Ugh! Am I the problem?

[Gracejj]

My husband accused me of "verbally abusive". I am shocked and idk if its what i did, idk whats reality anymore?  If I am the actual problem as always? Long story..-  in the morning he talked disrespectfully with me so i confronted him and he said that i was lying and he didn't shout or yell at me, i said okay but still whatever you did that was very rude towards me, then he said- its bcos i was continuously talking to him when he didn't want to talk to me. So i asked so its justifiable to be disrespectful towards me? And then He again in that moment didn't want to talk, but i was persistent in asking him if thats how its gonna be from now on that if he says he doesn't wanna talk i should be quite and then if i continue then he can shout at me or can be disrespectful towards me and its on me then but he didn't wanna answer that. So i was persistent and was asking and he said that that was verbally abusive and harassing him? Its a very big thing for me to hear that so idk ..was that me being verbally abusive? He can say everything he wants to say to me and i would listen to him without moving or shutting him down but when its my turn to say anything to him and he doesnt want to hear it he can just tell me that he doesn't wanna talk and want me to be quite and if i am persistent to get my voice out then thats me being verbally abusive? I dont know what is real anymore if i am verbally abusive then what should i do just dont confront him anymore and stop communicating? Or just communicate until he wants and when he doesn't wanna hear me and wants me to not say anything i should just suck it up and move on and next day be ready to serve him physically and sexually and in every way as if  i am not hurting and if I Express that we need to talk before we get intimate then he sends me videos from YT to learn from it & the title says "How a Narcissist Wife refuse s*x as a punishment".  And then i am more deeply hurt thinking am i narcissist if i ask him to talk things out before getting physical? Its hard for me to be intimate with the person who has hurt me by being unavailable or disrespectful towards me.  And even when i tried to do it regardless to meet his expectations and needs then he tells me further more that i am not being with him from my heart and am i suppose to fake that i am loving it when i literally asked him to communicate and solve things between us to get on the same page before intimacy. Is this why I saved myself for marriage?? I don't refuse i just want to be heard and want the problem solved before hand. I dont know blow after blow. Feel like i am losing it. I don't know what to do he doesn't wanna go to marraige counseling with me nor he wants to hear me. I have no family nor any friends, I am far away from everyone.  It just feels lonely, he would rather watch news or funny videos on his phone than talk to me when he really doesn't want to talk. When he is in good mood i have to be with him the same way or else i am bad wife but when he is not in the mood and dont want to talk or to be there with me then i have to accept it and bare it. Its feel so lonely.  In our marriage he started shouting and yelling and when i confronted him that its very hurtful then he says that i am too sensitive.  I dunno what to think anymore. Any advice,  i am so lost right now.
Thank you for listening.

[Michael37]

31 minutes ago, Grace j said:

My husband accused me of "verbally abusive". I am shocked and idk if its what i did, idk whats reality anymore?  If I am the actual problem as always? Long story..-  in the morning he talked disrespectfully with me so i confronted him and he said that i was lying and he didn't shout or yell at me, i said okay but still whatever you did that was very rude towards me, then he said- its bcos i was continuously talking to him when he didn't want to talk to me. So i asked so its justifiable to be disrespectful towards me? And then He again in that moment didn't want to talk, but i was persistent in asking him if thats how its gonna be from now on that if he says he doesn't wanna talk i should be quite and then if i continue then he can shout at me or can be disrespectful towards me and its on me then but he didn't wanna answer that. So i was persistent and was asking and he said that that was verbally abusive and harassing him? Its a very big thing for me to hear that so idk ..was that me being verbally abusive? He can say everything he wants to say to me and i would listen to him without moving or shutting him down but when its my turn to say anything to him and he doesnt want to hear it he can just tell me that he doesn't wanna talk and want me to be quite and if i am persistent to get my voice out then thats me being verbally abusive? I dont know what is real anymore if i am verbally abusive then what should i do just dont confront him anymore and stop communicating? Or just communicate until he wants and when he doesn't wanna hear me and wants me to not say anything i should just suck it up and move on and next day be ready to serve him physically and sexually and in every way as if  i am not hurting and if I Express that we need to talk before we get intimate then he sends me videos from YT to learn from it & the title says "How a Narcissist Wife refuse s*x as a punishment".  And then i am more deeply hurt thinking am i narcissist if i ask him to talk things out before getting physical? Its hard for me to be intimate with the person who has hurt me by being unavailable or disrespectful towards me.  And even when i tried to do it regardless to meet his expectations and needs then he tells me further more that i am not being with him from my heart and am i suppose to fake that i am loving it when i literally asked him to communicate and solve things between us to get on the same page before intimacy. Is this why I saved myself for marriage?? I don't refuse i just want to be heard and want the problem solved before hand. I dont know blow after blow. Feel like i am losing it. I don't know what to do he doesn't wanna go to marraige counseling with me nor he wants to hear me. I have no family nor any friends, I am far away from everyone.  It just feels lonely, he would rather watch news or funny videos on his phone than talk to me when he really doesn't want to talk. When he is in good mood i have to be with him the same way or else i am bad wife but when he is not in the mood and dont want to talk or to be there with me then i have to accept it and bare it. Its feel so lonely.  In our marriage he started shouting and yelling and when i confronted him that its very hurtful then he says that i am too sensitive.  I dunno what to think anymore. Any advice,  i am so lost right now.
Thank you for listening.

What does your husband say about your time spent in Bible reading and study, prayer, praise and worship, and involvement with Christians, including on this forum?

[ladypeartree]

He is the bully and abusive and if he wont seek help via marriage counselling I would suggest YOU need to go regardless as this sort of behaviour is very often a precursor to physical violence. You need to get help NOW .  If it is a one off situation and he was just tired/frustrated/angry and didnt want to continue the conversation then I can see how he would consider your continuing a form of nagging or verbal abuse but it sounds as if any time he doesnt get his own way he resorts to shutting you down and expecting you to accept he is right .. you are not living in the middle ages GET HELP even if it is just to show you how to deal with this before it escalates 

[Neighbor]

46 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

He is the bully and abusive

Whoa, and wow! Pretty quick and harsh judgement there it seems to me. Hopefully the goal is not to establish blame, but instead to seek a manner of resolve to a problem.

 

 

 

[ladypeartree]

hence the go to counselling even if it is on your own ... Having escaped an abusive marriage that started out like this I am no doubt biased but since it almost cost me the lives of my children as well as my own then I would sooner err on the side of caution and say DONT WAIT TO GET HELP 

[other one]

6 hours ago, Grace j said:

I dunno what to think anymore. Any advice,  i am so lost right now.
Thank you for listening.

I don't know if you have children, but if you don't, I would suggest you find some place safe and just go there for a couple of weeks.

Before you leave, leave him a note explaining how husbands are supposed to treat their wives.

Quote

Ephesians 5:25-27 New Century Version (NCV) Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it to make it belong to God. Christ used the word to make the church clean by washing it with water. He died so that he could give the church to himself like a bride in all her beauty.

He should be willing to let a half dozen guys beat him half to death and hang him on a tree if it was in your best interest.

And during your time away, pray that the Holy Spirit touches him the way he touched me to make me realize that wives submit to your husbands was only half of the instruction to having a good home.  From experience from both myself and several friends, it seems that men in your husband's position need some prodding to make them realize what they are doing.

If he gets physical, leave and don't go back.

[Coruscating]

It is hard to reply, because I don't want to step on your hurt, but I also don't know his side. (Also, it is hard to solve a problem when we ask the wrong question. "Am I the problem?" is an ineffective way to approach your situation.)

It is not right for him to yell, people should learn how to deal with their frustrations with dignity. You are not someone he has to defend himself from, you are his partner. You should stand your ground when it comes to respect, but timing is essential.

Sometimes, some people ask to be left alone because they need to decompress, to then give the best they have, instead of exposing others to grumpiness, or anger, or any other unpleasant feeling that they can take care of, if given a few moments of solitude. If he expresses the need to be on his own a bit, maybe he does need that time. Your insistence may push him to the edge. 

It is best not to address that situation right there, when he is in that condition. I would let him be and speak with him when he were calm. It is almost impossible to reason with a person who has been yelling.

Making sure that we are not invasive, brings clarity when we are analyzing other people's actions towards us. Some people will use our patience as an opportunity to grow, but others will use it as a doormat.

If when you take your time and then try to negotiate a solution, he reacts badly, you will know for sure that you are the only one taking care of this relationship. In prayer and reading the Word, you will know what direction to go. You don't need to be abused.

He thinks you are too sensitive, but he also knows that you are the one he married, so, if he gave his word that he would take care of you, it is time to be the husband of a sensitive wife and be her protection, instead of her source of sadness.

6 hours ago, Grace j said:

I have no family nor any friends, I am far away from everyone.  It just feels lonely, he would rather watch news or funny videos on his phone than talk to me when he really doesn't want to talk.

Is it possible for you to visit a loved one on your own? Leave him a bit with his issues, if he doesn't want to address them, who knows if he then gains a bit of perspective? And you seem to need some rest.

Looking at his side and assuming that he is indeed just a good man who likes to be with his thoughts sometimes, but doesn't know how to perform within frustration:
To some people it is annoying to be the only source of companionship to someone else, even their loved one. He likes to have time with himself, maybe he would like you to enjoy your own company a bit more?

How is your individuality inside this relationship? That could be something to think about, regardless.

 

 

Edited July 12, 2024 by Coruscating
my endless typos

[other one]

9 hours ago, Grace j said:

I have no family nor any friends, I am far away from everyone. 

You need to fix this.  Find a church and start making friends. Spend time with new friends and be happy, with or without him.  Actually, you can spend time here and talk with us through your keyboard.  It's not exactly the same, but can do in a pinch.  If you need to get more personal, see if someone here might want to discuss things using the private messaging.  But ultimately, the Holy Spirit will need to get involved.  I can understand his actions because I used to be that way myself.  Ultimately, it will drive you away if he doesn't learn.

[Tristen]

As others have mentioned, it is difficult to help when we only have your side of events. Which should not discourage you from asking - however, keep-in-mind that our answers only apply for the information we have.

 

22 hours ago, Grace j said:

My husband accused me of "verbally abusive". I am shocked and idk if its what i did, idk whats reality anymore?

What you described in the post is not what is generally meant by "verbally abusive". He is being a little precious (and potentially manipulative) in using this phrase for the circumstance you have detailed.

 

21 hours ago, Grace j said:

that was very rude towards me, then he said- its bcos i was continuously talking to him when he didn't want to talk to me.

It is unwise to continue an argument if one person has decided to disengage. They are no longer listening to what you have to say. So, your words are wasted regardless.

Better to de-escalate for the moment: Take a breath: Lower your voice: "I understand that you don't want to talk about it anymore, but I'm still feeling hurt. I don't want you to feel attacked, but I'm going to need a resolution as well. I want to fix this. But it doesn't have to be now if you are getting too upset."

 

21 hours ago, Grace j said:

Or just communicate until he wants and when he doesn't wanna hear me and wants me to not say anything i should just suck it up and move on and next day be ready to serve him physically and sexually and in every way as if  i am not hurting and if I Express that we need to talk before we get intimate then he sends me videos from YT to learn from it & the title says "How a Narcissist Wife refuse s*x as a punishment".  And then i am more deeply hurt thinking am i narcissist if i ask him to talk things out before getting physical?

He needs sex. You need communication. It would be equally wrong for either of you to deny the needs of the other. You have as much a right in marriage to expect your needs be met, as he does. Or is he not also a "narcissist"?

"When I'm feeling unresolved hurt, I'm not feeling desirous of you. No amount of youtube videos is going to change that."

 

22 hours ago, Grace j said:

I don't know what to do he doesn't wanna go to marraige counseling with me nor he wants to hear me.

Avoid ultimatums - but if the chance presents itself (with prayerful consideration), you could let him know that what you both are doing isn't working for you - because you are really unhappy all the time. That might encourage him to consider counselling.

But if not, you can't change him. Only God can change him. And so, your best bet (regardless) is to go to God - not just to change your husband, but to build yourself up in fellowship with Christ.

 

22 hours ago, Grace j said:

I have no family nor any friends, I am far away from everyone

Hebrews 13:5
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Matthew 28:20
and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.

 

22 hours ago, Grace j said:

In our marriage he started shouting and yelling and when i confronted him that its very hurtful then he says that i am too sensitive

That is what being "verbally abusive" actually looks like.

I wonder how he'd like it if you accused him of being "too sensitive" when he said you were "verbally abusive". NOTE: I'm not suggesting you do this - but I bring it up to show there is a degree of unfairness and inconsistency in your husband's perspective (again - according to your description).

 

[Gracejj]

On 7/11/2024 at 11:24 PM, Michael37 said:

What does your husband say about your time spent in Bible reading and study, prayer, praise and worship, and involvement with Christians, including on this forum?

He doesn't say much about me but he reminds himself that he needs to do it too, and he does too whenever he can. I haven't told him yet about this forum, bcos i specifically try to get clear perspective bout relationship and stuff i am going through here, which he probably wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone bcos once i tried to reach out to a friend but he got upset saying "i am bringing shame on him" when i asked my girl friend to pray for me and shared with her just little bit what i was going through. He wasn't happy about that. And he doesn't say anything about my involvement with other Christians at church.