People Pleaser seeks advice

[willsmom]

Are there any former people pleasers out there? I would like to know how you kicked the habit.

K

[shepherdsgrace]

Oh yes. I was miserable with people pleasing. I so much craved the acceptance of people. My people pleasing life style did not change overnight but as I submitted myself to pleasing the Lord it was amazing how the other carnal people pleasing dropped away on its own. To please people out of love or honor is one thing. But I was craving acceptance. Once I began to deeply realize that I am accepted in Christ and desired to live for him life choices began to change. Today I no longer expect people to give me what only God can give and that is total acceptance. And to say the least, my relationships with people are much more satisfying!

There really is so much more that I could say. could write the proverbial book. But let me testify that living to please others is a hard way to go. Never have met the person that I could please 100 percent of the time! But living to please God and loving others is much more satisfying and fulfilling!

[Sadat13]

Willsmom,

I can really relate here. I used to think that as a Christian I had to be there for everyone at all times. My in-laws had me running in circles just about everytime they were in a bind. About 3 years ago I took a class on boundaries that changed me completely. I learned that it is not required of me to be the "YES" girl by God. Let me say here that it is not easy to change old habits and it is even harder to get people to accept the new way that you are doing things. If you are not doing things in the right spirit, anotherwords not really wanting to do it and kinda dreading it, then your not doing it for the right reasons anyhow. In my habit of being the "YES" girl I was not allowing others to learn how to solve their own ploblems and I was wearing myself out. For the first year that I started setting my boundaries I got some terrible messages left for me from my in-laws who were none to happy about my new way of living. There were times that I felt like just giving up and going back to everyones rescue, but thankfully I had a good support group of women that encouraged me when I didnt know what to do. I also went to Al-Anon as my sister-in-law is an addict who I had allowed to bring her problems into my life trying to "Save" her. We talked about boundaries in Al-Anon also, so that was another support system for me. Three years later I can say that everyone in my life is now used to the fact that I will do things for them "Only" when it is something they trully need help with, and that I am doing with the right spirit. I feel so free from the bagage I used to carry for others, and I know now that the word "NO" is a comlete sentence. I do remind myself all the time to set my boundaries. I even put a message to myself on my cell phone that says "Set Your Boundaries" everytime I turn it on. I pray that you can find the strength to learn how to set your boundaries also.

[nebula]

Funny you should ask this. I'm having a similar struggle.

How do you be a servant as Jesus commanded, yet not be a doormat?

How do you "go the extra mile" but not let yourself be used all the time?

And likewise, how do you be assertive without being a jerk in the process?

(I hope this isn't hijacking the thread, but it seems the problem is mutual, isn't it?)

[refugepsa91]

Saying...No, I'm sorry I can't do that...is not being a bad christian. I had to learn to say no too. Its really hard to at first, but bottom line is this when you leap that first hurdle and say "no" it will get easier. This is not to say that it gets easier to be a jerk Its easier to honestly tell people that you just can't do them that favor....think of it this way....if you can't do favors without peace in your heart, and are doing it because you can't say no, then you have some mixed feelings, then our motives are not out of kindness they out of feeling like you HAVE too.

Did that make sense? Learning to say no is very important in my opinion, especially to those that use you because they know you have a hard time telling them no.

I help...I help everyone I can...but sometimes I'm just not able to and I'm honest with the person and tell them I'm sorry but I can't.

I promise its gets easier, and you won't believe how much better you will feel when you are honest with a person.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[willsmom]

Funny you should ask this. I'm having a similar struggle.

How do you be a servant as Jesus commanded, yet not be a doormat?

How do you "go the extra mile" but not let yourself be used all the time?

And likewise, how do you be assertive without being a jerk in the process?

(I hope this isn't hijacking the thread, but it seems the problem is mutual, isn't it?)

You said it! I ask the same questions. Its really tough and people that have stepped all over me in my life are stepping harder than ever before

[willsmom]

My people pleasing is all surrounding one person in my life. If I don't make her friends happy, she chews me out. If I don't think like she does, she chews me out. If I don't agree with her opinion, she chews me out. And I do mean literally Chews me out.

ITs a prison.

[shepherdsgrace]

Prisons are terrible. They really are. You have my sympathy for sure. I been in a few myself down through the years. Sometimes it just cannot be helped. But do you have to live with this person? Can you not begin to break away? Sounds like you are being subjected to browbeating and manipulation in a big way. And you are really the only one who can make the choices to break away. Praying for you!

[Avodah]

Funny you should ask this. I'm having a similar struggle.

How do you be a servant as Jesus commanded, yet not be a doormat?

How do you "go the extra mile" but not let yourself be used all the time?

And likewise, how do you be assertive without being a jerk in the process?

(I hope this isn't hijacking the thread, but it seems the problem is mutual, isn't it?)

I have asked those questions myself.

I used to walk around with a big sign on my forehead that said "walk on me." It was terrible and it stemed from being a victim of abuse, so I had a victim mentallity. I used to see a therapest (sp?) and this is what he told me; it is ok to say no, it is the other person's choice weather they are going to be mad about it or not.

We don't "make" people mad, they chose to be mad. I used to be so afraid of making anyone mad at me because they might not like me, now...if they get mad, I know it is not my problem nor my fault (and I'm not saying that with an attitude). Of course there is a balance and I had to learn where that was. It was scary practicing to not be a door mat, but now, wow...what a freedom.

I will be praying for you!

[Adarian]

I went the other way from you Avodah, I just kept to myself, I pleased myself without regard to others, mostly out of a lack of awareness that other people were open to relationship. People used to get so angry. And I would be clueless. I didn't get their anger. Now I have to think consciously about how I relate to people or I slip back to the old way of solitary behaviors.