Spiritually battered

[Guest BacKaran]

It's one of the hardest tests ever as a parent... Letting sibling and parent go, letting adult children go.

My son and daughter were raised with the bible and I came out of the rcc. One of thier cousins is a practicing homosexual who had a ceremony with another homosexual.... Both son and daughter lied about coming into town for Christmas to New Years to see me, they were invited to the ceremony... i was not because I'm born again.

Long story short, after viewing some ceremony pictures on Facebook I saw the partner and her parents walking down the aisle....I commented that it looked like the parents where going to a funeral, they were sooooo not happy. my son disowned me as a homophobic, intolerant, Jesus freak..etc....

So I turned him over to God, like I did my daughter and my siblings and dad. 

Our relationships change as we're grow older. Yours is for you and your hubby to follow God and if need be, leave everyone else behind, you can pray and live then from afar.

Since 2010, I've seen my siblings and I have four, two times each since my hubby's funeral. I've no contact with the nieces since or my son since 2014.

 

We are hear for you with prayers and support.?

[cherubim]

40 minutes ago, Marilyn C said:

Hi cherubim,

I do understand that there is much you can`t share of difficult things that have happened. Even what you shared is quite hurtful, I can see.

Now as your children are adults you cannot control them (even for right reasons) for they will not let you, & will see you as well...controlling. Does God control us? Does He want us to be robots? No. it is a two way relationship. You need to build into your adult children`s lives by being encouraging, & interested in their lives, their work, interests & friends. be someone they want to be around, not some one they want to run from because they feel you want to control them.

They are adults & will make up there own minds as to what they believe, where they will go, who they will see, & no amount of you trying to stop, protect them will stop them doing that. If fact it will have the opposite affect, as to making them keep away from you.

A big one to work through....but as you work with the Holy Spirit to be an encourager & not a fearful policewoman towards your adult children, you will see them make good decisions.

regards, Marilyn

I'm unsure of exactly what you mean. I do understand being more attractive to my children - but you don't believe I should draw a boundary with my sister? I would never think to go around her and contact her step-children - especially if she was going through terrible physical ordeals. The fact that she has continued to do this blurting: "YOU don't get it! I contact whoever I want!"  Is ugly, prideful, and bullying, maladaptive behavior. I told her she caused much damage in my family, but she ignores it like a dolt and continues to blatantly contact them! Who does something like that?  

I don't know how to handle it. My children are not strong in the faith. She offers them a carefree attitude and my husband said: "she wants to be the 'fun' aunt."  I don't want to be so loved by my children that I keep my mouth closed when they're doing something not right! Of course they don't like it, but I have their best interests at heart.  My sister offers the "anything goes" carefree relationship that is void of healthy boundaries.

I can't control my children, but I did tell my sister to back off. I see her actions as patently cruel.  When my husband & I went out of state for my surgery, she contacted them, and had a photo taken of her parked right in the center of my children. I really think she wants to replace me. It's a feeling I got. Her husband is older, and I think she's afraid if he passes, her stepchildren won't bother with her.  I had shared with her that I was concerned I may not make it through the physical damage, and I think in her mind she wants to be in my place.  Who would tell a mother their children don't like them? It seems she is trying to lure them, and get in between my children and me.

I held back, but when I attempted to reconnect with her, she seems to not want to reconnect with me - only my children. This is alarming to me. I believe it confirms my intuition that she is trying to lure them to her. That is when I told her flat-out that my children are not hers, that I am not responsible for her choices to not have a family.  I guess I view her as a threat. My husband said I'm their mother, and they;ll come to realize things. I don't think she is beneath putting me down to them and trying to put a wedge in there if she can. I am dealing with far too much to have her antics. I feel like I have to watch my back.

[Marilyn C]

3 hours ago, cherubim said:

I'm unsure of exactly what you mean. I do understand being more attractive to my children - but you don't believe I should draw a boundary with my sister? I would never think to go around her and contact her step-children - especially if she was going through terrible physical ordeals. The fact that she has continued to do this blurting: "YOU don't get it! I contact whoever I want!"  Is ugly, prideful, and bullying, maladaptive behavior. I told her she caused much damage in my family, but she ignores it like a dolt and continues to blatantly contact them! Who does something like that?  

I don't know how to handle it. My children are not strong in the faith. She offers them a carefree attitude and my husband said: "she wants to be the 'fun' aunt."  I don't want to be so loved by my children that I keep my mouth closed when they're doing something not right! Of course they don't like it, but I have their best interests at heart.  My sister offers the "anything goes" carefree relationship that is void of healthy boundaries.

I can't control my children, but I did tell my sister to back off. I see her actions as patently cruel.  When my husband & I went out of state for my surgery, she contacted them, and had a photo taken of her parked right in the center of my children. I really think she wants to replace me. It's a feeling I got. Her husband is older, and I think she's afraid if he passes, her stepchildren won't bother with her.  I had shared with her that I was concerned I may not make it through the physical damage, and I think in her mind she wants to be in my place.  Who would tell a mother their children don't like them? It seems she is trying to lure them, and get in between my children and me.

I held back, but when I attempted to reconnect with her, she seems to not want to reconnect with me - only my children. This is alarming to me. I believe it confirms my intuition that she is trying to lure them to her. That is when I told her flat-out that my children are not hers, that I am not responsible for her choices to not have a family.  I guess I view her as a threat. My husband said I'm their mother, and they;ll come to realize things. I don't think she is beneath putting me down to them and trying to put a wedge in there if she can. I am dealing with far too much to have her antics. I feel like I have to watch my back.

Hi cherubim,

Now you have been given prayers & Godly counsel, so I believe you need to be thankful & put aside this continual going over your problem like worry beads.

So....it`s the worry beads - or letting God do His work.

Can`t have both. Marilyn.

[cherubim]

1 hour ago, Marilyn C said:

Hi cherubim,

Now you have been given prayers & Godly counsel, so I believe you need to be thankful & put aside this continual going over your problem like worry beads.

So....it`s the worry beads - or letting God do His work.

Can`t have both. Marilyn.

I suppose I am holding onto it - you don't know the evil that was done by a family member that this sister associates with. She appointed herself as judge and determined SHE was going to go over my head. I have a fear of her doing this again, now that I made the mistake of giving her my children's numbers.  I see she is untrustworthy and would rather lie that live by truth. I know at this point, I can just show my children truth and love and hopefully they will see what she is. My best instincts are that I think she is trying to take my place as their mother. She was executrix of my father's estate, and threatened to keep money my father left for me. So she is not operating in truth.  I told her I saved her text threat and if she attempted to divert or keep money left to me she would be held criminally and civilly liable.

She gave the other siblings their financial packet, and I was told about it long afterwards. I had to speak with the financial manager and asked if she could keep any of the money and he told me she could not. Now, my father's house was sold, and I am wary of her keeping some of the money due me. I asked a question online from a legal service and they advised I hire a lawyer. I don't want things to get ugly, but am uncertain if I should hire a lawyer.  I was the sister who visited her when none of the others wouldn't - so I'm trying to ascertain what she's doing. I know this much:  If to have a relationship means the rules must be that I am the wrong one when this is clearly not so, it doesn't seem possible to live like that.  I know Christ suffered with people, and we are to love and pray for them, and I love my sister. But for her to shun me and contact my children against my husband's and my wishes is very ugly and very pushy, and very disrespectful. We are to "treat others as you want to be treated."  I'm not mistreating her and contacting her stepchildren and stirring up trouble. She is.  The world is populated with millions of people - why doesn't she adopt or contact others.  Why try to move in on my children.

 

[cherubim]

1 hour ago, Abby-Joy said:

I know it's incredibly painful to feel your sister is moving in on your children when you're in a vulnerable place.  I'm sorry this is happening.  You likely know a lot more to this, being you grew up with her.  We're on the outside looking in, not having that history with her.  It seems like there's a lot more going on in this situation. 

There isn't an easy answer... you can't just stop hurting.  But you must try to let go a bit, and trust God to bring your adult children to the truth, and keep their hearts safe.  For your sanity, peace of mind, and your health .... it isn't good to carry such a heavy burden.  Your children are grown... surely, they know you are their mother and can't be replaced.  I hope you can find some rest from your worries....

You are right Abby - there is some very deep, ugly, and painful things done by another sister, Linda -who I wish God would remove from the face of the earth due to her evil - that my sister Pat did not feel, I did. For her to contact some of my children who are receptive to her, she is causing division among all of my children and our family.  She is disrespecting my husband and my wishes for her to refrain. For an older adult woman to push her way in, knowing of the intense trouble she caused - is sick. I had thought there was something generational passed down in that family - I prayed against it a long time ago. Our great grandmother's sister was evil. She had her sister committed - which was common years back - so she could steal her money and two young children- a lawsuit she obtained from the killing of her husband.  I watched this played out as a cousin attempted to get my father's money by threatening suicide. He gave her money - then she went back for $9-10 grand more. This was after she was given a free condo and a good deal of money from her parents' death - they were wealthier.  After my dad passed, she was buzzing around asking about his money. I believe she waited until she knew I was given an inheritance, and she contacted me threatening suicide, she didn't have money for prescriptions etc.  

I thought of the verse "do for others as you want done to you" so I struggled with what I was to do. I asked counsel of a friend and she said she didn't think that verse applied to her because she's a liar and manipulator. She said for her to ask money of me, with all I'm going through is cruel. Her brother told me whenever she wants money she threatens suicide. So I had to cut her out.  I think there is generational sin passed down.  None of them live by truth.  Linda - the most evil - claims to be a Christian, as does my other sister Joanne.  Pat does not.

Going back to my friend's counsel, I think it is cruel of Pat to contact my children when she knows the full story, and I specifically told her we did not want our children around Linda.  Pat completely ignored my request, appointing herself judge.  That's ugly. We had a blowout, and she is STILL contacting my children.  I attempted to restore the friendship, but she started right back in on me - stating the problem is *me* when in TRUTH it is HER.  So how do you handle that? My children are not going to be rude to her and tell her to stop contacting them.  Knowing the grief we are enduring - then attempting to move in on my children is sadistic - yet she doesn't see it.

Going by intuition - the way she moved in on them as soon as we left to go out of state for surgery, she got them together, with her rear planted right in the center, as if she was the matriarch, and having a photo taken. I think it's either a conscious or subconscious desire to "own" what I have.  She recently retired and moved away, and keeps bugging my children to visit - she wants them to settle near her. She's in effect, trying to make my children her own.  I told her to adopt if she wants a family.  She insists she has a family - but they're her stepchildren. I surmised she is afraid she'll be alone if her husband dies - and she won't hear from them - they'll go with their biological mother.

So I see all these things - and her desperate attempt to get in with my children - at any cost to me and my husband. Please pray because we are stretched beyond what we can handle and now she is rearing her ugly head trying to get what we have.

[cherubim]

On November 2, 2016 at 2:47 AM, Marilyn C said:

Hi cherubim,

You see the situation from your side, as your sister causing damage to your family relationships. However your sister is seeing it as though you do not want to her to relate to her nieces & nephews, (your adult children). This is how you come across to her & I think she would not understand or accept any blame.

For you to try & CONTROL others, (your adult children, your sister) is very human, but counterproductive. As I said it will only reinforce other`s view of you as controlling. No one, but really no one wants to be controlled by another, & actually do you realise that you are usurping the Holy Spirit`s role of guiding people into the truth. If you continue on your controlling path, I can only see heart ache & broken relationships.

This is a test for you to really trust the Lord & to build relationships with His guidance.

BTW when we ask God for `heavy prayer requests` as you said, most often God is dealing with us!!!!!! We want others to change or the situation, but God is working on our attitude!!!!

regards, Marilyn. 

She went behind my back and contacted my children and invited them to an event where there was someone there who did unspeakable evil. I know the entire situation - she does not. She knows some. For her to move in half-cocked announcing she can do what she wants is arrogant. She caused extreme division within my family. For her to do that is sick. She can divert her attention to her other nieces and nephews and leave mine alone. She can adopt.  I am not attempting to control - I am attempting to have her back out while feelings are still raw.  I would NEVER think to move in on her stepchildren - that's stepping into another person's family and SHE is a bully and would NEVER tolerate that if I tried it.  For her to then threaten to keep money my father left me because she was named executrix is evil. I had to threaten to have her charged criminally and civilly.  This is not an individual I trust my children with. I told them what she did - they're aware of her threatening to keep money my father left to me. My daughter told me she texted her again. For her to continue pushing in like this - I think she needs psychological counseling.  My husband thinks it's jealousy because she never had her own children. That's not my fault.  She didn't suffer the multiple pains of birth and raising them - we did.  It's a good model if you can pull it off - don't go through the pains of raising a family, then move in on a siblings and create trouble to make it easier for her to step in and lure them away.

I don't know that backing away is the right thing - of course I can't stop her from contacting them now that I mistakenly gave her their phone #'s.  Most people would respect it if you caused trouble in their family, and were told to keep out.  For someone to continue causing division and pushing their way into your family - I think she has mental problems, or is so distressed that she didn't have a family that she can't stand to see me with one.  

 

[Churchmouse]

9 minutes ago, cherubim said:

She went behind my back and contacted my children and invited them to an event where there was someone there who did unspeakable evil. I know the entire situation - she does not. She knows some. For her to move in half-cocked announcing she can do what she wants is arrogant. She caused extreme division within my family. For her to do that is sick. She can divert her attention to her other nieces and nephews and leave mine alone. She can adopt.  I am not attempting to control - I am attempting to have her back out while feelings are still raw.  I would NEVER think to move in on her stepchildren - that's stepping into another person's family and SHE is a bully and would NEVER tolerate that if I tried it.  For her to then threaten to keep money my father left me because she was named executrix is evil. I had to threaten to have her charged criminally and civilly.  This is not an individual I trust my children with. I told them what she did - they're aware of her threatening to keep money my father left to me. My daughter told me she texted her again. For her to continue pushing in like this - I think she needs psychological counseling.  My husband thinks it's jealousy because she never had her own children. That's not my fault.  She didn't suffer the multiple pains of birth and raising them - we did.  It's a good model if you can pull it off - don't go through the pains of raising a family, then move in on a siblings and create trouble to make it easier for her to step in and lure them away.

I don't know that backing away is the right thing - of course I can't stop her from contacting them now that I mistakenly gave her their phone #'s.  Most people would respect it if you caused trouble in their family, and were told to keep out.  For someone to continue causing division and pushing their way into your family - I think she has mental problems, or is so distressed that she didn't have a family that she can't stand to see me with one.  

 

Take care of your family and get a lawyer to intervene in your behalf in the legal matters before you. Be an example to the rest of your immediate and extended family as to how to deal with this woman. If she is doing this to you, she is probably doing it to others and for you to stand up and castrate her aggressiveness will take emphasis off of her being dominant and bullies like her can't stand to not be in the limelight. 

 

Bullies bask in the brightness of the spotlight, but really handle being bypassed in a way they can't push back on and that is the legal system. Once she starts loosing control she will get nasty and desperate and will start showing how little control she actually has n herself.

what you need to do is have all your kids save all the texts they have gotten from her and you do the same as well as any documentation on her nastiness and aggression so that you can present a pattern of abuse to a judge. If you can prove that she is not fit to be executor of your dads will that duty will be taken from her by the courts and it will be a hard blow to your sisters ego.

 

You have a family and a life that needs to be protected from a control freak that thinks she is untouchable.  the best way to take care of her is to remove her fangs and leave her there to stew in her own misery.

[cherubim]

I think you have a grasp on it, and must have dealt with such an individual. My husband wants to wait to pay a lawyer because we've been hit so hard financially from my medical bills.  That's why I find it hard to understand why she would threaten that knowing our financial situation and all the medical issues we have borne. She doesn't seem to care and attempts to accuse me for her mistakes. I sent her a link about abusers who state exactly what she did:  We ALL make mistakes - when I did nothing to her.  I don't know about legal issues, and whether we should hire an attorney now. The lawyer that answered told me I can have her removed as executrix if I can prove what she did. I saved the text on my phone where she threatened, but my husband was so angry that she caused us so much trouble that he erased the communication on his phone, even deleting their contact info.  He contacted her husband, our brother-in-law, and he said she wouldn't contact our children anymore - and she did. So their word is not good. 

My husband & I are stretched like rubber bands ready to snap, and she is violating boundaries we asked her not to cross. The only thing I can see is that she wants to make my family her own.  I told her that I am not responsible for her choices to not have a family, and she insists she does have a family, that she didn't give birth to them, but they were a beautiful gift.  If she has a family in her stepchildren, as she claims, then why is she trying to take over mine?  When I didn't bow to her 'authority' as executrix, she got angry and threatened to withhold money my father left me.  They are not the actions of a healthy person. After all of that - she continues to contact my children without shame.  I am ill-equipped to handle more, as is my husband. All I asked was for her to leave my family alone - that feelings are raw. She went on to list everyone in the family who she associates with, attempting to act like the problem is *me*.  I told her she was using a defense mechanism:  "see, I have all these people who like me, so it shows the problem is you."  I told her because she had a brief superficial relationship with people does not change the FACT that she violated my boundaries.  She then cut me off, and I think she blocked my email.

I don't know what will happen from here. I love her - and am going to pray for her salvation - what a pastor told me to do. She abused my trust, giving her their contact info - and I think she should let things rest.

I'm trying to see God's reasons for it all - maybe it is to pray for her salvation.  At the same time, I have an uneasiness as she does not respect my husband & my wishes.  My husband said she's trying to be "the fun aunt" - I just don't want to go through another ordeal that we went through a few months ago. For her to know how much trouble she caused and still keep pushing is pushy and being a jerk.

Edited November 3, 2016 by cherubim
misspelling

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Marilyn C said:

Hi cherubim,

Now you have been given prayers & Godly counsel, so I believe you need to be thankful & put aside this continual going over your problem like worry beads.

So....it`s the worry beads - or letting God do His work.

Can`t have both. Marilyn.

+1

Constant worry, fretting over the issue is not productive to your health and overall well being. All the worry, over-thinking, analyzing, trying to figure out how to work this out in the natural man is going to do nothing but wear you down even further.

Leave this all at the feet of Jesus - it's His battle.

[TheMatrixHasU71]

On ‎01‎/‎11‎/‎2016 at 5:26 PM, cherubim said:

I underwent a medical procedure and was damaged and am now disabled. I have been at home and forgotten. So I am looking for advice. My sister never had a family and I had given her my adult children's cell phone #'s.  She abused it and invited them someplace where an unsafe individual was that I did not want them around. We had a blowout over it where she lied and blamed me for HER mistakes.  She caused unbearable trouble in my family, so I told her to leave my family alone.  Unbelievably, she completely ignored my request and is contacting my children.  It is causing unbearable harm in my family and she refuses to butt out - my husband called her a bully.  She is an unbeliever. I prayed but think satan is using her. I'm getting attacked in my mind because I worry she will lure them - I think she wants to make my family hers. I told her she needs psychological help but she blocked my emails yet contacts my children. My husband says to ignore her but I think she's a threat - and I don't like her pushing her way into our family causing trouble. She and her husband are worldly.  I so regret giving her their contact info that she has abused. What would others do?

I would for starters try to talk to your kids about changing their numbers and blocking her from their emails (or even changing their email addys totally). Tell them how you feel about what is going on.