Funeral guilt dilemma

[irishbeast]

I'm struggling with some mixed feelings and could use a bit of perspective. Someone I knew only slightly passed away recently, and his cremation is scheduled today. Although we weren't close, I know his sister quite well. Part of me felt obligated to attend, and I genuinely would have gone—I had even arranged a lift with a friend to make sure I'd be there. However, I was hesitant because many of my old drinking friends, who've distanced themselves since I became sober six months ago, will be there. I'm not keen to face potential pressure to drink or revisit uncomfortable dynamics.

I asked God for guidance about what I should do, and shortly afterward, as odd as this sounds, a huge filling came loose from my tooth while eating a biscuit. Concerned about infection and admittedly how ridiculous I look, I called the dentist and was offered an appointment today at 11 am, exactly the same time as the cremation. I accepted immediately, almost feeling relief at having a legitimate reason not to attend.

Yet, I'm now second guessing myself. Was this just coincidence or possibly divine intervention? Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I've never been to a cremation, and while I don't necessarily want to attend, I feel somewhat guilty for not paying my respects, even though afterward everyone will head straight to the pub, exactly the environment I've worked hard to avoid. I'm caught between guilt, relief, and confusion.

Have I done the right thing here, prioritising my dental health (and possibly sobriety), or should I have rearranged things and attended anyway, out of respect? Any thoughts appreciated.

[ayin jade]

It sounds like your reason would be showing respect because of his sister. There are other ways you can show respect for your friend and his sister. Send her a card with a fruit basket, telling her how much you enjoyed the friendship etc. Or call her. You do not need to be there, especially since you risk pressure from your old addict buddies and also because of your dental issue. Take care of your tooth without feeling guilty, God knows your heart.

[Michael37]

5 minutes ago, irishbeast said:

I'm struggling with some mixed feelings and could use a bit of perspective. Someone I knew only slightly passed away recently, and his cremation is scheduled today. Although we weren't close, I know his sister quite well. Part of me felt obligated to attend, and I genuinely would have gone—I had even arranged a lift with a friend to make sure I'd be there. However, I was hesitant because many of my old drinking friends, who've distanced themselves since I became sober six months ago, will be there. I'm not keen to face potential pressure to drink or revisit uncomfortable dynamics.

I asked God for guidance about what I should do, and shortly afterward, as odd as this sounds, a huge filling came loose from my tooth while eating a biscuit. Concerned about infection and admittedly how ridiculous I look, I called the dentist and was offered an appointment today at 11 am, exactly the same time as the cremation. I accepted immediately, almost feeling relief at having a legitimate reason not to attend.

Yet, I'm now second guessing myself. Was this just coincidence or possibly divine intervention? Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I've never been to a cremation, and while I don't necessarily want to attend, I feel somewhat guilty for not paying my respects, even though afterward everyone will head straight to the pub, exactly the environment I've worked hard to avoid. I'm caught between guilt, relief, and confusion.

Have I done the right thing here, prioritising my dental health (and possibly sobriety), or should I have rearranged things and attended anyway, out of respect? Any thoughts appreciated.

It was definitely providential the way things turned out. The guilt is not from God. You would have been really messed up if you had to endure dental discomfort while attending a funeral of someone you didn't know well with the added anxiety of alcohol afterwards. Take it as a win for your discipleship commitment to Christ. 

[Debp]

49 minutes ago, irishbeast said:

I'm struggling with some mixed feelings and could use a bit of perspective. Someone I knew only slightly passed away recently, and his cremation is scheduled today. Although we weren't close, I know his sister quite well. Part of me felt obligated to attend, and I genuinely would have gone—I had even arranged a lift with a friend to make sure I'd be there. However, I was hesitant because many of my old drinking friends, who've distanced themselves since I became sober six months ago, will be there. I'm not keen to face potential pressure to drink or revisit uncomfortable dynamics.

I asked God for guidance about what I should do, and shortly afterward, as odd as this sounds, a huge filling came loose from my tooth while eating a biscuit. Concerned about infection and admittedly how ridiculous I look, I called the dentist and was offered an appointment today at 11 am, exactly the same time as the cremation. I accepted immediately, almost feeling relief at having a legitimate reason not to attend.

Yet, I'm now second guessing myself. Was this just coincidence or possibly divine intervention? Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I've never been to a cremation, and while I don't necessarily want to attend, I feel somewhat guilty for not paying my respects, even though afterward everyone will head straight to the pub, exactly the environment I've worked hard to avoid. I'm caught between guilt, relief, and confusion.

Have I done the right thing here, prioritising my dental health (and possibly sobriety), or should I have rearranged things and attended anyway, out of respect? Any thoughts appreciated.

I also agree things turned out the way they should have.   Don't feel guilty.   As Ayin Jade mentioned, you can show your respect and concern in other ways.

[ladypeartree]

You asked and you got your answer ..... funerals do NOTHING for the person who has passed ( except tidy up the remains ) and those who attend do so often from a sense of guilt rather than anything else .If you even THINK you may have been tempted to go back to drinking you KNOW you made the right decision . To be honest when I had to bury my son I couldnt have told you who was or was not there same for my sister and both my parents You can do nothing for those that have passed only for the living and attending a funereal does very little for the bereaved it is AFTE the fuss has finished that people often need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on so as AJ says a card or even a pone call or visit to reminisce with his siter would be a much better idea 

[irishbeast]

Thanks everyone. That has made me feel better, which wasn't the reason behind posting I assure you

I have just got back from the Dentist all sorted and it would all be over by now (11.20 cremation - now midday in the uk) All this "Having a drink for Simon" will be the theme of the evening. It does seem that, particularly in the uk everything gets celebrated with alcohol, which I used to love to be fair so am a bit of a Hypocrite. It was to fill a void which has always been there.  The last six months have been strange to say. I was sort of forced to give up the booze. Am I allowed to share the first chapter of the book I am writing if I bleep out the swear words? I think some might find it interesting and I also want feedback from people who have not faced addiction as I have shared it with mostly addicts and some non thus far.

[irishbeast]

2 hours ago, Debp said:

I also agree things turned out the way they should have.   Don't feel guilty.   As Ayin Jade mentioned, you can show your respect and concern in other ways.

Very true. I have a candle I bought for another friend who passed a number of months ago now that I never got round to burning for one reason or another. Its been sat on my kitchen worktop for quite a while now, I'm a very untidy person! Might be something nice I can do tonight and honour them both in my own personal way.

[Retrobyter]

4 minutes ago, irishbeast said:

Very true. I have a candle I bought for another friend who passed a number of months ago now that I never got round to burning for one reason or another. Its been sat on my kitchen worktop for quite a while now, I'm a very untidy person! Might be something nice I can do tonight and honour them both in my own personal way.

Shalom, @irishbeast.

If that is significant to you, then by all means light that candle in honor of those passing. However, the passing of a friend or loved one, when one knows that he or she was a person who trusted in God for His justification, is to think on the RESURRECTION and the reunion to follow! Death is NOT the end! It is merely a step toward the Second Coming of the Messiah Yeeshuwa` (the Christ Jesus).

When the Son of God returns, He is the MASTER of LIFE and death! He said, "I am the Resurrection and the Life!" All those who were promised eternal life shall receive it as promised!

When my uncle died, I had a stiuation in my life that restricted my mobility. I couldn't go to his funeral, and that offended by aunt. I couldn't go, but she couldn't hear my "excuses." Funerals are means to comfort those who mourn, to show them that their grief is important to you, and for one to be there for them. However, I couldn't be there for my mom's funeral nor for my father's! I visited them both prior to their individual deaths and was able to say my good-bye's while they were alive. I KNOW I shall see them both again.

Those who have no hope of life after death will say that the funeral was to "celebrate the person's life." However, we don't celebrate death. We should be looking forward to the RESURRECTION and celebrating the CONFIDENCE we have in God's Son! I believe that I will see my uncle alive again, because he had that testimony that he had accepted Christ as his sacrifice for sin. Coming to an end of oneself and his or her attempts to appease God and throwing oneself on the "mercy of His court," is what God seeks. It is THEN that He can apply His Son's sacrifice to his or her life and TRULY atone for his or her sins. That changes us into "children of God," and He NEVER forsakes His own!

[Debp]

12 hours ago, irishbeast said:

Very true. I have a candle I bought for another friend who passed a number of months ago now that I never got round to burning for one reason or another. Its been sat on my kitchen worktop for quite a while now, I'm a very untidy person! Might be something nice I can do tonight and honour them both in my own personal way.

As @ladypeartree mentioned you might also phone or visit his sister to see how she is or if she needs anything.    Picking up a few items for her or running an errand for her sometimes is appreciated.

I have a few nice neighbors who sometimes help me.   When my 94 year old mother died last June, one neighbor in particular phoned me twice a week from the market to see if I needed any groceries.   That was good company for me...when she recently had the flu, I didn't hear from her for a month and a half....found out those calls meant a lot to me.

 

[Dennis1209]

On 3/20/2025 at 4:41 AM, irishbeast said:

I'm struggling with some mixed feelings and could use a bit of perspective. Someone I knew only slightly passed away recently, and his cremation is scheduled today. Although we weren't close, I know his sister quite well. Part of me felt obligated to attend, and I genuinely would have gone—I had even arranged a lift with a friend to make sure I'd be there. However, I was hesitant because many of my old drinking friends, who've distanced themselves since I became sober six months ago, will be there. I'm not keen to face potential pressure to drink or revisit uncomfortable dynamics.

I asked God for guidance about what I should do, and shortly afterward, as odd as this sounds, a huge filling came loose from my tooth while eating a biscuit. Concerned about infection and admittedly how ridiculous I look, I called the dentist and was offered an appointment today at 11 am, exactly the same time as the cremation. I accepted immediately, almost feeling relief at having a legitimate reason not to attend.

Yet, I'm now second guessing myself. Was this just coincidence or possibly divine intervention? Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I've never been to a cremation, and while I don't necessarily want to attend, I feel somewhat guilty for not paying my respects, even though afterward everyone will head straight to the pub, exactly the environment I've worked hard to avoid. I'm caught between guilt, relief, and confusion.

Have I done the right thing here, prioritising my dental health (and possibly sobriety), or should I have rearranged things and attended anyway, out of respect? Any thoughts appreciated.

You made a wise decision, and I will only speak for myself. I was miraculously cured of decades-long alcoholism, as outlined in my testimony posted here on Worthy. I will not comment on attending a funeral or cremation, as that is a personal choice based on many factors.

But as a Christian, and what it means to me:

1 Thessalonians 5:22 (KJV) Abstain from all appearance of evil.

Many taverns have excellent and cheap lunch buffets, and I used to stop in for lunch and a cold soda, never giving it a second thought. If I am seen coming out of a bar by someone who knows I am a Christian, they may never say anything to me or anyone else, but what would they be thinking of me by my example and my faith?

The Lord cured me of alcoholism on November 24, 2016, and I have never looked back. No shakes, withdrawals, cravings, or twelve-step programs. I still recall how good a cold frosty mug of beer tasted, and I refuse to be tempted back into my old lifestyle; I am a new creature in Christ. To reduce temptation, I have distanced myself from my old drinking and sports buddies. I still face it at various family and social events. I cannot tell the family I will not attend a wedding, reception, baby shower, etc., because afterward, there will be alcohol available. I will graciously abstain from drinking and be an example of my Christian faith and what the Lord did, is doing, and will do for me.

Of the hundreds of times I have got drunk, I cannot credit one good thing that came out of it, but dozens of nasty things. I would be unpopular preaching the evils of excessive drinking, and I would be a hypocrite. When the subject comes up, I am not shy about giving my testimony of Who (Jesus) and what happened to me by the power of God alone.

For me, as far as attending a wake after a funeral or cremation of a non-family member where alcohol will be present, I would rather not unnecessarily subject myself to any further temptations, but that is just me. Most everyone around me knows my story and beliefs, and gossip spreads.

Proverbs 3:5- 6 are wonderful, encouraging, and powerful verses engraved on my beloved Christian grandparents' headstones. Another powerful verse that gives me great hope and encouragement:

Philippians 1:6 (KJV) Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

You are on the right path, my friend. The Christian Walk is not designed to be easy, and all our choices have consequences. Onward, Christian soldier, and let the Lord lead, guide, and direct your path.

Your brother in Christ,

Dennis