Moving to a different city with fiancé

[Kelseyrae]

Hi,

My fiancé and I have been together for 2.5 years, lived together for 2 years. Some may believe this is wrong, and trust me, I have heard all the speeches about it. We have been engaged since March, no date set yet for wedding. My fiancé is more than likely getting a job where it will be easier to move 1/2 hour away from where we live now in my condo I own. He thinks I need to quit my job (as well as a part-time job) to follow him and live with him in an apartment that he will pay for completely. I would be moving further away from my good paying job, my part-time job's clients, my family, and moving to a place I know nothing about. I would feel more comfortable doing that if we were married, but he doesn't seem to think now is the right time for it. He wants to get his life in order first - better paying job, saving more money, going to flight school to become a pilot (the school is also very close to his potential workplace).

Just wondering if anyone has any personal experience about this or any advice from a Christian/Baptist perspective. I know a wife is supposed to submit to her husband, but we aren't technically married yet. It would be difficult if we lived in separate places, but may this situation is God telling us we should separate for a while??

Thanks.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Kelseyrae
changed subject, spelling error

[Willa]

There will be no fornicators in heaven.   It is sin, and you need to be accountable to God for it.  So whether you separate physically because you are forced to by circumstance or not, you really need to turn away from sin and get right with God.  

You said you have heard it all.  But you don't have to answer to me or to your parents or even your finance etc.   You have to do business with God and obey Him.  I think it will all become clearer to you as to how to proceed after you have done that.  

Sincerely wishing you all the best, and hoping it all works out between the two of you,

Willa

[missmuffet]

2 hours ago, Kelseyrae said:

Hi,

My fiancé and I have been together for 2.5 years, lived together for 2 years. Some may believe this is wrong, and trust me, I have heard all the speeches about it. We have been engaged since March, no date set yet for wedding. My fiancé is more than likely getting a job where it will be easier to move 1/2 hour away from where we live now in my condo I own. He thinks I need to quit my job (as well as a part-time job) to follow him and live with him in an apartment that he will pay for completely. I would be moving further away from my good paying job, my part-time job's clients, my family, and moving to a place I know nothing about. I would feel more comfortable doing that if we were married, but he doesn't seem to think now is the right time for it. He wants to get his life in order first - better paying job, saving more money, going to flight school to become a pilot (the school is also very close to his potential workplace).

Just wondering if anyone has any personal experience about this or any advice from a Christian/Baptist perspective. I know a wife is supposed to submit to her husband, but we aren't technically married yet. It would be difficult if we lived in separate places, but may this situation is God telling us we should separate for a while??

Thanks.

Yes, you are right a born again genuine Christian would not put themselves in a position of living with another person outside of marriage if they take God's Word seriously. Since you are not married I have no other advise other than to ask Jesus Christ into your life to be your Lord and Savior.

[GandalfTheWise]

7 hours ago, Kelseyrae said:

Hi,

My fiancé and I have been together for 2.5 years, lived together for 2 years. Some may believe this is wrong, and trust me, I have heard all the speeches about it. We have been engaged since March, no date set yet for wedding. My fiancé is more than likely getting a job where it will be easier to move 1/2 hour away from where we live now in my condo I own. He thinks I need to quit my job (as well as a part-time job) to follow him and live with him in an apartment that he will pay for completely. I would be moving further away from my good paying job, my part-time job's clients, my family, and moving to a place I know nothing about. I would feel more comfortable doing that if we were married, but he doesn't seem to think now is the right time for it. He wants to get his life in order first - better paying job, saving more money, going to flight school to become a pilot (the school is also very close to his potential workplace).

Just wondering if anyone has any personal experience about this or any advice from a Christian/Baptist perspective. I know a wife is supposed to submit to her husband, but we aren't technically married yet. It would be difficult if we lived in separate places, but may this situation is God telling us we should separate for a while??

Thanks.

I think a very important issue is whether or not you are both doing well spiritually and wanting to follow God's leading for your relationship.  Going to church together and doing other spiritual activities (such as prayer, bible reading, and having regular conversations about spiritual matters) is important for a relationship.  When to get married, future career and educational goals, and where to live are all things that Christian couples should prayerfully consider together for what God wants and where He is directing.

The advice my wife and I (married over 30 years now) gave our 3 daughters about marriage and relationships was 1. seek God's guidance on finding a good godly man who is solid marriage material, and 2. seek God's guidance on when to get married.    Our observation is that indefinite engagements just cause stress and problems in a relationship.   We've now got two great sons-in-law (and the youngest daughter is still looking) and the two married daughters married into great Christian families.

Are you sure that your fiancé is the person God wants you to marry?  No red flags like serious addictions or emotional problems, not controlling or manipulative, both families and sets of friends are on board, you are both compatible spiritually, you both have similar priorities in life, etc?   If you have reservations or doubts (or your family and friends do), now is the time to step back and reconsider.  Marriage doesn't fix problems in people; it brings them to the surface and entangles the other person with them.  Both partners change over time and all marriages face unexpected hard times and normal and huge transitions as we have kids and get older.  The less stress and problems we bring into a marriage, the easier it is to navigate the inevitable problems that arise.  We change and our feelings change over time, it is largely the compatibility of life purpose, solid character,  and commitment we bring into a marriage that help make it work over the decades.

If you're sure he's the one God wants you to marry, why not set a date and get married?  Being partners for life is about going through life together.  Taking years to achieve educational or financial goals before getting married doesn't make much sense.  Making working together on these goals as some of your first marriage projects as partners can be a good start to a marriage.  If you decide to get married, I think it's important to get a good sense of when God is directing you to get married.

Interjecting a personal opinion and meddling, I think some separation might be a good idea before the wedding to make it more special.  For me, a big part of getting married was the celebrating with friends and family of launching off into a new phase of our lives together where we stopped living separately as single people and started living together as a married couple that night.  It was a special day for both of us.

[BK1110]

Not trying to pile on, but as others have said, you've heard all the speeches. Yet, you persist in living with a man who is not your husband. I guess I should ask, what do you think the Bible teaches about that? Do you believe there's nothing wrong or sinful about it? Do you believe it's okay to continue sinning?

As missmuffet has said, my advice at this point would be to repent. Simply saying a prayer, being baptized, going to church etc. is not what saves us. Our sense of guilt and brokenness leading us to accept Jesus as our savior and Lord is what saves us. If He is our Lord then we will naturally desire to follow His will and teachings. Do you believe you are following His will, or are you following your own?

[Aimes]

Not going to pile on the condemnation here, it's the Holy Spirit's job to convict of sin and not mine; however, I would be very cautious before you agree to move away from your family, job, home, and life for someone who seems to be unable to commit to you permanently. If he's asking you to give up all of that and come with him then he should not have any issue committing to you in marriage. 

Perhaps you're correct in assuming the Lord is using this to give you a time of separation so that both of you can evaluate things. 

[daughterofGrace]

Others have addressed the issue of morality and God's will so I won't.  But let me add this:

It doesn't sound like he's too concerned about what's best for you re: home, family, job, etc.  I think he's asking a lot.  He's expecting you to go along with what he wants.  Is he paying any attention at all to your well-being in this?

As for this business about not being ready to marry until all the ducks are in a row, that's just stalling as far as I'm concerned.  It makes me think of survey results I read some time ago about couples who move in together.  Men and women approach it differently.  Women think, "Oh, good.  Now he'll marry me." Men think, "Oh, good.  Now I don't have to marry her."

You're right.  Why turn your world upside down for a man who hasn't even married you?  Who says he ever will?  You've been together for a couple of years.  If he hasn't married you yet, what makes you think he will ever do so?

I'll be honest.  When a man refuses to marry a woman and offers excuses like his, he's saying that he wants to be free to walk away any time he wants without all the entanglements that marriage brings.  And where does that leave you?  In another town, apart from your family, without a job?

And submission isn't about doing whatever your husband tells you to do.  The Bible says that a man should love his wife as Christ loves the church.  But since he isn't a Christian, he's not going to be putting your well-being first.  Do you really want that in a man?

Edited October 20, 2017 by daughterofGrace
correction of typos

[Debp]

I agree especially with the above advice, you seem to be having to give up alot....whereas he doesn't even want to commit to marriage with you.  I would be very wary of that.  Commit yourself to the Lord and then see if the Lord leads you to a loving, Christian man.  

[desi2007]

You will be heartbroken if you Don't listen to the advice. Why rush into a live together relationship? I have experience from a marriage that was rushed and we moved away only to live in agony with unmet expectations on both. Before long it wasn't a marriage after 18 yrs. It was literally making me sick. The lies, the false sense of love that wasn't growing, the deeper in debt as a couple, a child, life began to take a toll on both of us early in the relationship and we were Married. Looking back, We just didn't give it time, We rushed and it fell apart. Enjoy your life now. And i know we want love and feel as if we can't live without this person but honestly the number one killer in a relationship is unmet expectations. Life is what you make of it. God will see you thru all of this in His time. Rushing into things just leads to heartbreak. I pray you heed to all the advice that was given to you. God Bless.

desi