First world problem: breastfeeding struggles

[Thewhitedove]

I'll try to keep this short.

I have a 5 week old baby. Due to a lot of setbacks at the very start, my breastmilk supply was never quite enough. My daughter was failing to gain weight and the Dr wanted me to switch to formula. I could tell he was very old fashioned, so wanted a second opinion. I hired a lactation consultant who put me on a very intense programme of pumping and supplementing to get my supply up again.

It has mostly worked although there is still a shortfall and I have to give some formula after a few feeds in the afternoon. The problem is, the stress is really getting to me. I'm  constantly freaking out about something: had she had enough, how long has she been at the breast, was she swallowing, how much did I express, do I need to wake her for another feed, is her diaper wet enough, has she gained weight etc etc and that is on top of washing and sterilising bottles and my pump.  Set an alarm for the middle of the night to feed or pump in order to protect my supply. I'm exhausted.

I have breastfed 2 children before with no problems. All very natural and instinctive but in a different country with a different medical system. I have no problem with formula but breastfeeding for me is about far more than nutrition or providing milk. It's an expression of love, communication, comfort, closeness. Sometimes when her dad gives her a bottle, she cries as she drinks it as she really wants to nurse. In my heart I have a deep yearning to continue nursing her.

Throughout scripture, there are countless references to breastfeeding. It is regarded as a source of comfort and sustenance. The Bible is also full of references to providence and abundance. 

Yesterday I watched a video about children in Yemen literally starving in front of their mothers and felt so convicted about my obsession with exclusive breastfeeding when I have breast milk PLUS formula in the fridge. This made me wonder if my strenuous efforts to increase my supply are actually sinful and I should just be grateful for what I have access to.

The thing is, I am struggling to breastfeed and also give formula. It's just stretching my current energy levels a little too far. I have at times been delirious with exhaustion. I just want to exclusively nurse like I did with previous kids and cannot shake that yearning. 

I know that God created breastfeeding to be a wonderful source of food, comfort and bonding and so its not against his will to want this above other methods of feeding.

I have been praying that God in his abundant goodness would see the desire of my heart and grant me my wish to have enough milk to completely satisfy my child. This has not been happening in a way that convinces me that God wants what I want and I don't know when to stop trying and admit defeat.

I can't indefinitely do both and feel like I need to pick a method and stick with it. I'm exhausted and so mentally drained trying to make this work. I am worried about how this will affect my mental health if I quit nursing as I know that 'breastfeeding grief' is a real thing and I predict I will experience it. When I say it out loud I feel very guilty for not appreciating all of the good things I have in my life, including the health and happiness of my actual children.

I guess I am going through some issues very particular to a woman who has recently given birth and secular advice has only got me so far. I need to pick this apart Biblically and work through all of these emotions through the lens of God.

I am sorry for the long essay and also for seeming so ungrateful for my actual blessings. I will come to terms with it if I have to, but only with God guiding me.

Please help.

[Ani Tefillah]

Shalom. I have no children, so I can't help you out, but I have prayed for you now, and I hope you will have the strength and help you need. May the Lord's peace and grace be with you there. 

🌸🌼 🌸 🌼 🌸 🌼 🌸 

[Thewhitedove]

20 minutes ago, MonicaWife said:

Shalom. I have no children, so I can't help you out, but I have prayed for you now, and I hope you will have the strength and help you need. May the Lord's peace and grace be with you there. 

🌸🌼 🌸 🌼 🌸 🌼 🌸 

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[ladypeartree]

Ok I undersand were you are coming from, I* had the opposite problem with such an abundance that i had to express enough to feed 3 or 4 others before I could feed my own ( since I lived close to a maternity hospital they collected every day for 3 months to feed premies )  My sister who had children at the same time as I did was unable to feed ( she didnt live close enough to allow me to help  her   )  Of my 3 daughters 1 didnt like breast feeding so used formula only  1 fed all 6 of her children with ease and 1 had to do mixed feeding like you with the added complication that her son was alergic to the formulas.  All the children thrived on the love their mums had with no difference at allbetween their health The biggest problem I can see from what you have posted it the fact that you are so stressed you are affecting thhe amount of milk you can produce as well as your own mental health. You can still get the closness with your baby when bottle feeding just by the way you hold them but if you are stressed so will that baby be 

Instead of spoiling what should be a wonderful bonding time perhaps you should try to relax and stop the debate and or guilt you are causing for yourself and enjoy the wonderful gift God has given  you    

[Thewhitedove]

5 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

Ok I undersand were you are coming from, I* had the opposite problem with such an abundance that i had to express enough to feed 3 or 4 others before I could feed my own ( since I lived close to a maternity hospital they collected every day for 3 months to feed premies )  My sister who had children at the same time as I did was unable to feed ( she didnt live close enough to allow me to help  her   )  Of my 3 daughters 1 didnt like breast feeding so used formula only  1 fed all 6 of her children with ease and 1 had to do mixed feeding like you with the added complication that her son was alergic to the formulas.  All the children thrived on the love their mums had with no difference at allbetween their health The biggest problem I can see from what you have posted it the fact that you are so stressed you are affecting thhe amount of milk you can produce as well as your own mental health. You can still get the closness with your baby when bottle feeding just by the way you hold them but if you are stressed so will that baby be 

Instead of spoiling what should be a wonderful bonding time perhaps you should try to relax and stop the debate and or guilt you are causing for yourself and enjoy the wonderful gift God has given  you    

You are definitely correct in that I'm not fully enjoying this wonder gift that God has given me. Almost 2 weeks of her life have passed and I have been obsessed with this! And yes, a mother can feel close to a bottle fed baby of course. 

I didn't breastfeed by first child for very long because his birth was very traumatic for me and I struggled to bond with him so breastfeeding felt weird (he didn't feel like my child so putting him to my breast felt wrong). My second child's birth didn't traumatise me and I had no bonding issues with her and breastfed her for a year. (Have since fully bonded with my first by the way!) I have a lot of emotions tied in to breastfeeding which have just come to the surface. I associate bottle bleeding with a poor bond (as was my experience) and subsequent poor mental health. 

I'm feeling a lot stronger about it today and this morning came across some information stating that low breast milk could be caused by anemia. I was discharged from the hospital with instructions to take iron as I was still anemic, which I forgot to do! So I will start taking the iron and continue for another week or so until God makes the next step clear.

Thank you for your reply. Seriously coveting your over supply 😄

[ladypeartree]

Not so fun believe me wet clothes every half an hour or so and it is very painful lugging all that around   

I do hope you can relax and enjoy your precious baby 

[Who me]

10 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I guess I am going through some issues very particular to a woman who has recently given birth and secular advice has only got me so far. I need to pick this apart Biblically and work through all of these emotions through the lens of God.

 

Do you have a midwife or health visitor to whom you can talk with or an elders wife?

You sound to me as if you are not only expecting to much of your self but possible suffering from post natal depresio.

Please get yourself checked out.

As for feeding your baby. talk to your husband and work out a plan that suits you both.

 

There is no merit in killing yourself simply so you can say I did it this way.

 

lease seek advice from women you respect and who have medical experience, or child raising experience. 

[Thewhitedove]

9 minutes ago, Who me said:

 

Do you have a midwife or health visitor to whom you can talk with or an elders wife?

You sound to me as if you are not only expecting to much of your self but possible suffering from post natal depresio.

Please get yourself checked out.

As for feeding your baby. talk to your husband and work out a plan that suits you both.

 

There is no merit in killing yourself simply so you can say I did it this way.

 

lease seek advice from women you respect and who have medical experience, or child raising experience. 

I wish! I did with my last child when I lived in the UK but I live in Europe now and things aren't like that where I am. I did pay a lactation consultant who is a qualified midwife by profession and she is lovely but I know they would be more patient with my baby's development than they are here.

I don't have postnatal depression currently but wouldn't rule it out if I dont get out of this frame of mind. My husband was very supportive of me pursuing breastfeeding but I told him I can't go on like thing indefinitely and he agreed. In fact he just said that neither myself nor the baby are actually benefitting much from the current situation. 

I'm starting to feel more peace about moving onto formula today. My breasts have actually just dried up, as of the past few hours, despite all of my efforts and I wonder if God is trying to put me out of misery and speed up my decision. If he wants me to formula feed, that's what I'll do. I just wanted to know His will. 

[Marathoner]

1 hour ago, Thewhitedove said:

I'm starting to feel more peace about moving onto formula today. My breasts have actually just dried up, as of the past few hours, despite all of my efforts and I wonder if God is trying to put me out of misery and speed up my decision. If he wants me to formula feed, that's what I'll do. I just wanted to know His will. 

There's no need to agonize, my friend. You know His will already. 

[Nyoka]

15 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I'll try to keep this short.

I have a 5 week old baby. Due to a lot of setbacks at the very start, my breastmilk supply was never quite enough. My daughter was failing to gain weight and the Dr wanted me to switch to formula. I could tell he was very old fashioned, so wanted a second opinion. I hired a lactation consultant who put me on a very intense programme of pumping and supplementing to get my supply up again.

It has mostly worked although there is still a shortfall and I have to give some formula after a few feeds in the afternoon. The problem is, the stress is really getting to me. I'm  constantly freaking out about something: had she had enough, how long has she been at the breast, was she swallowing, how much did I express, do I need to wake her for another feed, is her diaper wet enough, has she gained weight etc etc and that is on top of washing and sterilising bottles and my pump.  Set an alarm for the middle of the night to feed or pump in order to protect my supply. I'm exhausted.

I have breastfed 2 children before with no problems. All very natural and instinctive but in a different country with a different medical system. I have no problem with formula but breastfeeding for me is about far more than nutrition or providing milk. It's an expression of love, communication, comfort, closeness. Sometimes when her dad gives her a bottle, she cries as she drinks it as she really wants to nurse. In my heart I have a deep yearning to continue nursing her.

Throughout scripture, there are countless references to breastfeeding. It is regarded as a source of comfort and sustenance. The Bible is also full of references to providence and abundance. 

Yesterday I watched a video about children in Yemen literally starving in front of their mothers and felt so convicted about my obsession with exclusive breastfeeding when I have breast milk PLUS formula in the fridge. This made me wonder if my strenuous efforts to increase my supply are actually sinful and I should just be grateful for what I have access to.

The thing is, I am struggling to breastfeed and also give formula. It's just stretching my current energy levels a little too far. I have at times been delirious with exhaustion. I just want to exclusively nurse like I did with previous kids and cannot shake that yearning. 

I know that God created breastfeeding to be a wonderful source of food, comfort and bonding and so its not against his will to want this above other methods of feeding.

I have been praying that God in his abundant goodness would see the desire of my heart and grant me my wish to have enough milk to completely satisfy my child. This has not been happening in a way that convinces me that God wants what I want and I don't know when to stop trying and admit defeat.

I can't indefinitely do both and feel like I need to pick a method and stick with it. I'm exhausted and so mentally drained trying to make this work. I am worried about how this will affect my mental health if I quit nursing as I know that 'breastfeeding grief' is a real thing and I predict I will experience it. When I say it out loud I feel very guilty for not appreciating all of the good things I have in my life, including the health and happiness of my actual children.

I guess I am going through some issues very particular to a woman who has recently given birth and secular advice has only got me so far. I need to pick this apart Biblically and work through all of these emotions through the lens of God.

I am sorry for the long essay and also for seeming so ungrateful for my actual blessings. I will come to terms with it if I have to, but only with God guiding me.

Please help.

When I had my first child I couldn't produce milk - I never did produce milk.  I felt so guilty as my country was pushing "breastmilk is best".  Even though no one outright said it but if you formula fed you would be made to feel as if you were poisoning your child.  I spoke to my midwife about it and she gave me the best advise ever: "Fed is best."  She went on to explain "That whatever feeds your child so said child grows well and whatever allows mum and baby to relax during the feeding is the best thing to do.  For some that will be breast feeding, for some it will be formula feeding and for others it will be both.  Do what is best for you and your child."  I never forgot that advise and never felt guilty again as my children all grew up to be healthy well adjusted adults.  I pass on her advise to new mums whenever I can.