Conflicted

[mayfield]

Hi, I am nervous to post this here but here we go. I am 32 years old and a cancer survivor. Being diagnosed with cancer and underdoing treatment at my age was incredibly hard but the worst part was learning that treatment would leave me infertile. I felt broken, worthless and ashamed for a long time but eventually, God and my church healed me physically and emotionally. For a while, I thought my purpose was to adopt. My husband however kept pushing for surrogacy. Recently my oncologist suggested implanting an embryo in my uterus. This in itself is a miracle as we were expecting my menstrual cycles to end after radiation therapy to my pelvis. However, I am riddled with guilt and confusion. I feel strongly that this particular form of infertility treatment would be disobeying God- creating and ending human life in the form of embryos. Yet, the hope of possibly carrying a pregnancy to term is so great- my single greatest wish in this world. Could someone please offer any advice? I pray for an answer everyday. 

[Jayne]

Hi, mayfield -

A couple of things.  I am a cancer survivor, too.  I never had children and with the cancer coming at a late age for me (52) it just compounded my feelings of inadequacy.  BUT I have surpassed all of that and feel nothing but good - and used by God for his glory in whatever way he chooses - as a childless woman.

You and your husband remind me of Abraham and Sarah in that Abraham wanted to adopt, like you, and Sarah wanted to use a surrogate mother, like your husband.  So remember you all aren't going through this alone.  Couple since the beginning have undergone grief over infertility.

As far as what your oncologist is suggesting - are you talking about in vitro?  If so, are you using your own eggs or eggs from donors?

I would ask my doctors this:  Can you control the number of embryos formed with your husand's sperm/donor eggs or both yours/his sperm and eggs so that you don't have to "discard" any.  I don't believe in discarding embryos.  But it you could have the final word on how many are made and put into your body, I think it would be fine.  It's very, very costly and doctors may not limit the number made because of the costs.

 

[mayfield]

Hi Jayne,

Thank you so much for your kind response. I appreciate you sharing your story. It helps to know there are others who have felt this incredible pain and overcome it. I have turned to God's word and found a few passages related to infertility, which does give me some comfort.

After my diagnosis, my oncology team told us with certainty that I could never carry a child. I mourned this loss and cried out to God everyday. It was around the time that I started to accept my infertility that my oncologist suggested IVF using my own eggs and husband's sperm due to the fact that I'm miraculously still menstruating (a medical mystery). A small part of me wonders if this could be part of God's plan after I prayed so hard for a child. I could see if we can limit the number of embryos but even so, there is a high chance that my radiated uterus will not be able to support a pregnancy and result in a miscarriage. I am consumed with guilt at the thought.

Another question I am struggling with: Do I owe it to my husband to pursue this? I know that our spouses come second only to God and I take great care to nurture my marriage. I can't blame my husband for wanting biological children and I feel guilty for depriving him (and his parents) of that. When I was ill, he was my caregiver- he took me to my appointments, sat with me through 4 hours of chemo and 6 hours of radiation, picked up my prescriptions, and took care of me at home, all the while working full time. I feel indebted to him and would do anything for him. I am so confused. 

Edited April 27, 2016 by mayfield

[Ezra]

5 hours ago, mayfield said:

I feel strongly that this particular form of infertility treatment would be disobeying God- creating and ending human life in the form of embryos.

Hi Mayfield, and Welcome.

You have formulated your course of action right here. Assuming your husband is also a Christian, and holds the same values that you do, you both would be wise to avoid this course of action, and find another way to have children (avoiding surrogacy also). If you can adopt a very young child, that would be probably as good as having your own.

[Esther4:14]

Hi Mayfield,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony with us of your physical restoration and the strong relationship you have with your husband.  I pray both of these continue in the same strength.  

In my opinion, because of the age you were when you started receiving treatments, it is possible that they were not able to know every possible outcome for your age.  I am assuming that you went through cancer treatments in your 20's.  Therefore, it is possible that you are capable of greater recovery from the same treatments, than someone who is 10 years older than you would have been.  This would help explain the return of a menstrual cycle and even the possibility that the return of your menstrual cycle indicates the possibility of carrying a pregnancy.  

Therefore, I would think that it is reasonable to wait to make a final decision in regard to the options that your doctor is presenting.  It might be worthwhile to see if it is possible to carry a pregnancy even considering the negative prognosis for the cancer treatment you received, that was more than likely based on common outcomes for people older than you were at the time of treatment.  

This would give you and your husband more time to reflect on His plan for starting a family together.  

[mayfield]

7 minutes ago, Ezra said:

Hi Mayfield, and Welcome.

You have formulated your course of action right here. Assuming your husband is also a Christian, and holds the same values that you do, you both would be wise to avoid this course of action, and find another way to have children (avoiding surrogacy also). If you can adopt a very young child, that would be probably as good as having your own.

Thanks for your response. My husband is also a believer so I was very surprised that he didn't take issue with surrogacy or IVF. Is there any ambiguity on this? 

My heart hurts. I don't wish to disobey God nor do I want to disappoint my husband. Either way, I am filled with guilt and self loathing. What if this decision results in ending our marriage? I am trying to surrender my fears to God but have not succeeded.

[Jayne]

If your husband loves you as much as he appears to and if he took care of you during your cancer like you describe - well, people don't DO that for their spouses for their spouses to OWE them something.  I'm sure he doesn't feel that way.

I suggest you both get counseling together about your options and discuss with open mouths and hearts and minds every single thing that burdens you about this.

 

[other one]

5 hours ago, Jayne said:

If your husband loves you as much as he appears to and if he took care of you during your cancer like you describe - well, people don't DO that for their spouses for their spouses to OWE them something.  I'm sure he doesn't feel that way.

I suggest you both get counseling together about your options and discuss with open mouths and hearts and minds every single thing that burdens you about this.

 

I agree with Jayne.....  you should, together, seek counseling from a professional who is a Christian.   No one here should be offering advice that could ultimately destroy your marriage if mishandled, especially not including your husband in the conversation.

[mayfield]

9 hours ago, Esther4:14 said:

Hi Mayfield,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony with us of your physical restoration and the strong relationship you have with your husband.  I pray both of these continue in the same strength.  

In my opinion, because of the age you were when you started receiving treatments, it is possible that they were not able to know every possible outcome for your age.  I am assuming that you went through cancer treatments in your 20's.  Therefore, it is possible that you are capable of greater recovery from the same treatments, than someone who is 10 years older than you would have been.  This would help explain the return of a menstrual cycle and even the possibility that the return of your menstrual cycle indicates the possibility of carrying a pregnancy.  

Therefore, I would think that it is reasonable to wait to make a final decision in regard to the options that your doctor is presenting.  It might be worthwhile to see if it is possible to carry a pregnancy even considering the negative prognosis for the cancer treatment you received, that was more than likely based on common outcomes for people older than you were at the time of treatment.  

This would give you and your husband more time to reflect on His plan for starting a family together.  

Thank you, Esther, for your kind words. I agree we need more time to discuss it (in counseling or with our Pastor ideally) and to reflect prayerfully but we may not have much time. I went through my cancer diagnosis and treatment last year at age 31. My husband and I were trying to conceive when my doctor found a malignant tumor. Treatment ended 6 months ago and I am currently cancer free (praise God!) but still healing emotionally. There is a possibility that I will go into menopause any day now and stop producing eggs. This race against time has been clouding my mind and adding to our stress. My husband is scheduled to deploy overseas next spring so now is not the best time to grow our family anyway. 

Has anyone here adopted an infant domestically?

[mayfield]

1 hour ago, other one said:

I agree with Jayne.....  you should, together, seek counseling from a professional who is a Christian.   No one here should be offering advice that could ultimately destroy your marriage if mishandled, especially not including your husband in the conversation.

I appreciate your insights. My posts have digressed a bit. I came here not seeking marital advice but thoughts on how to overcome my inner struggles and to see if any Christians have done infertility treatments. I realize this is a joint decision that my husband and I need to make together. I don't know if we will ever see eye to eye on this issue but I am hopeful that a professional intermediary will help us come to a decision that we can both live with.

Thanks to all who have responded.