Male/Female co-workers--what are the boundaries?

[Hippie333]

Yesterday my daughter and I were shopping downtown and she asked to get an ice cream cone. As soon as we walked in, I saw the husband of a friend from my Bible study having ice cream with a very attractive woman. They were laughing and seemed to be enjoying each other's company. When I spoke to them, he seemed a bit off balanced but introduced me to his co-worker. This was about 1:30, the middle of the work day. I wondered why he had time to leave his high level job with the city to go get ice cream with a pretty lady, but that's just how my mind works. Their marriage may be one of trust, and they would have no problem with opposite sex friends.

My question is not whether to tell the wife--she is just a casual friend, and I don't want to start trouble so I won't bring it up unless she does--but what are the boundaries for married Christians with opposite sex co-workers? Of course, we want good relationships with the people we work with, and there nothing wrong with having coffee or lunch in the break room, but do you leave your job site and take an extended break with a person who is not your spouse?

My father worked, my mother did not. He made it a rule never to be alone with a female co-worker unless it was job related. He did not engage in long conversations at the water cooler with women. He did not go out for drinks after work, and anytime there was an outside activity planned, my mother went or he would not.

Just curious to know your thoughts on this.

Your father had the exact right way to do things

 

God Bless,

Hip

[missmuffet]

 

Yesterday my daughter and I were shopping downtown and she asked to get an ice cream cone. As soon as we walked in, I saw the husband of a friend from my Bible study having ice cream with a very attractive woman. They were laughing and seemed to be enjoying each other's company. When I spoke to them, he seemed a bit off balanced but introduced me to his co-worker. This was about 1:30, the middle of the work day. I wondered why he had time to leave his high level job with the city to go get ice cream with a pretty lady, but that's just how my mind works. Their marriage may be one of trust, and they would have no problem with opposite sex friends.

My question is not whether to tell the wife--she is just a casual friend, and I don't want to start trouble so I won't bring it up unless she does--but what are the boundaries for married Christians with opposite sex co-workers? Of course, we want good relationships with the people we work with, and there nothing wrong with having coffee or lunch in the break room, but do you leave your job site and take an extended break with a person who is not your spouse?

My father worked, my mother did not. He made it a rule never to be alone with a female co-worker unless it was job related. He did not engage in long conversations at the water cooler with women. He did not go out for drinks after work, and anytime there was an outside activity planned, my mother went or he would not.

Just curious to know your thoughts on this.

Your father had the exact right way to do things

 

God Bless,

Hip

 

Yes,you are right hippie that is the way it should be.

[RustyAngeL]

Yesterday my daughter and I were shopping downtown and she asked to get an ice cream cone. As soon as we walked in, I saw the husband of a friend from my Bible study having ice cream with a very attractive woman. They were laughing and seemed to be enjoying each other's company. When I spoke to them, he seemed a bit off balanced but introduced me to his co-worker. This was about 1:30, the middle of the work day. I wondered why he had time to leave his high level job with the city to go get ice cream with a pretty lady, but that's just how my mind works. Their marriage may be one of trust, and they would have no problem with opposite sex friends.

My question is not whether to tell the wife--she is just a casual friend, and I don't want to start trouble so I won't bring it up unless she does--but what are the boundaries for married Christians with opposite sex co-workers? Of course, we want good relationships with the people we work with, and there nothing wrong with having coffee or lunch in the break room, but do you leave your job site and take an extended break with a person who is not your spouse?

My father worked, my mother did not. He made it a rule never to be alone with a female co-worker unless it was job related. He did not engage in long conversations at the water cooler with women. He did not go out for drinks after work, and anytime there was an outside activity planned, my mother went or he would not.

Just curious to know your thoughts on this.You

You do not tell his wife anything.  That is not your place, that is  his. Just keep out of it and pray for them.

[alphaparticle]

I largely agree with Shiloh on this one. People overestimate their abilities, and underestimate their weaknesses all of the time. Men and women were made to have sexual attractions to each other, and no matter what your intentions are, if you are spending a lot of one on one time with someone of the opposite sex in a friendly manner, that may trigger instincts before you know they are there. Being friendly, or being friends in couple situations is one thing, having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex in my age range is not something I'd do. I doubt any female I work with would think I'm a weirdo or cold, but I wouldn't go out to ice cream with them alone. My female friend, and best friend, is my wife.

 

A couple verses pop to mind...

 

jer 17:9

 

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

 

mat 26:41

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

 

1 cor 7:2

 

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

[Sugarbaker]

A recent issue of Christian History Magazine had an article about the "Modesto Manifesto," a code of conduct agreed upon by Billy Graham and his team, drawn up in a hotel room in Modesto California. They set up standards of behavior that would help them avoid allegations of financial misuse and hucksterism, determined to avoid the slightest whiff of controversy.

The greatest issue facing them was not money or power, but sex. Each man on the Graham team agreed never to be alone with a woman other than his wife. Billy pledged never to eat, travel or meet with a woman other than his wife unless other people were present. The manifesto assured Graham and his team would avoid tempting situations. Billy Graham has been on Gallup Polls ten most admired people fifty-seven times, derived in no small part for his reputation for sexual fidelity.

[missmuffet]

A recent issue of Christian History Magazine had an article about the "Modesto Manifesto," a code of conduct agreed upon by Billy Graham and his team, drawn up in a hotel room in Modesto California. They set up standards of behavior that would help them avoid allegations of financial misuse and hucksterism, determined to avoid the slightest whiff of controversy.

The greatest issue facing them was not money or power, but sex. Each man on the Graham team agreed never to be alone with a woman other than his wife. Billy pledged never to eat, travel or meet with a woman other than his wife unless other people were present. The manifesto assured Graham and his team would avoid tempting situations. Billy Graham has been on Gallup Polls ten most admired people fifty-seven times, derived in no small part for his reputation for sexual fidelity.

Yes,I have posted that before.I think that is very honorable.Billy Graham really loved his wife.I have read a couple of books about him.

[JohnD]

Why play with fire?

[JohnD]

I don't know that I would rush to tell his wife. But I would not participate in a cover-up. And I would not lie if asked.

 

How he acts the next time(s) he sees you at Bible study will say a lot about what he was up to or not.

 

Billy Graham's (and Harry Truman's btw) way is best. He may not be up to something but a woman might be. Or neither of them may be up to anything and it just looks bad.

 

I cannot say I always followed the Truman / Graham method, but some time ago I started that method and never looked back.

 

To this day I get "tested" by female coworkers who know my wife and who know I am madly in love with her. The other day, one did not get a promotion and in passing I said I was sorry for her and she replied "It's okay, I still love you." I just chortled and left it there as I walked away. I no longer speak to her except in greetings or work related conversation.

 

The other day another female coworker butted in on a conversation where I was telling another coworker I put some work for them to do "on their ledge" (of their workstation). The interruption was "you put what on my leg?"

 

I just said flatly, firmly: "I am not going there!"

 

In the past, after a misunderstanding with a customer (which I spoke of here before), this same female coworker came into my confined workspace doing a dance step they used to call the bubala (a step twisting and advancing on a would be partner swinging upper endowments side to side). And the horrified expression on my face as I backed away (backing into my workspace) made her stop and with a shocked look on her face said "Did I scare you?" I told her I want no part of that sort of thing, I am a Christian (she chimed in that she was too) and madly in love with my wife. And I did not want to be misunderstood in any way that I want no part of that sort of thing. 

 

That was 6 years ago.

 

Still on my guard around her and those like her and I always will be.

 

The misunderstanding with the customer was when I lowered my guard with a lady who popped out of her house with very apparent intentions. I thought my professional and compassionate (yet firm) rejections of her innuendos / flirtations / making passes at me were understood by her as she had stopped it for several weeks before the surprise bushwhacking.

 

When I tried to tell people about this stuff I usually get the "ah, it's all your imagination! It's all in your head. You WANT them to come on to you so you thing they all are."

 

I really truly do not want the attention or the evil sexual passes. But along with the presumption that men are guilty till proven innocent is the presumption that we want this sort of attention.

 

There was a time when I did want to get just the attention even the desire of women... but after being married a while (my wife is a very good teacher about what women are up to) I learned what a trap having those feelings can be. So I purged them. It is quite liberating. I can distinguish between a person truly in need and the damsel in distress routine. That sort of thing.

 

But when a guy reaches out to you (especially your husband) don't presume he's reacting to an imagined female aggressor / pursuer because of his own ego. There are a lot of very aggressive females out there today. And some of them are the fatal attraction types (who are nutty even without the affair... I guess they combined Fatal Attraction with Jerry McGuire "you had me at hello" because it only takes a non sexual hello to trigger their insanity).

 

Very sore topic with me.

[JohnD]

Someone asked me the other day about biblical gender roles and if they still apply in today's modern world. I gave them a very long answer. But it was the right one. Generally the accepted response about the gender roles and the Bible is "that was then this is now." Good book btw follow up to the Outsiders (but I digress).

 

The short version of my answer was that the fairness and equality and egalitarianism and everything we love to cheer about in modern "advancement" between the genders do not take into account the fallen sin nature of man. God did not specify roles for the genders to clobber anyone or to dishonor anyone or to repress anyone. Given the fallen sin nature of humanity and the evil world we live in, these are the most beneficial roles we can have and be.

 

We can function fairly adequately outside of those roles, but only like one who ignores the manufacturer's manual and eyeballs it, or uses the wrong tool to do the job. You can screw in a flathead screw with a butterknife or chisel but only with damage to the tools the screws and the surface you are driving the screw into. You can use a flathead screwdriver to chisel out some work but the work will be damaged and the job shoddy at best.

 

And then there's the consequential additions to rejecting biblical gender roles like increased infidelity, Peter Pan males, deadbeat dads, aggressive and desperate females, the list goes on and on.

[JohnD]

Sorry to derail the thread.

 

I do believe there is a connection though.

 

Genders are way too familiar with the other.

 

The barriers of chivalry afforded walls of protection for both genders.

 

Antiquated / inhibited? The old protest to a very functional system...

 

No, just realistic given the depravity of mankind.