How to be a Godly wife in this situation

[Thewhitedove]

Back story: I got saved 3 years ago, husband still non believer. Have 2 young kids and a baby. Up until I went on maternity leave at the start of the year, I worked full time in the same profession as husband. 

We have always had an issue with rest, in that my husband needs a huge amount of rest. I'm OK at getting up early but he isn't. Generally I can cope with lack of sleep but over time it gets to me and will suddenly hit me like a truck. When I was working I told my husband that we both needed to take turns getting up with kids at the weekend. I didn't care which, but I needed one weekend day to stay in bed for an extra hour. 

We used to be good at communicating but since I got saved I mistakingly believed that I should stop expressing my feelings about anything and basically let everything slide and never complain about anything. I now find it difficult to bring anything up and he is resistant and defensive in a way he wasn't before. I was also raised to never express any feelings of dissatisfaction. 

For context, he works hard and definitely does his fair share with the older kids and housework. However, nights are all on me, which is OK. I'm breastfeeding and the baby wakes many, many, many times during the night. My husband sleeps in another room so the baby doesn't disturb him, which I think is only fair as he has to do a full day in work. We get up at the same time every morning to get the kids ready for school. He has a full, undisturbed nights sleep every single night and is still always exhausted! He has several hobbies and a healthy social life too. No matter how much I try to allow him opportunities to rest/unwind he is always moaning about being tired! 

He went out on Friday night so I got up with the kids on Saturday morning. Then he wouldn't get up on Sunday morning either. I go around and around in my head whether I'm being silly, am overreacting, being unfair, ungracious, ungodly, but at the same time get so filled up ith resentment. Yesterday I wrote on the calendar that next Sunday I will not be getting up, which is so passive aggressive. I've not slept a full night in 9 months and sometimes the cracks start to show. 

How can I approach this like a good wife? I'm not asking for him to get up with the baby at night but that I just have one hour a week in bed to catch up on a little sleep. He does give me breaks at the weekend but it's ONLY after he has factored his rest in first. Help me fellow Christians. I feel so worldly and resentful. This sounds so petty but I feel like the enemy is trying to use this to get into my marriage and its a constant source of resentment. 

 

 

 

[Not of the World]

Hi.  Am I understanding correctly that you stay home full time with your baby and that your husband works full time outside the home?  

[BK1110]

The husband is to lead his family sacrificially, as Christ did, loving the church even to the point of death (Ephesians 5:25).

Your husband won't know about your needs if you don't express them, though. Perhaps God is using this to bring the breakdown of closeness and communication between you to the fore. If the breakdown in communication has bothered him, then he may be associating your distance with him to your Christian faith.

You might want to start with discussing your concerns that you may have caused communication to be difficult recently, and ask him what he thinks about it. When you get to the point of the issue at hand (sleep), start by reminding him how much you appreciate his good work ethic, that he doesn't slack off with that or with the kids and housework, but then also tell him that you're burning out and need just a little extra help until the baby is past this early stage.

Also from that same passage in Ephesians:

"In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the Church, because we are members of his body." -- Ephesians 5:28-30

The needs of your body are to be considered by him in the same way as he would consider the needs of his body, and vice versa. I know he is not a believer, so I'm not suggesting you try to use this line of reasoning to convince him, but just pointing out that his unbelief doesn't change the facts; God designed marriage to be this way, and the solution to follow God's design for marriage is the only one that works, regardless of someone believing or not.

Praying for you!

[Marilyn C]

On 10/24/2022 at 5:11 PM, Thewhitedove said:

Back story: I got saved 3 years ago, husband still non believer. Have 2 young kids and a baby. Up until I went on maternity leave at the start of the year, I worked full time in the same profession as husband. 

We have always had an issue with rest, in that my husband needs a huge amount of rest. I'm OK at getting up early but he isn't. Generally I can cope with lack of sleep but over time it gets to me and will suddenly hit me like a truck. When I was working I told my husband that we both needed to take turns getting up with kids at the weekend. I didn't care which, but I needed one weekend day to stay in bed for an extra hour. 

We used to be good at communicating but since I got saved I mistakingly believed that I should stop expressing my feelings about anything and basically let everything slide and never complain about anything. I now find it difficult to bring anything up and he is resistant and defensive in a way he wasn't before. I was also raised to never express any feelings of dissatisfaction. 

For context, he works hard and definitely does his fair share with the older kids and housework. However, nights are all on me, which is OK. I'm breastfeeding and the baby wakes many, many, many times during the night. My husband sleeps in another room so the baby doesn't disturb him, which I think is only fair as he has to do a full day in work. We get up at the same time every morning to get the kids ready for school. He has a full, undisturbed nights sleep every single night and is still always exhausted! He has several hobbies and a healthy social life too. No matter how much I try to allow him opportunities to rest/unwind he is always moaning about being tired! 

He went out on Friday night so I got up with the kids on Saturday morning. Then he wouldn't get up on Sunday morning either. I go around and around in my head whether I'm being silly, am overreacting, being unfair, ungracious, ungodly, but at the same time get so filled up ith resentment. Yesterday I wrote on the calendar that next Sunday I will not be getting up, which is so passive aggressive. I've not slept a full night in 9 months and sometimes the cracks start to show. 

How can I approach this like a good wife? I'm not asking for him to get up with the baby at night but that I just have one hour a week in bed to catch up on a little sleep. He does give me breaks at the weekend but it's ONLY after he has factored his rest in first. Help me fellow Christians. I feel so worldly and resentful. This sounds so petty but I feel like the enemy is trying to use this to get into my marriage and its a constant source of resentment. 

 

 

 

Hi Thewhitedove,

yes, I`m sure it is quite a handful to have 3 children. Also, so glad you are a believer. In any relationship situation it is usually a time for both to learn. And I see you are realising that.

Now I do see that your husband does help with the work. You said -  For context, he works hard and definitely does his fair share with the older kids and housework. So first up may I suggest you keep thanking him and the Lord for such a husband who relates to his children.

Next is the resentment issue. I would say you need to repent to the Lord for that, as it builds. because you have been quiet on your need, then your husband does not realise what is happening. 

So, first ask the Lord to help you with your sleep, however long, that it is restful. If you are resentful your mind and spirit is agitated and thus you are helping to cause the very thing you don`t want.

Because you are a believer, God is addressing you, first, for as your attitude changes then God will address your husband. 

So, repenting of resentment, appreciating your husband helping, (& telling him this), then addressing your own needs with God and later talking to your husband with a better attitude about your sleep. 

praying...Marilyn.

[ladypeartree]

WOW I wish my son in law would read this .. he and my daughter have 6 children ( yep ) He provides well and they do not lack for material things but he has never helped a day in their lives with the children , The oldest is now 19 and the youngest 5 and she works 4 days a week , does all the house work shopping cooking etc  She takes the youngest to school and brings them home not a problem as she works in the school  but if the older three children that are still at home miss the school bus they call me for help NOT their father who is normally still in bed at that time and wont get up to help them. My daughter drives them to all activities ( and they do a lot ) including driving all over the country with her middle daughter who is part of an international football club ,,the only time he goes with them is if it is a huge national or international game and he enjoys the reflected glory that she  gets ,.  I dont think he has washed a dish since they got married nor ever got up to let her have a lie in at any time . TALK to your husband , be thankful that you do have a good husband , remember this time with the baby wont last much longer and you will look back and miss it ( yes I know it is hard to believe at the moment ) Dont let your tiredness build into resentment and spoil what you have If your husband doesnt understand how you feel and how much you appreciate him he will never change and since you sleep in different rooms he may be totally unaware of how little sleep you are getting and may also resent the lack of closeness you once shared ...these this often go two ways and he may feel he is just useful and not loved 

Praying for you both and remember without communication you cannot grow together 

[enoob57]

Hard workin gal... nut probably doesn't fall from the tree  

[Thewhitedove]

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate these replies!

Yes I am on maternity leave so am off work until my baby is a bit older. Baby breastfeeds quite a lot and is crawling now so it's difficult to get much done. My husband actually feels like he is burning out from how much housework he does. His main jobs are putting clothes in the washing machine, bringing trash to the recycling centre in the basement and doing the qeekly grocery shop. He basically told me off for not pulling my weight. 

He gets up in the morning and goes to work. I get the older kids ready for school and bring them to the schoolbus stop. By the time my husband comes home, the place is generally tidy and clean. There are piles of clean laundry to be sorted, kitchen and living room are tidy and school uniforms all sorted and ironed for the next day. Its a lived-in home, a bit cluttered but fine.

When the older kids come home, I do their homework, reading, sort whatever materials they need for piano lessons, ballet (in school). I do all the liaising with school, manage doctors appointments etc etc etc. Then I'm also looking after the baby, feeding her (real food and breast), playing with her, sorting out nap schedules. I am up with her many times a night, sometimes once every hour. I start my day exhausted and muddle through. 

If I start trying to do laundry, the baby wakes up from her nap.  She had started crawling and I can't turn my back on her for a second. Sometimes I put her in her pushchair in front of the TV to get things done, or give her something to eat in her highchair while I clean the kitchen but I can't keep strapping her in so I can get on with housework. 

I feel like I'm trying my best as someone who gets very poor quality sleep. When my husband comes home he plays with the baby while I make delicious (if I say so myself!), homecooked, healthy food from scratch. He cleans most of the kitchen but never does the floors or cleans the cooker surface etc. 

My husband has been complaining that he does too much and I need to do more. I told him that I don't feel valued at all and that if I went away, nobody would miss me or even notice. His response was 'oh right'. Today he told me that he doesn't want to spend all weekend catching up in housework and that I need to do more laundry, and take the trash out myself from now on. I asked him again if he thinks I don't contribute much to the family. His answer was quite lukewarm, certainly not the response of someone who highly values their wife and really wants her to know it. I told him that i am doing my best and that I started every day with a drained battery. So, when I tried to communicate, his response was so underwhelming it was a little heartbreaking.

For Father's Day, I made such a fuss of him and told him how much we appreciate everything he does for us. He immediately snapped back 'well someone has to being the trash down'.

I know I need to handle this biblically and that the enemy is trying to get into our marriage. I am more than happy to take a long hard look at myself, and I am inviting you all to see where I can start. 

I am lazy, in that I have a naturally very slow pace and always find the most inefficient way to do things. I get very overwhelmed and seem to have sensory issues when I'm trying to get something done. Husband is definitely more hands on than a lot of men I know, my own father included. 

I think I have some very deep insecurities and God is showing me that these need to be dealt with. 

Thanks if you read all this!

 

[Thewhitedove]

Also, I want to add that I would happily take on more if I felt what I did was valued. I know it matters what God thinks more than my husband but its so demotivating to feel like another burden. 

What often also burns my husband out is also his late night drinking sessions, concerts, soccer matches, quick trips to the bar with his friends after work etc. 

I'm definitely not innocent though: I just cannot muster the energy to keep my home to as high a standard as he would wish.

[Thewhitedove]

7 hours ago, ladypeartree said:

WOW I wish my son in law would read this .. he and my daughter have 6 children ( yep ) He provides well and they do not lack for material things but he has never helped a day in their lives with the children , The oldest is now 19 and the youngest 5 and she works 4 days a week , does all the house work shopping cooking etc  She takes the youngest to school and brings them home not a problem as she works in the school  but if the older three children that are still at home miss the school bus they call me for help NOT their father who is normally still in bed at that time and wont get up to help them. My daughter drives them to all activities ( and they do a lot ) including driving all over the country with her middle daughter who is part of an international football club ,,the only time he goes with them is if it is a huge national or international game and he enjoys the reflected glory that she  gets ,.  I dont think he has washed a dish since they got married nor ever got up to let her have a lie in at any time . TALK to your husband , be thankful that you do have a good husband , remember this time with the baby wont last much longer and you will look back and miss it ( yes I know it is hard to believe at the moment ) Dont let your tiredness build into resentment and spoil what you have If your husband doesnt understand how you feel and how much you appreciate him he will never change and since you sleep in different rooms he may be totally unaware of how little sleep you are getting and may also resent the lack of closeness you once shared ...these this often go two ways and he may feel he is just useful and not loved 

Praying for you both and remember without communication you cannot grow together 

I'm sorry your son is law isn't helpful! That's terrible! And thanks for the advice.

[Marilyn C]

Hi Thewhitedove,

I can see that it can all be so overwhelming, and yet still feeling guilty and also unappreciated. My first thought is that you know what you are doing, however obviously your husband doesn`t know or see as he is at work. Then I see you are tallying up what he does and then what you do, and that is not healthy, as it puts you in the judge`s seat to assess each other.

Now I can see your baby takes up a lot of time and you are constantly careful of what she is doing. May I suggest you get a play pen or put her in a safe enclosed area. I see you put her in the high chair but that can be restricting for long periods. And you need longer periods of time to get your jobs done. 

Do you get sidetracked while doing jobs and end up wasting time, or can you get the dishes, floors, washing, nappies etc done without looking at social media, (if you do), or musing on how unappreciated you are? No one really appreciates the amount good mothers do, except another mother, for it is a 24/7 responsiblity of love. So as you say, really only God knows.

You really need to repent to God of your resentment towards your husband and your guilt feelings about yourself. Once you have repented and mean it then you need to address when those thoughts come up. It is only from a clean heart that good can flow.

You are bringing up to your husband general things for him to appreciate or understand. I suggest after you have seen to your attitude, that you address what your husband asked concerning the week-end, and later once that is in place, then ask for a specific help you need. eg. Thank him for cleaning the kitchen, (as you said he does) and then ask if he could wipe the cooker also, as that would be very helpful, (or the floors).

Be specific and not general needing help.

But first your attitude........Marilyn.