Husband desires less modesty, more "sexy" clothing

[Wynona]

I was influenced by Apostolic Pentecostals before my husband and I left. 

My convictions led me to stop wearing pants and wearing skirts and dresses. (I don't think women wearing pants is unbiblical but I find it easier to be modest wearing skirts and dresses).

My husband told me I dress too frumpy and while I wasn't at the worst level, he wanted me to wear things like jeans, show a little cleavage, and wear denim fitted shorts again.

I am morally conflicted about the denim shorts and cleavage. I think they're immodest. I define modesty as an intention of my heart when I put on clothes that Im wearing what's appropriate and Godly. 

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

 

I told him I could dress better and not always shop at thrift stores but would need some time to think about dropping certain standards. 

[missmuffet]

3 hours ago, Wynona said:

I was influenced by Apostolic Pentecostals before my husband and I left. 

My convictions led me to stop wearing pants and wearing skirts and dresses. (I don't think women wearing pants is unbiblical but I find it easier to be modest wearing skirts and dresses).

My husband told me I dress too frumpy and while I wasn't at the worst level, he wanted me to wear things like jeans, show a little cleavage, and wear denim fitted shorts again.

I am morally conflicted about the denim shorts and cleavage. I think they're immodest. I define modesty as an intention of my heart when I put on clothes that Im wearing what's appropriate and Godly. 

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

 

I told him I could dress better and not always shop at thrift stores but would need some time to think about dropping certain standards. 

Your husband is wrong and his heart is not in the right place for a Christian to be. You should dress modest as a Christian. 

[GandalfTheWise]

@Wynona    Roughly speaking, there are 3 general environments for how we dress: public, casual around home, and in the bedroom.   What's appropriate in one might not be in another.   But phrasing that another way, what not's appropriate in one might be in another.   Our dress, hygiene, hair cuts, appearance, etc. in private and public does have an impact on our relationship with our spouse.   A part of how I dress is driven by avoiding my wife saying "you're not going out looking like that, are you?"  Going someplace and having part of her mind occupied with being embarrassed over how I'm dressed is simply not constructive.  Wearing something during the day that bothers her affects our relationship.  She hates cargo pants though I think they are the greatest clothing invention ever.  I don't wear them because she simply cannot get past her dislike for them and they constantly distract her.  Obviously that's not a modesty or morality issue, but it strikes to the reality that such things can affect our relationship and how much we enjoy being around each other.

To some degree modesty is a subjective thing.  It is different to dress attractively than to dress to advertise availability.  It is different when it comes from guilt and shame rather than positive motives.   It is different to dress when our spouse is the only person to see us versus strangers.  We should have different levels of modesty around our spouse versus casual acquaintances or strangers.

Without knowing the real fundamental reason why your husband is asking, it's not possible to give a helpful answer.   Sometimes the particular issue being argued about in a marriage is a symptom of something deeper.   I think the important thing is to figure out what his real motive is.   Is it a selfish one he should back down from?  Or is he just tired of never seeing his attractive wife in anything other than a gunny sack and looking like his grandmother?  I'm not saying this is the case, but if how you dress reminds him of his grandmother, that is going to really mess with his emotions in a negative way.  If there is something like that going on, it's worth doing something about it.

It can take some work to figure out what the real issue is sometimes.  Often we aren't aware of it ourselves.  I think the real key here is figuring out what it is that he really is asking for and why.  If how you are dressing is causing negative feelings in him, it's not constructive in the long run and needs to be worked out in some manner you are both comfortable with.

 

[johnthebaptist]

8 hours ago, Wynona said:

I was influenced by Apostolic Pentecostals before my husband and I left. 

My convictions led me to stop wearing pants and wearing skirts and dresses. (I don't think women wearing pants is unbiblical but I find it easier to be modest wearing skirts and dresses).

My husband told me I dress too frumpy and while I wasn't at the worst level, he wanted me to wear things like jeans, show a little cleavage, and wear denim fitted shorts again.

I am morally conflicted about the denim shorts and cleavage. I think they're immodest. I define modesty as an intention of my heart when I put on clothes that Im wearing what's appropriate and Godly. 

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

 

I told him I could dress better and not always shop at thrift stores but would need some time to think about dropping certain standards. 

Your husband is trying to lead you astray.

Edited November 21, 2020 by johnthebaptist

[teddyv]

I think Gandalf is definitely wise here because we lack adequate context.

[Marathoner]

9 hours ago, Wynona said:

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

Not all, sister. Your modesty is commendable and your husband, who is called upon to love you as Christ loves the Church, is straying by requesting such a thing of you. It is one thing to please your husband in a private manner (this is appropriate) but another to compromise your modesty in a bid to satisfy his lustful pride, which is shameful and the custom of this world. 

You are frugal and this pleases the Lord. There is nothing wrong with acquiring clothing at salvage stores and again, I commend you for being a faithful steward of the Lord's provision for your family. In truth your husband ought to be inspired by your example for you are neither wasteful nor extravagant. Your example is a breath of fresh air, my friend. 

The Lord bless you richly and I will pray for the sake of your husband, @Wynona. You are wise to consider this matter carefully and I'm confident that no matter what transpires, His Spirit will lead you faithfully. 

[JohnD]

On 11/21/2020 at 9:19 AM, Wynona said:

I was influenced by Apostolic Pentecostals before my husband and I left. 

My convictions led me to stop wearing pants and wearing skirts and dresses. (I don't think women wearing pants is unbiblical but I find it easier to be modest wearing skirts and dresses).

My husband told me I dress too frumpy and while I wasn't at the worst level, he wanted me to wear things like jeans, show a little cleavage, and wear denim fitted shorts again.

I am morally conflicted about the denim shorts and cleavage. I think they're immodest. I define modesty as an intention of my heart when I put on clothes that Im wearing what's appropriate and Godly. 

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

 

I told him I could dress better and not always shop at thrift stores but would need some time to think about dropping certain standards. 

I used to be told I could get to the point better than most. Now I am asked to work on being more concise. LOL

...if you do, ...if you don't.

I a may be a bit lengthy in this, but bear with me. ← No pun intended.

The UPC / Apostolic Pentecostals set forth many rigid guidelines to supplement its version of the Gospel.  The Bible teaches that no supplemented Gospel is the true Gospel.

The thinking in the traditions of man organizations is that we who are the children of God, saved by Christ, should be more motivated than anyone to obey the LAW of God. And they set forth what they (mere mortal man) determine as achieving that goal. This as opposed to God's purpose for Law: proving mankind is utterly incapable of keeping the Law and must therefore seek / live for GRACE in Christ Jesus instead.

Galatians 3:24–28 (AV)
24 Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.
25 But after that faith is come, we are no longer under a schoolmaster.
26 For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.
27 For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ.
28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Now at the same time, Grace does not make sin any less sin. We as believers in Christ Jesus are simply forgiven of all sin.

A man who ogles women in mini skirts is just as guilty of sin (Job 31:1-13 / Matthew 5:27-30) as those wearing mini skirts for all to see (Leviticus 18:8 / Isaiah 47:1-3*).  But, we are forgiven of all sin in Christ.

* this includes uncovered hair as well as bared legs (calves) and bared thighs

So don't rush to a burka supply store just yet.  And guys, don't rush to gouge out your eyes.

These were things enforced under the Law of Moses. Not under Grace. The focus of Grace is

doing our personalized, unique part (our ministry, as it were) in the over all spreading of the Gospel

(Matthew 28:19-20) as priests of God (which we ALL are in Christ see Revelation 1:6 / Revelation 5:10 / 1 Peter 2:3-9).

Grace is not a license to sin but a freedom to evangelize. Otherwise we would be busily chasing our own spiritual tail

with the daily aspect of sin (because we are sinners by nature).

"All things are become new..." in that sinners like us could now serve God and please him by the imputed righteousness  of Christ into 

our individual accounts. Period. 

Otherwise there would be no admonition not to sin for believers. We just wouldn't sin.  Read 1 John 01:5 - 1 John 2:17 as a single block of text.

And in the Greek, "forgive" (1 John 1:9) is to already forgive in an ongoing way. forgive, have forgiven already, ever shall forgive...

So the confession (to God btw and not some mere mortal) is a matter of facing what God already knows about and agreeing with him

we sinned. The Greek for confess is more about agreement than anything it is a picture of coming alongside.

Now... taking a breath... LOL  Back to your specific dilemma.

We humans have a physical side and a spiritual side. Lust and the promotion of it is what the body craves. Like any addiction it is ultimately destructive. And it is completely destructive for the spiritual from the get go. God knew we would have these dilemmas come from the drive he placed in us all for procreation of the human species. So he created marriage. Not strip clubs or pool parties.

That being said, if you will pardon my incursion into private waters...

You might explore your husband's reason for wanting you to dress more provocatively... is it specifically in public that he wants you to display? 

Again, I'm sorry for the intrusion into this area.

Or is it perhaps something you might explore in the privacy of your own chambers...

Maybe he's only wanting the acting out of a fantasy (again, in the chambers of marriage)

like dressing a certain way and then saying you are going to "knock 'em out" at the construction

site you walk by today...

That sort of thing.

Human sex and sexuality is a complicated thing... but it can be resolved in the parameters that God

has already provided for.

If you look into this, you might find that this is all he's wanting (which he may not even realize until

you try). And then you can continue to dress in public according to your conscience.

Hope this helps.

[other one]

On 11/21/2020 at 9:19 AM, Wynona said:

Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"

Not only are you not wrong, but it is telling about how he thinks about you....    my guess is he's like I was when we first got married and my wife was my prize in the world kind of a possession...  He should be protecting you instead of flaunting you to make him feel/look better.  It took me a while to understand, but you need to get him over this kind of thinking...   talk with him about it and let him know that you are not a prize to be shown around to everyone.   Being married for 50 years now I can look back and see a lot of things I failed at for the first few years...    Some day you won't look as good as you do today and he needs to get over his possessiveness long before that time or you may not be able to trust him...    

[Guest PinkBelt]

On 11/21/2020 at 10:19 AM, Wynona said:

I was influenced by Apostolic Pentecostals before my husband and I left. 

My convictions led me to stop wearing pants and wearing skirts and dresses. (I don't think women wearing pants is unbiblical but I find it easier to be modest wearing skirts and dresses).

My husband told me I dress too frumpy and while I wasn't at the worst level, he wanted me to wear things like jeans, show a little cleavage, and wear denim fitted shorts again.

I am morally conflicted about the denim shorts and cleavage. I think they're immodest. I define modesty as an intention of my heart when I put on clothes that Im wearing what's appropriate and Godly. 

My question is, should I lower my modesty standards to please my husband? Am I wrong to question his desire to "show my body off"?

 

I told him I could dress better and not always shop at thrift stores but would need some time to think about dropping certain standards. 

Tell him you'll wear jeans and show cleavage if he agrees to wear a dress and make-up. It's your body not his and a person who cares about you will respect your boundaries. If he wants you to show off you can do it when you're alone.

 

I wear pants but I do not show off my chest and very seldom wear make-up. My husband is just fine with that.

Edited January 12, 2021 by PinkBelt

[Wynona]

Everyone, thank you for your honest opinions.

Ill give an update.

 

Today, I sort of caved to pressure and bought a couple outfits to please my husband. Or more like we went shopping together and he sort of steered toward what he liked.

 

I vetoed a couple things untill we settled on two outfits with fitted jeans. One pair is ripped. I even bought a crop top. I got two pairs of boots I liked as well.

Maybe I shouldve held my ground. I was fine with what I was wearing before. 

But I just wanted him to be happy.

I used to balk at the idea of changing aspects of yourself for a man. But now Im that woman. 

Sometimes the pressure is just overwhelming.  

That sounds bad, doesn't it? 

Ive gone through many changes for him. I wanted to be someone better after what he's put up from me. 

Sometimes I feel like Im losing myself in the marriage. But I also don't know what is normal in a relationship.  Don't all long term relationships have some level of aggravation to them?