and how should I consider using my pacifier when I really need it. Like if its in a place that may not be appropriate, but it becomes absolutely necessary for calming down? These are things I will be thinking about. I also will also start blogging this instead of keeping up with this thread. Right now its helpful to put updates on the forums due to being busy with my apartment. I am so determined to have my place organized where I can do electronics again and to do so that is low level programming and extensive on the math. Like MOSfets, op amps, and amplifier filter type math stuff. Totally wanting to make my Lily Molly Poly-synth something amazing!